dpnice - Archived Blog Posts

[dpnice]

No work tonight; in fact no work for the next three, perhaps four, days. All thanks to the hunting season. Just goes to prove that your ideals are not so important when you benefit from someone else doing something of which you neither understand their enjoyment or interest, nor agree with the activity.

Obviously the next three days will be spent finishing installing the kitchen so tonight I should be doing something worthwhile. Instead I have this longing to vegetate in front of the television doing absolutely nothing. There are four films I want to see but the thought of getting in the car and driving to town is too much of an effort.

This is one of the major dangers of a solitary life, when lethargy sets in there is no one around to stimulate you and force you to do something.

So even knowing that I should motivate myself I have thrown a pizza in the oven and will probably spend the rest of the evening catching up on life on JUB.

I suppose it could be worse as I could just be sitting staring into space, doing nothing and thinking nothing.

 

[dpnice]

I want my previous life back. I want to return to sitting on my terrace hour after hour gazing out to sea whilst life passes me by. I want to find myself once more with no commitments, appointments I have to keep or lists of jobs that I have to do in a set order to ensure that everything is done correctly. I want to leave the villa wearing decent clothes instead of dashing out at 6hr in the morning dressed in paint-stained dirty jeans and an old tee-shirt driving into town hoping the entire journey that I manage to find a parking space not too far from my studio. I want this studio finished, rented and no longer a weight hanging over my head.

I can honestly say that I have not achieved one moment of pleasure whilst redecorating and installing the kitchen. Yes it is looking good but even so……….

I shouldn’t complain too much as the end is in view; I have just a few finishing jobs to do. The worst and most difficult is done. With just the electrician and the plumber to be organised I should then be able to put it on the market for renting.

I have been lucky in that with madame’s frequent absences I have had two whole days most weeks to get things done. But as often seems to happen, when she has organised to be away for a reasonable amount of time the time she is in residence is filled with guests and multiple dinners.

I am exhausted trying to keep up with work at the villa and dashing over to my studio to work there. I want time to myself; how my once boring, empty little life seems attractive at the moment.

I have to keep reminding myself that though the studio is nearly finished I still have the other one, which is now empty, to clean, redecorate and get fit for renting. Subsequently I have to manage somehow to find the time to organise that.

I have made myself a firm promise that if ever I put myself in a similar situation it will only be if I have sufficient money to pay someone to do all the work. Never again do I want to be obliged to renovate another place myself.

Right enough of this self pity and whining I must go and get the evening meal going; veal in mustard is awaiting to be prepared and cooked.

 

[dpnice]

Now is complaining about life and what it delivers an inherent part of human nature? I pose this question as I am slightly concerned that in fact I complain about all those small problems we have to deal with a little too frequently. It does make it seem as though I am always looking on the negative side rather than concentrating on the many positive aspects of my quiet little life. Possibly I don’t even really take the complaining to heart but use it just as a means of making a comment on something that annoys me.

With my rapidly approaching birthday I have been complaining about, yet again, being obliged to work on the day; something that I have always tried to avoid doing. For me everyone should have one special day in the year which is dedicated to them and their desires and pleasures. For me it has always been my birthday.

So the negative aspects of this are that I shall be up at dawn to clear up from the previous evening as we have guests. Then there is breakfast to prepare. There are six for dinner and it seems that the cook can’t cope on his own so I am required to return to lay the table and serve the meal. I might add that when I am on my own I do the cooking, cleaning and cope with everything. (Perhaps this is the reason madame keeps me and thinks I am so perfectly suited to the job.)

The positive side is that madame is willing to pay for me to have lunch at a restaurant of my choice, price being no problem. Now the dilemma that I have is deciding if it is worth going out for an expensive, gastronomique lunch with the obligation to work before and after. With the accompanying bottle of wine I shall definitely have to include taxi fares in that.

As often as I complain about things I am also able to find the pleasure in doing something I would rather not be doing. I shall probably open a bottle of champagne as soon as I awake and do the cleaning, etc. with a flute close at hand; perhaps even a few chocolates. Strange thing to do at 7hr in the morning but possibly an amusing way of making the morning more special. Then I will return to serve dinner dressed to the nines, something that I enjoy doing now and again.

Pasta and salmon for dinner this evening; nothing else in the fridge to eat I am afraid.

 

[dpnice]

Slowly but surely a little normality is creeping back into my life and my boring but comforting daily routine is re-establishing itself. Things are still complicated causing me to juggle between work and private life in order to get things done, but at least the end is within sight and by the end of November my life should be back on the rails again.

