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Would this bother you?

Honestly, yes, it would bother me and I certainly wouldn't be buying him any kind of a gift. In fact, I don't know how comfortable I would feel around him after that..
 
TX-Beau said:
Maybe it's a Texas thing, but it's really kind of rude not to invite a good friend to your wedding. Even if you know they can't or don't want to attend, you just say "of course we want you there but don't feel obligated if you'd rather not..."

I don't see how it's being considerate not to say some variant of that and just not invite your friend, then not mention it until he brings it up. To me that would appear like he didn't want me there, and didn't want to tell me why especially since the other friends got invited.

If he's so worried that you can't afford airfare, then he can't be upset when you send him a nice $2.00 card and not fine china.
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I'd say that's an Alberta thing too.
 
I live in the northeast and one of my childhood friends from the neighborhood was getting married in Spain (Where he was and still is residing) and we all got invitations to go. Now obviously, many of us could not attend and he completely understood. However, because we were friends he wanted us to know that he wished we could be there, etc.

However, I must ask a follow up question. So the flight cost $350, but what about everything else? Would you need to rent a car, get a hotel room, does he have room for everyone to stay that goes? How many days would you need to be out there? Do you need to rent a tux? He may have thought the trip as a whole could get pricey, and not just the flight. That, and maybe he did not want to have to make several trips back and forth to the closest airport when Im guessing there are many other things on their mind around the time of the wedding.

I think if you want to go, or are hurt by his actions, you need to man up and have another discussion with him. Good luck
 
I appreciate the responses everyone. I'm sorry I haven't said anything, this whole thing just really upsets me. I'm not usually offended by much so I'm not sure why. If they were just going to Vegas to get hitched it wouldn't bother me at all if I didn't get to go. The fact is, they're making a big deal about this wedding and he's expressed that it is a big deal to him.


Seasoned said:
Is homophobia on his part or her part playing a role here? If so, dump him.
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Without another long story, no, I do not think that is related at all.

Kyanimal said:
Now I'm wondering just how much "Push" the fiance has had in this mess. #-o
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If anything, I probably expected one from her more than him. I considered her a good close friend of mine as well. I can't think of any reason why she wouldn't want me there.


Junior42 said:
However, I must ask a follow up question. So the flight cost $350, but what about everything else? Would you need to rent a car, get a hotel room, does he have room for everyone to stay that goes? How many days would you need to be out there? Do you need to rent a tux? He may have thought the trip as a whole could get pricey, and not just the flight. That, and maybe he did not want to have to make several trips back and forth to the closest airport when Im guessing there are many other things on their mind around the time of the wedding.
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Yeah, he vaguely said something about that also. All I could wonder is, shouldn't I be at the top of that list? They're renting a house over there for friends to stay in so the room would be free. And the day before I believe he's paying for a bunch of friends to go to an amusement park.


Those that think I should just let it go, how do I do that? Maybe it shouldn't bother me but it does. I don't have a lot of other friends, but I basically considered this one a brother. To just ignore him and be petty back to him, also makes me feel horrible.
 
I think you should message him on facebook or email, and put your feeling on the issue out there, and say that you had hoped to be there for the wedding. See what he says in return. Don't miss your chance to get your feelings out there and then regret it, IMO
 
In the end you're going to have to let it go if you don't want this to drag you down, but it needs to be processed. If the friendship is to be continued you'll need to forgive him. It would be nice to know the real reason you weren't invited. Maybe it's my age and my life experience, but I smell homophobia on someone's part. Are all the other people sharing the house paired up? There has to be a reason other than the cost of the trip.

Work to get this settled so you can move on. Have you told them both that you're hurt?

Don't be vindictive when it comes to the gift, but don't be over the top. Even if the friendship doesn't go forward you do want to honor what it has meant to you.
 
Secondmonkey,

I would like to tell you that its totally normal that you feel very upset about the refusal of your friend to send you an invitation for his wedding.

Junior42 hit the nail: "However, because we were friends he wanted us to know that he wished we could be there, etc." (posting #23). That's how it works with people who are (good) friends of each other and where there is a marriage with alot of people.

I tend as well to agree with Seasoned that I smell something like homophobia, in particular because you don't have ruled out this possibility.

You told us in your last posting (#26): "Oh he knows I'm upset...I guess he doesn't really care..." I tend to think that this means that you are telling us that he is not anymore your (good) friend.

I would advise you to move on with your life and more or less stop with being friends with him. I even would like to advise you that you don't need to bother about giving him a wedding present. He seems not to care about you and about your well being. So why continue to behave like you are still friends with him while this seems not to be the case anymore?

Take care & good luck and feel free to react.
 
Seasoned said:
Are all the other people sharing the house paired up?
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I think his friends are, but hers aren't. Me being gay has never been an issue before, I don't know why it would be over there. If he didn't want his family to know, they wouldn't have to, and he knows I'm the last person you'd think was gay. It's not like I'm going to show up in a dress with a boyfriend. In fact I'd say he's the reason I've been able to come out to as many people as I have, he's told more people about it than I have. (A good example being his brother, who I also consider a friend) And, for that matter, his fiancee is bisexual.
 
