Why do most gay relationships fail?

[JUB]

From what I've seen over 95% of gay relationships fail. Why do you think this is? I was with a guy from 10 1/2 years and even that ended. It seems like to me that guys can't settle down with one guy. I know of gay couples who are in open relationships but they usually end as well. I like traditional relationships and I don't what to be in an open relationship. I'm usually very positive but it is hard to stay positive when gay relationships around me always fail. Is there hope?

Mark

 

[looseliam]

I'm of agreement with you, though other's will come along and yell "NOT EVERYONE." But I digress.

I wish I had the magic answer - I don't think anyone does.

I think by and large, promiscuity is less frowned-upon in our community and as such, many are more inclined to give into the little birdie saying "the grass is greener on the other side." I've been guilty of it myself.

 

[JUB]

Where does the statistic for over 95% come from? And what qualifies as a relationship?

I can agree with you in some ways. I don't want to be in an open relationship. I don't have the desire to have sex with multiple guys.

Most relationships that I see regardless of the people involved seem to end. It's somewhat discouraging, but since I'm not in them I tend to overlook them.

I came up with this myself based on what I know. I doubt there is actually statistics on something like this but I'm sure if is very high. There is a high percentage of straight relationships that fail but gay relationships seem to have a way higher failure rate.

 

[Geoffboyardee]

Awww, and I just left a thread where I posted a picture of cheesy hearts.



But yeah, I know what you mean. Who knows why? Perhaps it's just that generation. (i hope)

 

[borg69unimatrix]

IMO-

A lot of guys fall in love with the DREAM of a relationship, and not the actual guy. They're so in love with the fantasy, they jump into every relationship they can, before they realize the GUY isn't the 'perfect' dream guy they were (unrealistically) looking for.

A lot of guys don't know what they want, so they drift from relationship to relationship hoping the next one will be 'it'... and unfortunately, a lot of guys bail out when they realize just how much WORK actually goes into a relationship.

Today's fast food drive through window style of 'dating' (HOOKUPS) doesn't help either. How do you settle down when there are endless choices??? By picking ONE guy, it seems a lot of guys fear what they might be giving up, instead of focusing on what it is they HAVE.

A lot of guys have little concept of communication, or really what a commitment is, and will break up over petty things instead of trying to work it out.

 

[hotb0d]

IMO-

A lot of guys fall in love with the DREAM of a relationship, and not the actual guy. They're so in love with the fantasy, they jump into every relationship they can, before they realize the GUY isn't the 'perfect' dream guy they were (unrealistically) looking for.

A lot of guys don't know what they want, so they drift from relationship to relationship hoping the next one will be 'it'... and unfortunately, a lot of guys bail out when they realize just how much WORK actually goes into a relationship.

Today's fast food drive through window style of 'dating' (HOOKUPS) doesn't help either. How do you settle down when there are endless choices??? By picking ONE guy, it seems a lot of guys fear what they might be giving up, instead of focusing on what it is they HAVE.

A lot of guys have little concept of communication, or really what a commitment is, and will break up over petty things instead of trying to work it out.

AMEN! I agree 100%
When a relationship is more than one year, I think it's not about firework or chemistry that drives the relationship. It is the commitment to the relationship, and sadly most people tend to give up half way. I feel like whenever there is trouble paradise, people just equate that to them not being in love anymore and most people just reach the conclusion: no love, no relationship. It's time to move on.

 

[maxpowr9]

My whole world got turned upside-down today. My best friend's parents of 35 years, yes 35 years of marriage, are getting divorced. Reckon I am actually not surprised they are splitting up (something about how all 4 of the children abhor their father). The funny part was, they only stayed together for the children lmao.

I know my generation is very fickle and would rather run away from a problem rather than try and solve it. As others have said, I feel people are fed the "happily ever after" story of love and think it is easy. I know first hand it takes a lot of work to make a relationship last. There is no magical formula.

I will add this statement because it needs to be said again. Infidelity is a character flaw, not a (gay) community problem. There are many loyal companions out there but if you are 'looking for love in all the wrong places' it is your own fault. While throwing around other tidbits, "You can't change people. They have to be willing to change themselves."

 

[HunterM]

Do you guys think if a gay couple who have kids together (by adoption or surrogate) would stay in a relationship longer than gay couples who don't have kids?

Once you have a child, generally speaking, both parents would focus on providing for the child and his/her well being...and be able to put aside each other's petty differences. They gain a perspective of looking out for the family. They get to see the big picture.

Anyway, it's just a theory.

 

[Nomenclature]

Mark. . .you're. . .kidding, right?

50% of straight relationships end in divorce. 80% of all straight relationships end due to infidelity. Straight people break up and are lonely like, all the time too. Successful relationships - gay or straight - are just flat-out rare. I would guess, though, that most relationships end because people rush into them, and aren't mature enough to handle a monogamous commitment. In the straight world, there's an immense pressure to get married and have children. . .and most people do it before they're ready.

 

[Corny]

^ and the few straight relationships that last - most of the time spend ~20 years raising kids together. Something that keeps them together.

 

[castoono]

Most sentimental relationships fail. Gay or not.

