dpnice - Archived Blog Posts

[dpnice]

Obviously I should be in bed and not glued to the screen of my computer. But my blog updates have been few and far between since giving up smoking that I feel I should be making a little more effort than I have been doing.

I am getting used to sitting at the computer without a cigarette burning alongside me.

Life seems to be supportable with neither nicotine intake nor cigarette habitual gestures syndrome.

The third apartment is finally on the market and seems that rental income will soon be flowing into my bank account. Mind you I have been covering the two mortgages with my savings so I haven’t really been under pressure to get it rented. But the added income will allow me to return to a full savings regime; then if you add the money I am saving each month by not smoking I shall be doing reasonably well.

Well enough to consider holidays as being within my means once again.

I have just spent an hour chatting to a friend in Washington – I didn’t know that you could talk between computers rather than having to type your conversation and then wait for their laboriously slow reply. So we had a great chat catching up, shouting comments to the rest of the family in the background and organising and booking our flights to Costa Rico in August.

Yes finally I am going to fulfil the long held desire to be walking through a tropical rainforest.

Add to this a trip to New York in July and I will have drained my savings accounts for this year.

Okay giving up smoking does have certain advantages – financially at least.

 

[dpnice]

Well I am experiencing all the ups and downs of drug withdrawal symptoms. The highs and the lows, the euphoria and the melancholy, the depression and the hopes of a better future to come. But unfortunately there is one single question which continues to nag me; what are the actual benefits of giving up smoking? At this stage I see none apart from the financial aspect; everything else seems vaguely beneficial but far away in the dim distant future which may actually never happen.

I have caught myself observing smokers whilst thinking they are lucky to be able to continue smoking whilst I have obliged myself to stop. Every time I see someone lighting up after a meal, or with a cup of coffee, or just lighting up for no other reason than the desire to smoke I feel a longing overcome me which is stronger than any other desires I have known.

Well I suppose this is the “cold turkey” aspect of cigarette withdrawal and something that I am going to have to deal with for a few more weeks until life begins to take over again. I just hope that there will be some progress in my ability to live without cigarettes by the end of the third month. I did hesitatingly adventure into the kitchen yesterday and cook myself a real meal for the first time since I stopped smoking.

Mind you in opposition to that small success I stayed in bed until 14hrs today and finally had to force myself to get up and go out for a long walk to clear my mind and sort out my thoughts. Sleeping so much is dangerous in my opinion as it forebodes a state of extreme depression; yet it seems the only alternative to me at present.

So the battle continues, not as easy as I had hoped it would be but winnable if I can manage to learn to live without the pleasure of having a cigarette burning alongside me.

 

[dpnice]

Well life continues and if I am to be honest I am feeling reasonably well. Yet I am extremely worried about the time I am spending sleeping which is obviously a means of escape from the emptiness of life at present.

Madame left for a few days yesterday and within an hour of her depart I was spread out on the sofa with the cat stretched out in my arms only to wake up six hours later. Now I consider having an afternoon nap not at all noxious and essential as far as the cat is concerned; it is our great moment of communion. But doing something to excess is in my opinion dangerous and forebodes no good.

Subsequently I pulled myself together this morning and commenced my exercise programme. Crawling out of bed at six in the morning to go for a brisk, even strenuous walk, is not my ideal way to start the day, but it seems that this is now essential to my well being. I started whilst it was still dark in order to have the pleasure of seeing the world waking up. Pleasure indeed! I was feeling sick within the first few minutes, my eyes were permanently glued to the ground so I didn’t trip and the only thought meandering in my head was the image of a cup of coffee and a cigarette when I got home.

My concern over my physical wellbeing has never been a priority in my life. I am tall and thin, which is ideal for wearing classic clothes, with an ordinary to unattractive face which established from an early age that I wasn’t going to be the person to whom everyone was going to be attracted. So there was never any real reason to make any superficial improvements. Now to be forced into physical activity goes completely against the grain. Still if I gain too much weight around my waist I am going to have to throw out all my trousers and that I can’t bear doing nor can I afford their replacement.

