dpnice - Archived Blog Posts

[dpnice]

My final few days before madame returns and I hadn’t programmed rain into my planning. At least it has warmed up but sitting on my terrace just now I couldn’t even see across to the other side of the bay.

The last few days are usually a turmoil of washing cars, cleaning windows and clearing up around the swimming pool. Add to that the time to take care of the dogs, do the shopping in preparation for the rest of the week’s meals and occupy myself with personal matters and it seems I am really fucked. If you will excuse the expression.

I continued with my cinema plans last night and went to see “Twilight”! That was a mistake; it must be one of the most pathetic films I have ever seen; I usually empathise with vampires in a movie but this one nearly bored me to death. Apart from that I was all alone in an auditorium for 300 people with surround sound and immense screen.

I doubt that I will get to see the remaining films on my list as this weather, as it usually does, will dampen down my desire to get out and do something. Seems like another evening browsing JUB is on the cards.

 

[dpnice]

Finally the end of my enforced slavery chained to the kitchen stove is imminent; the cook starts work again on Monday after three months absence. So I have just to survive tomorrow and life will return to a semblance of normality the next day.

It has not been a pleasurable experience even though I do enjoy cooking; the stress and the constant pressure to please have made me an emotional wreck. Each failure however insignificant sent me crawling down to my flat defeated and morose wishing the world would close in on me.

It finally reached a point where the moment where I returned to the dining room to clear the plates seemed like the first step into hell. Wondering whether the meal had been acceptable, but really not wishing to know if it hadn’t been took its toll after a while.

Programming each and every day down to the minute to ensure that everything got done became exhausting quite rapidly. Obviously a personal life became non-existent from the day madame returned.

On the whole an experience that I don’t want to relive. Loyalty towards, a desire to please and a willingness to sacrifice your private life for your employers is not a good thing when it becomes a long term necessity rather than an isolated action.

 

[dpnice]

Perhaps the one real luxury in life is having the time and the freedom to do what you want to do when you want to do it. Having sufficient time to just waste it doing nothing essential, rather than having each moment of the day timetabled in order to complete everything that needs to be done.

Since the cook’s return I have been able to take a day and a half off from work to cope with catching up on my own life. Yet it has taken until now, 18:00 on the second day to find myself free of all obligations. I have spent the time doing essential chores in the apartment, shopping and sorting out problems with the car. It is only now that I have the freedom to relax and take time out, to stop and breath and know that the only important things left to do are those that I actually want to do.

Obviously I have to cook my evening meal; I am having rabbit in rosemary and white wine this evening. One would have thought that I had had enough of cooking but there is a difference between preparing a meal for oneself and preparing it for madame. The stress is no longer there; a glass of wine and the time to just potter in the kitchen become a pleasure.

Yet this is one of the aspects of solitary life that weigh heavily some times. There is no one else to prepare that meal for you whilst you relax or occupy yourself with something else. Every single task in the home and life is yours to do every single day, year after year, with never a soul to give you a helping hand.

Frequent sex is certainly not the most important aspect of living in a permanent relationship, neither is companionship, affection or true love. It is having someone else to do the washing up after you have spent the best part of the evening preparing the meal.

 

[dpnice]

I don’t wish to appear unthankful for having a well paid job and the opportunity to live in luxurious surroundings but honestly I have had enough. The cook has only been back a week, I haven’t even managed to catch up on all the things needing doing and now the chamber maid is off ill for 10 days.

So once again I have to put my own life on hold and cope with the work of two people. As it seems that madame is no longer rewarding me financially for all the extra work I must admit I am not experiencing much enthusiasm about ensuring that everything is done well.

Admittedly ensuring that all monsieur’s shirts are ironed by the next day is not as stressful as preparing the meals but even so add to that all the bedrooms and bathrooms to do and you find most of the day taken up by menial household tasks.

Shit I am the maître d’hôtel not the cleaning lady!

 

[dpnice]

I was seriously thinking that I wouldn’t be returning to JUB what with my personal life non-existent and all the spare time I managed to glean being spent sleeping. But nothing like a perfectly sunny day followed by an evening free from work, a glass of whisky close at hand and feeling in an incredibly good state of mind to bring me back. Mind you there being nothing on the TV this evening and being obliged to remain at the villa whilst madame goes out to a wonderful restaurant might also be an important factor why I am sitting at my computer whiling away my time.

