A Hairy Gnome Companion: Lawn Decorum And Vacuum Tales

[ShihTzuTylenol]

_______________________________________
Captain's Log, Supplemental 20.092.01.05:47

I have bad news about the cornnut plan. It didn't work.

The creature was indeed lured by the cornnuts, as expected. It sped to the dish, consumed the bait, and sped off without setting off the trap.
Mr.East is as puzzled as I, and has begun tests to discover the flaw in our design. I have sent out three search parties to see if we can box the creature in, one headed by Lt. Cummander Lik Mai Assmaan, one by Ensign Basil Toliver, and one by our Sociologist, Dr.... I forget his name Zillon maybe? Dr.Gilligan Zillon? /he'll e-mail me today I think.

OH SHIT!

Mr.East has inadvertently triggered the trapping devise and I have a crew peeling the stubornium foil off him now.

The creature has now made this personal.

 

[EJMichaels]

I'm loving your Star Trek pieces - please don't stop!

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

I'm loving your Star Trek pieces - please don't stop!

Feel free to join the crew EJ, you're a creative soul. We have to catch that Alien Life Form[a.k.a.Alf]!


Captain's Log, Stardate 20.092.0102:27


Dr. Zyllon has beamed down with a hypo containing a mixture of kyranide, tri-ox compound, Scalosian concentrate, a theragram derivative, and some other stuff he found in Sickbay.
By injecting a small amount into each member of the landing parties, I hope to be able to deal with this creature on its own high speed terms.

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

Captain's Log, Supplimental20.092.0102:34

UPDATE:
The latest experiment to deal with the strange creature has failed. As Gilligan [Dr.Zyllon] was injecting a measured dose of the compound, that damned thing abruptly appeared behind him and uttered a loud BEEP, BEEP!
The good Dr, understandably flustered, accidentally injected the entire contents of the hypo into his arm.
We have a full security team in pursuit of him, but I'm afraid we may have to wait for the effects of the drug to wear off. Hang in there little buddy!
Poor Gilligan.

 

[DonQuixote]

First Officer's Log, Stardate 20.092.01.05:22

Lt. Cummander Lik Mai Assmaan reporting.

I have taken Ensign E. Jack Ulate with me on a reconnaisance mission to the East side of our landing sight in the hopes that we can locate Dr. Gilligan and provide some back up support and protection from possible indigenous predators, while he is in his excited state.

My Tricorder detected a different life force signature in the area. Closely surveying the area with our digitally enhanced binocular has revealed a most interesting life form. It looks similar to an Earth Canis latrans, found in the desert areas of what was the American Southwest. This species appears to be much more intelligent - craftily stalking the scent trail of something.

Wait, there it is - that damned infernal creature is standing there, quietly eating.

Why, it looks like, can it be? Yes, I believe it is - something Very similar to Geococcyx californianus. That is consistent with the "Beep Beep" noise.

I am logging the Canis latrans appearing alien species as Willis E(recticus) Coyoticus, and the Geococcyx californianus appearing alien species as Avian Paseus Fluidus.

We are building a makeshift camp, so we can continue to observe these animals, and also keep an eye out for Dr. Gilligan.

 

[DonQuixote]

First Officer's Log, Stardate 20.092.01.05:28 Supplemental

Lt. Cummander Lik Mai Assmaan reporting.

The Willis E(recticus) Coyoticus, and the Geococcyx californianus appear to have an almost nonchalant awareness of each other. Roadie, as Ensign E. Jack Ulate has come to call him, seems unaffected by Wiley's (also E. Jack Ulate's nickname for the Coyoticus) nearness and scheming demeanor.

We checked in with the Captain - he had to return to the ship and Sick Bay, following the unfortunate incident earlier in the day.

We are keeping an eye out for Dr. Gilligan; the area we are in is almost like an island, surrounded by either water or mountains on all sides.