Obviously vanity has its positive side.

 

[dpnice]

Once upon a time my days were punctuated by short moments when I sat down with a cup of coffee and relaxed. A few short minutes, at the end of a period of hard work, as a form of reward for having finished. A time during which I could start planning what was still left to do.

Now I sit, coffee close at hand and await the pleasure that never arrives. It all just seems a waste of time if unaccompanied by a cigarette, time that would be better spent doing something else.

I feel deprived of my pleasure, of my rewarding moments.

Is it really worthwhile stopping smoking? Oh I know it can kill you in the end or at least provide some unpleasant side effects, but all this is in the future and not actually 100% definite.

Well I am two months into my battle of becoming a non-smoker so we might as well continue for the next month. I wonder if it is the medication that is messing up reactions and attitudes.

I can tell you that I am not going to be one of those smug ex-smokers snidely encouraging others to follow my example. I shall be there quietly admiring their courage to continue.

 

[dpnice]

My appointment with the doctor was the only reason for leaving home today. Now that I am back again I have no other intention than to stay here lazing around. It is cloudy and dull outside, not at all Côte d’Azur weather. I have planned bread, fruit and cheese for lunch and a long snooze for the afternoon.

I shouldn’t be spending what little free time I have doing nothing nor should I be sleeping away the afternoons. But, like everyone else, I do things I know I shouldn’t be doing and waste valuable time. At present I am telling myself, or perhaps I am trying to convince myself, that I am only two months in to giving up an addiction that I have lived with for over 40 yrs so I can’t expect miracle changes quite yet.

So perhaps my enforced hibernation is not such a bad thing in the end. My doctor is not too concerned as long as I don’t feel depressed she seemed okay about. Her suggestion is to go for a long walk before taking a nap and in that way I get my exercise, automatically the afternoon nap is shorter and I should feel better about life, the universe and everything.

I might add that by lying in bed late this morning I awoke after having both the weirdest and nicest dream I have remembered for quite a long time. Someone with whom I have been besotted over the past 11 yrs (yes even at my age you can have crushes, the difference being we see them for what they are) was leaning over my shoulder with his arms around me and his hands caressing my chest. I could smell the perfume from his hair and feel it brushing against my cheek. I knew he was smiling though I couldn’t see his face. It was incredibly intimate which made it even stranger that his wife was sitting alongside me. The other parts of the dream were equally vivid but obviously I am cherishing that moment over all the others.

 

[dpnice]

How pleasant, one of my rare weekends when I am not working. Madame is absent until Tuesday evening leaving me free to occupy myself with my personal life. So here I am still in my dressing gown fiddling about with mundane tasks while the cat follows me around content to have some company for a change.

I can manage to type whilst he is enthroned on my lap but it is extremely difficult to change the sheets with him stubbornly installed on the middle of the bed. Push him off, turn your back to get the sheets and there he is once again prepared to sink his teeth and claws in my hands if I dare try to displace him.

Talking of animals I have also just spent an hour tearing cooked chickens to pieces. One of the dogs, the great dane, is quite ill with leishmaneose a sort of canine malaria. Apart from the six pills she has to take every day and the occasional months where I have to administer daily injections when she is really bad she is fine most of the time. But she has once again stopped eating and the only food she will accept is chicken, thus obliging me to cook quantities of chickens, cut up and bag the meat which then goes into the freezer to have enough in advance. The problem with her being a large dog means that she gets through a chicken a day.

The cost of the treatment, the veterinary charges and the cost of a monthly analyse, plus their food, means that these dogs, we have three, now cost substantially more each month than my salary.

I braved the traffic in town, it is the carnival in Nice at present, and went to the cinema yesterday; went to see Daniel Day Lewis. I have a list of five films I want to see before madame’s return but with town partially blocked off for the carnival parades I am no sure I have the courage to attempt driving into Nice. I honestly avoid carnival like the plague, having no interest in it.

