Why do most gay relationships fail?

[dylanjohnthomas]

Gay bed death? Usually leads to cheating and so people break apart. I am with my BF of nearly a year now and we decided 3 months in to keep it open, that way we can love each other and more importantly for me not link sex to love.

(I personally find sex more of a animalistic, lust driven thing. rather than a loving enbrace. Although thats probably form the devaluation of it through doing porn)

 

[altlover85]

I think gay relationships fail because some of the guys in them don't have the tools to make things work. In my first relationship, there was so much that I didn't know and had to learn. We don't all have the societal support that marriage supplies and if you don't have kids, you don't have as much of a reason to stay together (although I think staying together for the kids is generally a bad idea) as couples with kids do. I'm pretty sure gay couples are less likely to have kids than straight couples.

IMO-

A lot of guys fall in love with the DREAM of a relationship, and not the actual guy. They're so in love with the fantasy, they jump into every relationship they can, before they realize the GUY isn't the 'perfect' dream guy they were (unrealistically) looking for.

A lot of guys don't know what they want, so they drift from relationship to relationship hoping the next one will be 'it'... and unfortunately, a lot of guys bail out when they realize just how much WORK actually goes into a relationship.

Today's fast food drive through window style of 'dating' (HOOKUPS) doesn't help either. How do you settle down when there are endless choices??? By picking ONE guy, it seems a lot of guys fear what they might be giving up, instead of focusing on what it is they HAVE.

A lot of guys have little concept of communication, or really what a commitment is, and will break up over petty things instead of trying to work it out.

I agree with this. I know there have been times in my current relationship where I had to take a step back and make sure I was being realistic about things.

It is my contention that the more sex partners a person has before they settle down, the less likely they are to be happy in the relationship. Why would that sex drive for lots of sex with lots of different guys suddenly depart just because you find love, especially after the honeymoon period? Again, all you have to do is look at JUB to see what people think of those of us who have not had multiple bed partners. It's like we are freaks of nature.

For me, it departed because having sex with different guys, but not having any deeper connection, got old.

Lack of sacrifice and lack of devotion... it is just easier to not work through hard issues and since our community has very little actual legal ties in the form of marriage it is all that easier to simply go on to something else.

I agree with this part of what you wrote.

 

[swerve]

Here's my two cents worth. I can speak from experience in this matter. My partner and I celebrated our 30th anniversary in February. I was and still am amazed at the number of people who crave a LTR, it's the thing of their dreams, yet they have no idea how much work it takes to make one go. You basically have to have the ability to turn the other cheek when necessary to keep peace and harmony in a household. You must be able to choose your arguments carefully. Somethings are just not worth arguing over.

In our house we have had numerous incidents that would have caused most other couples to call it quits. Infidelity is the one that sticks in my mind most. My partner announced on day that he met someone and had fallen in love and was leaving me. He did leave me, we separated for several months. During our separation we continued to talk about things, we realized that we were both at fault in one form or another for the affair, we decided we loved each other more than anything and decided to give it another go. That was five or so years ago. We are still together. I read and hear stories of couples separating for the most minor things that it makes me laugh to think there was a relationship to break up at all. Living a life together means just that, each person lives their lives, life throws curve balls and you have to want to handle them together. We both had and still have stressful successful careers, managing those, a home, friends, family, money and everything that comes along with it adds to the stress.

What is the moral? I think that there has to be a very strong commitment to one another, a very strong sense of love and devotion helps too.

That is a BEAUTIFUL post!!!

Unfortunately, I don't have any words of wisdom on this topic...

My simple mind tells me that after 10 years of living together, you SHOULD be able to work ANYTHING out...

Sorry to hear about that Mark -- you seem like a really nice guy...

 

[altlover85]

sometimes I wonder if my boyfriend and I are starting to circle the drain right now.

I'm pretty happy with what we are, but when I think about a couple years down the line, my vision starts getting murkier.

I don't know if maybe he's selfish or maybe I'm selfish or maybe we both are, but the thought of moving in together makes me want to run and hide, between hating his apartment, hating his cat, and the fact that he's a slob (and I'm no neat freak, but I avoid sleeping over multiple nights in a row because his shower scares me)

Have you talked to him about any of this?