The night continues to remain warm, In an effort to keep cool, and our uniforms a bit "fresher", as well as make visible flags to attract Dr. Gilligan, I have ordered Ensign Jack to disrobe and hang his clothes from nearby branches, where they may air out. I am similarly disrobing and hanging my clothes in a like fashion.

I have instructed the Ensign to get comfortable, and try and get some R&R, while I take the first watch. There isn't a lot going on out there, but the Ensign has certainly provided a welcome distraction from the otherwise monotonous view. I will have to inspect things a bit more closely, later.

 

[Lefty]

thunderous rumbles....shaking of the grounds....flames shooting from the

very bowels of this foreign terrain. The very skies blacken with the rage

and bile of Lefticus Lordovery'allouhyah. A scarletted tinge seeps into the

dew bespoken leaves of the Pillars of Hope trees and the weed protectant

covers of their Virgin limbs.

The lord speaks...What misbegotten children of hell, what anatomically

challenged Children of Priapus dare to tramp among the vintage where

my Grapes of Wrath and Lust are stored. Suddenly the very skies opened

and a host of extravagantly endowed wraiths appeared and distributed the

foreskin copies of the TEN COMMANDMENTSand instructing the 'in the way'

party to GRAB THEIR ANKLES, FALL TO THEIR KNEES AND OFFER UP FEALTY

to his ultimaticus invicibicus hung beyond all belief, his lordship and Saviour

of myriad Universes the one the only Master of Fornication Art and Practice..


His Lordliest of Lords the One

LORD LEFTFISTICUS

 

[DonQuixote]

First Officer's Log, Stardate 20.092.01.05:39 Supplemental

Lt. Cummander Lik Mai Assmaan reporting.

All has been quiet in our encampment and surrounding areas.

Roadie appears to have disappeared around the corner of the closest mountain and retired to his nest in some small crevice in the mountainside. We occasionally hear his faint "Beep Beep" of a snore.

Similarly, Wiley appears to have slunk off down the ravine to lower ground, closer to the water, in search of easier prey.

Both are ignoring Ensign E. Jack Ulate and me while we rest and relax.
Jack is asleep, soundly, his body responding to the soft, warm grasses and ground underneath his naked form. In his sleep, his prostate is working well, closing his urinary tract with the usual penile engorgement that accompanies such motor activities. The Ensign is in top form, and a prime humanoid specimen, a tribute to Star Fleet Cummand.

His particular species is known for their vitality and stamina; his sleeping form reflects that fact ~ it is truly a magnificent sight to behold.

I would like to explore his anatomical form, and becum more intimately familiar with the species.

What was that? A flash over to the side of the meadow, near some scrub brushes. Oh, there are more. What is that? LOL, why it's an indigenous species of Lightning Bugs. It must be the time of night when they come out to attract mates. Look, over there - be careful little Lightning Bugs - there are some hungry looking birds that appear to be attracted to your light - wow, what a skirmish between the birds and the Lightning bugs.

What's that smell? Eeeeew, NASTY. Worse than being downwind of a sheep farm across the way from the pig farm. The Lightning Bugs appear to have developed some mighty strong defenses against those birds.

The birds are falling to the ground against the smell, and the lightning bugs appear to be spraying some compound on them.

The life on this planet certainly has evolved in strange ways.
The compound the bugs are spraying on the birds appears to temporarily paralyze the birds, allowing the bugs to implant their seed inside the birds reproductive cavity.

The odor is dissipating, but the pheromonal qualities of the air seem to have stimulated Ensign E. Jack Ulate ~ his magnificent manhood is even more erect now than it was, and it has started to throb, a heady, PULSING, beat, while he moans in his sleep. I, too, feel myself affected by the pheromones. I MUST have him. I MUST. My loins ache, my sphincter is spasming at the thought of what awaits me. I feel my inside becoming moist, looser, welcuming.

I walk over to Jack, and position myself astride his magnificence.
I lower myself down onto his form, I press against him, pushing as though I have to take a dump, to open myself to his proud projectile.

. End of Log .

