Confused

[provenlogic]

Well i disagree with ALL OF YOU. You're preaching from a touchy feely utopian psycho babble fantasy ideal of how people need to deal with things, and i am of the firm belief you're preaching pure BS. This isn't fantasy land, and the truth can sometimes sting and bite you in the ass. So i'll quote Carl Sagan and be done, Jordan can follow whatever advice he wishes, but i guarantee you, whether it's tomorrow or next year, he's not going to find out what he wants until he acts on his feelings and experiments somehow.

"It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring."
-- Carl Sagan

 

[3nipples]

News flash, provenlogic. Jordan has been doing lots and lots of experimenting with his sexuality... and he already has a pretty good idea where his sexuality is pointing.

Today he needs to sort himself out. The universe will still be there tomorrow when he's ready to grasp it.

 

[Kulindahr]

Proven, given that some people here agree with some of what's in your post, I don't think you disagree with all of us!

Experimenting -- good. Meaning "sex" by that word -- bad. Experimenting might go that far, but for exploring your preference/inclination, it doesn't have to.

 

[mexamor]

Exploring who we are is very important. You don't need to have sex to explore your sexuality, sorry. that is as proven fact as anything. Psychobable is a term coined by Rush Limbaugh, I am suprised you would use it. Feelings are an important part of who we are. Ignoring your feelings and emotions is harmful to our wellbeing. the physical is not the only part of us, contrary to some popular belief. Jordan has more than one impulse within him. He likes men, he loves his ex GF, he loves having a son, he thinks the male body is very sexy, but he also thinks his GF is sexy (that is if I have read everything here correctly) so there is a lot to sort out. He needs to take his time. There is no need to rush anything. What ever decision he makes will be difficult and he will be losing something, giving something up. It takes time to decide what you want to give up. I don't see any need to be self-righteous.

 

[Kulindahr]

Point of information: "psycho-babble" predates Limbaugh. His show went national in '88, and I remember hearing the term as far back as '83. He probably popularized it, though; the context in which I heard it was upper-level courses at a college.

I recommedn to Jordan another bit of psychological wisdom, this one from a movie: What About Bob? :

BABY STEPS


Oh -- and get your babe some flowers or something, and tell her she was right; you need a little time to figure some things out.

 

[mexamor]

Thanks Kulindahr, I stand corrected. The first time I heard it was overhearing a broadcast with Rush in 88 or 89 and I had never heard it before. And the flowers are a great touch.

 

[tallguy297]

To be honest guys, what Jordan probably needs right now is emotional support - the chance to find his feet, let things settle a little and let some of the raw emotion of the last few months die down. Right now a calming steading influence and a place of support and acceptance no matter who or what he is, is the most important thing. Somewhere where he can vent or lean on. Thats what JUB is all about...not about whos right or wrong or who can give the best advice.



Jordan, to me your own happiness here is paramount. Whats happened has happened. You need to regroup and take one step at a time. One issue at a time.

Please be honest with yourself and your therapist. We dont care how gay you are, how confused you are or how screwed up you think you are. Thats not who we see. We see a guy who has incredible value and compassion. An enormous ability to love and protect...thats why this thread is as huge as it is. We care for you mate. Its time for you to do that with yourself.

Its time for you to get yourself right...physically first and then emotionally. Get back on your meds and give yourself a chance to recover. You've faced some huge hurdles lately and that would take a huge toll mate. And it doesnt help you to keep perspective on the rest of your life when you are physically spent.

Your son is so important to you...thats really obvious. And so is his mum, at least at an emotional level. You are a deep caring and compassionate guy. Your actions have always been of someone putting others first...thats something thats always been so inspiring in your story till now. So dont panic about presents and trivial stuff....a fathers true love for his son and his ability to be there for him is far more important than something he'll never remember you got him.

Your relationship with your ex will get better. Right now she feels rejected and hurt...neither of which are your fault. I really believe that she hoped and prayed that you would change when the baby was born and when that didnt happen she feels she was wrong and hurt by it. Thats not your doing. Your ability to love and be a good father was never in doubt here but she confused that with your sexuality. Thats not your fault.

You just need to give it some time. Let her hurt fade...let her see how good a father you are...and how much support she can get from you in any way. She will soon enough understand that shes the innocent victim here...and both of you have proven that youre intelligent articulate adults who can work their way through issues. This is just another one Jordan.

Get to a point where you are happy with your ability to be a father given the circumstances right now. You owe that to yourself ...and your son.

As for your sexuality... well mate...it doesnt matter right now. You dont have to rush this...whats going to change if you do? Nothing thats happened will be altered by you forcing yourself to a conclusion regarding your sexuality. Rushing out and having wild sex or looking for a relationship because you think thats what you have to do is only going to confuse you more.

Put the pieces of your life back in place one at a time mate. Dont try and do the whole puzzle at once.

