Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.)

[interesting]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

Greetings Dr Giggles! Lemme throw a couple of your own words back at you, if I could.

"I would love to go out and socialize and meet some totally cute guy..."

"What gets me is that I've seen hetero couples where one of the couple is unattractive and the other is hawt, yet I've never seen this in gay couples."

"I have friends that are my size and date men of the same stature and I have no problems with hooking up with someone of my stature as well, but that's not what I want."

"I want to be the one in that couple that's a large person with a regular person..."

Now maybe I'm reading something that isn't there. But it sounds like you're not interested in guys who aren't cute, or who are large. In other words, your standards are exactly the same as those you're bemoaning in others. Am I wrong there?

Lex

Dr. Giggles, it seems my friend Lex has hit the point there. My friend, I'm in the same situation, I'm asian and I'm overweight. I would love to lose weight and have a nice body so I can get the perfect b/f, but with the shape that I'm in now, I'm definitely happy to get a b/f with a body shape like mine. I really don't want to get a b/f with a body shape that makes him look like he can be in A & F.

It seems like you're not willing to meet halfway.

My friend, people in glass houses shouldn't be throwing stones.

 

[Luminox]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

DoctorGiggles : Look, I'm not trying to be mean but, and I'm trying to day this in the best way but...(aw crap, I don't even know how to say it !)

Anyway, here goes nuthin, and I hope I don't get any flame posts !

Since you're obese, as you said, you'll have to think that few guys (actually, few people) would like to have a partner whose health is under danger. I mean, being obese comes with health problems, just like you said...and frankly, speaking about myself at least, I wouldn't wanna be with a guy who could suddenly have a heart attack or something like that, and be in constant fear that something could suddenly happen to my boyfriend !

In this case, it's probably more about health than looks...cos not looking "hot" or like a model is one thing, and being obese is another.

Sorry if I'm being too abrupt .

 

[Luminox]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

And I agree with Lex and Interesting !

I think you kinda anwered your own question here...I mean, YOU wouldn't wanna be with someone like yourself, so how can you expect that from others ? It's a bit unfair,my man !

You gotta have the same expectations from others that you have from yourself ! If YOU want one of those cute, hot, good-looking guys...you can probably see that so do a lot of other people too !

 

[BrandonSBCA]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

I agree with what everyone has posted advice wise.

I'm fat and obese and I have a boyfriend and he's bigger than me as well in the whole fat department, it might take a lot of guys to find the right one, you have to go through a lot of shallow men in order to find the right one.

But if what everyone says is true, then you're only making it hard for yourself for finding someone with those standards.

 

[bluedragon4]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

to be brutally honest you will get the level of guys you are at-fat or thin. If the face isn't so good than you will get guys with a similar attractive level-in shape or not. I think you said you wanted a guy who works out or has a good body but guys like that take a lot of time to look that way and they want someone they can share it with. There was a time I worked beyond hard to make myself perfect. Working out non-stop,contacts(I have had lasik since),tanning,dyeing my hair darker to look more italian(to go with the olive skin) and since my face was pretty good I got all the hottest guys. I really have had some really attractive men but I always knew in the back of my mind that if they knew the real me they wouldn't be interested. It was a lot of work to maintain my look but I knew if I wanted hot guys I had to be a hot guy.And being told how beautiful you are by beautiful men is such a turn on.You might not want to lose the weight but you are gonna have to decide what is more important to you. Lose it now while you are young and can play around easier than when you get older and there aren't as many options.I have been with my bf 4 years now but I am not what I was. Age and time can be a bit rough when your looks were so important to you. I'm not sure I could get the guys I once did but I'm glad I had that time. So my sad point is give up that inner person for a while and become what gay society wants. Even JUb porn page is filled with what gay men want or wanna be. Soon you will become the person you have become and even if that fat boy is screaming to get out he'll be screaming through a thin desired body who can't keep the men away. Life ain't easy or fair.

 

[ok455]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

I know what you are going through i am also a fat black male. And i know its very very hard to find a decent gay man to talk too even to be friends with. i know how every gay guy wants a guy to look like brad pitt


My advice to you is to move closer to a city like a hour or two away and look for gay guys there and just becareful of std's and sti's and look for a decent gay man

 

[mabby7]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

i know how every gay guy wants a guy to look like brad pitt

Maybe, but not everyone likes just one type of person.

 

[biguy69]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

You should lose weight only if you have a problem with it. I was about 260lbs at one stage of my life and didn't even really notice it had happened through being depressed. I've been fat and skinny and I chose to lose weight for me, because I wanted to be able to run for a bus without having heart palpitations and survive summer without sweating like a pedophile in a playground.

People will love you for you, but don't kid yourself that your weight is a barrier to that. If it's causing you a problem, and it clearly is or you wouldn't have posted this thread, then you need to ask yourself if you want a relationship enough to solve the problem.