Holidays are looming and it will be a relief to spend some time on my own without my employers. As generous and undemanding as they are their actions and lack of organisation are succeeding in getting me totally annoyed at the moment. I am incredibly loyal and devoted but there is a limit to my devotion. I suppose in my job you are meant to sacrifice your life completely to your patrons but for me the minute I feel someone is taking me for granted or taking advantage of my loyalty I rebel. Mind you the funny side is that they don’t even notice if I decide not to work as retaliation and spend time for my personal benefits.

Working for a family as a retainer rather than just someone who comes in, works and then goes home is a little particular and I am certain that there are only a few people capable of doing it. Keep thinking of all the advantages I tell myself and that manages be to get over my occasional fits of discontentment.

Well with my 57th year on this earth starting tomorrow I suppose I should be mulling over how I would like to spend the time remaining to me. My retirement seems sorted out so it is just the few years left until I wave madame goodbye and settle into the routine of the really old, with money and things to do.

Tomorrow is still not planned and looks as if I will have to improvise. Whether I shall be free to take myself out for a nice, expensive lunch is still undecided but at least I shall be able to drive into Nice and have a coffee somewhere before returning to serve lunch. If lunch is cancelled then I shall have more room to manoeuvre and do something more suitable to celebrate my birthday.

 

[dpnice]

The birthday was an absolutely uneventful fiasco. I suppose that I only have myself to blame in not insisting that I not work that day. The only way to ensure that the day is filled doing things that give personal pleasure is by being free to organise it oneself. So I now have another year to survive until that one special, for me, day comes back round again.

Finally, though I actually didn’t do much all day, the patrons required my presence throughout the day to aid in preparation for their imminent departure on holiday. Subsequently during the morning and the afternoon I was sent out on errands which, surprisingly was what saved the day.

The weather was perfect, as it knows how to be on the Côte d’Azur in winter. Clear, sunny blue skies but cold enough for me to dress up in my smarter winter clothes. So my working hours consisted of me strolling leisurely around the local town thinking that I looked terrific and receiving some compliments from the shop keepers I know. Then there is always a pretty boy to brighten up this old voyeur’s solitude.

The town council had just finished planting up the town in its winter floral decoration; yellow and mauve pansies everywhere – I have always liked pansies!!!!!!!!!

Even after 20 odd years living here I feel like a tourist when I wander around; it is that feeling you get when you are on holiday walking around a place where the whole cultural behaviour is different to your own. So you see even when you feel that the darkest of clouds are casting shadows over your life you can let in, if you make the effort and change your attitude, a little sunshine to transform what was unsatisfactory into something finally quite pleasant.

 

[dpnice]

I have refrained from recounting my dismal life lately as all that comes to mind is how overworked and housebound I happen to be at this moment in time. With madame’s departure I should be free to spend some time relishing personal pleasures but with the list of things to be done I see little chance of me even finding the time to take my holidays.

With all my days owing, which I believe take priority over holidays, plus the extra workload there is no way I will find time to prepare the villa for their return and take ten days holiday.

Thank goodness a friend is joining me for a few days on Sunday so I will stop and take a break whilst he is here. Though we are likely to be imprisoned here as painters, plumbers and electricians are arriving daily and so complicating my organisation and free time.

This month is proving to be extremely difficult to deal with. I still have the final finishing jobs on my studio to fit in.

Plus the cold has arrived with out any warning. I am so cold I am going to post this and then crawl into bed to get warm.

So please don’t worry if you don’t see my pitiful comments appearing regularly. I am fine just struggling to complete everything. Just think of all the wonderful advantages I have living here and you won’t feel too sorry for me.

 

[dpnice]

Well I thought it was all completed and I could put it on the market for renting. No such luck I am afraid.

The agents visited today with the purpose of putting a rental value on the studio – I don’t know why I deal with this agency as the guy never seems to have anything positive to say. The initial observation was that it was not rentable without the installation of a system of heating both in the main room and in the bathroom. Secondly, being a ground floor apartment which is badly insulated, double glazing could be considered as essential.

So in a few brief moments the rest of my savings is allocated to paying electricians and providing a warm and comfortable nest for someone with a low income. I am regretting this as all the money freely flowing out of my bank account is not really recoverable. The rent will partially repay the mortgage but in no way will it provide an income.

They say keeping active and alert is a means of staying young; I am not so certain about that. Since the departure of madame I have been occupied full time trying to complete all the major tasks and subsequently at the end of the day my energy is drained and I turn into a vegetable slumped in front of the television whilst eating junk food.