Well perhaps it is time to take a shower and get dressed in order to do something with this Sunday. Restaurant, walk around the cap, morning showing at the cinema or sit and plan out my trip to Costa Rica. I am spoiled for choice yet have no desire to anything today.

God I could kill for a cigarette at the moment. When oh when will I be able to spend a whole day without thinking about them?

 

[dpnice]

I have been seriously wondering where my life is heading, if in fact it is going anywhere at all. As firm as my intention is not to start smoking again I can’t help wondering why on earth I made this decision when I had absolutely no desire to give up.

The one solace is that as miserable and as absent of any aims or interest my life seems to be at present I really can’t expect to wipe out 40yrs of addictive behaviour in only two months. Subsequently I battle on keeping that important thought; I will succeed, ringing constantly in the back of my mind.

I would say that I am calm and in a reasonably good frame of mind. But despite this and despite having spent a quiet and pleasant evening, candles lit, a glass of whisky and a plate of pasta, I know that I am on a knife edge at the moment. For the first time since giving up I can feel the tension building up in me and the need to explode is not too far below the surface.

Last night I really did loose control and mercifully I was alone. Over some ridiculously trivial annoyance I actually lost my temper and let free the most violent of rage. I now have fewer coffee cups than before and several chips missing from the door. The worst, and sobering action, was finding myself with the kitchen knife in my hand looking around for a means of causing the ultimate damage possible.

I have controlled my temper ever since school days as I know how dangerous I can be once I let my anger take control; limits just no longer exist. Thus the reason why I tend to walk away from certain situations or let the other person have the last word in an argument. Last night was the first time the furnace door had really been opened wide in over 40yrs.

Possibly my isolation at this moment in time is not a good thing, but that can’t be changed now and I am just going to have to cope with it. Perhaps I should just accept the miserable nature of life at the moment and stop feeling guilty at having nothing to offer. Not to let it bother me that I have done nothing apart from sleep and work. There will be time in the future to pick up life again once I have managed to survive with out cigarettes.

I could just as easily write a long list of all those things I know that I should be doing but they would all be obligations at the moment. Doing them would not be a choice I made for the pleasure of doing them but rather something I am forced to do to help me give up smoking.

It really is not the battle against the physical dependence on nicotine that is the problem in giving up it is finding the way to live without all those activities so deeply linked with lighting up.

On a lighter note; thank goodness I no longer have sex as the thought of not lighting up a cigarette after that really does make suicide seem a happier solution.

 

[dpnice]

I do wonder if I am purposely creating a daily life where all I do is vegetate in order to justify failing to give up smoking. Is it possible that subconsciously I feel the need to be able to provide confirmation that my life is not worth living without cigarettes and that subsequently smoking is the lesser of two evils?

If this is the case then I am not really certain that it will succeed as I also seem to be accepting a miserable, uneventful life as a real alternative to smoking.

I have been seriously considering consulting a hypnotist with the aim of perhaps finding a method to avoid my thoughts being constantly about the fact that I can no longer smoke. Obviously it has only been two months since I stopped but then the fear that I am going to spend the rest of my life unable to stop thinking about smoking and the pleasure it would bring is worrying me slightly.

Madame has just left on an impromptu holiday just until the end of the month. Obviously we had no warning and suddenly I find myself with 10 days of vacation and nothing organised. As to be expected all the cheap fares to be found on Internet are not so cheap when you need to book at the last minute. But I managed to stimulate myself sufficiently to sort something out.

So I am off to beautiful Prague for 5 days. Due to flights I am actually only there for three complete days as I couldn’t manage an early arrival and late departure; in fact I arrive late in the evening and leave early in the morning – the worst situation. Still in three days I should be able to get to see quite a lot of the place as long as I am well organised.