I am amazed that even after a month of total exhaustion and a complete absence of any time to myself that I still feel so buoyant and content with life. Perhaps I am the sort of person that doesn’t require anything else apart from a job to keep them occupied.

The atmosphere at work is slightly electric at the present moment. After telling the chamber maid exactly what I thought of her work and her commitment to her job she is no longer speaking to me. Now this is like a red rag to a bull for me. I have naturally been chatting away ten to the dozen to her; the poor thing doesn’t know how to cope with it all. Just to cut off her nose to spite her face she refuses to sit down and eat lunch with me; I just wonder what the purpose of it all is.

I swear that I am a nice person and willing to help out wherever and whenever necessary but there is a limit to my wiliness and it is best to never give me the impressing that I am being taken advantage of.

So life on the Côte d’Azur continues as usual at least the sun is back and the place is once again living up to its reputation.

 

[dpnice]

People know that I exist and that is what I have always thought was an important aspect of being a member of JUB. The fact that some of you took the time to welcome me back was really appreciated – thank you one and all.

Obviously life hasn’t changed in any way, some days work is overwhelming with so much to do I don’t know where to start. Other days I seem to be so efficient that I manage to do the work of three in a couple of hours. Then there are those days where I just can’t be bothered and do the minimum necessary.

I am still living in my solitary little world which is why I was pleased to see the return of good weather. The sun is an important element in whether I venture out into the wide world or remain cocooned at home. I did manage to get to see the most important films that have been released this year. I must admit that “Harvey Milk” was the highlight. It was amazing to see the mixture of people in the audience the night that I went to see it.

There is one disadvantage of this return of real South of France weather and that is the fact that the pines are shedding their pollen in vast yellow clouds. Subsequently I am wading my way through boxes of tissues and anti-histamine pills to contain my allergy.

Sorry, two disadvantages, the cars are yellow when they should be shiny black which means I have to wash them daily at the moment.

My smoking is under control and I haven’t gone back to burning cigarette after cigarette. I can accept the addiction and the possibilities of problems in the future. It really is a question of enjoying life in the present and being prepared to pay the consequences in the future.

I can now “walk” the dogs rather than being dragged along at high speed by two raging animals. Anna still pulls on her leash but the improvement is obvious and hopefully will improve even more.

One annoyance is that if by chance we meet a cat pandemonium breaks loose. I have tried everything until finally my patience broke and I gave them a quick belt with the end of the leash. Perfect peace and control was immediate.

Today has been perfect doing nothing. I had lunch in my usual restaurant where the handsome waiters all welcomed me profusely; the first time I had been this year.

I am not even going to bother cooking this evening; it is so nice just doing absolutely nothing for a change.

 

[dpnice]

This is about the only word to describe life in the South of France at the moment. It describes perfectly the weather we are having this week; it is reflected in my dissatisfaction with the boring routine at work; it certainly is appropriate for explaining my whole life style.

Surprisingly I am not at all depressed about it all just evidently aware that everything seems grey and uninteresting. I realised long ago that any form of excitement was totally absent from my life. But then how does one go about getting some input? Does excitement just happen by chance or does one have to go out and make it happen?

We had a couple of perfect days a while back which lulled everyone into thinking that spring and the good weather was finally here. I rushed out buying new plants for my terrace which you now have to slide through sideways to get from one end to the other.

But alas it didn’t last and the drizzle and grey are back. Thankfully my terrace is covered so I can still get out and talk to my new plants encouraging them to grow.

Well as I have nothing cheerful to write about how about a cute picture to terminate today’s entry.

 

[dpnice]

I unintentionally wasted my afternoon break today by sleeping a solid three hours. Annoying really as I had plenty of things planned to do and if you remove the time to take a siesta and walk the dogs I only have an hour left before starting work again.

Usually I take a short nap when lunch is served and cleared away; I set my alarm for 45 mins and stretch out on the sofa. It is a moment shared with the cat as where ever he is as soon as I am comfortably settled he jumps up and spreads out across my chest purring contentedly. I must admit it is also rather pleasant for me as it makes me feel loved, even if it is only the cat and not a young handsome man curled up in my arms.

