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When family/friends say stuff about gay people around you, not knowing you're gay

marcmanus

marcmanus

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Your family seems to bring up gay men somewhat often around you, could it be that they think you might be gay and are trying to give you the opportunity to come out?

Just a thought. . .
 
I've been there. I usually try to change the subject or just retreat to the background of the conversation.
 
Wow. . .I remember being in your situation. It's a scary place, feeling like you could lose the closest people in your life if you told them who you really are.

I can tell you that it wasn't fun, but people will surprise you. The one's I was most fearful of losing were the ones that didn't bat an eyelash.
 
Coming out feels really good. . .the weight that comes off your daily existance is immeasurable.

I know it's hard to relate 'cause I never would have thought it was possible to live happily as a gay man, but since coming out 12 yrs ago. I have had amazing fun AND met he man of my dreams. We now have a 4 1/2 yr old daughter.

You CAN be happy. Those that truly love you will be happy for you.
 
You can't have it both ways. You can't be in the closet and then try to feel like a proud gay man who takes offense when people make antigay remarks. So either come out, or when your family says something you don't like, just suck it up.
 
Yeah, sometimes it hurts. It hurts more when a family member who does know says that stuff. My cousins were talking about how surprised they were that my uncle was so conservative (since he's really laid back) and one of them said that she asked him abotu gay marriage and he was ver very opposed to it. The thing is, he was the first of anyone to know about it. My aunt probably a second later, and my parents after they called. He didn't say it to me, but it was awkward to hear it. My other cousin knows about me and is supportive. I don't know where the other stands, but I doubt it's a bad place.

But when I hear it, I kind of withdraw from where I am and just stare off some place until I shake it off.
 
Jareth_C64 said:
Nah, I don't think that's it. They're pretty clueless.
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Don't be so sure. I can only speak for myself of course, but erverybody knew/suspected that I was gay. There was no amount of acting straight that would have helped me deflect the suspicion.
 
One day at dinner my dad was talking about an acquaintance who was gay. Nothing really offensive – but then he said "he's a nice guy for a queer". I thought now or never, so I said "I think you should know, I'm 'a queer' too!".

That put an end to that conversation, and we've never had any problem in that area since.
 
Jareth_C64 said:
Nah, I don't think that's it. They're pretty clueless. I think it just happened to come up a lot today and it always feel strange. :confused: The same sister who said "Urgh, gay cinema!" seemed pretty disgusted when 2 men kissed on a TV program once as well.
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Them comments about gays are pretty mild, seem to me more of jokes and not to be taken seriously - but then comes the questions/comments about how they should treat gay people with respect, blah, blah - i am gay and often am involved with jokes about gay people, i don't find them offensive because there funny.

Next time joke along with them, and if the oppurtunity to 'come out' pops up take it. ;)
 
Jareth_C64 said:
Weird and awkard isn't it? Sometimes kind of upsetting too, depending on what they're saying.

My sisters boyfriend today was going on about how there's a really camp 50 year old gay man at his work and how the camp thing doesn't really work when you're that old. Saying he tries to avoid him, etc... Then did a 'hilarious' impression of a camp gay man. I kind of just go completely quiet when these kind of things come up.

Also today, one of my sisters (aged 27) said "Urgh, gay cinema!" and pointed to that section in HMV. :( In the past she's also giggled and said "Look, gay men!" when there's been an obviously gay couple in the street, like it's such a big deal. :rolleyes: She's so narrow-minded. Luckily my oldest sister (aged 33) isn't as conservativ and is much cooler I think.

I hate it. It makes it harder to think of coming out. Then again, it could educate them I suppose and force them to open their minds for once.
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And when you do come out, it doesn't change their perceptions -- but they do change, to some degree, the tone in which they express themselves. In other words, they control themselves a little bit more.

Really worth keeping in mind: It's a show of ignorance!
 
Sounds like someone needs to find some guts and stand up for himself.

People will walk all over you if you let them. They do it for sport.
 
Yeah, well, you might be able to lightly call attention to their ignorance. That would be my suggestion. Then they don't make the comments around you any more.
 
It all depends on what they say. If they say something stupid or derogatory... I'm gonna say something.
 
ehr8605 said:
my mother and brother always feel the compulsion to make all kinds of remarks about him for no apparent reason. It's never anything truly nasty, but it always strips him of his dignity with archaic stereotypes.
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It's a very apparent reason, I'm afriad. It's to strip YOU of your dignity.

Of course I want to defend the man, but then it makes me seem like a blatent homo!
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ok, and that's a bad thing because....

The ironic thing about it all is that my mom knows that I'm gay, but my brother doesn't (though I suspect he does). It's like playing a part in a play. I hate having to swallow my pride because I can't reveal my true self. The same sort of things happen with other family members I'm around (i.g. when a gay person is on a movie/TV show) It's frustrating...
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OK.. so your mother's a passive-agressive bitch and your brother may be too, or maybe just obnoxious all on his own. YOU are the guy who needs to fix that.

Here's my advice to you... strap on a pair and stop letting people walk all over your for their own enjoyment. DON'T swallow your pride and DON'T sit there are take it. Tell them how they make you feel, tell them that you're sick and tired of having them strip you of your dignity by proxy and that if they have something to say, they should stop being cowards and say it directly to you.

You are a human being and deserve respect, and although I get called a "bully" for telling people to stand up for themselves (Ironic to say the least, but you have to consider the sources... ), there comes a time when you have to be a man and stand up for yourself.

I hurts me so much that people are suffering in silnce and alllowing people to intentionally badmouth them because part of them feels that they deserve it.

You don't.

Don't take it.

Don't MAKE me come over there.
 
When I was closeted, I stayed quiet. Since all of my friends know, this isn't really much of an issue anymore. But, a few weeks ago, I was in DC and some co-instructors were talking about gay staffers. I didn't like where the conversation was going, so I just said..."Yeah, there's a gay staffer, a gay intern and did you know that there's also a gay instructor." They asked who. I said: "I'm the gay instructor." They were surprised because I didn't fit the gay stereotype.
 
Chris Rock gave a concert performance years back and said something along the following lines: "It don't make sense to hate [any one particular group of people]. Because who you hate, you'll find someday to be [a part of] your family."
 
Not huge things.

Some of my friends have talked about some people that we know that came out recently. They weren't making fun of them, just expressing surprise....so that was a weird conversation, but seeing as I was equally surprised, I really didn't have a problem joining the conversation, with the added irony that they'd be REALLY surprised if I chose to make the conversation drift in another direction, lol.

I do have one close friend thats really homophobic, we've been friends for a long time, but he can say some things sometimes that make me feel really awkward. I just try to twist the topic around without acting offended, by this time he just thinks I'm pretty liberal and open minded.
 
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