 

[Lefty]

These birthlings are truly a lower life form. They are poor communicators at

best and are only capable of communicating on the most mundane of levels

vocally. All social and historical of chronology as well as all life creation data has

to be spread one on one via front tubes to back orifices. The tubes appear to be

in the alerted males 1/3 the size of a juvenile leftfisticant and the storage tanks

mounted below appear inferior and easily depleted. The lord has directed one

of the more physio/mento challanged of our crossbreeds ( the one they tried to

poison with the brown crunchy zaltenicksstuff) to slow and penetrate.

His lord wants detailed chronologies of EnsignifigNT E. Jaculate and Premature

Cummonderette Asscanman. His excelleent seeded one has serious misgivings

as to the value of the drugged out BarBituAte Dr or the rumoured but unseen

head colander cummonman Captain.

LEFTFISTICUS has expressed some interest in the quadruped known simply as Archie the Bald of

Tyre.......

more to follow as information cums in.

 

[DonQuixote]

First Officer's Personal Log, Stardate 20.092.01.05:57

Lt. Cummander Lik Mai Assmaan reporting.

The Phereomones projected by the indigenous Lightning Bugs were a powerful aphrodisiac. Ensign E. Jack Ulate woke up during the cloud dust of sexual frenzy triggered by the pheromones. Moan is right. We were both moaning uncontrollably, and his manhood, deep inside me, grew within me, sealing our union like dogs coupling. I could not have moved from our union if I had wanted to, and the sensation, enhanced by the pheromones, meant that the LAST thing I wanted to do was even try. E. Jack took over from under me, thrusting deeper and deeper into me. As he was moaning, he asked me to call him Michaels, an old, family name meaning Twin, for that is what coupling is to his species - twinning - becuming one being, split into two corporeal entities at the conclusion of the union.

His pre-cum triggered a change in my biochemistry. I started generating lubricating fluid that coated his member, and slowly oozed down over his scrotum, also creating a change in his skin chemistry - my fluids seemed to penetrate his skin, blending with him.

His climactic eruption inside me was an experience like none I have ever had. His essence, propelled by his semen, inside his seed, planted inside me and worked its way inside my cellular walls, truly bonding our bodies together.
Each merging of seed to cell triggered its own mini-orgasmic experience between us.

After three hours of being joined, and our bodies absorbing each other's essence, we finally came down from our union, and were able to separate.

As the lust cloud that had been triggered by the pheromones, and augmented by the chemical interplay of our bodies, subsided, I became aware of the need to check our surroundings for our own security, as well as any traces of Dr. Gilligan.

I looked to where the Lightning Bugs and birds had been. The birds were gone, but a few of the lightning bugs remained. They were hovering in the distance, seemingly taken an appraisal of Ensign "Michaels" and me.

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

Captain's Log, Stardate 20.092.0108:29

Mr. Lulu has located a cache of ACME dilithium fuel crystals atop a high cliff. Regretfully, while collecting them, the edge of the cliff cracked and then broke off, and he plummeted several hundred feet to the ground below.

Strangely enough, he survived the fall with no more than raising a cloud of dust on impact, although he did pass the giant chunk of rock on the way down and end up completely buried. Luckily the knot that grew on Lulu's head cleared a good portion of the debris away.

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

Captain's Log, Supplemental:

This is a warning to all starships in the solar federation that may pass this way. Do not approach this planet! Repeat: Do not approach this planet!

The illogical events occurring here are too much to overcome with simple science. If you have heard the events transcribed in the rest of this log, you will learn that this creature is indestructible.

We channeled full ship's power through the faser banks. Theoretically, the creature should have been destroyed; however, the energies were too much strain for the ACME crystals we installed. The full force of the fasers caused a backlash over the Splinterprose, engulfing her completely.

At first, the only noticeable effect was a complete failure of all systems save emergency gravity and life support. Then a web of black lines spread throughout the Splinterprose's superstructure. Next, the ship began breaking up, piece by piece, falling through the atmosphere and landing on the surface of the planet.