I am often quite anxious about arriving somewhere on my own due, I expect, to the possible problems linked to not speaking the language. Well in Prague I am not going to even have a hope of guessing what something means. Plus the pressure of being in an unknown place without the support of cigarettes has upped my level of nervousness.

Still it is a place I have always wanted to visit; architecturally it looks spectacular – just doing a search for images I was enchanted by the place. Plus I think it is a good idea for me to get away for a few days and show myself that I can cope and that life in fact does and can go on without cigarettes.

 

[dpnice]

Now do I have a problem or not?
Today has been a day of complete inaction shared between the bed, the settee, the computer and the television. Staying in bed until mid-day can be considered a luxury that I can seldom allow myself yet today it seemed unhealthy doing it. Spending three hours sleeping after having rustled up something to eat also doesn’t seem exactly normal.

Wandering between the computer and watching television has taken up the rest of my waking hours. This has not exactly been worthwhile as it has all rather been a zombie type of interrelation with the two media.

Add to this the fact that since my awakening I have not taken a shower and remain clothed in my dressing gown and it may possibly be that I am suffering an in-depth depression.

It seems that this is one of those “snap out of it” situations. I can’t believe that I am doing all this subconsciously or purposefully to allow myself to start smoking again.

Well they say that you are half way to being cured if you understand the reasoning behind a type of behaviour so perhaps I shouldn’t be worried. Possibly I just need a little patience to live through this stage of my life.

Right I am going to force myself to take a shower and get dressed. I daren’t go out as I am slightly worried I will drive straight to the tobacconist and buy a packet of cigarettes.

This old hermit really needs to recover his enjoyment in life.

 

[dpnice]

Today was not an enormous change from yesterday, but at least it did show a slight improvement in my outlook on life and enthusiasm to activate myself.

Even with the alarm set for 6hr I managed to rest in bed until mid-day vaguely watching each hour pass by. Eventually life kicked in and showering and dressed enabled me to start the day, even though much later than I had intended.

So my afternoon and early evening have been spent organising my final arrangements for Prague. I am being picked up at the airport by a private car; the price was so ridiculous it seemed stupid to battle with public transport to get to the hotel. The restaurant for the first evening is booked; it seems as though that will cost me a fortune but nothing like starting in the style I intend to continue. I have a list of all the 4-star restaurants within walking distance of the hotel. I may be dining in lonely splendour but at least I should be enjoying every mouthful.

The daily excursions are loosely planned leaving me free to change plans once I arrive and see the possibilities or change ideas according to what I see. On the whole I have planned being outside walking with the occasional exploration of an historical monument.

I now have to decide on what clothes to take. Being in town means I can dress up most of the time.

One point to make me worry – they are forecasting snow!!!!!! Now this is much better than rain but imagine leaving the sun found here in the South of France to land somewhere covered with snow; snow is something that I haven’t seen for several years.

 

[dpnice]

Well yesterday was not a great improvement, in fact though I didn’t spend the whole day sleeping, it was, nevertheless a day without aims or achievements. Lethargy seems to have settled down comfortably in my life.

At least today I am up and about early and overflowing with good intentions.

Just checked the weather forecast for Prague to find that snow is no longer on the menu having been replaced by rain for the whole time I shall be there. If this is the case I am going to be spending a few miserable days; no cigarettes and soaking wet. I also noticed that the temperatures have dropped. Now they are quoting 5 degrees during the day and falling to negative figures during the night; I don’t think I have experienced a temperature that low since moving to France.

Chin up David! Right there is the flat to tidy and clean, the washing is already in the machine and my packing to do.

Apart from the several interruptions to sort out things upstairs I managed to get everything done. Isn’t it pleasing when you know you have succeeded in what you set out to do, however boring it happens to be.

It is late here now and I really should be in bed but I don’t have an early flight so I have the time to laze in bed a little tomorrow. I just checked the weather for Prague and they are now forecasting heavy snow during my stay.

