I know there are dozens of threads like this, but I need some advice. Three months ago, I found a guy that I was interested in. We started taking and we soon became boyfriends. We were happy together and I even began to love him. Fast forward to two days ago, he dumped me. He said that he didn't know if he loved me or if he loved the idea of having a boyfriend. I knew there was something more going on. Well, I talked to him last night and I found out what that was. He is still struggling with his sexuality. I thought we had this issue worked out, but I guess I'm wrong. He was raised as a conservative christian and is still religious. He said that whenever he thinks about being gay, he feels a black pit form in his heart and stomach. He just feels so off about it. To top it off, he is in the navy and I don't have to remind you about don't ask don't tell. Despite the fact that he dumped me, I still want to to help him. I just need some advice to get me started, to at least point me in the right direction. I did recommend that he join JUB. This place has provided me with a lot of help and support in the past and I hope the same will be rue for him. However, I still need to figure out how else I can help him work this out. Any ideas guys?
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yet another confused soul
- Thread starter vamp
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TrailRider86
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I guess I'm kind of on the other side of this one. I think I might have to break it off with a guy because I'm realizing i cant be in a relationship and not be out. For me, and maybe ur guy too, I want to just break it off before things get too deep and hurts too much later. The guy Ive been seeing a great guy and it makes me sick to thing I'll have to tell him that I cant do this anymore. So, if it helps he may have dumped you to protect you, or something like that. The best thing, I think, would be to talk to him. Tell him how you feel and listen to how he feels and see how you two fit together. Maybe you just have to redefine your relationship as just good friends or something. I hope this helps somewhat.
G-Lexington
Lex. Icon. Devil.
You've done pretty much all you can. If he wants help, he'll get it, and you've provided him with a few places he can get it. After that, it's pretty much going to be up to him.
Lex
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It will depend upon whether you can separate your feelings for him as a (ex)boyfriend from your feelings for him as a friend.
If you can get past the romantic feelings, then just be a supportive friend but understand that it is his responsibility to deal with his own sexuality. It is not your responsibility, nor will it every be.
Referring him to JUB is a good idea. Email him a link to this thread.
If you can get past the romantic feelings, then just be a supportive friend but understand that it is his responsibility to deal with his own sexuality. It is not your responsibility, nor will it every be.
Referring him to JUB is a good idea. Email him a link to this thread.
G-Lexington
Lex. Icon. Devil.
Cybering can stop by closing a window.
A boyfriend can't.
Lex
A boyfriend can't.
Lex
I know but it just hurt so much to see that, I guess I'm still tender after what happened.
I hate to see you in pain like this. I know sometimes you want to give up on this, that you want stop being gay, but that's not the answer. This is an issue you need to work through and you want me to, I'll do what I can to help.
Any advice that other jubbers could give us would be appreciated. Navyhusky and I have worked things out and we're friends. I've forgiven him for that cybering this. I'm ok with being his friend, even though I stil have feelings for him. I just wnat him to come out of his troubles a better and stronger person.
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Well, welcome to JUB. Congrats on your first post.
You've got two issues here- how the Christian church feels about homosexuals and how you feel about yourself.
Understand that the teaching that "being gay is wrong" is part of a whole bunch of stuff that you were told in church that has absolutely nothing to do with being a Christian. Part of the coming out process is to undo a lot of the bogus stuff that you were told in church that has no basis in the teachings of Christ.
There's a couple of ways you can approach this and it largely depends on your beliefs and how you approach your faith.
For those who have an emotional investment in their faith and wish to continue to be Christian, attending a more gay friendly church helps. What you will find as you study more is that a lot of the stuff that you were told in church growing up was crap. It's stuff that was made up and has little to do with true christian teaching. And in a gay-friendly church, you will find a lot of other guys just like you, who have been through what you have been through and they will be a great support system as you work through this.
On the other hand, if you are the type who is more rational about your faith, there are several books out there that analyze the teaching of Christian churches and explain how these teaching got added to the religion. Most people are surprised to learn things like the fact that the early Christian church believed all of its members should be single and celibate, for example. Finally, someone figured out that being celibate doesn't do much for fund-raising and keeping a church going across several generations. And it's no coincidence that the church frowns upon any sex that doesn't produce future christians.