Your happiness and your own well being are the most critical thing. Thats the thing that gives you the platform to deal with the rest of this. You ARE an amazing guy. You've got guts and determination. Love and compassion. Respect and the ability to protect and care. Be proud of those things. They are you...the real you regardless of who you sleep with. You are worth happiness in your life. You deserve happiness in your life.

Let yourself be happy mate. Take one puzzle piece at a time..and the rest will fall into place.

And when you're ready, well all be here to do what we can to help you on the rest of your journey.

Good luck Jordan!

 

[mexamor]

Great post tallguy, I couldn't put it any better. I'm sorry if I have deviated from your main thesis. I agree with this Jordan and in my faulty way have tried to say the same thing. Time is hard to endure and that's for sure. I want you to know that I am with you and my thoughts are with you.

 

[axeman_jordan]

Wow, guess its been a lil while since my last post, sorry guys, I just had a lot going with the holidays and stuff. All in all the holidays were rough but not as bad as i thought they might be. I got to spend alot of time with Hunter and my parents and family but seemed to really miss my girlfriend. But i guess that is just part of life that i have to deal with. New Years weekend my friends were tired of seeing me mope around and took me to Chicago for the weekend and as much as i hate to say it I did have a good time. But thats not why i am posting again, I was talking to a few of my friends lately and for some reason we were talking about my old highschool days and my old soccer coach was mentioned. This is a guy that was like a best friend to me and helped me alot after i was diagnosed with ms. Whenever i was down or upset he always knew how to pick me up. And i was telling them how i was always afraid the other kids would find out that i had MS and think differently of me. And whenever i would ask my coach if they knew he would always say " Jordan does your MS affect you or them?" and i would say just me i guess. And he would say then quit worrying about it. My old soccer coach as since passed away. But it was really weird cause i went to therapy the other day and my therapist outta the blue said "Jordan ask yourself this question does your sexuality affect just you or others in your life too". And I started to answer right after he asked me and he said I think you need to go home and think about it before you give me your answer. So I have been thinking and pondering alot about that question trying to come up with the right answer and for some reason i cant. I mean to me I think my sexuality affects others too, it affects my gf, my son, my family and other people i am around doesnt it? But i was telling some of the few of my friends that know what i am going thru and they all seemed to come up with different answers too. So i guess i need your input too. Well thats my confused post for today. Jordan

 

[backpacker]

Jordan, nice to get an update and glad that the holidays went better than expected. With regard to your question, I think to some small degree everything about us affects others around us. Does your sexuality have any real meaningful affect on others, I would say no with the exception of your girlfriend. If some of the people around you make it an issue, I guess it can have an affect on them, but it really shouldn't. Good luck and I hope things continue to improve for you.

 

[mexamor]

Thanks for your post Jordan and I guess I have said my piece about it being about you but I'm glad you brought it here for other's to comment and help you sort things out. Take care and you are a great person.

 

[screwnutty]

Hey Jordan!

Well I'm glad the holidays went okay for you. As for that question you've been pondering about. If I had to answer it and I was in the same situation as you where here's how I would address it.

My sexuality only affects me. It doesn't effect my son at all because regardless if I'm gay, straight or bi...I will always love my son. My son will hopefully always love me to regardless what I am. I was this way before he was born and there's no way that it's going to change in his life time. Same can be said for family and friends. If they truly are your friends and your family then they will accept it cause there's nothing they can do to change it.

Now as for your girlfriend. You love her and it sounds like she loves you too. That was enough to bring you two together to bring your son into this world. I'm not a religous man by any means but I do believe that all of us are put on this earth for a purpose or reason. Your sexuality doesn't effect your girlfriend either cause it's fate. Hell in a parallel world you could be 100% straight as an arrow and still broken up with her for other reasons!? Who knows , the point is that deep down inside the only person that is affected by your sexuality is you. It has control over you. It can make you happy or it can try and destroy you. (Teen sucide rates are the highest among gay teens who can't come to terms with themselves so I've read)

So your sexuality is your inner demon. It's something that I like to refer to as a battle of wills within yourself. You must confront this "demon" and win control over it...only then will you find true inner peace.

I'm sorry if I sound like a fortune cookie here but this is how I came to terms with myself as being gay. I was sad, depressed and lonely. I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere during late high school or college. It was dark days for me. I was at the bottom of the barrel so to speak. Finally after watching shows like Queer as Folk and reading books on being gay and other stuff. I decided to take control of this "demon", and well I'm not totally out to everybody...I can manage to get myself up out of bed in the morning and look at myself in the mirror with no regrets. Sure, I'm still lonely most nights, but I'm happier then I've ever been and I know it doesn't feel like your ever going to be happy again but trust me...you will. You just gotta work at it!

I hope this rambling helps you in some way Jordan and Good luck to you!

