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Do You Require Your Significant Other to Be Out?

Do you require your partner to be out before your relationship turns steady/serious?

  • He must already be out to everyone before a serious relationship begins.

    Votes: 13 14.8%

  • He must already be out to at least those closest to him.

    Votes: 25 28.4%

  • He must come out to everyone during the course of the relationship.

    Votes: 7 8.0%

  • He must come out to those closest to him during the relationship.

    Votes: 13 14.8%

  • He may remain completely "discreet" (closeted) to everyone during the relationship.

    Votes: 30 34.1%
  • Total voters
    88
FunFunk

FunFunk

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Just as the title says:

For guys you are in a steady or long-term relationship with, do you insist that they be open and out to their family, friends, coworkers and other acquaintances about their sexuality already before things become serious between you?

Or, if they're not already out, do you require them to come out sometime during the course of the relationship?

Or, is it okay for them to remain closeted or "discrete" while you're in a relationship with them?

Take the poll...

I myself would require my boyfriend/partner to be out to at least his immediate family and close friends before our relationship became steady or more committed. I don't like going around pretending to be someone I'm not and I wouldn't want a relationship as important as that to be secretive.
 
I don't really much respect for the closeted, I admit, but the real deal breaker for me is that a relationship means sharing my life with someone - how could I possible share my life with someone who is not out?
 
My opinion on this has changed over the years. Before I was out, it didn't matter much to me. But now that ive been with the same wonderful man for 7 years I couldnt imagine having either one of us having to hide the most important person in our lives.
 
If I'm fully out and mij boyfriend is still in the closet to everyone, I wouldn't push him to come out, but I would encourage him to tell the people who are closest to him like his best friend and family and stuff. I already know what he's going through then so I could help him and let him lean on me.

But in my opinion you would wanna come out when you have a boyfriend right? Like Heightsboi already said, why would you ever wanna hide the most important person in your life??;)
 
If I made him come out then I would not be any different as the rest of society that forces issues.

I have been with my honey for 26+yrs, and he was out 5yrs b4 me.... so what was he supposed to do??....drop me cus I was not out yet... I would have never been as happy or were I am now if he had done that..

The time to come out is soley for that person and no one should be forced to come out.

I would not mind either way. When they are ready--then there ready and only they should decide that.. as long as i am comfortable with who I am and where I'm going and who is there with me is what is important to me.

That intern may help the other to come to terms as he will know he has major support and someone to back him up..
But that is just me...don't know bout otheres..
 
I would never INSIST that someone would exceed their own comfort level. That is something that only They can decide.

In my own case, "My" Kev has always been totally "Out", and I've been the one keeping to my "Public" closet.

Luckily, through the last 28+yr., he's been very understanding of my position, though not entirely "happy" with it, and has let me come to terms with my own societal inhibitions on my own time, at my own pace.

Today ... I'm "Out", though not obviously so, to Everyone, except in my professional work environment. And, even there, I'm not exactly "hiding" anymore.

Kev is now happier, as am I, too! Had it not been for his patience, consideration, thoughtfulness, and concern, I would not have been able to reach this current level of my own acceptance and "ease".

I fully appreciate what that endeavor has "cost" him! And, now that I know better, I also understand what a great debt I owe him for being so understanding, and accepting, of my earlier, misled, concerns. (group)

Keep smilin'!! :kiss:(*8*)
Chaz :D
 
I get hit on all the time at "bar time" by closet-cases. I am proud of who I am and all that I've accomplished; I can't ever see myself going back into that dark, danky closet for anybody, regardless of how hot he may be.

Self-confidence is a MUST! and if a guy is embarrassed about that aspect of his being, he's not the guy for me. I'll be his friend, of course, but just not his lover. I can't ever see myself with someone that is embarrassed of me.
 
I guess it comes down to trying to help the other feel more comfortable and wanting to come out and share his happiness about finding you. I met my sweetheart when we were 17, our first weekend in college. When we went home for the holidays we told our families and our friends. We just knew we were going to be together for life and wanted everyone to know, and this was in the 70's mind you.

I was so excited to find a guy I feel in love with at first sight that I honestly couldn't contain myself. I felt so proud walking around with him at my side and he did as well. I didn't shout it from the mountain tops, but we would walk around campus with our arms around each other, pretty much oblivious to anyone else, and again, this was the 70's.

I think if you fall in love with someone who is having trouble exiting the closet, it's your job to make him feel so good about the two of you that he will want to tell everyone he found you. It will take time but can be done. Even at 17 in the 70's, I can't imagine keeping the feelings I had for him bundled up inside. I just wanted to tell everyone this is my guy and I'm his. That's the way it was for the next 33+ years.
 
syoBsUtsuJ said:
I get hit on all the time at "bar time" by closet-cases. I am proud of who I am and all that I've accomplished; I can't ever see myself going back into that dark, danky closet for anybody, regardless of how hot he may be.

Self-confidence is a MUST! and if a guy is embarrassed about that aspect of his being, he's not the guy for me. I'll be his friend, of course, but just not his lover. I can't ever see myself with someone that is embarrassed of me.
Click to expand...

I can't even begin to count the number of men I've encountered (or who've encountered me) who are afraid to be honest about this essential part of who they are.

And much of how open one is often depends on class or ethnic or religious background. Mind you that's not to say that any kind of background should be used as an excuse to stay in the closet or pressure others to stay closeted.
 
I just called off the sexual part of a relationship because the guy was not out to his wife. Seriously.
 
No. No one else needs to know as long as we are happy together and enjoys one another's company.
 
My partner is out to everyone that matters, so it's a little hard for me to imagine life if it were not like that.

Nevertheless, I think being out, or not, is a very personal judgment and decision that I would respect. If I loved the guy, and valued our relationship, I would be patient and respectful of his decision. That doesn't mean I wouldn't try to offer ideas and suggestions and even encouragement to come out when it was awkward not to be out, but being out (or not) would not be a deal-breaker for me.
 
My partner has been out for the past five years but it was a gradual progress for him. He never lied about who we were but at the same time, he only wanted his family and a few close friends to know.
That was fine with me. And it should be for others unless he is simply using you for sex.
 
I'd prefer him to be in the process of coming out. I feel bad for guys in the closet as it can be a living hell for some. I hate to see someone I care about put themselves through psychological torture and I'd try to help them come out.

If you're really in love you won't really care what other people think. A lot of straight relationships and marriages occur even if parents or friends don't agree. But when you're really in love he'll eventually realize being in the closet can endanger the relationship and come out.
 
ixthrock said:
I just called off the sexual part of a relationship because the guy was not out to his wife. Seriously.
Click to expand...

Seems like an excellent reason to call off the sexual part of the relationship. I assume you didn't know about his wife before? If I'd been in your shoes I'm not sure I would've even wanted to stay friends. If you can't even be honest with me, then you can't be my friend on a platonic basis, much less be with me in a serious relationship.
 
This is not my decision. It's whatever he's comfortable with. Speaking for myself, though, it's impossible for me to be out at work. That would make my life very difficult and even affect my ability to make money. So, it's different for everyone.
 
The closet is a place of shame. A relationship is something of which to be proud. If you hide your light under a bushel, it will eventually go out.
 
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