Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.)

[DoctorGiggles25]

I've been on this planet for 22 years now and openly gay 7 of these 22 long years. Also, out of these 22 years, I have been over weight for 13 of them. I've always encountered people who still ask silly questions like: ''How can you be gay and a fat boy?'' ''Why haven't you found a boyfriend yet?'' ''Why don't you wanna lose weight? It'll help you find a man.'' ''Who would want to be with your fat ass?'' It seems worse because I live in the south... I'm gay, fat, and a black male to boot.

I often feel lonely in the thought that I may never find that companion that I do long for. Someone who loves my sense of humor, my whittiness, my candor, my character, and my other qualities. My friends always ask me why don't I get out more and try to find him. I would love to go out and socialize and meet some totally cute guy, but I always seem to encounter the assholes who see my physical attributes and turn the other direction. Now I am not totally blind. I have always known that I'm not the best thing to look at and I've known that gay men are the vainest race of people on the face of the earth. I understand all of that I do.

What gets me is that I've seen hetero couples where one of the couple is unattractive and the other is hawt, yet I've never seen this in gay couples. I have friends that are my size and date men of the same stature and I have no problems with hooking up with someone of my stature as well, but that's not what I want. I want to be the one in that couple that's a large person with a regular person that loves all of me and won't ask me to lose weight to make him feel better. I know being obese comes with multiple health problems. I got a check up recently and my good doctor told me all of my stats are in safe areas and the only thing I have to work on is my weight.

I guess what I'm getting at is why has gay society doomed me to be alone and thought badly of just because I don't look like a Abercrombie & Fitch model? Currently, I have no intentions to lose weight and I like who and what I am. I feel that if change now just to snag a man I will lose myself and what makes Andre well Andre... Do I have hope or should I just give up now?

Signed,

Sad fat boi in Alabama...

 

[M4P]

Re: Why can't my I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengt

Of course you have hope because there is someone for everyone - and someone out there is looking at you wondering how to catch your eye

I mean that

However, since you kept bringing up the weight issue something tells me you really do want to lose some. Buddy, it can be done if you want to

I wish you the best of luck

 

[Smitho]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

Hi, I do think there is someone for everyone, but at the same time, you want to meet some one, from what you say, who is slim and works out, but most people put in the considerable effort of being slim and working out, so they can meet other people who are slim etc. As you say you have no problem meeting other fat blokes. I am sorry to say but the group of people who are slim and work out, and then want to meet up with fat blokes, while not nonexistant is small.

You say you don't want to put in the effort to lose weight, but you want a BF who does, which brings to mind the appropriate analogy of you wanting your cake and eating it?

Why are you so against losing weight?

 

[DoctorGiggles25]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

Thanks for the kind words Brian. Btw, the only reason why I placed such emphasis on the ''weight issue'' is because that's what everyone keeps throwing in my face.

Brian, I appreciate your remarks, but I want the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but... :~)

Update:

Smitho made a reply while I was in the middle of replying to Brian. I'm sorry for the slow responses, but all I have is my cell phone right now.

Smitho is see where your coming from and I know it seems like I want a slim person who works out and all that good stuff. For the record, I'm not against working out, I just don't feel the immediate need to do so. I just want a normail guy, not a gym bunny by any means.

 

[luminum]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

It's all up to personal preferances. There are guys out there who don't care, and there are guys out there who do. Just like you are an obese gay guy who wants an average, fit guy, there are average, fit guys who want average, fit guys, or some who like guys with more meat on their bones.

The point is, if what you want is someone average, you're going to have to accept that there are other average guys who want average guys.

I think for you, it's a matter of going out there and finding people who don't care about weight or body type. Just be yourself, and if your personality synchs with someone else, and their physical preferences aren't specific (or maybe you're exactly what they want ), then you'll find someone who will love you.

 

[DoctorGiggles25]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

luminum thanks for the info. Am I living in the wrong part of the country? I think I need to move. I love the South and everything it encompasses, yet we still lag behind in some areas and this happens to be one of them.

I don't know what I'm gonna do. I've never been in a substantial relationship and I fear that when I do, I'm gonna frack it up royally....

I know. I'm a sad case. :~\

 

[xterranx]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

Sorry, but where exactly are you going to go that it's going to be so different? Vain people don't exactly clump up in the South like a tumor.

