Does it make me gay if I want to have sex with guys, but cannot love one?

[hotatlboi]

Maybe he's gay.. maybe he's not. But from what he tells us... he's gay. If he is hiding something.. we don't know.. but he asked for an opinion and from the evidence, he is gay.

Thank you, that sums it up for me.

 

[hotatlboi]

You seem to know for sure I'm wrong.

Well we can't know 100% when all he have is some basic info on an anonymous message board. All I was trying to do re: your comments was help you understand that this kind of initial mindset is extremely common with many gay people, which it seemed you were not that familiar with since it was a mystery to you.

What he described happened pretty close to exactly as he described it with me, and NaughtyArousal, Ivabigun227, Lasosa, pumpyt, gaydude65, borg69unimatrix all said the same in this thread.

 

[hotatlboi]

We finally agree on something.

But the only way he could not be gay is if he erred in the info he reported to us.

If you have no sexual interest in women at all, you are gay, unless you are totally asexual, which is going to be the case for very few.

 

[hotatlboi]

That's your opinion

No it's not. It's the basic definition. That's the problem we're having here. You are labeling the accepted meaning of simple terms as opinions.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sexual+orientation

sexual orientation

–noun
one's natural preference in sexual partners; predilection for homosexuality, heterosexuality, or bisexuality.
Dictionary.com Unabridged
Based on the Random House Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2011.


Medical Dictionary

sexual orientation definition
Function: n
: the inclination of an individual with respect to heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual behavior
Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary, © 2007 Merriam-Webster, Inc.

sexual orientation n.
The direction of one's sexual interest toward members of the same, opposite, or both sexes, especially a direction seen to be dictated by physiologic rather than sociologic forces. Replaces sexual preference in most contemporary uses.
The American Heritage® Stedman's Medical Dictionary

Cultural Dictionary

Preference for sexual activity with people of the opposite sex, the same sex, or both. ( See bisexuality, heterosexuality, and homosexuality.)
The American Heritage® New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy, Third Edition
Copyright © 2005 by Houghton Mifflin Company.

(emphases mine)

 

[fetaby]

Well ok...

Anyway, OP... You're going to do what you want to do. You're at a place where you are starting to question what the world says and what you say. The world says you're gay, it also says you should love women and have lots of fuck trophies... You say, you don't have to do what the world says... But either way it's your choice.

Love knows no limitations.

 

[hotatlboi]

^Boy, you just aren't going to let this go. Are you?

Those do not really support your position that romantic and sexual attraction can be entirely discordant.

Show me one individual who only has sex with men yet has a meaningful emotional romantic relationship with a woman. I know of no such individual at least.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Re: Does it make me gay if I want to have sex with guys, but cannot love one?

want
 
 [wont, wawnt]
–verb (used with object)
1.
to feel a need or a desire for; wish for: to want one's dinner; always wanting something new.
2.
to wish, need, crave, demand, or desire (often followed by an infinitive): I want to see you. She wants to be notified.
3.
to be without or be deficient in: to want judgment; to want knowledge.
EXPAND
–verb (used without object)
6.
to feel inclined; wish; like (often followed by to ): We can stay home if you want.
7.
to be deficient by the absence of some part or thing, or to feel or have a need (sometimes followed by for ): He did not want for abilities.
8.
to have need (usually followed by for ): If you want for anything, let him know.
EXPAND
–noun
11.
something wanted or needed; necessity: My wants are few.
12.
something desired, demanded, or required: a person of childish, capricious wants.
13.
absence or deficiency of something desirable or requisite; lack: plants dying for want of rain.

To me, doesn't this say it all ???

 

[hotatlboi]

I showed you mine and you showed me yours. I didn't take issue with yours.

I'm not taking issue with it.

I'm saying it is not what you are saying it is.

Emotional/romantic terms are included because they typically go with sexual attraction, not because they can be totally separated in their expression, which seems to be your assertion here.

I can't think of a single example of what you are suggesting is possible, if you have only a romantic attraction to one gender and only a sexual one to the other. That's why I wanted to see an example.

 

[fetaby]

Only the individual can define what love is for themselves. The degree of willingness to do so seems to be the hangup...

 

[hotatlboi]

My assertion is that a bisexual need not have sex with either to be considered bisexual.

No, that was not your assertion. I would agree with that. For example a bisexual person could end up in a relationship with either sex and never have sex with the other gender because he/she never got involved with a member of that gender, even if they are attracted to them.

Your assertion was that one can only be sexually attracted to one gender and only emotionally attracted to the other. That is what I don't see as happening.

 

[introv3rt]

I wonder how much different this discussion would be if the English words for the sexual orientations didn't involve *sexual, but instead, for instance, *philia. Homophilia, biphilia, heterophilia.

The translated version of those terms are used where I live, and I wonder how much that matters. I mean, the concept is the same, but as a result of the name, there is a greater focus on all of the aspects of sexual orientation, not just the sexual attraction-component.

 

[fetaby]

I wonder how much different this discussion would be if the English words for the sexual orientations didn't involve *sexual, but instead, for instance, *philia. Homophilia, biphilia, heterophilia.

The translated version of those terms are used where I live, and I wonder how much that matters. I mean, the concept is the same, but as a result of the name, there is a greater focus on all of the aspects of sexual orientation, not just the sexual attraction-component.

For that matter, how much different would this conversation be if the other side of the OP was better defined?

How many different kinds of love are there? And why is some more accepted as being "true" than others?

 

[Joshua_me]

Re: Does it make me gay if I want to have one?