 

[GiacomoPisani]

i really don't know why,they are supposed to be long lasting after all,right?,i still don't know how come some gays after all the shit they go through to find a stable relationship ,they end up screwing it.To have a good gay partner nowadays is like Gold.some gays also have this weird "genetic" or "hormonal" condition of being prone to actually enjoy loneliness.

 

[altlover85]

we've had the "I think your apartment is disgusting" discussion, which typically ends with him talking about wanting to clean it up, blaming the existing mess on his old roommate (who moved out in January), and saying that he's going to start cleaning next weekend (without ever actually doing it when next weekend comes).

we haven't had the "I kinda hate your cat" discussion, but the cat is getting up there in years...

Haha! What about moving to your place?

 

[altlover85]

too far from his job.

I'm 30-45 minutes away from work from either of our apartments, but commuting from my place would double his commute.

not that moving in together is even on the horizon, but I'm the kinda guy who's thinking about everything at all times and preparing for any/every eventuality.

Oh okay. I think that's understandable.

 

[bulge]

Why do most str8 relationships fail?

 

[rareboy]

Well Mark.

After 29 years with my partner, I don't have the reasons why they fail.

But I can tell you why they succeed.

Patience.

Humour.

Compromise.

Only one drama queen at a time.

Shared interests.

My partner and I actually have spent 24 hrs a day together for almost every day since we got together. Unlike the guys that spend 8-12 hours apart each day.

Maybe that has something to do with it.

Maybe it was having a mortgage.

Maybe it was just having the farm we both love.

Maybe it was watching all the trainwreck relationships and marriages, gay and straight, around us.

Maybe it is because my own parents just learned to put up with the things they wished they could change about the other and just loved their partner including their imperfections.


And did I mention patience.

Not sweating the small stuff.

Realizing that 90% of it is small stuff.

Even with my first LTR...we remain friends to this day.

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

I was wondering this recently. I am 20 years old, I've only had two technical boyfriends (including the guy I am seeing now). So I am not the most experienced dater, but I've learned a lot already.

So why do relationships fail often? I think a lot of you guys have really hit some points on the nail! When my friends call me about their relationship drama, most of the time it is one partner never knowing when to pick his/her battles. Fighting over every little thing does not help anyone. No one likes to be attacked either. So I tell them to not fret over the small things. However, you don't want to be like me a few years ago with my first boyfriend. Being a dormat may keep your relationship going, but it probably won't make you happy.

One thing I noticed too is that the novelity factor wears off. The beginning of every relationship is always glorious. Your heart is fluttering, you can't wait to see him, and you're just glowing all around. As time goes by, it seems as though no one seems to try as much as they did in the beginning. "People change" and you get some comfortable with each other that it is easier to argue and take one another for granted. I just believe it is best to make sure someone knows you appreciate them, otherwise you get.

No one is perfect, and people shouldn't expect their partners to be perfect. As long as I am not getting abused, put down, or any other demeaning attitude....Ultimately we decided whether the person is worth it or not.

 

[justaguy]

Why do most str8 relationships fail?

In New Zealand, at least, we seem to have fewer divorces than the US. Once married, hetero couples tend to stick together here.

I think, the reason homo couples tend to break up more frequently in comparison comes down to one thing, as already mentioned ... KIDS. We have an inbuilt instinct to want to care for our offspring. Hence, married couples stick together in order to do this. And of course, homo couples generally don't have this, and have less of an incentive to want to stick together during a bad patch in a relationship.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

sometimes I wonder if my boyfriend and I are starting to circle the drain right now.

I'm pretty happy with what we are, but when I think about a couple years down the line, my vision starts getting murkier.

I don't know if maybe he's selfish or maybe I'm selfish or maybe we both are, but the thought of moving in together makes me want to run and hide, between hating his apartment, hating his cat, and the fact that he's a slob (and I'm no neat freak, but I avoid sleeping over multiple nights in a row because his shower scares me)

Perfect example of my theory that people just jump head first into relationships without thinking.