Whilst waking up with a cup of coffee and a cigarette I wondered if I was really tired and required the sleep or was I sleeping my life away intentionally. Is sleep for me a means of escaping a boring life enabling me to retreat into a world of dreams and fantasy?

Of course, I couldn’t really care less as I can always find time to catch up on undone tasks. I just felt slightly guilty about the waste of time but then my whole life is a waste of time so should I bother about it.

I suppose it comes down to the fact that one is expected to fill one’s life with activity and doing nothing worthwhile is not thought of as a good aspect of a personality. But there you are that is one of the consequences of withdrawing from society and not sharing your life with a partner. No one to criticise you or in my case to give you that envy to get out and do something.

 

[dpnice]

A pleasant surprise this weekend; no guests today and the added bonus that madame is not dining here this evening. The sun decided to put in an appearance today and is forecast to remain just until Tuesday when the rain in abundance returns to make life once again miserable.

I spent the afternoon pampering the plants on my terrace. My one regret in life is to never have had a garden. I did have one when I bought my first house; it took me a year to landscape it and six months after finishing the plantation Paul, my boyfriend, asked me to move to London to live with him. Then when we split up and I bought a small house in Wimbledon before I could even do the garden I came out to France. I really am a frustrated gardener.

My terrace is possible the only aspect of my life here that makes everything worthwhile and the reason why I am willing to work 14 hours a day sacrificing all private life that I might have. It is a haven of peace, the place I spend the majority of my spare time, the spot to which I retreat during the day to calm myself or take a moment to breath.

It is a real joy to see new growth and an enormous frustration to see plants which don’t survive. Living here in the South of France I should be able to grow the most wonderful plants but due to the exposition of my terrace and the lack of sun I am limited to what I can plant.

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It is not easy to take photographs as the terrace is long and narrow, or maybe it is just that I am not very good at taking them.

So a quiet evening at home even though it is now after 20 hrs. I shall prepare a simple tuna and pasta salad and then return to JUB for the rest of the evening.

 

[dpnice]

I suppose when lethargy sets in the best solution is just to swim with the tide, try not to feel too guilty about wasting your life and take advantage of the occasion to unwind and relax.

Apart from making numerous mugs of instant coffee my sole achievement this morning was cleaning out the cat litter tray. Oh the excitement I find in my lonely life (does my sarcasm come over in the printed word?)

There were thousands of things I could have done but the desire to activate myself seemed buried deep in some unfathomable pit.

Hunger, around midday, did stimulate a little activity though. A pleasurable moment where a stroll in the sun with the vegetable plot as the destination resulted in the harvesting of a fresh lettuce, a few branches of Persil and a lemon plucked from one of the many citrus trees.

A quiet moment in the kitchen crushing garlic and tarragon produced a tuna and pasta salad which was the prelude to a long afternoon nap much appreciated by Joker the cat.

I did sit in the rose garden for a while reflecting on the waste of my day whilst thinking that in fact it was extremely pleasant to do nothing; no aims, no stress, no dead-lines, no time-tables.

In fact I have decided not to reverse today’s trend of inactivity. The dogs have been walked so now I can slip back into oblivion, cook some ravioli and pesto rosso for dinner and finally slump in front of the television to vegetate.

Life may well be going no where here in the South of France and honestly it takes a special sort of person to appreciate living it. Would I make an exchange with you younger people and your depressions, anxieties and interrogations about finding the ideal man? I actually don’t think I would even for the excitement that being young again might provide.

 

[dpnice]

Unlike the majority of people my weekends don’t start Friday evening and continue for two days. Saturday and Sunday are the days when madame invites guests for lunch and dinner and I find myself working 18 hr days. My “weekend” starts sometime Monday afternoon continuing through to Tuesday and usually is just sufficient time to recuperate from the tiredness I have built up since Friday evening.

With this being Easter weekend it was even worse. Since Friday evening it hasn’t stopped so obviously Monday evening was spent in an exhausted stupor recovering. Today I intend to do nothing more energetic than stroking the cat whilst he is curled up on my lap. Though perhaps I will find the energy to pick the greenfly from the new shoots on the plants I recently incorporated to the jungle on my terrace.