Hopefully the hotel is comfortable as it looks as though I might be spending most of my time in the lounge staring out of the windows. The idea of meandering around the streets bent double trying to protect my face from the stinging bite of wind blown snow is not my idea of a pleasant holiday.

Well I will let you all know what it was like when I return at the end of the week.

 

[dpnice]

I had hoped that on looking at the weather forecast for Prague this morning that I would find some improvement, but unfortunately heavy snow is the predominant weather during my short stay. I might add that it seems to be accompanied by strong winds.

It reminds me of my childhood battling my way to school in snow storms; I hated it then and with age my desire to experience it has not improved.

Snow is a strange phenomenon. Awaking to find a fresh covering of snow blanketing the surrounding countryside is heart lifting, all sounds muffled and the pristine cleanliness of it all. The childish pleasure of being the first to leave traces of your footprints stating “I was here”. Such pleasures accompany a fall of snow, with large flakes settling all around you reducing the world around you to a dancing wonder.

But add a strong wind to this and all pleasure is wiped out leaving one desire, that of being safely indoors.

Well I have a biography of Oscar Wilde and the souvenirs of Primo Levy from his time in a concentration camp to keep me occupied. I may well buy a couple of other titles in case I end up spending more time inside than exploring the streets.

As I am all packed and really only going around in circles here I may leave early for the airport and waste my time watching the voyagers. I have always enjoyed waiting at an airport, luckily as I do it quite often welcoming madame back from her travels. Emotionally I find it great watching people meeting friends and family, often I have found my heart rising in my throat and hoping to be able to control myself. Plus one mustn’t forget the quantity of attractive looking guys one can muse over.

 

[dpnice]

Out of all the European cities that I have visited Prague must be the most beautiful, but oh was it cold. That cold that leaves your nose red, sore and continually running; that chaps your lips and makes your teeth start to ache; that freezes the ends of your fingers; that seeps slowly and deadly into your bones leaving you feeling that you will never be warm again. Add to this a freezing icy wind swirling heavy falling snow around you leaving you bent double and trying to protect your face and you begin to wonder why you are not still in bed curled up in the warm.

At least I now know why hot chocolate was invented. Not only did it warm my freezing corpse but in the time it took to drink it the weather cleared and the sun came streaming out for a few hours. The daily pattern during my stay was exactly that with late afternoon seeing the sky grow sullen and covered with grey clouds once again.

My last morning a miracle happened; at nine the city was bathed in sunlight and the skies the clearest of blue. For two hours I wandered revisiting squares, monuments and viewpoints that I had only seen under grey skies the previous days. It is a beautiful city in any weather conditions, nothing can change that, but in the warmth of an early morning sun the whole place comes alive and the pleasure is multiplied immeasurably.

Well wrapped up; layers of woollen garments, thermal gloves, a woollen bonnet pulled down over my ears and scarf wound tightly around my throat and face enabled me to endure three days of incessant site seeing. It was only towards the early evening when I could support the cold no longer that I crawled back to my hotel to snuggle into to bed in order to build up the courage to stride out once again to find a restaurant in which to dine.

The ordeal of removing gloves in order to take photographs was insufferable and subsequently the number I took was considerably reduced. You can see them here Prague08.
I returned still a non-smoker but how I missed my cigarettes. Eastern Europe has no restrictions, I could have smoked everywhere. At the airports there were several smoking lounges, in cafes and bars with my coffee, at the end of a delightful meal in a restaurant I could have lit up and appreciated the pleasure it always gave me. Travelling and dining alone can be traumatic and emotionally difficult; obviously smoking had always been a prop, a support to endure being alone, a reason for being somewhere and a time to stop and admire some view or monument. Would smoking have increased the pleasure I gained from being in Prague? Probably not but I would have felt more at ease.

 

[dpnice]

The problem with speaking French daily is that I can no longer remember sufficient superlatives in English to describe the beauty of Prague. Out of all the European cities that I have visited to datePrague is definitely, visually, the most attractive. Architecturally it is outstanding. It is also a real pleasure to explore, either following the guide book or loosing your self in the many narrow allies.

