Why do so many bisexual men refuse to identify as such?

[Adrusek81]

I have observed that many men who self-identify as gay or heterosexual frequently engage in, and actively seek out, sexual interactions with women (in the case of "gay" men), and men (in the case of "straight" men). The argument that is often used is that they cannot establish any form of emotional bond with the people they have sex with, or they can fall in love with them but do not experience much desire, if any at all.

Do these people not realize that there are many degrees of bisexuality, and that bisexuals don't have to feel equal degrees of affective attachment and physical attraction for both genders? Why is it that they are so reluctant to acknowledge their own bisexuality, even though they seem to be comfortable with acting upon it? I have always found this interesting.

I am mentioning this because I have been in relationships with three men who were in this situation, and I always found it bizarre that they would be so uncomfortable about discussing their own sexuality, not to mention defensive about it, but found it acceptable to use it as a means to justify being unfaithful or even trying to force me into participating in their escapades with women, in spite of their evident "fear" of being labelled as bisexual.

Is bisexuality so reviled that bisexual people are weary of owning up to their orientation?

I am saying this because I have told people that their behaviour indicates that they are bisexual, and I have only gotten angry responses because of it - not to mention that I have simultaneously been accused of being narrow-minded and suffering from internalized homophobia, biphobia and misogyny for simply saying "maybe you are bisexual". I have also been told that I am a prude, an intolerant person and that I am "uncomfortable" with being gay for not wanting to "experiment" with women, which is a bit of a strange reasoning.

Thus, I am curious to hear other people's opinions, other than "closet bisexuals are users and cheaters and they enjoy wreaking havoc in other people's lives" and "if you are gay and don't want to experiment you are a sanctimonious individual who isn't any better than religious bigots, and are secretly judging others even though you should know better than to do so".

Thanks!

 

[evanrick]

blame it on culture.

 

[Benvolio]

A true bisexual would be one who is sexually attracted to both men and women. I am not sure any exist, but only they can know. A person who has sex with both is not necessarily bisexual, in my opinion. Young people especially, may be able to perform with both but part of the performance may merely be a form of masturbation. Many straight men perform as gay porn stars without being attracted to men. And many gay men have sex with women when they are young, but as they grow older, realize that they are really gay, not bi.

 

[rareboy]

@ the OP

If you have been in 'relationships' with three closet cases who refuse to admit that they like cock, you might want to re-evaluate your own choices in bf's. The first thing you should be doing when you find out that the guy swinging off the end of your dick thinks he's straight is to run like hell.

 

[Adrusek81]

A true bisexual would be one who is sexually attracted to both men and women. I am not sure any exist, but only they can know. A person who has sex with both is not necessarily bisexual, in my opinion..

Yes, but said attraction doesn't have to be equal. Also, bisexual people do exist and, in my experience, are many more than most people think - you'd be surprised at how many people are bisexual (and in denial, if I might add).

Many people make the mistake of assuming that bisexual people must actively seek to have relationships with both men and women, or need to be in relationships with both at the same time, in order to be proper bisexuals - which is a serious misconception, and isn't the case at all. Bisexuality can range from fantasies and incidental, fully enjoyed bisexuality to long term relationships with either gender, with many variants regarding physical and emotional attraction. What I find truly strange is the fact that people assume that just because they are in a relationship with a man/woman, and only have sex with the opposite/same gender while refusing to becoming emotionally involved with their tricks/fuck buddies, they are not bisexual, but exclusively gay or straight. Is this a matter of ignorance? A lack of understanding of sexuality? Does society really pressurize people to "pick a side", as Evanrick said? I'd like someone to answer these questions from their own perspective.

@ the OP.
If you have been in 'relationships' with three closet cases who refuse to admit that they like cock, you might want to re-evaluate your own choices in bf's. The first thing you should be doing when you find out that the guy swinging off the end of your dick thinks he's straight is to run like hell.

Actually, the three of them identified as gay, but their sexual history revealed that they were bisexual. Moreover, they were quite belligerent and aggressive about it, and reacted angrily whenever anyone implied that they could be bisexual. I have never had anything to do with a "straight" man who had sex/relationships with other men, mainly because as soon as a guy tells me he is "heterosexual", I lose all interest in him. However, I have observed similar behavioural patterns in men who self-identify as gay and yet, also are bisexuals in denial.

I have nothing against bisexuality in itself, but I must say that the interactions I have had with both openly and self-repressed bisexuals have made me very weary and mistrustful of them. Many people complain about gay people being dramatic, but I've never met a single gay person who got into the titanic sized messes that bisexual people like to get (and, unfortunately, drag others) into.

