Who do I come out to?..

[TroyBoiFromVA]

Hello everyone, please excuse my sloppy typing!


My name is Troy, I am 18 and graduated High School a couple weeks ago. I'm gay(Shocker!) and extremely lonely. I literally have noone I can call a best friend. The whole "gay" thing really wrecked my social life, I went from being Class President in 9th grade to have absolutely no close friends graduating. It literally is to the point where everyone knows who I am, and they think I just hang out with other people. I can't really explain my situation other than I am just beyond confused.

More than anything, I want someone to love & call my own..but before that I have to actually meet people. I have no idea who to talk to, where to go, what to say....... I'm just at a point where its depressing thinking about my life! I go to work,come home, and repeat the process!

Sorry for ranting, I am not even sure what i'm asking of you guys!

 

[timnmostud]

Believe it or not, most people do NOT look back on HS as the best years of their lives! So you have left that behind. Time to move on! You are so young and really do have a lot of first time experiences that you are probably going to love. Look for some support groups if you can find them. Go to pride events. Talk to guys on here! You def are not alone!

You didn't say if you were going on to college. If you are, things will change a lot for you then, too. Just be open to the possiblities and see where they take you! Good luck!

 

[TroyBoiFromVA]

Yeah, to a community college here in August.

I know HS is the past now, but I am still -stuck- here not knowing what to do next.


edit: Thanks for replying, I don't want to seem ungreatful.. sorry again for being such a stick in the mud towards it all

 

[tonysw]

All very sound advice. I especially appreciated Ryder11.

The word I and many other people hate is "process". But it is true life is a process. Achieving goals is a process. I have been always waiting "to grow up" and know everything as a small child expects will happen - but change comes slowly so it seems but each day we are different.

So sit back, relax, be yourself and enjoy the ride. Find people to talk to on the 'net if necessary, but start relating to other people. We are all different and each of us has things of value to contribute.

Yes we do need friends, we do need to be held, we do need someone to cuddle up to on the lounge and in bed. Don't let the need for acceptance get too big.

Best wishes and warmest regards to you and to those who gave the great advice.

 

[luminum]

I actually had a blast in HS, out and all during my final years. But I didn't even have a relationship until a few years into college, let alone did I meet very many gay guys.

My advise is to just relax, go to college, check out your local LGBT resource center (most colleges have one, mine has its own office,e tc.) A lot of LGBT group activities will probably be hosted there or there may be an event for incoming LGBT freshman (on our campus, we have "Gayz Craze" where LGBTs can meet up before school starts, play some volleyball, sign up for groups etc.).

Just by attending and gradually meeting people, you'll be able to make some new friends in the LGBT community. And don't just limit yourself there. As a freshman, you're going to meet a lot of people and as a college student, you're going to lose touch with 90% of them. It's up to you to reach out and maintain friendships with others that start during the college years.

So put your best foot forward, relax, and have fun and I'm sure you'll have some fun friends, some good friends, some great friends, and maybe even a boyfriend

 

[iosif2]

Hey guy, Welcome to JUB by the way. Listen, I remember my horror years in shcool. I never had a close friend to share myself with. The closet kept me from associating with many people and I missed out on many opportunities because of it. By the time I was 19 I was very depressed and in the closet. God, your words bring back the very feeling of those days. That was almost 30 years ago buddy, and while I made a lot of wrong choices, like not coming out, I still was able to come to grips with myself during those years. Life is hard when your'e lonely, but it is also what you make it, so being lonely is no excuse. You must have faith that you are stronger for your suffering. You are dealing with difficulties that many people never have to face. This will come to your advantage in the coming years, as life's challenges will have given you resiliance. For now my friend pull together your threads of strength and make a rope out of them. It can't be more than a few years away that you will be able to get out on our own. Noone has to tell you how you will be free to get more involved in the gay lifestyle and really explore who you are. Stick with JUB. For all the bickering and nonsense that can go on, it really is a great site. There are many many boys who will have your back. Start PMing them too so they can get to know you. I already have made a good friend on this site with whom I correspond daily. Chin up my friend. There's lots of promise for your life and lots of love and frienship here on JUB! Peace

 

[Smitho]

Hi, and good luck with college, and try to think of it all as a new start. I would be tempted if you wanted to come out from the begining at college, but try and treat it as no big deal, when someone asks, and they will, do you have a girl friend, just say, "No I'm gay", simple as that! Live your life openly and be yourself, you will be surpised at the lack of reaction and gossip in people if you are open and honest from the begining, why should they talk about you, a you are telling the truth from the start.

This will also lead you toward a gay group, which you can decide weather to join or not.

You will meet loads of people at the begining and I would advise be friendly and open with everyone to start and then after afew weeks you will get a better idea what people are like and you can start to discriminate a little bit.

 

[rareboy]

Hey Troy,

You're only 18. This is when your life begins.

Do not shut yourself away when you get to college. There will be lots of gay guys on campus and lots of stright people to meet who are just as interesting.