The incessant rain of the past few days has finally yielded to our more familiar blue skies and sunshine. Rain is one of the most depressing things in my life – thus the reason for having relocated to the South of France. Sitting on my terrace enveloped by the grey gloom unable to see through the mist shrouding the other side of the bay whilst being deafened by the sound of hammering rain is not one of my pleasures in life.

With John’s presence during a few days I managed to break of work occasional to spend some time with him. He really is the perfect guest; likes to read in bed late and therefore wakes up around 10am leaving me free to leap into action early and get as much done as possible before lunch. Coffee somewhere accompanied by the daily newspaper and his morning is perfect. Lunch followed by an afternoon nap and the crossword keeps him occupied till dinner which is where I make a return as the perfect host.

I took him to two of the most upmarket restaurant possible for dinner one night and lunch the following day. The first was newly opened and excellent apart from the service. The waiters were extremely young and though efficient gave the impression of inexperience and of just filling in between doing their homework and going to bed.

The second cost me an absolute fortune but was worth every euro. A panoramic view of the coast, a decoration expressing the absolute in luxury and money and a multitude of staff to serve us. The food was really exquisite though a little over elaborated. Each course consisted of several plates on which were enthroned the different parts of the dish; each complimentary but cooked and presented in a different manner.

Just to give you an idea: the main course was partridge; we were served the breast with a divine sauce and a sculptured vegetable, alongside was the leg on a separate plate with a different but equally divine sauce and a second elaborately formed vegetable, remember candyfloss, well there was, on a third plate naturally, something resembling this but made with parmesan cheese and sugar, finally not to waste the cooking juices they found place on the table to pose a large wine glass full of partridge and foie gras in jelly topped by a mousse of corn and cream.

The menu was accompanied by their selection of wine which satisfied all my needs as I was incapable of choosing from a wine list where the cheapest bottles were priced at nearly my annual salary.

I deserve to be rich even though I am not. Few people know how to appreciate such luxury, either taking it for granted or being absolutely traumatized by it. It is a rare pleasure that I really adore and though would be quite happy to partake alone I was overjoyed to share it with John.

Though ex lovers we have nothing in common, neither the same level of education, nor political understanding, nor general knowledge; yet the moment we are together there is some chemistry which allows us to fight, argue, laugh and wallow in being in each others company. I don’t think I can even remember a minute’s silence when I have been with him in all the years I have known him..

If you ever wonder what real friendship is I will tell you about ours and its 36 rich and rewarding years.

Well that brings me up to date. Sorry I was absent for so long. I may just have a little brie and an apple this evening there is no way I can find the enthusiasm to spend the next hour in the kitchen.

 

[dpnice]

The first few days of this week are being spent driving the Mercedes backwards and forwards between the villa and Monaco. Apart from the anxiety this always evokes it is reasonably pleasant. It is an excuse to dress up a little, driving along the coastal road is always a pleasure and it fills up at least the morning giving me the impression that I have at least worked half a day.

One replacement window screen, a repainted front bumper and a service for the porch and I can cross them of my list as done.

Of course I should be taking my holidays at the moment but unfortunately nothing is yet finished and every time I remove an item from the list of things to do I find myself adding two others. Isn’t that always the case?

I have always kept lists and I am not certain whether, in fact, it is a good way to organise one’s life. You find that the list is never completely done and at no moment in one’s life is there a time when there is no list because every thing is completed. I am not obsessive in that I do not follow the order of things, nor do I refuse to do something until the item above it finished completely. I constantly tell myself that they are not necessary but then if they aren’t kept in a written form I would be interminably constructing them in my head.

Tonight I must find the energy to cook so I have removed a block of beef from the freezer and plan on making a large quantity of bolognaise sauce.

I bet you are wondering if “make bolognaise sauce” appears somewhere on one of my lists!

 

[dpnice]

For all those who have ever thought I was a heartless swine, after my visit to the cardiologue last night I now have proof I have a heart which is in perfect working order; colour pictures and a recording of it pumping away. I wasn’t prepared for the slurping noise it made rather than the romantic thumping we are more accustomed to hearing.

Next week I have an examination of my arteries seeing that my history as a heavy smoker worries the doctor. I have a bizarre diet to follow before hand to eliminate all risk of flatulence, which can distort the readings. For two days I am obliged to eat the strangest combination of meals; though worst of all is no café, fruit or milk.