 

[MoufOfKhaos]

Maybe because not only do a lot of people in the straight community not believe in bi people, a lot of gays openly have all these rules against them.

They are fighting an un-winnable battle from the same people that are supposed to be understanding. Now why in the hell would you be "out and proud" as openly as we are given that double standard of a circumstance?

 

[SaskGuy]

There are a lot more bisexual guys than we think. Most of them just go for women, especially if they live in homophobic areas. Also, a lot of guys who identify as bisexual are actually gay.
It's really hard to tell who is actually bisexual or not, because of all this.

 

[AngelFromAbove]

There are multiple reasons:

1) The idea of bisexuality, as a concept, is relatively new. While the behavior has certainly existed throughout history across all cultures and time, the idea of labeling a person and what that actually means is new in history. Therefore, many people will not call themselves bisexual as they do not understand the word or have not been exposed to word.

2) Socialization is very great and has a huge impact on every society, every culture and subculture. If homosexuality is even acknowledged in a society, then people are usually taught to view sexuality in terms of binaries. In other words, a person is either heterosexual or homosexual. This idea ties into my first assertion. Therefore, people only see themselves as one or the other. This contention leads me to my third contention.

3) Homosexuality and homosexual behavior is still seen as a deviation or abnormality. As a result, people are not going to acknowledge their attractions to or behaviors with members of the same sex, if they are aware. It is more socially rewarding, at the very least, to acknowledge opposite sex attractions leading to many repressing same sex desires or denying them. People will often choose what is more socially rewarding as we are animals, social animals, and it is a survival instinct.

 

[Kulindahr]

Everyone's bisexual. Some are honest enough to realize it.

 

[MoufOfKhaos]

Everyone's bisexual. Some are honest enough to realize it.

I hope you're kidding(and it's possible that the saccharine sarcasm just missed me), because that's another thought-line I despise.

 

[Adrusek81]

There are multiple reasons:

1) The idea of bisexuality, as a concept, is relatively new. While the behavior has certainly existed throughout history across all cultures and time, the idea of labeling a person and what that actually means is new in history. Therefore, many people will not call themselves bisexual as they do not understand the word or have not been exposed to word.

2) Socialization is very great and has a huge impact on every society, every culture and subculture. If homosexuality is even acknowledged in a society, then people are usually taught to view sexuality in terms of binaries. In other words, a person is either heterosexual or homosexual. This idea ties into my first assertion. Therefore, people only see themselves as one or the other. This contention leads me to my third contention.

3) Homosexuality and homosexual behavior is still seen as a deviation or abnormality. As a result, people are not going to acknowledge their attractions to or behaviors with members of the same sex, if they are aware. It is more socially rewarding, at the very least, to acknowledge opposite sex attractions leading to many repressing same sex desires or denying them. People will often choose what is more socially rewarding as we are animals, social animals, and it is a survival instinct.

This is a truly excellent post. However, how would you explain the fact that, in Western societies, where there is abundant information regarding sexuality and its many complexities, people still seem to be extremely reluctant to self-identify as bisexual? Equally, why is it that some bisexual men choose to self-identify as gay? Could it be that, as homosexuality has become more accepted, the notions of a polarized sexuality have come to the forefront, to the detriment of "intermediate" forms of psycho-emotional and sexual expression?

I would also be interested in finding out what you think about societies such as those in Northern Africa and the Middle East, where inter-generational male bisexuality and same sex behaviour among youths are common enough to be a part of the local culture, even if it is rarely acknowledged.

 

[frankfrank]

Everyone's bisexual. Some are honest enough to realize it.

I disagree, though I think the percentage is reasonably high. You are, of course, even via my definition - where the person must feel at least "significant" erotic attraction toward the less-preferred gender (or, OF COURSE, feel equally about both). Of course "significant" is one of those weasel-words which cannot really be ascertained legally, but it's hard to come up with a qualitative percentage which would be appropriate, especially when most bisexuals themselves may not be able to assign such percentages.

My thoughts are that at least 25% of adults are bisexual, whether leaning more Gay or more Straight (or equally in the middle).

There are multiple reasons:

1) The idea of bisexuality, as a concept, is relatively new. While the behavior has certainly existed throughout history across all cultures and time, the idea of labeling a person and what that actually means is new in history.

Isn't there some Native American term "two spirits" or something? Would that imply bisexuality?