I probably would have felt some type of way but if you didn't want to go anyway what's the big deal?

It could also be all his/her friends are coupled up and you're not but anyway if you really feel upset have a convo about it

But if you wasn't planning on going the. Why get butt hurt over an invite you had no intentions on going to, that's petty as hell
 
Homothug said:
I probably would have felt some type of way but if you didn't want to go anyway what's the big deal?
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It's the thought (or lack of it) that counts. If grandma can't afford to buy you a nice christmas present, you still send her a card right?

If he can't even bother to invite me then I guess I should assume I'm not a very important friend shouldn't I?
 
secondmonkey said:
..If he can't even bother to invite me then I guess I should assume I'm not a very important friend shouldn't I?
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Which is what it basically comes down to - though I think (even though I'VE been 25 for the last two decades unlike SOME people) Seasoned probably has a point.

You never know when the phobia is going to get up and bite your gay ass. People are funny about it. I have another friend who never had a problem with me, but can't deal with another gay guy he was friends with. You'd think that was personality driven, but they were good friends and roommates UNTIL he found out the guy was gay. Instead of being supportive, he freaked the fuck out and had a 'phobic episode.

When I brought my rightful wrath down on his head, his justification was 1. the guy was a liar, and 2, the gay guy had seen him naked. I've seen him naked at the gym a thousand times, but somehow it was unforgivable for the other guy to see him naked while being stealth gay.

What's the point of all this, the point is 'phobia can rear up in the unlikeliest of places sometimes. People are funny about weddings also sometimes and whatever the situation, you aren't being given a direct answer. If he's renting houses and paying for outings, come on, how hard would it have been to come up with $350.00 more to fly you out. I guarantee you the Amusement Park Tickets for everyone cost more than that.
 
secondmonkey said:
I think his friends are, but hers aren't. Me being gay has never been an issue before, I don't know why it would be over there. If he didn't want his family to know, they wouldn't have to, and he knows I'm the last person you'd think was gay. It's not like I'm going to show up in a dress with a boyfriend. In fact I'd say he's the reason I've been able to come out to as many people as I have, he's told more people about it than I have. (A good example being his brother, who I also consider a friend) And, for that matter, his fiancee is bisexual.
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(emphasis mine)

I've actually had straight friends with that kind of concern - they still invited me however, but then I live in Texas and that kind of stereotyping is still pretty common.
 
Something interesting happened tonight, and I don't know what to think even more now.

So I went to his bachelor party tonight. I was neither invited nor "not" invited...its a long story I don't want to get into. (He gets no points either plus or minus)

I didn't have a problem going to strip clubs with him, even though it's obviously of no interest for me. It was his night. Another acquaintance of his said something about "not going to one of those bars where those fags hang out". My friend got offended, stood up, and said "well Ryan is one of them so I guess that's where we're at now". This is right after the same guy bought me a drink not knowing I was one of those fags....

I joke about being a fag with my friend so I did not find what my friend said offensive at all. That is basically the attitude he has about me being gay. I've never in my life known anybody else that I can be 110% honest about everything and he will not care, and that is why I call him my best friend. When I first told him I was gay I made a big deal about it and his reaction was basically "that's it?".

So honestly I do think he still cares about me, but I also still think there is more to this I am not seeing/understanding. He is a very smart person and I just think the excuse I've been given is stupid - whether it's an excuse or whether it is genuine, it's stupid either way.
 
Have you point blank told him that you want to go to the wedding?
 
Junior42 said:
Have you point blank told him that you want to go to the wedding?
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Have I told him I want to go to the wedding? No, because that's not really true.
Have I told him I'm offended I didn't get invited? Yes, I used those words exactly.

Seems like at least a "sorry" is in order if it was an honest mistake, right?
 
Yes, if one of my best friend's did not invite me to a wedding, I would be upset. However, the fact that he did not have an issue with you going to the party, also stuck up for you when unpleasant comments were made, and claims that he did not invite you because he did not think you could afford the trip, it sounds like he has your best interests at heart actually. Maybe he did not go about it the right way, and he should have discussed it with you, but I think you need to say you want to go (and see his response) and if he says no, then he is a bit of a prick, but if you are not going to do that (because you actually DONT want to go) then I think you have to take him at his word, unless you have other reasons not to trust your best friend, that is was an unintentional misunderstanding.
 
Yeah, you absolutely not just are justified, but SHOULD be hurt by this, because it's a betrayal of friendship.

Also, I question the friendships people have if they think having this problem is "overacting".
 
Without spending an hour going into my personal finances, the money thing seems like less and less of a good reason now. I'm not going to tell him I want to go, that is basically inviting myself, and I wouldn't want to go under those circumstances. It's too late now anyway.

What it boils down for me is this:
If I was to ever have a wedding...not that it's really an option...he would be #1 on my guest list. Above my parents. And I don't know why I feel like that about somebody that wouldn't even think to ask me to go to his...
 
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