His manner of telling me that all was fine with my heart gave me the impression that he was actually annoyed that a heavy and long term smoker should be in such good health. In fact when I last had a chest x-ray my doctor also seemed put out that it was perfectly clear with no suspect signs.

Still working like a slave but I have reached the stage where good sense is taking over from my maniacal need to have every thing perfect. I have split my list into two – those things essential and those things I can do later on. Subsequently I shall be taking next week off and allowing myself some time to do that which gives me pleasure. I have missed a great number of film releases so I want to catch up with that. A few quiet meals in a restaurant watching the world go by are also on the cards.

“Stomp” is finally coming to Nice and excitedly I decided to try and book a ticket only to find out that it is no longer an all male cast. This rather takes away the homo-erotic aspect of it so I decided not to bother.

Had a weird meal this evening as I couldn’t be bothered to cook; this is getting to be a frequent occurrence; something I must watch doesn’t establish itself as normal. Anyway the meal consisted of pizza, cheese, an apple and crackers finished of by half a box of chocolates!

The joys of being single, old and skinny.

 

[dpnice]

I actually managed to finish the last item on my list yesterday and obviously made a new one including everything left to do. This second list ended up twice as long as the original so I divided this one up as well according to those things to do just before madame’s return and those to do later on this month.


Clean pool house and outside furniture
Clean cars and sweep parking
Sort out Christmas decorations
Collect dry cleaning
Wipe down all interior surfaces
Arrange flowers and buy fruit
Supermarket and montly supplies
Wipe down all interior surfaces

Buy ashtrays
Clean silver
Order delivery of mineral water
Wash glasses
Clean cellar floors
Clean chandeliers
Clean silver table ware
Clean silver cutlery
Have conservatory windows cleaned
Repair store in salon
Buy bed for spare bedroom
Plomber to repair shower
Re-upholster stools
Replace joints on refrigerater
Regulation of heating boiler


Now this may well seem easily done and perhaps in an ordinary household it would be but then ordinary households don’t have three cars, require 180 bottles of mineral water for the month and which have to be carried down three flights to be stored in the wine cellar, nor do the have four enormous crystal chandeliers to clean. We have five different sets of glasses each with 72 glasses which makes 360 to wash and polish not forgetting all the glasses behind the bar. I might add that we have cutlery for 18 people and each place setting consists of twelve pieces.

Arranging the flowers sounds an extremely pleasant pastime and admittedly it is something I enjoy doing but, I have three enormously large arrangements to do which takes several hours and no matter how much I enjoy doing it I don’t have those hours free.

The supermarket, as tedious as they are, is reasonably enjoyable as I spend most of the time eyeing up all the handsome young men. Again it is not a job that is extremely onerous, just boring and embarrassing. This takes the morning as I buy in enough cleaning products to last the whole month and someone in the queue always queries the quantity of washing powder, etc. stacked high in my trolley.

So life as a maître d’hôtel is not at all strenuous, nor taxing, nor does it require intelligence just perseverance and the ability to juggle things in order to find the time to do everything.

As guilty as I am feeling about the state of the villa I have still decided not to work this week; well that is until the guilt factor builds up enough to outweigh the pleasure of being free from work. Let’s hope this doesn’t happen until Friday.

 

[dpnice]

Being an absolute maniac about my work I rather got carried away in my last entry. I had had no intention of writing about work but rather about today.

I awoke late this morning; the joys of switching of the alarm and turning over to fall asleep again. This is an incredibly rare occurrence for me. The one problem with starting the day late is that little of the morning remains to get things done. I at least managed to get the car washed and pay my salary into the bank.

I awoke to a gale blowing and the wind had swept the sky clear of all clouds and the mountains of every wisp of mist. Everything was absolutely crystal clear giving the impression that you could reach out and touch the buildings across the bay. The details on the mountains were so visible it provided one of the most beautiful sights I have seen. This is why you will never see me returning to England I could never give up the splendour found here on the Côte d’Azur.

Even whilst waiting for the car wash to finish I was submerged by the breathtaking view across Nice; the town and its high rises in the foreground, these giving way to the private villas and villages on the higher ground and finally the encircling mountains rising above everything. It was just so clear; it is incredible how different everything seems when the weather changes.

I really should have taken myself out this afternoon but then it is such a pleasure to spread out on the sofa with the cat curled up in my arms and sleep away a couple of hours.