 

[BiMike]

^ and the few straight relationships that last - most of the time spend ~20 years raising kids together. Something that keeps them together.

I fully agree, although the 'relationship' in str8 couples often breaks down the couple stay together and live their own lives, due to the investment in family and housing involved. In gay relationships often the partners are not so financially and emotionally involved with each other. So once the 'attraction' disappears they just breakup ! Sad for both parties concerned,possibily in late life.

 

[chillyboi]

1 word
Drama!!!

 

[sixthson]

A relationship is only as good as the foundation it is built upon. Sex is never a good foundation. Two guys meet, they have sex right away, they are compatible and good sex equals love, right? Wrong. If JUB is any indication of gay relationships, there is a whole lot of sex going on but very little love.

So, what exactly is a relationship? A relationship is nothing if it is not everything. It involves two people coming together and sharing all of life with each other. There is a keen sense that you are building a life together, something permanent, lasting, where you don't run the minute a problem arises. With real love comes commtment. Too many people see commitment as a heavy anchor that keeps someone from straying. In reality, commitment is freedom...freedom to love in a way that you cannot love where there is no exclusivity. And true love is exclusive...it excludes all others. This does not sit well with many, however. I guess one man's freedom is another man's prison.

It is my contention that the more sex partners a person has before they settle down, the less likely they are to be happy in the relationship. Why would that sex drive for lots of sex with lots of different guys suddenly depart just because you find love, especially after the honeymoon period? Again, all you have to do is look at JUB to see what people think of those of us who have not had multiple bed partners. It's like we are freaks of nature.

 

[FPNY]

Here's my two cents worth. I can speak from experience in this matter. My partner and I celebrated our 30th anniversary in February. I was and still am amazed at the number of people who crave a LTR, it's the thing of their dreams, yet they have no idea how much work it takes to make one go. You basically have to have the ability to turn the other cheek when necessary to keep peace and harmony in a household. You must be able to choose your arguments carefully. Somethings are just not worth arguing over.

In our house we have had numerous incidents that would have caused most other couples to call it quits. Infidelity is the one that sticks in my mind most. My partner announced on day that he met someone and had fallen in love and was leaving me. He did leave me, we separated for several months. During our separation we continued to talk about things, we realized that we were both at fault in one form or another for the affair, we decided we loved each other more than anything and decided to give it another go. That was five or so years ago. We are still together. I read and hear stories of couples separating for the most minor things that it makes me laugh to think there was a relationship to break up at all. Living a life together means just that, each person lives their lives, life throws curve balls and you have to want to handle them together. We both had and still have stressful successful careers, managing those, a home, friends, family, money and everything that comes along with it adds to the stress.

What is the moral? I think that there has to be a very strong commitment to one another, a very strong sense of love and devotion helps too.

 

[kallipolis]

The end of any relationship with another human person should not be construed as failure, rather a recognition that human interactions are not programmed, with a fail-save gene that guarantees the relationship will last until one, or the other of the partners dies.

That a relationship lasted one, five, or ten years is evidence that for a duration a loving partnership sustained the needs of both partners.

Perceptions of failure are rather indicative of the black, and white outlook of a person who views their relationships, in absolute terms rather than understanding that as one relationship ends, we are as a result of the success of that previous relationship encouraged to begin a new with another partner.

The value that we accrue out of our relationships of all varieties, is never discovered in their duration but in the benefits that we receive for having made the effort to make our previous relationships worthwhile.

 

[JayHawk]

Lack of sacrifice and lack of devotion... it is just easier to not work through hard issues and since our community has very little actual legal ties in the form of marriage it is all that easier to simply go on to something else. There is no reward for sticking it out or at least none that you can easily identify.

 

[Telstra]

1 word
Drama!!!

yep maybe dramma and selfish.

Most gays have some sort of mental issues because of societies/cultures fault.

 

[wonderfulwilkinson]

I don't know. However, from my experiences, I'd say that many gay relationships come out of convenience. It's a little bit harder to find a perfectly compatible partner when not everyone is gay and not everyone is out. To give an example, my gay college roommate is currently dating my gay neighbor, the first openly gay guy he met on campus. I don't think it'll work out in the long term and they've already had their fair share of difficulty, wanting to break up and all (though that's a different story; I think it's harder when it's your first relationship like that one). I don't believe they're the best for eachother overall, but they are the best for eachother that they've found so far, which, really, isn't good enough.

In addition, in younger couples, you have to deal with issues of questioning and insecurity.

 

[HunterM]

Lack of sacrifice and lack of devotion... it is just easier to not work through hard issues and since our community has very little actual legal ties in the form of marriage it is all that easier to simply go on to something else. There is no reward for sticking it out or at least none that you can easily identify.

There's a lot of truth to this in all relationships...gay and straight. When there are legal obligations such as in a marriage, breaking up (divorce) has consequences. How to split up material wealth (finances)? How is it going to affect the children emotionally? Who gets custody of the children? Who pays for alimony and how much? It makes a person think twice while assessing if divorce is the right course of action. There is a stake in a commitment...so to speak.

If there are no legal consequences, it's more convenient to breakup when things don't work out...instead of working through problems. Let's face it, most men would not admit they need to see a therapist or a counselor to address internal issues.