3) Homosexuality and homosexual behavior is still seen as a deviation or abnormality. As a result, people are not going to acknowledge their attractions to or behaviors with members of the same sex, if they are aware. It is more socially rewarding, at the very least, to acknowledge opposite sex attractions leading to many repressing same sex desires or denying them. People will often choose what is more socially rewarding as we are animals, social animals, and it is a survival instinct.

What about bisexuals who call themselves Gay? They would be exceptions to your #3.

 

[Adrock-JD]

Here's my two cents on the subject.

Most people are straight (at one end of the scale) Some are gay (the other end of the scale) and some are at other places on the scale and may even move up or down the scale during their lifetime.

Since most people are straight, they can usually just assume everyone they meet is also straight. Most of the time they'd be right.

Many people who aren't straight have to make an effort to correct the majority on the issue.

It's unsettling to a lot of people to discuss sex or sexuality in mixed company or with casual acquaintances.

It's easier to not say anything. Especially since it doesn't pertain to most people they meet.

Since anything other than straight can be severely frowned upon, some gays and bisexuals may try and "soften the blow" by saying they don't believe in labels.

 

[ibill1]

If you have Netflix, go and watch "Angels of SEX". It's not a gay coming out story as it is much more about love and falling in love with someone regardless of their gender. The guys are hot and it will leave you with new thoughts on the matter. I'm 100% gay but came away with the feeling that loving someone can sometimes have nothing to do what gender they are.

 

[Kyanimal]

I disagree that Most people are entirely Str8. It has been proven, yet not readily Admitted, that Human Sexuality, in General, is quite Fluid. I think that Most people are indeed, or are capable of being, Bi. However, though it may be the Actual Norm, it's not the "Socially Acceptable" Norm. We tend to deceive ourselves in the face of "The Ideal", and having to live/cope under constant Public Pressure to Appear to measure up to that "Ideal"!

That would explain the adamant, even dramatic, Refusal of being "Labeled" as Anything other than "Normal"!

Though I KNEW, from when I can remember, that I was inherently Gay, I still did my best to live up to what was Expected of me. My real sexual history, up until I turned 30, was more Str8 rather than Gay, so I guess I could have been consider Bi during that stage. Throughout my teens and 20s, though there was an "Occasional Guy", I was a Major "Skirt Chaser", as I was Supposed to be!

Though I found myself being attracted to Girls, because I was interested in SEX Period!, and nearly married 5, or 6, of them, whom I really did fall In LOVE with, I always KNEW that I preferred Guys, to my Core, which is why I never went through with the marriage thing! I cared about "My Girls" too much to do that to/with them!

Since I turned 30, my sex life has been entirely Gay! And, though a Pretty Girl can still turn my head (big AND "little"), I'm really only "into" Guys! It took me SO long to Accept that!

I lived a "Bi" Life during that period, and would have Adamantly Insisted that I was Str8! I would have done ANYTHING to Appear to be "Normal", even though I KNEW that wasn't the case!

We Humans are Odd, Weird, and Extremely Complex! However, the Bottom Line is that we're ALL Sexual, in many, Many, different ways!

All the more reasons to ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[MorrisseyX]

Society doesn't accept male bisexuality although female bisexuality is treated like a sexual fetish. Remember, the actor Tom Hardy said he had bisexual experiences when he was a young man but he next claimed his comments were taking out of context.

Gavin Rosedale lied for a long time he had a romantic relationship with a gay British singer when he was a teenager but eventually admitted the truth only when the evidence was insurmountable.

Even in Hollywood, very few men admit they are bisexual because they know if they do say they are bi nobody is going to believe them. When a man says he's bisexual people just lump him into the gay category.

I think the only celebrity who is bisexual but isn't lumped into being called gay is Frank Ocean because he's very explicit that he does not want to be labelled as gay.

Look at the numerous female celebrities all saying they are bi Angelina Jolie, Lady Gaga, Anna Paquin, Amber Heard. Even Zoe Saldana recently said she wouldn't mind settling down and raising children with a woman when the Star Trek movie was released. A lot of people criticized Saldana saying she was using the bisexual tag as a way to promote herself as being sexy. For women being bisexual is not as harshly criticized as male bisexuality. Straight guys think it is hot when a pretty female actress says she's bi it helps her appeal to men.

In black communities bisexual black men are treated rather harshly because some black women fear they are spreading HIV to them because these men are on the down low and go both ways.

I don't know about the white world, but I imagine in white communities bisexual men are also frowned upon.

So bisexual men are caught between a rock and a hard place, if they come out to their female partners or friends they will be ridiculed. Even gay men attack bisexual guys they say bisexual men are lying about going both ways.