The only black cloud in my programme is the fact that I can’t take myself out to a restaurant because of the diet I am meant to be following prior to my examination on Wednesday. It really is a “third world” diet; rice and a little fish for two days; that I can survive, in fact I could quite easily not eat for two days but no café, tea or gaseous drinks. I cheated today but tomorrow how on earth am I going to survive?

I am taking myself off to the cinema tonight to see the new Walt Disney. But before doing that I will go and cook my bowl of rice and pour myself a glass of water.

 

[dpnice]

I understood that I couldn’t eat or drink prior to my appointment with the cardiologue but not the interdiction to smoke. These restrictions obliged me to get out of bed with just sufficient time to shower, dress and drive to the clinic – but the absence of caffeine and nicotine really did stress me out enormously. Obviously the first thing I did on leaving the place was light up a cigarette and stop at the first café for my morning dose.

I am 100% certain that there was a gleam of pleasure in his expression when he announced the bad news. It gave him the occasion to affirm that as a heavy smoker I was damaging my body. My arteries are showing the first sign of damage due to smoking; so it seems now is the time to stop before it progresses any further.

Now that is going to prove a real dilemma because it is not going to be at all easy to stop. The health problem, surprisingly, isn’t the aspect that concerns me the most; though having my legs amputated due to blocked arteries is certainly sufficient to make me think seriously.

The problem is that all the simple pleasures that remain in my quiet dull life are integral to lighting up a cigarette. The only breaks that I take during the day are to smoke – no cigarette means no breaks. The enjoyment of sitting relaxing on my terrace is completely associated with the enjoyment of smoking. The weight gain is not a real problem but will mean watching my calorie intake and thus avoiding all the foods I like. Exercise is impossible as there is no way I can find the time to fit in an hour of strenuous effort to burn of extra calories.

Finally I am going to have to evaluate the advantages of not smoking and find solutions to replace the pleasures it provides. In fact it means rethinking my whole life, habits and pleasures. Changing your way of life after 40 odd years is possibly one of the most difficult things one has to do.

Being single and without family means that I have little pressure to stay healthy for the sake of loved ones so it is obvious that if I am not scared of the effects of smoking on my body that I must find other reasons. Such reasons are evidently not as forceful and the motivation they provide not as strong. The amount of money it costs is a good reason except that I can afford it and though the money saved would be welcome it is not essential to keeping up my standards of living. I detest my flat and car smelling of stale cigarettes but then deodorants and perfumes exist to mask this.

So for this month my preoccupation is going to be revolving around how to establish new routines and habits to allow me to find the courage and effort necessary to finally rid myself of something I have enjoyed doing for the major part of my life. Wish me luck!

 

[dpnice]

Back into the swing of life’s routine now that madame has returned. To day has been a quiet day for me, I even managed an afternoon break of five hours. Basically it is the last day before I throw myself into the turmoil of preparing for the Christmas celebrations.

I like to get everything worked out in my head first, how to decorate the house, what sort of table decorations I will do and listing (yes another list) all the things I must do before the guests arrive. Once I have images in my head it all seems so much easier.

So I bought the Christmas tree today. I had the gardeners help me to place it in the large salon, well 3 metres weighs a ton. This is always an anxious moment as I now await madame’s verdict about it; too tall, not enough branches, too wide.

She will be absent for a few days before Christmas so I have time to relax and prepare myself for working solidly during several days. I have managed to buy my Christmas clothes; my dress outfit for serving the main meal. When ever I feel well dressed it marks the occasion for me and then I don’t really mind that I am working. Anyway after 11 years they treat me as a part of the family so I am not exactly ignored whilst they are eating and I am serving.

Then she has decided not to spend the New Year here leaving me free to invite some friends over to join me.

Preparation for stopping smoking has started; I am slowly sorting out my new routines and habits. I am seeing the doctor next week for my prescription, Zyban helped enormously last time. The fatal date is chosen.

4th January 2008

 

[dpnice]

I am gay, I am supposed to decorate the villa extravagantly, it is in my nature. So why can’t madame understand this? But it seems that huge golden bows and rows of sparkling beads are not appreciated this year.

I do actually have a free hand in decorating all the rooms; madame just comes around later and gives her opinion; I smile with that look on my face that says “I have just spent all the morning doing this and now you want me to change it all”. Thankfully the Christmas tree was a success, right height, correct diameter and acceptably well furnished with branches. Except that my angel, who I have placed on the top of every tree I have ever decorated, gave the impression, according to madame, that the tree had been amputated. I actually had to go and get the part I had cut off from the dustbin and stick it back on. We now have a boring old golden star stuck on the top.