You'll be just fine.

 

[thermodynamics]

College is grand. High school isn't. You'll be fine.

A lot of people "peak" in high school, and the rest of life is just downhill. That's a lot of downhill time. College students usually "peak" after college, and that's less time at a more fun slope, and the peak is much much higher. The best years of your life are in front of you, just the way you want it.

 

[muscleboy82000]

Hello everyone, please excuse my sloppy typing!


My name is Troy, I am 18 and graduated High School a couple weeks ago. I'm gay(Shocker!) and extremely lonely. I literally have noone I can call a best friend. The whole "gay" thing really wrecked my social life, I went from being Class President in 9th grade to have absolutely no close friends graduating. It literally is to the point where everyone knows who I am, and they think I just hang out with other people. I can't really explain my situation other than I am just beyond confused.

More than anything, I want someone to love & call my own..but before that I have to actually meet people. I have no idea who to talk to, where to go, what to say....... I'm just at a point where its depressing thinking about my life! I go to work,come home, and repeat the process!

Sorry for ranting, I am not even sure what i'm asking of you guys!

Hi Troy

First, welcome and glad you find us. This is a great place with lots of guys that are willing to offer advise and help.

Second, as someone who came out to himself late in lift, Congrat on coming to terms with your sexuality so early.

Third, I understand completely how you feel. I had the same experience in HS and I have to tell you that college and life beyond is a hell of a lot better then HS. Since you are comfortable with yourself, my suggestion is to get out of the house and start doing things and meeting people. I do not know if their is a gay newspaper in your area, like the Blade in DC, but find a club, activity or sport that you want to do and do it. My BF was in a similar spot a couple years ago and got involved in a co-ed (gay/straight) Rugby Team. Helped him meet a lot of people and grow.

I do like Smitho's suggestion of being out when you start college. I found that people's attitudes are totally different and more open in college and they will be more accepting.

Lets us know how things go and good luck.

 

[TroyBoiFromVA]

thanks again for the kind words everyone

 

[TroyBoiFromVA]

Time to vent again!

I try my best not to sound like I am some depressed guy on the verge of suicide or something, but after reading what I post, I still see it there.

Yes, i'm depressed, i'm alone, i have no social life what-so-ever. I want to change this, I know I need to change this for my own good, its just how to change it im confused about.

I live at home, with my mother,sister,and little brother. I can't really talk to any of them about it - my mom & sister would both totally be crushed, and my little brother is way too young.

I'm not from some rich family where I can just pack my bags and move out on my own. Even if i was, I would still be at the point where I don't know how to approach people. I've gotten PMs from a lot of you guys on here, and its hard for me to even respond without worrying what you'll think of me.

Someone asked me for a picture and all I could think about was what he'll think of me, its retarded, I know. Again, I am not even sure what i'm asking of anyone here, I am just at the point where I feel like I have to do something before I truely am too far gone.

 

[muscleboy82000]

Troy

First, take a deep breath because nothing is worth killing your self over. I understand the pain and loneliness that you are feeling. Been their, done than.

I hope that all of the pm's that you have received have bene supportive and encouragement because you have taken the largest and most difficult step, admitting to yourself that you are gay.

Your family may be initially crushed but I am sure that they truly love you and will want you to be happy. They will come around, it will just take time.

I still think the best thing for you is to get yourself out of the house and starting to meet people in a nonsexual way. Go find the local gay newspaper, google it, and see what is going on. Here are a couple of links and some information that may be helpful.




http://www.hamptonroadspride.org/cs/

http://www.lambdadirectory.com/support.html

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][SIZE=-7]PENINSULA REGION YOUTH DOING EXCELLENTLY (PRYDE)[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][SIZE=-7] - A support group for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender youth ages 14-21. Group meets weekly in Williamsburg. Contact: Trish at Avalon, 757-258-5022[/SIZE][/FONT]

 

[backpacker]

I think everyone goes through periods in their lives when they realize they have to make some changes. You are at one of those points. I know this will be hard for you to do, but join some gay youth groups in your area. You will find it much easier to be yourself if you're not worried about the people finding you're gay. Also, don't take yourself so seriously. People really aren't that focused on what you do. If you happen to do something embarrassing, people will forget it in a second.

PS - stay away from the guy who asked for your picture. Nothing good can come from someone who would make such a request given your circumstances.

 

[luminum]

It starts in little things. You need a change, so do soemthing small. Get a part-time job. Or better yet, volunteer somewhere. Volunteering means you'll meet people from all walks of life who aren't just there to get the money they need, they're there because they want to help out and meet other people.

So maybe just look for some local organizations that interest you a little. You can help out and get to know others. Plus, you'll always meet up each time you have something to volunteer for, meaning you'll steadily be spending time with people while serving the community.

 

[Just_Believe18]

When you start college (and you should) it's like a fresh restart. Nobody knows who you are and nobody cares if you're gay. It's real easy to make friends before class starts.