I personally believe bisexuality exists, because I've seen too many married men at the bathhouses to know these men like having sex with other men. However, a lot of bisexual men prefer romantic relationships with women. The gay sex is just an expression of their carnal desires they want to get off or receive a blow job from another man. But these bisexual men do not want to have romantic relationships with other men.

 

[ElmosToe]

Yoo Hoo, Mikey3000....

Society doesn't accept male bisexuality although female bisexuality is treated like a sexual fetish.

There's the answer to the question of the OP.

Even in Hollywood, very few men admit they are bisexual because they know if they do say they are bi nobody is going to believe them. When a man says he's bisexual people just lump him into the gay category.

But WHY??? It is beyond irritating.

For women being bisexual is not as harshly criticized as male bisexuality. Straight guys think it is hot when a pretty female actress says she's bi it helps her appeal to men.

^isn't this hypocritical double standard just so lovely?

In black communities bisexual black men are treated rather harshly because some black women fear they are spreading HIV to them because these men are on the down low and go both ways.

So it's blind, stubborn, naive, ignorance, with a splash of living in the past,I see.

So bisexual men are caught between a rock and a hard place, if they come out to their female partners or friends they will be ridiculed. Even gay men attack bisexual guys they say bisexual men are lying about going both ways.

truth

I personally believe bisexuality exists, because I've seen too many married men at the bathhouses to know these men like having sex with other men. However, a lot of bisexual men prefer romantic relationships with women. The gay sex is just an expression of their carnal desires they want to get off or receive a blow job from another man. But these bisexual men do not want to have romantic relationships with other men.

are they truly bisexual then? (hint: they're not straight, that's for sure.)

 

[AngelFromAbove]

This is a truly excellent post. However, how would you explain the fact that, in Western societies, where there is abundant information regarding sexuality and its many complexities, people still seem to be extremely reluctant to self-identify as bisexual? Equally, why is it that some bisexual men choose to self-identify as gay? Could it be that, as homosexuality has become more accepted, the notions of a polarized sexuality have come to the forefront, to the detriment of "intermediate" forms of psycho-emotional and sexual expression?

I would also be interested in finding out what you think about societies such as those in Northern Africa and the Middle East, where inter-generational male bisexuality and same sex behaviour among youths are common enough to be a part of the local culture, even if it is rarely acknowledged.

There really is not an abundant amount of information on human sexuality at this point, when compared to other subjects. Other than observing brain wave patterns and arousal to stimuli, there really are not many ways to measure people's sexuality. Even in those kinds of studies, there is not a consistent study of subjects. In other words, people in these studies are not measured frequently and consistently. It's very difficult to obtain an in-depth analysis, which means that there is a reliance on self-reporting or people's word.

As far as people being reluctant to identify as bisexual, to reiterate, it is a deviation from an established norm. As humans, it is a survival instinct to be cautious or weary of deviations, at the very least. Furthermore, there is a stigma attached to this deviation, homosexuality. Since we are discussing bisexuals, many of them do not want to encounter the stigma associated with admitting to same-sex attractions or behaviors. This is why many choose to pursue heterosexual relationships or sex only. Also, some really do not realize that they are bisexual. In lay terms, "I have an attractions to people of the opposite sex, so I cannot like members of the same sex. I can't be bisexual" or "If I don't have sex with another woman or man, then I am not bisexual". Those are just a couple of coping mechanisms.

For those who identify as gay, but are truly bisexual, some really have submitted, consciously or subconsciously, to the condition that a person is either gay or straight, heterosexual or homosexual. Socialization affects everyone to some degree. In addition, some gay men do recognize their opposite sex attractions, but their attractions to the same sex may be stronger or more rewarding overall, therefore these men do not feel the need to identify as bisexual.

Did I answer your questions for you?

 

[AngelFromAbove]

What about bisexuals who call themselves Gay? They would be exceptions to your #3.

1) Some gay men may not identify as bisexual simply because there is more of an attraction, emotionally or sexually, to members of the same sex and they feel that it is more accurate to call themselves gay.

2) My second point also addresses why some gay men would not call themselves bisexual. If many operate in binaries, many gay men will decide that they can only be gay as that's what they have been conditioned to believe, even if it's not accurate. The same goes for men who are straight as they will rationalize that they can only be straight, even if they may be some degree of bisexual. Ultimately, these people pick a side as they have not been told and cannot understand that there are other options in sexuality.

 

[kallipolis]

My experience with so called bi sexual men is sufficient for me to appreciate that their actions are sufficient to identify who and what they are. I do not need a coming out declaration from those who are sucking my penis.