But it is a pleasure, a pleasure mixed with anxiety that it will all be appreciated and done in time; but nevertheless a pleasure. Surprisingly all the festive preparation is one of the moments I enjoy the most even though it is also one of the most exhausting times. The fact that I am doing it all for someone else’s enjoyment makes absolutely no difference. It is Christmas, decorating the tree puts me in a good mood and fills me with that wonderful feeling everyone should have at this time of year.

The fact that I will get no presents and will be working 20 hours a day doesn’t seem to matter.

At the end of my 14 hour day I retreat downstairs exhausted but contented with all I have achieved, the anxiety is constant but quite healthy, keeping one on one’s toes and motivating one towards completion.

This year seems as though it will be perfect in that madame will be absent for a few days just before the celebrations and then leaves again to spend the New Year elsewhere. I had great difficulty in controlling my rather too obvious burst of joy. But two minutes later I was on the computer organising friends to come over from England to join me for the New Year.

 

[dpnice]

It really is not the evening for driving into Nice to the cinema. Outside is freezing cold; I need to wear a coat whilst smoking a cigarette on the terrace, whereas it is toasty warm here in front of the computer. So though madame is absent and I have the evening free I have convinced myself that I would gain absolutely no pleasure by going out this evening. Subsequently I can pour myself a second whisky as I shall not be driving.

My next few days are timetabled to the minute to ensure that everything gets done for her return on Friday. I really do need to take time for myself or I will begin to feel frustrated and loose all my Christmas spirit. So I have planned in a few hours each day for those simple pleasurable activities I enjoy. A visit to the flower market combining the need to buy flowers for the villa and the personal pleasure of wandering around mingling with the crowd followed by a steamy hot chocolate before heading home. Strolling around the Christmas market searching out ideas for the decorations here. Perhaps some shopping to extend the wardrobe of clothes that I, in fact, hardly ever have the time to wear.

I still have some final things to organise before the new studio goes on the market – installing a couple of radiators for one thing; with this cold spell it might well be an important element in someone’s decision to rent the place. Due to the lack of time I have decided just to accept the extra costs and get a builder/electrician to do all the work. I am finding that I can afford the two mortgage repayments if I save and spend less each month so the motivation to get the place rented has some what evaporated.

I spent today cleaning the table ware for the Christmas meals. The silver cutlery is shining like new, the glass ware crystal clean and the china all impeccable. It amuses madame to see me laying the table wearing cotton gloves – if she knew the trouble I had gone to ensuring everything was pristine she would understand the reason for wearing them.

All the hard fiddly work of decorating is done leaving me just the finishing touches and the flowers to do at the end of the week. So a good cleanup inside, the cars to wash and the outside to tidy up a bit and everything should be finished by Friday. All this work for just a few days of celebrations it does make one wonder if it is all worthwhile. Still that is what she pays me this enormous salary for so I will put complaining to the back of my mind and get on with a smile on my face.

Obviously there is the doctor’s appointment to fit in and thus beginning the preparation for stopping smoking on the 4th. I am managing to change my routine without too many anxieties; simple things like showering before the first cigarette of the day, not smoking unless I come downstairs and hide and finally, in this cold weather probably the worst of all, only smoking outside.

In fact it is not the cigarettes that I am missing but all the small rituals and moments of relaxation that accompany them. Still I feel determined and it does seem the right moment to stop.

So there you are, you now have an insight into my simple, ordinary and certainly unexciting life. But then does it matter how you spend your time if you spend it with a smile on your face, enjoy what you are doing and feel that finally it has all been done to the best of your abilities?

 

[dpnice]

I find it incredible that even when allocating two days to my own personal life that work and its obligations manage to insinuate themselves into everything I do. Even when occupied with the simplest of things I realise that I am planning out something for work or considering if something would be suitable for madame.

I suppose it is the fact that working for a family is not at all a job but more a way of life. I realise that madame’s way of life has in fact become part of my own. As her desires and needs have infiltrated my way of thinking so have my tastes, enthusiasms and skills become essential to my job. My capability to assume all and achieve satisfactorily every varied aspect of my job has somehow become one of the major pleasures in my life.

Surprisingly though my personal and professional lives have become so obviously intermingled I still manage to be aware of the moment when I need to stop and leave something undone. It is probably this single ability that enables me to commit myself completely without suffering the frustration one experiences when work takes over one’s life.