With the lengthening of the days the terrace becomes my life buoy, providing peace and calm, allowing me to take a moment of pleasure in a mundane, repetitive life. To walk outside and have the sea stretching to the horizon, bordered by distant mountains and encircled by fishing towns is a privilege few people have.

So if I can drag myself away from the computer I will be spending the rest of the day stretched out pondering life whilst watching the boats pass by at the end of the garden. Possibly with a book unread beside me and most certainly with a cat stretched out between my thighs.

This should mean that I have sufficient energy this evening to cook a turkey joint and the strength to open the bottle of champagne I had forgotten in the bottom of the fridge.

Often the most ordinary things in life are more enjoyable than all the excitement other pastimes may offer.

 

[dpnice]

The rain is back again. Seems we will have to endure it for the next five days. I would like to find something positive to say about it such as ‘well the garden needs it’ but I am just finding it so depressing. Anyway the garden doesn’t need it as our plants are all Mediterranean and drought resistant.

Holidays on the horizon. Dear madame forgot to mention that they are leaving for a couple of weeks on Sunday. It seems this was planned a month ago and she forgot to inform me (somehow the annoyance I am experiencing doesn’t come over in that simple sentence).

Now I must decide if I actually want to go away somewhere for a week and decide if I have enough money to pay for it. Correct that statement; I have enough money but do I want to spend it in this present economic climate.

No guests this weekend due to the imminent departure. In fact a restaurant is planned for Saturday night so I will have an additional evening free this week.

Okay the rain is pissing me off but life is not that bad here.

Now I have Monty Python singing ‘Look on the Bright Side of Life’ echoing in my head.

 

[dpnice]

With madame winging her way to Paris I am the maître of the villa; two weeks on my own to retrieve some of what one generally calls a ‘private life’.

First task is to plan out my menus for next week to ensure that I actually eat correctly. It will be pleasant to be free to bustle about in my small kitchen concocting something delicious to eat.

Second task is to spring clean my flat; due to its size that should be finished by Monday evening leaving me all of Tuesday to relax, unwind and plan out my holidays.

For the rest of the week I am working putting the villa back into good shape. At least I can work at my own speed, stop when I want and leave the disorder for the following day. Of course, the great advantage is that life will resort to being a little more normal, working during the day and having all the evenings to myself.

Then a week’s holiday. Mind you I have looked at the long range weather forecast and all I can say is it had better change before the end of next week.

This ‘hired help’ is a happy man tonight.

 

[dpnice]

Monday I awoke filled with good intentions to attack cleaning the flat. Fatally I decided to have a second cup of coffee before starting and in that brief moment all my enthusiasm evaporated and a vegetative state of mind firmly established itself. The day drifted by with me doing nothing apart from running madame’s car into Monaco for a repair job. Well the cat and I did also have quite a long nap in the afternoon, in fact all the afternoon as I awoke as night was falling.

Guilt set in the following day so I did actually get myself into gear moving all the furniture out and activating myself to clean every single surface.

Today I decided not to go into the villa to work but stay downstairs and take advantage of being in my pristine clean apartment. So another vegetative day but purposely chosen this time. The weather was nice for a change so I hung around on the terrace, read a little, napped in the sun and waded through the threads on JUB.

Why all this concern about people having aspirations. I had an extremely pleasant day doing nothing important.

I am finishing off today with a potato in the oven accompanied by a turkey steak in curry sauce; which washed down by a bottle of wine should put me into a very mellow state of mind affirming that my day has not at all been wasted.

 

[dpnice]

I really enjoyed working from nine to five today. Actually I started at 7hr but that doesn’t sound so lyrical. It is extremely rare that I experience that feeling of arriving home after a hard day’s work, unwinding and then having the evening stretching before you.

The ‘unwinding’ on the terrace with a glass of whiskey, inspecting all the new shoots on my plants was quite pleasant seeing that late afternoon/early evening is the moment when the sun puts an appearance on my terrace.

I have just poured myself a second whiskey as a reward as I have really been very conscientious today. I am way behind on schedule of the things I have to do but it was a nice change to let drop some things knowing that I really wouldn’t have the time to do them before madame returns.

So I cleaned monsieur’s huge Porche inside and out this morning and then put it to bed in its customed made housse as I won’t have time between the end of my holidays and his return to wash all three cars.