Perhaps it's not what other people say, its how you think they perceive you.
I think personally you need to be honest with yourself. Do you think your weight is a problem? The fact you're asking the question suggests you do.
If so then quite frankly you need to do something about it.

If now then you have to accept the fact that it may take a while to find someone who is in to you as you are. Are you willing to wait, or are you willing to change and not only benefit your love life but also your health?

 

[megustamyn]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

Gay people, like all people, come in all shapes, sizes and colors. And for every type, there are people who will find them attractive. There are actually nationwide organizations of people who prefer men with some meat on their bones. You might want to check out http://www.rocketcitybears.org/ in Northern Alabama. Or perform an Internet search. There are bear organizations throughout the country. One of the oldest gay organizations is Girth & Mirth. In fact, there is an international organization called Affiliated Big Men’s Clubs. BTW, these groups are for big men and their admirers, many of who are not big.

There was a time in my life when I thought I had to be in top physical condition to attract a man and then I got tired of men who wanted to get into the shower with me at the gym but thought it weird if I wanted to go on a regular date.

I weighed less than 160 pounds until I was in my late 40s. Now I’m in my late 50s and I’m 50 pounds overweight. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years but I know that if we ever split up I would not be alone for long. I’ve learned that what matters most is what is inside a person and that’s what others learn to love. I have a 30-year-old niece who weighs nearly twice as much as I do and her husband, an absolute hunk, adores her.

I’m glad that you say you’re comfortable with who you are. But it sounds to me that you are one of those who would not date a heavy man. You might want to examine that logic.

 

[DoctorGiggles25]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

Wow. I go away for a couple of days and look at the response I get. Some great, some good, and some so so. Please understand that all responses are truly appreciated and I have read them all with profound consideration. I understand some of you when you say opposites rarely attract. Truth be told, when see guys on JUB, I only see them for their attractiveness, never as someone that I want to date or be with. They are basically eye candy and beyond that, I have no further desire for them. The man of my dreams is a tall, husky, regular red headed sexy beast of a man who can tower over me and make me feel like the women I've seen all my life with men like him. Yet I digress... :~)

Its interesting how life can deal you a card that you never thought you could get. I met someone who likes big guys and my ''tits''. LoL. Its crazy... Everything started very recently and we've yet to meet eachother, but for the most part he seems honest and decent. Who'd a thunk it, someone interested in me. :~)

Gentleman, I sincerely thank you all for the advice and I hope that this advice reaches far beyond me and my issues and onward to others just like me with a weight management situation. Like I've said before, being both gay and obese have dominanted my life and I'm glad it has. I wonder how I would have turned out if the latter of the two were nonexistent. I'm happy with myself, I truly am. You all's insight on my words and what they really mean have helped me and I couldn't have asked anyone for better help.

Again, thank you. :~)

 

[merlot]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

Now maybe I'm reading something that isn't there. But it sounds like you're not interested in guys who aren't cute, or who are large. In other words, your standards are exactly the same as those you're bemoaning in others. Am I wrong there?

i agree with what lex said 100%.

sorry, but you're a bit of a hypocrite if you won't give someone who looks like you a chance.

 

[aleisterc2003]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

What gets me is that I've seen hetero couples where one of the couple is unattractive and the other is hawt, yet I've never seen this in gay couples. I have friends that are my size and date men of the same stature and I have no problems with hooking up with someone of my stature as well, but that's not what I want. I want to be the one in that couple that's a large person with a regular person that loves all of me and won't ask me to lose weight to make him feel better. I know being obese comes with multiple health problems. I got a check up recently and my good doctor told me all of my stats are in safe areas and the only thing I have to work on is my weight.

Hey DrG......OK ive seen my fair share of big guys with "regular" guys. hell ive seen the "unattrative" with a very "attractive" guy. (By the way attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder) i live in texas and yeah gays are vain....but you know what who in this world isnt. im not the biggest nor the smallest guy and top it off im short. the guys im interested in arent interested in me. you want a "regular" guy, and the closest that ive ever gotten to the type of guy i want was just holden him cause he was lonely that nite. i hate it. but i deal with it. suck it up...im not tring to be mean, but dude you could wait an eternity and never get what you want. im not tellin you to settle, but beggers cant be choosers....right?

 

[yuty]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

If you can't get a date because of your obesity, than work out.....

Seriously, girls bust their asses every damn day to have a thin waist.

Simply put, we live in a society where obesity isn't attractive to the majority of the populace. It isn't right, but it is what it is.

You can either try to find a gay guy who is attracted to overweight men, or a gay guy who is also overweight, or an imaginary gay guy who is extremely handsome and well-mannered, and loves you for the person inside, not the outside.

If you're obese, work out, lose the fat. You'll not only be healthier but you'll also feel good about yourself.