I think that perhaps I am finally really coming to terms with my life and the way it has developed. My self-imposed solitude of which I have always been slightly ashamed now seems something to be valued and safe guarded. I know that I am capable of sharing, with a great deal of pleasure, moments and my time with close friends so have no fears of this solitude being a negative influence on my character. I think I am finally finding the peace and pleasure in my life where the future doesn’t seem so unknown and dismal.

Perhaps this amalgam of thoughts and emotions is the result of my attempts to change my daily habits in preparation for stopping smoking. Whatever, it all seems quite positive.

Today for the first time I experienced a real pleasure at the thought that soon I would be a non-smoker. No one reason is predominant in my desire to stop instead the accumulation of numerous reasons seems to provide the necessary motivation.

 

[dpnice]

Obviously there are millions of people around the world all preparing for Christmas but I am certain that they aren’t all working 13hrs a day to get everything done in time. Though perhaps they are as they will have the cooking to do as well as all the rest.

The villa is finally decorated leaving me with just the flower arrangements to do. Sounds a pleasant relaxing job to keep me occupied tomorrow; except that I have seven of them to do and each one measures about a metre wide. My terrace is cluttered with dustbins full of water and overflowing with roses, lilies and foliage, whilst the table is heaped high with evergreens and branches sprayed gold.

Obviously it is not the only thing I have to do tomorrow; there remains the windows to clean and the silver ware that I haven’t yet cleaned. All this has to be completed by the evening when madame returns – I am expecting those gasps of surprise from her when she sees everything decorated in golds, greens and reds. Woe betide if there is no reaction to all my efforts.

So tomorrow is timetabled down to the minute with a list of the order in which everything has to be done. Starting by cleaning the silver as it is still dark until 8hrs after which I can start the windows and on finishing them continue with the flowers, returning to the silver when it gets dark at 17hr. So if anything goes wrong tomorrow I will not have time to deal with it.

Simple things like the chamber maid slamming madame’s bedroom door which caused the key to turn and lock itself from the inside. Imagine madame returning and being unable to get into her bedroom. So frantic calls to locksmiths and to monsieur as it seems the lock is coded and can’t be replaced took up too much of my time today. Now I don’t dare shut the door just in case.

I should have started my course of Champix today but with the amount of stress I am suffering I decided it wasn’t a very good day to start – is it ever when you want to give up smoking. So I have set the final date as Sunday; everything will be done and I will have the time to think about my own needs again.

 

[dpnice]

Allocating all of your waking hours to working to the detriment of your personal life is fine until you have that first day free and have to catch up on everything. Suddenly everything becomes a priority and though you would have rather lazed around doing nothing you are obliged to occupy yourself dealing with washing, cleaning, unpaid bills, organising appointments and sorting out all those things still undone. And it doesn’t help when once again the cook awakes you at 7hr having forgotten to organise having the key.

Well Christmas flashed by reasonably enjoyably even if I was exhausted by the evening of the 25th. So much work for just a few days entertaining I wonder if it was all worth while. I suspect that the decorations and work put in to provide the perfect Christmas were not as appreciated as they should have been. This being due to the fact, in my opinion, that no one was involved in it. Isn’t this the joy of Christmas? Decorating the tree with your family; decorating the house together and then finally relaxing all together to admire the end results.

You can share a glimpse of my Christmas here.

With the departure of madame straight after the festivities I spent considerably less time in taking everything down, packing it into boxes and storing them down in the cellar; though even my rapidity in this task still left me with only one day to prepare for the arrival of my friends and the organisation for celebrating New Year’s Eve.

Dashing to the shops to buy food for the four days they were there, cleaning and preparing their bedroom and finally starting to cook the evening meal were all marred by the central heating boiler breaking down. I was obliged to welcome them at the airport with the dire news that there was no heating and no hot water. Into everyone’s life a little adversity must fall; but why mine when I have guests and more importantly taking away the God given right of a hot shower.

We survived which is more than I can say for the sauce which was to accompany the pheasant I had cooked. It was one of those sauces you leave simmering all day so that from two bottles of red wine it reduces to just a few spoonfuls of sauce. All was going well until the plumber telephoned to see if he could talk me through getting the boiler going. So naturally I take the phone through to the cellar leaving my precious sauce simmering quietly. Just like a kettle won’t boil whilst being watched so a sauce will always burn dry if you are not kneeling worshipfully before it.

I had planned two excellent restaurants for lunches thinking that we could have the cheap lunch time menus. Just my luck that for the first few days of the New Year cheap lunch time menus don’t exist which subsequently burnt a huge hole in my credit card.