Well, you know...there *are* gay bachelors out there just as there are str8 ones...

Not *everyone* wants to "couple off" and spend the rest of their days with the same person.

This is tangendental, but I'm reminded of a snippet of lyric from Bruce Springsteen's "Hungry Heart" : "Don't make no difference what nobody says, ain't nobody likes to be alone...."

I always took issue with that line.

But, back to the point. If I had to guess, the OP is dealing with two different issues:

1) He's gay - and we all know what a headtrip that puts us through at first.

and

2) Since birth he's probably had the 'hubby and wife and two kids and a dog and a picket fence shoved into his mind".

These two concepts battle with each other endlessly.

My prognosis ? He's young, and there are a WHOLE LOT of gay men in the sea that he hasn't even met yet. It's *incredible* how meeting the right person can clear all of the BS out of your head and make things suddenly seem so simple.

Worrying about what's going to happen in the future is like paddling upstream. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.

Surely, the OP's lief is going to unfold in front of him as it should.

Give it time.

 

[hotatlboi]

Re: Does it make me gay if I want to have one?

1) He's gay - and we all know what a headtrip that puts us through at first.

and

2) Since birth he's probably had the 'hubby and wife and two kids and a dog and a picket fence shoved into his mind".

Yes, that is exactly what's going on.

It's a stage of not accepting completely yet that being gay means your long term life outlook is a bit different than you previously envisioned.

 

[evanrick]

it makes you human. you will find love when the time is right

 

[whoa2whoa]

Wow. Came back and saw this spawned a big debate.

TO answer some questions I did go to church from 5-10 years old. I don't think they had any influence on me. I saw how fucked up religion is with all the bigotry in it and now really see it a a brainwashing camp.

I have had sexual feelings for guys forever. I even remember in 4th grade seeing a boy take off his shirt was hot to me. I never have had a sexual desire for a womans body in my life, never will. I don't know exactly why I feel I cannot love a guy. I haven't even talked to a gay person in my life . Maybe this will change in the future when I meet up with men.


I just turned 21 and haven't had sex with a man yet, but will soon. The only part I am worried about is if I have a little dick compared to other guys and feeling embarrassed. Its only 6.2 inches. I already know that I will like the sex though. Maybe I am just confused right now. Now looking at it, it is pretty stupid to say I can't love a man even though I never even talked or had sex with a gay guy before. I really loved reading everyone's opinions though, it definitely made me think a lot about this and made me feel a little better, so thanks everyone for that.

Now that I thought about why I can't love a man, maybe it has something to do with being scared to be with a guy in public. With a women you can go anywhere, but me and a guy can't go to dinner or anywhere without getting insulted or looks. I never even thought of this till now. Maybe this is the reaosn why I can't picture myself getting married to a guy.

 

[whoa2whoa]

the average penis size is ~5.6"



I don't know where you live, but I've never been insulted or gotten looks while I'm out on a date. I don't live in a particularly gay-friendly area. I don't know if people just think that me and my date are just two friends hanging out or if they don't care that we're gay... it's not something that weighs heavily on my mind and it's not something I've ever had to deal with.

Hmmm didn't know that was the average, been watching too much porn lol.

What I meant by being with him in public, I meant like kissing, holding hands. If a guy and girl kiss and hold hands nobody cares. If 2 guys kiss and hold hands I can't even fathom how bad people would treat you if you did this in public.....

and I wouldn't want to act like we are straight in public, to avoid getting looks or insulted. I don't want to feel ashamed in public.

 

[fetaby]

Now that I thought about why I can't love a man, maybe it has something to do with being scared to be with a guy in public. With a women you can go anywhere, but me and a guy can't go to dinner or anywhere without getting insulted or looks. I never even thought of this till now. Maybe this is the reaosn why I can't picture myself getting married to a guy.

Lots of people have this same idea. They figure that the world is one thing and they are another separate thing. That's not true.


You fit in with what makes this world the way it is. You are part of it. If you decide to go out with another man in public, you have changed the shape of it.

Imagine the family at the next table of the restaurant...

The dad looks at you and your date with disgust.
The mom wonders if you can tell the difference between beige and taupe.

The daughter looks at you and knows there is hope for her to be happy with her secret girlfriend.

 

[TJx123]

You're just confused I would say, part of the process of figuring out you're sexuality, perfectly natural.

Don't stress too much it'll come in time, either you'll start to feel like you can love a man or you will start to feel attraction towards women...or i guess ENOUGH attraction towards women to pursue that.

oh and...

I don't understand the American mono-obsession. There is NO reason whatsoever to limit a guy to one sex. It is even immoral. So, go your way as suits you.

^ now im the confused person in this thread...by definition of you're statement you're basically saying that, specifically "AMERICAN's" only have "mono-obsession" and that "there is no reason whatsoever" a "guy" -> (male) should "limit" himself to being gay or straight because its "immoral"... even if you account society's generalized morals or NOT, how is being straight immoral? not that i think either gay or straight is immoral. Also, that not only doesn't apply to an "American" woman but it also doesn't apply to women? and technically there IS a reason to limit yourself to one sex, because that how a person of one sexuality just IS, and thats not only what they WANT thats just how they FEEL.

I mean i can usually follow a person's logic even if i don't agree....i just didnt get that at all. Someone want to explain it to me? oh and btw all of that?^^ sorry it just...fascinated me.

 

[Beachguyj]

OK. Let's say the situation is reversed. He's sexually attracted to women but falls in love with men. What would that make him?

He says he can see himself loving a woman, not falling in love with one. He wants a beard.