As you said:

I got a check up recently and my good doctor told me all of my stats are in safe areas and the only thing I have to work on is my weight.

For the record, I'm not against working out, I just don't feel the immediate need to do so.

To be truthful, as you did ask for in your earlier post, I'm not going to go and say the contrived BS like "Yeah, there'll be someone who cares about you for JUST you." Okay, there may be some who do, but that's a minuscule group of people. Let's face it-- people today, even if they don't want to admit it and ESPECIALLY the young, take into consideration a person's image when they are scouting someone. If you consider your "obesity" an issue, then you should take initiative and fix it. If you feel comfortable with your current image, then I think you should enjoy life as it is and then that someone will come along.

 

[Eagle653]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

Hi Dr. Giggles--it's good to see you on here again. I've missed you.

I agree with Brian, too, that there's someone for everyone. If you put my partner and I side-by-side, we're very different in looks--he is, by far, the more handsome of the two. I've always known that and, at first, was very self-conscious of it and also insecure about it. It was a mystery to me why someone like him--who could have anyone--latched onto me. But, if anything, it proves that looks aren't everything and people are attracted to lots of different people for lots of different reasons.

I knew I was never a head-turner, so I didn't even try that game. Instead, I just made myself "available" by being out and about, friendly to everyone, and tried not to prematurely come on to people and set myself up for rejection. In fact, I think I've mentioned here before that I've *never* made the first move on anyone. I'm way too shy for that. In every encounter I've ever had--including my present relationship--the other person made the first move.

All of which is to say, go out there and be yourself. Don't go "hunting" just go have fun and be yourself and be friendly. Your soulmate will know you when he sees you.

Good luck. You aren't alone out there with this, trust me.

 

[kayman23]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

DoctorGiggles25, I'm right down I-65 in Birmingham. I used to be obese when I was a child, trust me. I was a borderline diabetic. I lost weight for health reasons because of high blood pressure and diabetes runs in my family. Although, I am no long obese, I can still feel for those that are.

Don't worry, just be yourself and whoever you are meant to be with will come. It is good to see that you love you for you, and when the "right someone" comes they will do the same.

 

[DoctorGiggles25]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

Oh I just love being quoted xterranx. Thanks for the advice. :~) I just thought that there may be some magical place in the world that I'm over looking. LoL. Anyway, Ill get over it eventually. I just don't be 40 and still wondering if I'm husband material....

Averageguy! I've missed you as well. I wish we could meet in person. We sound like long lost brothers. I'm the same way, I'm always ready for rejection. I never set my hopes too high because I know better than to do so. I love you Averageguy. :~)

 

[DoctorGiggles25]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

DoctorGiggles25, I'm right down I-65 in Birmingham. I used to be obese when I was a child, trust me. I was a borderline diabetic. I lost weight for health reasons because of high blood pressure and diabetes runs in my family. Although, I am no long obese, I can still feel for those that are.

Don't worry, just be yourself and whoever you are meant to be with will come. It is good to see that you love you for you, and when the "right someone" comes they will do the same.

kayman23, its nice to know I have neighbors to the south. Feel free to drop me a line anytime, just look in my profile. I'm glad you were able to overcome the statistics and take your life back. I hadn't been to the doctor in a long time and I was afraid I had some kind of a disease. I'm blessed that I came out unscaved and I'm glad to know I've been doing something right. Still I know I will have to slim down eventually so as to not cut my life short, but for now I'm good. Take care sweetheart. :~)

 

[drhladnjak]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

I doubt leaving the South would change much in this regard. There are actually more obese people there (and in Texas) than elsewhere in the country, although I'm not sure which way that would push things for you. Maybe more chubby chasers move to the South, so you should stay put? Huntsville is kind of small though. A city like Atlanta or New Orleans or maybe even Charlotte would have a broader variety of guys to choose from.

In the end, I don't think the issue is that you're fat. There are plenty of skinny, attractive guys around who can't find the right guy either. In all cases, the solution is to work on your confidence (worrying about how your weight is perceived by others could totally kill your confidence to approach other guys) and broaden your social activities (especially beyond the bars/clubs).