Mind you both meals and accompanying wines were exquisite and enjoyed by all.

I am on my fourth cigarette free day. Things are going alright with no stressful physical withdrawal symptoms. But, as over dramatic as it might seem, I find life extremely sad; it is a similar feeling to having lost your closest friend, the person with whom you once shared every aspect of your life and who is no longer there. You are able to accept that you will never see or share a single moment with them again, yet they are in your thoughts constantly.

Well it seems at present that 2008 is not going to be much different to the previous year. I think I am going to hibernate doing nothing until I have a couple of smokeless months behind me; then I can think about new and exciting things to do with all the money and time I have saved.

Best wishes to you all and may 2008 bring you fulfilment and joy in everything you undertake.

 

[dpnice]

Never would I have imagined that I could excavate my profound pit of solitude to even greater depths. Little does one imagine how one’s life is built around smoking and how cigarettes accompany you through every single waking moment of your life. Without them all the joy seems to have vanished from daily life, everything seems pointless and nothing receives its just reward. Even the smallest of pleasures are eradicated from life leaving nothing capable of replacing them.

Life, if you are able to call it living, has deteriorated into a daily routine of working, eating and sleeping. These three activities are done to excess leaving no time free into which the desire for a brief moment of quiet pleasure smoking a single cigarette can insinuate itself. So life becomes empty of all interest, of all social interaction; enveloping oneself in a thick blanket of loneliness one retreats from the world in order to survive.

The joys of being an ex-smoker, the pride in overcoming your dependence, the benefits one gains, the improvements to your health, the wonders of being a new person are all shouted loudly from every single publicity; yet nowhere are all the pleasures that you will be relinquishing enumerated to enable you to weigh the pros and cons of your sacrifice.

Never again will your life be the same. After smoking your last cigarette you pass into a new dimension, a world that didn’t exist but now in which you must succeed in building a new existence, new routines and find new pleasures. But whilst doing this there will always be that memory of another life, a memory waiting silently but ready to awaken the souvenirs of the paradise in which you once lived. A memory that will never be forgotten and will stay with you for the rest of your life; a memory reminding you when you least expect it of the life you have sacrificed and those forbidden pleasures you once enjoyed.

Yet once again the will to participate in life proves stronger than the desire for the relief that my solitude provides and slowly my emergence from the depths begins to take place. Settling down on the terrace of a café and taking the time to drink a cigaretteless coffee whilst watching the world pass by slowly imposes itself as possible, even enjoyable.

The cinema beckons filling up the evenings with the pleasure of loosing myself in an imaginary world, peopled by images of beauty, splendour, excitement and mystery. As I leave the cinema my hands no longer search frantically for the packet of cigarettes, an achievement in itself.

So life really does go on whatever sacrifices or hardships are imposed. It just requires a gigantic effort and an enormous amount of self discipline and will power.

 

[dpnice]

So my former life no longer exists but nothing prevents me from regretting its demise. The past month has been the bridge between the old and the new; the time to decide where I was heading and what would be acceptable in the future. A time to retreat from the world in order to complete my metamorphosis. But into what? Is being a non-smoker sufficient?

I can no longer carry on the way I did, by forbidding one aspect of my ancient way of life the rest of the carefully built edifice tumbles in ruins around me. For example, thirty days have passed during which not once have I walked out onto my terrace to enjoy a moment of quiet relaxation.

My interest in sport and willingness to participate is non-existent, due to the ill intentioned efforts of an old physical education teacher, yet I now find myself obliged to practice some form of physical activity several times a week. Where do I find the time to add that to my programme? The simplest solution is to take a long daily walk accompanied by one of the dogs. I know it sounds delightful and I am certain many would appreciate the occasion to do something similar, but I don’t have the time and the idea of being obliged to do it angers me.

My diet during the last month has been unbelievable. I don’t think that I have cooked a single meal. My daily intake of food has consisted of muesli, Swedish wheat bread and apples. The multiple cups of coffee are a thing of the past whilst sugar and chocolate have been banned from the cupboards. Even so my weight climbs gradually higher and my waist line expands further and further.

Mind you apart from personal vanity I don’t really understand why I am so concerned about that. It is not as if any other living person is going to see me undressed or gasp in horror at the roles of fat overhanging the waist band of my underwear.

So sometimes in life we don’t have the choice. Having gone part of the way towards preparing for a healthier retirement I suppose I might as well go all the way and exercise as well. Who knows I might end up enjoying it.