I attacked all the shutters and wrought iron on the windows to remove all the accumulated filth and pollen deposited since the beginning of spring. Seeing that I must clean a room each day to finish on time I started with monsieur’s office which is now so clean and shiny you need sunglasses on before entering.

I did stop for lunch and succeeded in not stretching out on the settee for a nap, certain that I would still be there if I had.

I have another three days of this before the start of my holidays. Three days of organisation and efficiency cleaning the villa in order that it is perfect for their return. It is, I must admit boring, until you stand back and admire the finished results. What I do is let my mind wander which keeps me amused and makes it all a little more enjoyable to do.

So I now have time to shove a chicken in the oven, peel some potatoes to roast and make a rice pudding. What on earth am I going to do with the rest of the evening? JUB!

 

[dpnice]

So is it old age creeping up on me or the fact that I spend all day on my own that my thoughts turn more and more frequently to my childhood. Perhaps, being occupied all day long by mind numbing work, my mind requires a subject to distract it from the boring nature of cleaning the villa.

I was able to catalogue today, in order of occurrence, most of my earliest memories; some were just isolated moments in time whilst others were complete scenarios evoking powerful emotions.

The first of them all takes me back to the time when my mother and father were separated and I was living with foster parents. There I was wearing green corduroy short trousers dancing up and down on the bed whilst Bill Haley and the Comets sung ‘Rock around the Clock’ on the radio. I can so vividly remember the scene; I was facing the window with the street outside glimpsed through net curtains. There was some discussion between the adults about my father taking myself and my brother to Australia; my grandmother had a sister living in Melbourne.

It must have been immediately after my mother had deserted us as I can’t see my father dealing with two young boys on his own. Yet the sensations that I can recall are of being reasonably happy and to this day I have never understood how I never missed not having a mother; as if it was something completely unessential for my well being.

We never went to Australia unfortunately; would life have been drastically different for me if we had? Instead we went to live with my grandparents on their houseboat. Now if anything could provide an exciting environment for a small child it was that; living on a boat with your life ruled by the tides. Looking backward it seem to be a return to the womb; constricted space, warmth and security and surrounded by water.

 

[dpnice]

That is approximately the number of days that I have been working for madame and today was not really much different from all the others.

I suppose that some of you may live in a dwelling as grandiose if not bigger than the villa here; if that is the case then I doubt that you do the cleaning yourself. Then there must be some of you who don’t even know what a duster look likes let alone know where the vacuum cleaner is stored.
Little did I know on leaving Oxford University with my degree in Educational Studies and Applied Plant Science that one day I would be spending the majority of my time cleaning someone’s house in the South of France.

Spring cleaning is probably something that the majority of people don’t even think about. In reality it is an ‘art’ necessitating organisation and an application involving a strong state of mind in order not to give up half way through deciding to spend the rest of the day on JUB.

Always start with the ceiling so that the mess that drops on the floor will be cleaned up at the next stage. Attack the floor and carpets with the vacuum cleaner, cleaning everything upholstered at the same time allowing you to check for loose change lost behind the cushions. Obviously madame and monsieur don’t have loose change and unfortunately 500 euro notes don’t slip out of your pocket when you sit down on the sofa.

Whilst you are dealing with the vacuum move the furniture into the centre of the room allowing you to clean under them and recuperate the dried food that one of the children has hidden. Shake out the curtains and use the vacuum at low power to aspire all the collected dust. This only works if you start at the top and work downwards. At high power the curtains disappear up the tube and you waste your time going out and buying new ones.

With the furniture in the centre of the room you will be able to see the skirting board for the first time this year. Clean it and at the same time wipe down all the painted wood, window frames and anything else suitable for washing.

Next attack the windows, inside and out. For me that means 106 individual panes of glass; doubled naturally as I don’t skimp my work and actually clean the insides as well. I do know friends who clean their windows once a year. If you do it more frequently you will be amazed at the increase in luminosity in your room. Do clean the moulding around each pane as this is where the dead flies collect.

If you have the room carpeted then the floor has already been done. I don’t; which means out with the liquid floor polish and the polishing machine. Always work backwards so as not to leave any traces, remembering that the furniture has changed places and just waiting for you to back into it and knock off the vase which breaks in a hundred pieces, which requires you getting the vacuum cleaner out once again.