When the ship had collapsed entirely, my crew was left hanging in space for a short time, and finally, one by one each of us began to fall to the planet below. We have no theories on how any of us survived, but every crewman has reported nothing more than a sense of uneasiness, followed by the realization that they were several hundred miles up in the air, a sinking sensation, and then a gradual drop: first the feet, knees, thighs, then the body, and finally the head was dragged down, usually wearing a resigned expression of perplexity.

We are attempting now to communicate with the creature in the hopes that it will prove intelligent. Perhaps we can communicate our peaceful intentions to it. Mr.Cock has constructed a crude rocket from the wreckage of the ship, and we are currently strapping it to his back so that when the alien comes we can fire the rocket so Mr.Cock can chase it down.

Captain Shih Tzu Tiberious Tylenol from the debris of the United Solar Federation of Planets Starship Slinterprose...signing off.

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

**curtain call**

I want to thank our brilliant performers, Don Q and Lefty

give em a big hand! **clapping**

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

I'd like to invite everyone to our next production of Neil Simon's classic the Odd Couple and Scoobie Doo...

 

[Lefty]

Ingest them my people....Ingest them quickly....They are of

small and relative insignificance but the molecular structure

may give you a moment of sexual release and a new generation

of workers for us all/


So Commands the

RIGHT and the SUPREME

LORD LEFTFISTICUS

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

and the meek shall inherit the thread...

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGROp5a2sUg&feature=related"]Lord Lefticus has taken over[/ame]

he has assumed control
He has assumed control
HE HAS ASSUMED CONTROL!

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

Throbs of Hades, lit by flickering torchlight
The netherworld is gathered in the glare
Prince Left-Fist takes the cavern to the north light
The sign of Sodomite is rising in the air

Left-Fist, knight of darkness
Centurion of ButtSecks, the devil's third eye

Across the River Styx, out of the lamplight
His nemesis is waiting at the gate
The Snow Don of Cue glowing in the damp night
Coal-black eyes shimmering with hate

Left-Fist and the Snow Don
Square for battle, let the fray begin

The battle's over and the dust is clearing
Disciples of the Snow Don sound the knell
Rejoicing echoes as the dawn is nearing
Left-Fist, in defeat, retreats to Hell

Snow Don is victorious
The land of the Overworld is saved again...



or is it?

[to be continued]
​

 

[DonQuixote]

Ingest them my people....Ingest them quickly....They are of small and relative insignificance but the molecular structure may give you a moment of sexual release and a new generation of workers for us all/

So Commands the RIGHT and the SUPREME LORD
LEFTFISTICUS

Well, This certainly brings new meaning to getting eaten.
Damn.

 

[DonQuixote]

Oh, DAMN. TWO Major Faux Pas on my part.

In my earnest to include Ensign EJ - I neglected to check the Gender tag on HER profile! I could have made a very steamy scene turning that around, too! 1000 apologies, ma'am. I wanted you to feel a part of the camaraderie and fun.

And, I oopsed on what "Michael" means - it is a question of another sort. I was trying to tie the whole name in.

I'll have to be more careful in my zeal, next time.

Off to Lefty's for the 20 lashes with the wet noodle - No not THAT one!

 

[EJMichaels]

Feel free to join the crew EJ, you're a creative soul. ....

Thanks! And I appreciate the invitation.

... In my earnest to include Ensign EJ - I neglected to check the Gender tag on HER profile! I could have made a very steamy scene turning that around, too! 1000 apologies, ma'am. I wanted you to feel a part of the camaraderie and fun.

No problem! I like it better this way. I'm rather flexible about those things. Actually, I'd rather be just "one of the guys" (no, not in the gender dysphoria sort of way). I finally get to have some fun with the guys without being "The girl"! Anyway, EJMichaels is three guys, none of them me. (Did you read my story?)

I'm having a great time reading all of the posts. Sorry, nothing to contribute now. Maybe that's why I'm just an ensign.