As for dealing with your own, non-religious issues about being gay that's a little more challenging. Certainly, undoing the religious dogma that you were fed as a child will help. But you also have some work to do in accepting yourself and loving yourself as the person that you are. It takes time. But you've taken some big steps already by admitting that you're gay and that you want to be with a man. Give yourself lots of credit for that because it is a difficult thing for many guys to do- some never get that far.
G-Lexington
Lex. Icon. Devil.
Welcome to JUB! 
The thing is - I was raised a Christian all my life, too. Catholic, in fact. But I'd like to think I was raised Christian the correct way. The kind of Christian that cares for others, and wants to help. The kind of Christian that, when he found out he was gay, let his parents know, because he instinctively knew they'd be supportive. The kind of Christian whose parents introduce his partner to their friends as "Lex's partner".
The voice that tells you can't love God and guys is wrong.
There are plenty of gay-friendly churches out there. Join one. And start getting to know more gay people. Not biblically, but casually. You'll soon come to grips with the fact that gays are just guys who dig guys, that's all. It doesn't exempt them from being Christian, from being good, from being bad, from being human. We're just people.
Lex
The thing is - I was raised a Christian all my life, too. Catholic, in fact. But I'd like to think I was raised Christian the correct way. The kind of Christian that cares for others, and wants to help. The kind of Christian that, when he found out he was gay, let his parents know, because he instinctively knew they'd be supportive. The kind of Christian whose parents introduce his partner to their friends as "Lex's partner".
The voice that tells you can't love God and guys is wrong.
There are plenty of gay-friendly churches out there. Join one. And start getting to know more gay people. Not biblically, but casually. You'll soon come to grips with the fact that gays are just guys who dig guys, that's all. It doesn't exempt them from being Christian, from being good, from being bad, from being human. We're just people.
Lex
I too am a person of deep faith and was raised a Christian in the Catholic Church and I still attend church and take part in all activities and even am a lay minister. I guess I should also say that I have just started coming out of the closet as well and if you read my other posts you will know where I was in my life. However, me being gay and me being a follower of Christ are totally compatible. Read through the teachings of Christ, the four gospels that were put into the Bible and spend time there reading His teachings. All that He talks about is love, understanding, compassion, forgiveness, and helping your fellow man. No where in there does it talk about judging others, what is right and what is wrong, and how certain people just weren't good enough.
Religion is made by man, for the benefit of a select few men, and for the furtherance of mans vested interests in what religion does. Religion was not given to us by Christ or by God or by anyone else.
Faith on the other hand, faith in God, faith in Christ, and faith in ourselves was given to us by Christ at our birth.
If you are a true follower of Christ, remember what where He went to in the cities and towns, what part of town He visited in, who were the people He healed, and who did He throw out of the synagouge. Christ didn't go to the high and mighty, the rich, the well to do, the well connected instead He chose to go the poor, the oppressed, the sick, the downtrodden and those were the people He ministered too. I would like to think that back then a few of those who were thrown aside and looked down upon were gay and lesbian people, transgendered people, and curious people as well.
You can still be a Christian and be gay. You can still love Christ and be gay. You can still follow Christ's teachings and be gay. Your faith was given to you by Christ because He loved you and He wanted you to do something with it. You can show everyone else that you can be a good Christian, love Jesus Christ, and be a follower of Him by your actions, your deeds, and how you live your life.
I know this has to be hard on you. I know you are tormented and torn. One thing that you need to do also is to spend some time alone, in thought and prayer with Christ and ask Him to help you work through this. You will be surprised at what He tells you to do!!!!!
Religion is made by man, for the benefit of a select few men, and for the furtherance of mans vested interests in what religion does. Religion was not given to us by Christ or by God or by anyone else.
Faith on the other hand, faith in God, faith in Christ, and faith in ourselves was given to us by Christ at our birth.