Each of my planned promenades were of approximately one hour yet took at least half of the day; each one took me away from the hotel and finished, to my complete surprise, a few steps away. The maze like streets lead you up and down in circles erasing all sense of direction until suddenly you became aware of both your destination and your present location. Within the first day the church domes and towers became the points of recognition allowing you to locate a position. Most of my time was spent up above the town looking down on the myriad of rooftops and monuments and I was soon retracing my previous walks according to the domes and towers I recognized.

This has always been one of my preferred views of a city – the rooflines. I loose myself quickly in quiet reflection when I have a whole city spread out below me.

Like many medieval towns it is peppered with many small and large squares each being fed by a multitude of tiny streets and each one is, in itself, the perfect stage for an opera. Each square, surrounded as it is by beautiful buildings each more interesting than the precedent, becomes a place from which you are forced to tear yourself away in order to continue. The desire to inhale the evident beauty and loose yourself in the quiet atmosphere present in every square tempts you to spend hours in quiet thought turning in circles on yourself so as not to miss one tiny detail.

The place is small enough to explore in two days and yet leave you thirsting for more time to discover the alleyways that you didn’t have the time to walk down. I thus left the third day to visits. The Palace and a couple of churches were enough of an appetiser to ensure that I will return to visit the other monuments I had left out.

A single art gallery/museum had made its way on my list, I who usually spend 90% of a holiday roaming from one museum to another; the MuchaMuseum. With my awakening awareness, in my teens, of the existence of art his graphic posters of Sarah Bernhardt attracted me and opened my eyes to my appreciation of Art Nouveau. I was unaware that he had produced monumental paintings on the Slav Epic. Now I have something new that I must absolutely see before I am too old to travel.

 

[dpnice]

There was one idyllic moment in Prague when I really regretted that my camera had no more battery. I would have liked to have several images to remind me of a moment of perfect solitude during my stay.

With the final afternoon leaving me free to wander down unexplored streets I came across a wrought iron gate set into an immense wall; an open gateway leading into a large but secluded garden. It was as though time had stopped and whilst holding its breath awaited the signal for the arrival of spring.

Everything was prepared and ready. Each tree was covered with enormous buds at the point of bursting into leaf; bulbs had pushed up and tulips stood proudly to attention wrapped in green awaiting the moment to burst into colour.

The silence was intense as was the solitude. The feeling of expectation of something that was imminent was so tangible that I hardly dared breathe whilst walking along the pathways. Then towards the back of the garden, surrounded by the walls and unseeing windows of an apartment or office blocks, appeared a grand stairway, a flight of steps leading up to a terrace.

There in the middle was an ancient magnolia covered in flower buds. A magnolia with branches twisted in strange forms, a perfect model for any artist to paint. Then to my amazement it dawned on me what I was actually looking at. Perched amongst the gnarled branches were three peacocks, high above the ground in perfect pose were two drab females and nearer the ground on a large horizontal branch was the most magnificent male.

It was one of those moments where all motion seems to stop and you hold your breath for fear of breaking the spell. After what seemed hours I realised that my presence caused absolutely no alarm and slowly approached in an ever decreasing curve.

The male, whilst turning his head to keep me partially in view, started preening requiring him to open slightly his magnificent tail. There was so much beauty in that scene that I felt absolutely transported to another world.

I think that I might still be there if the cold had not finally awoken me from my trance.

 

[dpnice]

My few days without work are now over and the habitual routine takes over. Just a few days during which I have to succeed in getting the villa prepared for madame’s return. I must admit that I am lacking in the enthusiasm essential to achieve all that is necessary.

Spring really has arrived and many of the plants in the garden are in full bloom. With clear blue skies and a brilliant sunshine life seems good once again.