 

[jockboy01]

Yes, i'm depressed, i'm alone, i have no social life what-so-ever. I want to change this, I know I need to change this for my own good, its just how to change it im confused about.

I agree with a deep breath first of all. As pointed out, 18 is really where YOUR life begins. Up until then, it is based more on parents' perspectives of you. I know that my life pre-18 and post was VERY different.

As to what to do.... I think relaxing and being yourself is where to start. People will like you for you that way. Obviously you're likeable or you wouldn't have been class president. And I know what you mean about people thinking you were out with others all of the time when you were really sitting at home. I don't know how to tell you to change that except to call people and see what they are up to.

As for the depression... and it does sound like you might be depressed clinically, I'd say you should look into counseling/anti-depressants. You're doctor can help with that. Being a young gay guy, depression is not that uncommon.

With time, you'll figure things out. And don't worry about what we think of you. Most of the guys here are rather non-judgemental (and if they are mean by chance, just let one of us mods know and we'll take care of them )

Anyway, take it slow, you've got a LOT of time in front of you.

 

[DonDon]

Hi Troy,

I can totally relate to where you're coming from. While I didn't realize I was gay at your age, I knew something was different about me and I couldn't relate to any of my old friends. I graduated high school very lonely. Once I got to college I made some new friends and had a blast. The best thing about it was that nobody knew me from high school and so nobody had any expectations about me. And even when I ran into people I knew in high school, nobody cared.

But when summer came and I got home to my parents' house I felt all alone again because my friends were from all over the country and none of them lived near me. I felt like a prisoner. Not of my surroundings but of time. I knew once school started up again things would be better and I would just have to tough it out. So I kept myself busy and made some hobbies. Eventually I met some friends at school who were local and so summers weren't so bad. Then when college was over I was able to get a job and move to a big city where I was able to come out and make lots of new friends.

The point I'm trying to make is that you should always remind yourself that if things seem bad, they are only bad for now. Do what you can to change them but if they can't change, focus on something you enjoy now, even if it's something small like writing in a journal, or drawing or chatting on the internet. You have a lot of friends here on this board and people you can talk to, ask questions from and learn about. Especially here where you can learn about other people's experiences coming out. All these things will help you someday.

Also, there are many things you don't have, and it's easy to focus on those, but stop and try to look at the things you do have. Even the small things are important. And don't worry about people liking you. This may sound silly but if you think someone won't like you, them probably won't. That's why you have to tell yourself that people WILL like you. Reading your postings I can tell you that I like you already because you remind me of myself when I was young. I'm looking forward to hearing more about you. Hopefully you'll keep us updated on how things are going with you.

Remember, if things are crappy today, they won't always be. Work towards something better, or just coast along until something better comes along. Either way, things will get better. Trust me. I was you twenty years ago and I've had a lot of crazy fun adventures since then. But I do thank myself all the time that I didn't end it back then because I would have never done all the things I've done since I was 18. Trust me on this one. If you could go ahead in time 20 years you would be amazed at the things you've done. And you would wish you still had the body of an 18 year old so you could do them all again. LOL!!!

And don't be afraid to ask for advice. That's what we're here for.

Sincerely,
Don

 

[megustamyn]

There are many resources available in Virginia. Metropolitan Community Churches provide ministry to LGBT community and there are several in Virginia. The closest to you is probably Richmond (http://www.mccrichmond.org) but they can refer you to a closer one if there is one. MCC Pastors have a lot of experience working with coming out issues and they will try to help anyone who comes to them. You don’t need to join their church for them to care about you.

PFLAG, parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (http://www.pflag.org) have chapters all over the country including several in Virginia. They have support groups, resources and connections to other organizations. There primary focus is on families and friends of gay but they provide much support and resources to gay people, especially those coming out.

Most colleges have a gay student union so might check the school where you’ll be going. The University of Virginia has gay resource center (http://www.virginia.edu/deanofstudents/lgbt/about.htm). They probably have contact with groups at other schools.

I urge to contact one of theses groups and to do a Google search for gay resources in the area. Once you make the first contact, it will lead you to others and, before you know, you’ll discover a whole new world.

The attributes that got you elected class president are still part of you – charm, intelligence, kindness, organizational skills – whatever it was that got people to like you in the first place, it’s all there. If some people can no longer see through their homophobia, it’s their loss. You’ll find others who are not blinded by their prejudices.

 

[mabby7]

.
Remember, if things are crappy today, they won't always be. Work towards something better, or just coast along until something better comes along. Either way, things will get better. Trust me. I was you twenty years ago and I've had a lot of crazy fun adventures since then. But I do thank myself all the time that I didn't end it back then because I would have never done all the things I've done since I was 18. Trust me on this one. If you could go ahead in time 20 years you would be amazed at the things you've done. And you would wish you still had the body of an 18 year old so you could do them all again. LOL!!!

And don't be afraid to ask for advice. That's what we're here for.

Sincerely,
Don

Really nice post.

I guess we'll always have good and bad days. But if bad days seem to constantly happen, then something has to be done about it.