 

[dexyboi86]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

Howdy...I am in the same boat as you, but I am heading into the dock...stay with me here.
I am a big guy. 6'6" and 350. I want a smaller guy, too. I wondered why people weren't accepting me. But then I turned it around. Why do I not want someone my size? It is all about the health.
Maybe you don't have hypertension or high cholesterol. But too much weight is not healthy just in and of itself.
I'm not superficial, and I think a lot of people are not superficial either. Maybe I am naieve, but I am being positive.
Bottom line: consider why YOU want slimmer guys. That is probably why guys like us have trouble getting them!

*hugs* !

By the way, you are not that bad looking

 

[mabby7]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

There are plenty of skinny, attractive guys around who can't find the right guy either.

So true.

In the end, I don't think the issue is that you're fat. There are plenty of skinny, attractive guys around who can't find the right guy either. In all cases, the solution is to work on your confidence (worrying about how your weight is perceived by others could totally kill your confidence to approach other guys) and broaden your social activities (especially beyond the bars/clubs).

I'll give you an example. My cousin, who is probably twice my size, doesn't really care that he's big. He's probably even proud of it. He even gets the girls. I guess because he is confident of himself. You might say that gay guys are different and that they can be choosy. But I'm pretty sure that we're not too different from girls. Girls can be choosy too.

I guess what I'm saying is that you shouldn't worry. I'm sure that you will find someone.

 

[DoctorGiggles25]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

drhladnjak your a cutie. I get what you and mabby7 are saying, its all about oneself confidence and the perception that one gives off. That's a powerful tool.

dexyboi thanks for the compliment... I think. LoL. I am health oriented and am fully versed in the effects that a person my size may encounter. :~)

 

[xterranx]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

Oh I just love being quoted xterranx. Thanks for the advice. :~) I just thought that there may be some magical place in the world that I'm over looking. LoL. Anyway, Ill get over it eventually. I just don't be 40 and still wondering if I'm husband material....

From what I can tell in this thread, you have a really nice personality, so I guess you can think of your obesity as a good thing. Why would you want to date assholes anyway? They'd only break your heart in the worst ways possible. :/

I doubt you'll be 40 and still looking for a husband. But I dunno, if it helps, I'm thin and I've never dated. Then again, I'm sorta happy being single.

 

[G-Lexington]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

Greetings Dr Giggles! Lemme throw a couple of your own words back at you, if I could.

"I would love to go out and socialize and meet some totally cute guy..."

"What gets me is that I've seen hetero couples where one of the couple is unattractive and the other is hawt, yet I've never seen this in gay couples."

"I have friends that are my size and date men of the same stature and I have no problems with hooking up with someone of my stature as well, but that's not what I want."

"I want to be the one in that couple that's a large person with a regular person..."

Now maybe I'm reading something that isn't there. But it sounds like you're not interested in guys who aren't cute, or who are large. In other words, your standards are exactly the same as those you're bemoaning in others. Am I wrong there?

Lex

 

[KennyD]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

Don't give up ! I was in the same boat that you are in now and I was sinking fast . I was 5'7" and over 350 lbs .. I believe that no one looked as ugly as I did and peers don't mind letting you know it too. Plus; I had dental problems that added to my ugliness. I was totally alone .... BUT; it was when I quit feeling sorry for myself , took self esteem building class, and began being who I was .. instead of hiding out all the time .... I found aa younger, slim, trim, sexy guy who wanted a big 'n fat guy like me ... we were together for over a year ... Although I am much older now ..'n .. I'm at 230 lbs now .. BUT over the years I've ALWAYS had much younger, sexier, slim and trim guys as B/F's (a couple "Thought" they were Str-8) and never a One Night Stand !! Relationships that lasted at least a YEAR .. Each and Every one !!
So .. do not despair ! There is a guy for you ... BUT try looking at gay friendly churches ... social centers ...etc ... Good Luck !!

 

[3nipples]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

Could it be you're looking in the wrong places?

For someone to like you for who you are, they need to have the chance to get to know who you are. Not so easy in a night club scene.

 

[orem244]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

To put it very succinctly: if you want other people to find you attractive despite your obesity, then you need to be willing to find other people despite their obesity as well. As other people have mentioned, it's really not fair for you to expect other people to be accepting of your size when you refuse to do the same.

Basically, as far as I can tell, you have three choices:
1. Lower your standards a bit and be willing to go out with people who put similar amounts of effort into their bodies.
2. Lose weight/work out so that you can live up to your own standard
3. Keep on the way you've been going and find someone that meets your standards (and doesn't care that you don't meet your own standards)