If you are a true follower of Christ, remember what where He went to in the cities and towns, what part of town He visited in, who were the people He healed, and who did He throw out of the synagouge. Christ didn't go to the high and mighty, the rich, the well to do, the well connected instead He chose to go the poor, the oppressed, the sick, the downtrodden and those were the people He ministered too. I would like to think that back then a few of those who were thrown aside and looked down upon were gay and lesbian people, transgendered people, and curious people as well.
You can still be a Christian and be gay. You can still love Christ and be gay. You can still follow Christ's teachings and be gay. Your faith was given to you by Christ because He loved you and He wanted you to do something with it. You can show everyone else that you can be a good Christian, love Jesus Christ, and be a follower of Him by your actions, your deeds, and how you live your life.
I know this has to be hard on you. I know you are tormented and torn. One thing that you need to do also is to spend some time alone, in thought and prayer with Christ and ask Him to help you work through this. You will be surprised at what He tells you to do!!!!!
BINOWGAYLATER
Do that 2 me 1 more time
indeed, what he said makes a lot of sense..
when i was a kid -- it was a SIN to BEAT OFF !! Now SERIOUSLY FOLKS ! Am i going to hell for wanking my willie - it's gonna be awfully crowded there in that case !! gee, maybe it was such a sin - because the priests wanted to do it for me eh? ok - nevermind..
you are who you are - GOD Made you - and as the bumpersticker says
GOD DON'T MAKE JUNK !! So you are no less "important' or valued because you are gay. or something else. not that you need a label --
Be yourself - NOBODY -- and certainly no RELIGION can tell you you're doing that WRONG !! AND BTW- your HARD COCK is telling you something -- that' cannot be denied - those are youre genes talking - and dripping - - and that isn't gonna go away - and you can't make it stop .. why would you want to - you don't have to --
you can be your own Christian - it's far better than those hypocites who go to an organized religion (church) every sunday - and put on a good show for the neighbors and then go home are are fucking selfish bastards the rest of the week.. they only wanna be christian when somebody is looking... the REAL christian are good people even when NOBODY is watching.. You seem like the kind of guy that would do something nice for someone - and they would never know you were responsible for it -- That's the nicest gift. and that's far more Christian than a lot of people ever are.
BINOWGAYLATER
Do that 2 me 1 more time
good good - now send nude pics -and the cat will be returned unharmed.
You seem to think it's your body that is attracted to men. That may be true, but your heart is attracted as well. And it's that same heart that is with God. I know it's difficult to think that those can coexist, but they can. And they do in you and in a lot of people.
If you still have feelings for the OP, I say go for it. I think it's great to remain spiritual and go to church. There are religious people that tolerate gays more than others. Talk to them about your faith too.
If you still have feelings for the OP, I say go for it. I think it's great to remain spiritual and go to church. There are religious people that tolerate gays more than others. Talk to them about your faith too.
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What an amazing thread.
Best wishes to NavyHusky and Vamp and any others who find themselves in similar situations.
I would especially "second" the post by KaraBulut, and I thought Scooter63 had some excellent stuff to say as well.
Pray for integrity. Pray for help with your feelings of shame. Try to figure out the difference between what God wants you to do and what people want you to do. That "black pit" you feel may have very very little to do with God, and a great deal to do with people who put it there.
Best wishes to NavyHusky and Vamp and any others who find themselves in similar situations.
I would especially "second" the post by KaraBulut, and I thought Scooter63 had some excellent stuff to say as well.
Pray for integrity. Pray for help with your feelings of shame. Try to figure out the difference between what God wants you to do and what people want you to do. That "black pit" you feel may have very very little to do with God, and a great deal to do with people who put it there.
I want to thank you all for showing support to NavyHusky and I, ti mean a lot to both of us. I have talked to Navyhusky last night and he is feeling a lot better. he is still conflicted but he is making slow progress.
I had to give up organized religion. It's a self serving business and business is money. Not too hard to give it up nowadays with our knowldedge of rampant clergy sexual abuses and cover ups. I still have faith in God and feel comfortable with my private prayers. I don't think God would give me that comfort if he didn't love and accept me.