The floor finished you can start returning the furniture to its original positions, cleaning it as you go. Once all your ornaments and books have been dusted and all the silver and brass cleaned you can get the vacuum out again to dust off the lampshades which you have forgotten to do.

Naturally all this is boring and you require something to occupy your mind. Something like trying to calculate how many men you have had sex with since you were 11yrs. Try putting them in chronological order and then something really difficult try to remember what they looked liked and where you met them.

Well only two more rooms left to do before starting my holidays on Monday. This is the weather forecast for the week.

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I may well be spending the week in bed recovering from exhaustion or probably hibernating.

 

[dpnice]

Monday I awoke to the rhythm of torrential rain. It teemed down without a break all day long and accompanied me to bed that evening. The day was conducive to doing nothing apart from sitting on my terrace listening to the deafening noise it made and pondering over life.

I did have an appointment with my dentist during which she announced that the repair work she was going to have to undertake would cost me 4000 euros (around 5000 USD). This sudden financial crisis sent me scurrying to my accounts trying to do some creative budgeting in order to find the money without emptying my saving accounts.

Subsequently there will be quite a bit of belt tightening during the rest of 2009. Not that I spend an awful amount of money but from now on there will be no cinema, whisky or unessential purchases. The great advantage of my work is that this financial crisis only affects my personal spending money as I am fed, watered and lodged as part of my contract. Even my Internet connection and phone bill is paid for by madame. Which is obviously the reason why working so many hours is not such a huge sacrifice as it may seem.

Thankfully the weather has improved and the garden is bathed in brilliant sunshine which has succeeded in improving my slightly depressed mood of late. The Côte d’Azur is really one of the most magical places when the sun puts in a long term appearance. This time of year is just perfect.

So though my inactivity has reached an all time high, holidays at home are never the best solution, I must honestly say I feel great, relaxed and at peace with life.

I am a little late this evening for cooking a meal as I spent more time with the two dogs than I had previewed; solitude and an enormous garden to oneself. Nevertheless I have a rosemary and honey sauce reducing on the stove to accompany the duck roasting in the oven.

 

[dpnice]

As my holiday comes to a close I was wondering if I had completely wasted the whole week. But all things considered it has been exactly what I needed; full of small pleasures leaving me relaxed and at peace with myself.

I am well aware of the importance the good weather has played in this feeling of calm. Since Tuesday it has been perfect allowing me to appreciate once again having the garden to myself and the pleasures of settling down on the terrace with a glass of wine letting the evenings pass by in quiet reflection.

For some reason I suddenly had the urge to cook this evening and though it is slightly late for a meal I have made ice cream, have a chocolate cake cooling in the kitchen and a curried meat loaf cooking in the oven. Simple pleasures lacking the excitement of a Saturday night out yet exactly what I need.

Back to work tomorrow to clean all the silver and brass. Monday there is the shopping to do and Wednesday the outside to clean up. Then with the return of Madame on Thursday it is once again back to work seriously. What is pleasant is knowing that I still have several evenings alone before me.

Honestly I would like to be able to share them with someone yet not for my own pleasure but rather for theirs. Strange isn’t it that solitude can become so attractive that finally breaking it would be to bring pleasure to someone else rather than an escape for oneself.

 

[dpnice]

Naturally once again there is no world shattering news to share, no excitement or intellectual gems to proffer. But it is my life and I don’t think it is really necessary to apologise that it is bordering on the non-existent.

Pleased that I finished all the silver and brass today. I always forget that there is so much stashed away in the villa.

First mosquito of the year flattened this evening; unfortunately after it had bitten me.

I have a huge pan of bolognaise bubbling on the stove, enough to feed an army. I am pleased with myself as I am managing to feed myself well for several days with a 700grm pack of minced beef that I brought on promotion. Little things please little minds.

The dogs went crazy whilst being walked this evening; we came across 3 cats sitting calmly on the other side of some railings. It is not easy controlling two hysteric Retrievers.

Evening in front of the television as there is a film with a vaguely homosexual theme that I want to watch. I will probably iron at the same time to kill two birds with one stone.

God I must do something with my life; I can’t believe that I am happy and content whilst living what most would consider the epitome of boredom.