 

[mexamor]

screwnutty, that was a great post and it was helpful to me. I think you have hit on something that we need to remember and that is to deal with our selfs/our sexuality. I am dealing with how to proceed myself and I find myself so conflicted at times I don't know what to do. Very good introspection. I don't want to hurt anyone but at the same time, we are all responsible for our own happiness, yet i want to make people happy, silly paradox for me to live with, but obviously I chose that. any way I agree with your post. LOL

 

[Riverrick]

Jordan, I'm glad you got through the holidays and out of town some. That was probably good for you.

My answer to your question is that your sexuality shouldn't, in a perfect world. affect others in your life. The only reason that it does is because we live in a society that makes an issue of it. Your sexuality though is internal and personal, something that is neither good nor bad.

I know that's not a great answer but what I am trying to say is that all of the commotion over it is not your fault. You are who you are and the rest of the world really needs to start focusing on more important things in life than what a person's sexuality is.

 

[jockboy01]

Great question.

For me, I would say that the more comfortable I get with it, the more I realize that only really affects me. It doesn't affect anybody else... it seems to at times, but in reality, it doesn't. In some very small way it probably will affect my parents when I tell them. But does it change their lives in any real meaningful way? I'd have to say no. It will change it a bit but it doesn't have to change much at all.

So I think in terms of big affect... it only affects me. And I think you'll find the same thing in the longer term.

 

[Roland00]

Hey Jordan

So what are your plans for the next few weeks? ?

(When I say this I aint saying what are your plans for the next few weeks, but instead saying what are you going to do that is fun within the next few weeks, if you don't have any plans to do something fun make them, thats an order from Matt (aka Roland00) understand It doesn't have to be expensive a movie marathon night with four or five dollar movies and some popcorn is enough )

 

[ivyguy24]

Hey Jordan,

I really don't have any advice to give you, but I just wanted to say that judging from your posts you are the most courageous person I have ever witnessed.

I'm sorry everything seems to be happening at once, and I know things seem so complicated, but stay strong and keep going. As I read your posts you seemed to handle every snag with such maturity, and you've been doing everything you're supposed to do. I was impressed and admired your behavior throughout the whole ordeal when I read your initial posts, but when I read that you're dealing with MS on top of everything else, I was absolutely floored. One of my best friends has MS (she's doing well), and I can't even begin to understand what an emotional roller coaster evertying in combination must be. To take the actions you're making while dealing with your health is absolutely amazing.

I'm sorry about everything that's happening....but you're doing everything right, things will get better. I'm afraid I don't have any better advice to give you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[axeman_jordan]

hi guys, its just stupid me again. So one of my best friends who knows what i am going thru took it upon himself yesterday to set me up on a blind date with a guy he knows and works with who has went thru some of the same things i am going thru now. And my friend is insisting that i go to this blind date tonight. And i am a nervous wreck. I have no idea how to act or what to say or do, I even tried getting out of it by saying i have nothing to wear which didnt work because my friend sent his girlfriend over this morning and had her take me shopping for some clothes to wear. Everyone keeps telling me they are sick of seeing me mope around and that i need to get out and start living again. And to top things off my ex girlfriend has had a visitor at her house the last few nights that makes it look like she is moving on with her life. I just dont know if i am ready to move on with mine. My friend even sent me pics of the guy he this date is supposed to be with and yes he is good looking and i know my friend wouldnt set me up with a loser its just i am scared outta my mind cause it is something so freaking different than anything i have done before. So any advise would be greatly appreciated once again. Jordan

 

[3nipples]

Relax! It's a guy. You go meet him. If the two of you click, then things will happen by themselves. If you don't then you have a few drinks and talk about guy stuff.

You'll be fine.

 

[Roland00]

hi guys, its just stupid me again. So one of my best friends who knows what i am going thru took it upon himself yesterday to set me up on a blind date with a guy he knows and works with who has went thru some of the same things i am going thru now. And my friend is insisting that i go to this blind date tonight. And i am a nervous wreck. I have no idea how to act or what to say or do, I even tried getting out of it by saying i have nothing to wear which didnt work because my friend sent his girlfriend over this morning and had her take me shopping for some clothes to wear. Everyone keeps telling me they are sick of seeing me mope around and that i need to get out and start living again. And to top things off my ex girlfriend has had a visitor at her house the last few nights that makes it look like she is moving on with her life. I just dont know if i am ready to move on with mine. My friend even sent me pics of the guy he this date is supposed to be with and yes he is good looking and i know my friend wouldnt set me up with a loser its just i am scared outta my mind cause it is something so freaking different than anything i have done before. So any advise would be greatly appreciated once again. Jordan

Relax, smile, okay?

I don't know if you are ready to move on to dating, but you are ready to move on

And so far the excuses you gave were kinda silly, so it appears you are just extremely nervous. Nervousness can be overcome (not to be rude but have you talk to your doctor about your anxiety problems, not just your therapist). Just lean on your friends, they are trying to help you, but they need to realize you are also kinda weak and nervous now and they should try to help comfort you

You never told us what happened with your therapist and what answer you gave him to his question he ended the session with?