Had you taken the time to get to know him before you got in a relationship with him, you would have known all these things about him, and decided that he was NOT a good match for you...

...But I am going to go out on a limb, and assume you DID know before hand, and was mostly thinking with the 'little head' (your dick) and was blinded by lust and hoped everything else would work itself out and agreed to a relationship (COMMITMENT) already knowing he was a slob, had a cat, and a scary bathroom.

He NEVER was "Mr. Right" for you... he was always "Mr. Ok-For-Now".

IMO- You can't complain about these things, because YOU chose HIM. And in the off chance you didn't know these things about him before you got in a relationship, you didn't know him well enough before you agreed to a relationship.

THIS is how he is... do you love him 'unconditionally', AS IS, or not ???

***Disclaimer*** If you're under 25, I'll give you some slack on account of uncontrollable hormones of youth, and inexperience.

 

[altlover85]

Call me a pessimist, but I don't really believe in the popular notions of "love". Guys often get into a relationship expecting something unrealistic... if it works, great.. but it probably won't or will stop eventually.

As Dan Savage says, every relationship ends until you find the one that doesn't.

 

[Nomenclature]

Who gives two shits what straight people do? This is not justusstraights.com.

Stay on topic, ffs.

The point is that few people are mature enough for a serious relationship. I really wouldn't say that most straight people are better off than us, because i've seen/known a hell of a lot of whacky straight people who utterly fail in the love department. It's about having realistic expectations, for one thing. "Oh, this relationship is difficult? Well, fuck this i'm leaving."


Now, maybe if you weren't so rude, you would be in a relationship?

 

[cariblk]

Most relationships fail...gay or not.

 

[Ram]

It's because they are not dating me.

I think it has to do with the fact that:

1) we are men and we have to balance thinking with our brains and dicks and we use one more often than the other.

2) It's a East, West thing. I don't see a lot of relationships -- straight or gay -- ending here because investing into a relationship is extremely valuable. I need to stop hanging out with gold-diggers.

But whatever really. So what if it's 90% or 99% failure rate for gay relationships? When a relationship fails, it reflects on the people involved in that relationship, not the community, not you. You don't take their failure to justify your lonely ass miserable life. They are breaking up, it's their problem -- unless you have to something to do it.

I can't wait to spend the reminding years of my life with the man I love and the jocks and twinks outside the marriage.

 

[Ram]

Well Mark.

After 29 years with my partner, I don't have the reasons why they fail.

But I can tell you why they succeed.

Patience.

Humour.

Compromise.

Only one drama queen at a time.

Shared interests.

My partner and I actually have spent 24 hrs a day together for almost every day since we got together. Unlike the guys that spend 8-12 hours apart each day.

Maybe that has something to do with it.

Maybe it was having a mortgage.

Maybe it was just having the farm we both love.

Maybe it was watching all the trainwreck relationships and marriages, gay and straight, around us.

Maybe it is because my own parents just learned to put up with the things they wished they could change about the other and just loved their partner including their imperfections.


And did I mention patience.

Not sweating the small stuff.

Realizing that 90% of it is small stuff.

Even with my first LTR...we remain friends to this day.

What a beautiful post.

 

[Ram]

reminding

remaining*. Was thinking with my dick back there.

 

[BostonPirate]

the gay divorce rate is lower than the hetero one in Massachusetts.

You just have to find the right guy and let him know you want it to last forever.... pop the question and come to Boston to get hitched. We changed the residency laws for all marriages in the state. You dont need to be a resident here to get married here now.

Commitment to alot of work making sure your relationship is healthy are things that gay men and lesbians are willing to do.

I think there are just some types of people that will never want to give up the freedom of casual sex. That marriage license is not just symbolic. Being sworn to a lifelong commitment before a judge is not something you enter or leave lightly

 

[altlover85]

I think there are just some types of people that will never want to give up the freedom of casual sex. That marriage license is not just symbolic. Being sworn to a lifelong commitment before a judge is not something you enter or leave lightly

How many of the marriages are open relationships though? I would suspect the number to be higher among gay couples than straight ones.

Although there's also the issue of a straight couple admitting their relationship was open in the first place.