 

[Lewis1]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

wow i really hear what your saying as iam in the same situation
i am overweight black so forth and so on
i feel as if iam not attractive and that i will never meet someone that truly likes me for who i am on the inside but and there is a strong but in your case

1. you do not have the power to systematicaly break down societal views thats something you have no control over

2. as someone else has said you seem to have a lot of the same standards as the others you speak of (i know that you meant it in a way that you wouldnt discriminate but you also seem to say you want the best situation) in which we all do

3. your inside such as your heart, mind ,personality is not the part of you that is staring ppul in the face at first glance but guess what is you guessed it boyfriend your looks/body and in most cases are the foundation for any relationships that forms you see someone they dont have to be drop dead gorgeous but there is usually something (physically) that makes you look at them or wanna talk to them so forth and so on

4.you get what you put out

if you arent naturally attracted to guys like yourself (and iam talking to the point of almost distaste for others that do not look like you ) then it would be in your best intrest to make yourself as much as possible in to the person you wish to attract

5. my advice is stop staying in your stance of "the world should accept me for who iam or else" philosophy your going to be a dog chasing its tail
as i said before you need to work twords making yourself into the person you want to attract whether it be physically, mentally,emotionaly financially ect
it starts with you

you know what you gotta do

 

[DoctorGiggles25]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

Hello again. You guys are very persistant and after 3 and a half years I should know that by now. I will admit looking back on this post, I was in a different mind set and that set was based on a false reality that I think I have come out of. I know all about society and our fucked up ways. Im not as vain as I make myself out to be and if you guys really knew me, you would know what I mean. This is why I love JUB as previously stated. You guys gave me that slap in the face that I needed and helped me realize a lot of things about myself. I hope this thread helps someone and if it does, the criticism Ive received will not be in vain.

~ DG

 

[nitish]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

I never understood why (unattractive) people feel they're entitled to hook up with an attractive person. Why don't they feel entitled to hook up with an equally unattractive person. I am not saying this in a negative way. I am just wondering.

 

[backpacker]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

Hello again. You guys are very persistant and after 3 and a half years I should know that by now. I will admit looking back on this post, I was in a different mind set and that set was based on a false reality that I think I have come out of. I know all about society and our fucked up ways. Im not as vain as I make myself out to be and if you guys really knew me, you would know what I mean. This is why I love JUB as previously stated. You guys gave me that slap in the face that I needed and helped me realize a lot of things about myself. I hope this thread helps someone and if it does, the criticism Ive received will not be in vain.

~ DG

Well said. It takes a big man to admit his mistakes and learn from them.

 

[mabby7]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

im not tellin you to settle, but beggers cant be choosers....right?

Sorry to tell you i would not date you either.

These quotes made me laugh, but felt kinda brought back to reality. I guess it's because I really wanted to read sugar coated answers.

I never understood why (unattractive) people feel they're entitled to hook up with an attractive person. Why don't they feel entitled to hook up with an equally unattractive person. I am not saying this in a negative way. I am just wondering.

Ummm ... people have "settled" for someone, but maybe what you're asking is why don't people go for the "unattractive" straight off. I dunno. Maybe it's because at first they aren't appealing (for whatever reason that may be). But after people get to know someone, they may eventually get to like them or maybe not.

 

[Luminox]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

Aleister,Nitish : I second (and third !) that...Sorry Giggles but you can't have double standards like that...

Really hot and attractive guys are usually gonna go for good-looking people as well. And I mean, why shouldn't they ? If I looked like a model I wouldn't be settling for fat or unattractive guys either, knowing that I can do better than that !

I spent all my life chasing after those hot and attractive guys and it got me nowhere ! I just kinda accepted the fact that I am (ok, 'was') fat and ugly and that's it, that they gotta accept me for how I am . Guess what ? THEY DIDN'T ! So a couple of years ago I changed my mentality and started working on the opposite : I started trying to become "hot" and attractive myself, so that I can earn the "right" (if I may call it that) to get one of those guys ! I know it sounds all weird and funny but it really kinda is that way ...

I realised I can't have that kinda double standards cos I would certainly not date/hook up with a guy like myself...so I tried on becoming more like one of those guys I always am attracted to. (Now I've changed my whole outlook on life and I'm more concerend about being healthy and fit than being hot but that's a different story, lol ! But being healhty and fit usually means attractive too...)

 

[bluedragon4]

Re: Why can't I find a gay man who can accept my obesity? (FYI: This will be lengthy.

Hello again. You guys are very persistant and after 3 and a half years I should know that by now. I will admit looking back on this post, I was in a different mind set and that set was based on a false reality that I think I have come out of. I know all about society and our fucked up ways. Im not as vain as I make myself out to be and if you guys really knew me, you would know what I mean. This is why I love JUB as previously stated. You guys gave me that slap in the face that I needed and helped me realize a lot of things about myself. I hope this thread helps someone and if it does, the criticism Ive received will not be in vain.

~ DG

Didn't you just post this in May? How different of a mind set can you be in?