Hey, life is what you make of it..
I'm gay (and also black) and made the universe work for me. The author of that article is stuck in a cycle of victimhood.
1. I'm openly gay at work and haven't been mistreated or discriminated at all (though I get snarky but harmless comments from one of the guys every now and then). I find that the office ladies actually like me more and find me more relatable compared to when I was in the closet. I think I actually have an advantage since the white folks supposedly find gay black men a little less threatening than straight ones.
2. I'm not involved in the gay community and have zero desire to be. I will agree that the gay community is messy, shady and high-drama but there's plenty of effeminate gay men with THRIVING social lives in the gay community. Based on my experience living between Manhattan and Fire Island, fems actually seem to be the ones that thrive the most in the gay community social circles.
3. Kids... I can really care less about parenting and paying any-high family health insurance premiums. Personally: I rather save my money, travel the world and stack up my retirement accounts.
4. I agree that most family act funny but usually there's at least a couple of relatives who are ride or die for you. Plus, my boyfriend and I are both established and independent so we don't have to rely on anybody. If they don't like us them they can screw themselves. Simple as that! As the saying goes, I have blood that's not family and family that's not blood.
5. I found a quality and loving boyfriend (who happens to be cute too). None of us are macho. We've been together for almost 2 years and are going strong!
6. How is it hard for gay men to go on vacation? Most of the homophobic countries in the world are shitholes and aren't worth visiting anyways; there are so many beautiful and tolerant countries worth spending your tourism dollars in. Even if you wanted to visit those craphole places then you'll probably be fine as long as you don't put your homosexuality on display.
7. I don't feel the need to make out and hold hands in public but I live in New York where people really don't care anyways (so I guess I'm lucky). I've held hands in public and I've rarely had anyone so much as bat an eye here in NY; tons of more taboo things going on in the city lol.
I already made a better post to reply to yours late last night, but my internet went out, so all those points I made are now gone. But I'm gonna try my best to carbon copy that post the best way I can.
1.I'm glad that you were able to find a safe workplace. I'm not working right now, I'm looking for work. When I do start to work again, I would hopefully like to be in a safe space to work at. So I'm proud of you for that.
Now with your second point that gay black men are less threatening. Perhaps they are, but not necessarily for the reasons you think, and I used to think.
I used to think that it's because gay black men are usually more contemporary and professional than straight black men are. They are more involved with the arts and I think many heteronormative black men get this bad image and rep that they shouldn't sadly.
Really to be honest, that's an assumed trait for any man presumed to be gay or is gay. He's more seen in a lighter shade than straight men in that regard as far as intimidation goes.
However, there is also a flip side to that. You are not seen as a threat yes, which there is pros to that. But there are more cons to that as well. You won't be seen as tough competition. "Oh he's just that bubbly gay black guy. I'm not scared of him. He's just confused and free spirited. It's okay." etc.
So I have to disagree with you on that.
2. I don't involve myself in the queer community really either. But even if I wanted to, which I attempt to, I cannot. They just do not like me, and I don't mix or match up with them all that well. I feel I'm too black and ghetto for the white queer community and events. I feel I'm too whitewashed and hipster for the black gay urban events they have.
So it's hard. Even though I identify as a feminine gay man, I don't want to only hang out with feminine gay men. I want to hang out with all types of gay men. Especially as I'm more attracted to more bear and chub guys. That's just me.
There is nothing wrong with feminine men, and I wouldn't mind hanging out with feminine men, but I want to hang out with all types of gay men.
So it would be nice to still be apart of the community.
3.I don't really want children either. As much as I love and respect children, I don't think I'm really father material and I could raise any of my own. But it's the fact even if I wanted children, I couldn't have any. Yes there is adoption and other advancements in technology that are still being developed, but. It's the fact my bloodline is going to stop with me. I don't have any younger siblings, so I feel this is the end of the tree with me. It's sort of hard to realize that but oh well.
Which is why I kinda want a boyfriend, as at least I will have him.
4.I do believe that you can have a group of friends that become your second family. But nothing beats a biological family that is your own sweat and blood. Being black and gay knowing that sadly your family doesn't accept you sometimes, it's tough.
Like you see in sitcoms and they all support each other, and the kind you see in movies and stuff where everyone is having thanksgiving and holiday dinners and stuff. Like you see in Modern Family and shit like that.
I am also that you found a partner. I am. But I'm alone. It's just me. So that's why most of my lamenting is due to the fact I am single, and feel despite my efforts which in tandem is due to being black and gay, it's hard for me to get what I want.
I feel yeah you can have a group of friends to makeup for that, but really nothing beats that.
5.That's nice. I am more attracted to masculine looking men, but that's just me. There is nothing wrong with feminine men. I wouldn't mind having feminine gay guys (and I have had them in the past) as friends. Being that I am a dorky Steve Urkel looking man, I feel like opposites attract in some cases. I am more attracted to guys opposite of me. The more thicker and stocky roughneck bear guys. Like teddy bear Fred Flintstone types. But he also has a Barney Rubble side to him as well, and still have a geeky or dorky and urban side to them. Like Rupert from Survivor if you want to keep it 100. Shit like that.
I am happy that you were able to find someone though. I am.
6.I agree. I feel the vacation point is kinda dismissive thinking about it now. True, you can just not show PDA and make it blatantly obvious you're a homosexual couple. So yes I agree with you on that.
But it still is something that really only us queer people have to deal with. So albeit it's a dismissive issue, it's still an issue.
7.I have nothing against PDA. The only thing I'm against is making out in public. In a club or something, that's okay though.
I have no problem with hand holding, maybe that creep hug that some guys to their girl if they are queing in a line or something, a quick peck or kiss, a girl sitting on her partners lap on a bench. A girl leaping onto her mans arms. A guy carrying his girl and flinging and twirling her around his back etc.
I think neither do most people.
Now with making out and feeling up on each other in public, I don't think is okay, and kinda pushing it.
In a nightclub or whatever. I don't mind. They can grind makeout, do whatever they want to do.
But with gay people, even two guys walking together is seen as suspect, and I don't like that shit. How society perceives stuff like that.
Shit like that, that I notice for gay men they can't do sorts of things like that at all. So it's more harsher for us. That's my only point.
I know Los Angeles is supposedly a more open minded place, but still. It's better to be safe than sorry.
I feel I would love for me any my hypothetical boyfriend to get high at the beach at night and just play in the sand. We can just say were friends and not a couple if people want to start shit.