My battle with the dreaded tobacco continues but my only weapons seem to be eating or sleeping. Even after three months I haven’t found the replacement; mind you apart from thinking about it I haven’t done much to change my way of life and daily routine.

I have had to rethink my financial budget to incorporate the fact that it seems to be impossible to rent out my third apartment. Without the addition of that income I find myself obliged to repay mortgage and cover all the charges out of my monthly income. Big changes in savings and spending amounts has had to be organised. I am covered but annoyed that I now have less money to spend and was assuming that I would have more.

The Great Dane seems to be preparing herself for dieing. She has stopped eating nearly everything that I can think of to tempt her. All I can do is sit down on the ground next to her, put my arm around her neck and try to keep my emotions under control. Apart from the Leishmaneose, which is under control, there is really no reason why she won’t eat. I have organised an echiography just to be certain there are no intestinal blockage.

 

[dpnice]

Life has done one of its double turns and is proving to be nearly unsupportable. I haven’t felt as low as this since the days where I had just starting teaching and was suffering from all the insecurity and anxiety, wondering if I was capable of succeeding.

Madame has been absent frequently since my last entry, leaving me with more than sufficient time to sort myself out. Instead I find myself vegetating; struggling out of bed to eat something, followed by more sleep on the canapé and total lethargy slumped in front of the television. My battle with nicotine must seem monotonous but that is exactly what my life has become without cigarettes.

At one moment, when I realised how many hours I had slept in 4 days, seeing the mountain of unwashed dishes in the kitchen, still dressed in my dressing gown and no incentive to do anything, I panicked. Frightened that it is the Champix that is altering my emotional stability I stopped taking it and starting telling myself that I really have to take control of my life.

The only thing that takes my mind off smoking is eating. I am in constant need to have something to chew on. The only way to prevent myself eating myself ill is to chew on gum. So I now have the disgusting habit of continual chewing.

Due to the increased intake of food I have gained 12 kilos all of which has wrapped itself around my waist in rolls of fat extending round the sides and to the middle of my back. My stomach, though never muscled was at least flat, is now a round enormous swelling stretching and filling out my shirts. Looking at myself naked I find it totally disgusting; I am even developing breasts.

So I am really going to have to start exercising. Obviously once I start I am going to be obliged to continue for the rest of my life, whether I enjoy it or not. I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to but I can’t face myself in the mirror every morning if I am going to look like a sack of lard with floppy tits.

As I am on a knife edge and daren’t go out in case I buy some cigarettes I have actually not spent a single euro of my salary this month. Actually that is extremely helpful as my new flat seems to be unrentable, goodness knows why. So I am covering the two mortgages without the third rental income.

I am well aware of everything that I should be doing to aid myself overcome this hopefully short lived stage of withdrawal but am completely incapable of forcing up the enthusiasm to do anything. Even the imminent return of madame has not been sufficient to get me motivated to do any work.

Everything seems worthless and life has absolutely no interest. Even the death of Verone, the Great Dane, seemed a logical part of the way life is at the moment.

In three and a half months I would have really liked to have seen something positive, but the only thing that has shown any difference or improvement is my bank balance. No newly felt health, no increased ability to exert physical activity, no improved taste, no blossoming improved complexion; just a constant, permanent and nagging desire to light a cigarette.

When on earth will this need stop; when will I be able to replace my constant thoughts about smoking with something else?

 

[dpnice]

I may well be at the point of leaving JUB. Up to date I have managed to cope with the incorrect spellings, I have survived reading text, capital letters commencing every word no longer send me screaming from the room, extremely bad use of language and misuse of punctuation now seem less blasphemous than once thought.

But I can't stand this new way every new member is writing. No longer does writing in sentences seem desired. One types in a idea and separates it from the next, not necessarily associated, idea with three dots.

i agree with your point ... my mother taught me to do that ... but then the pope can think what he wants ... i am tired off to bed now ...

I have been incapable of reading a full thread this evening as every time I come across this type of posting I am so frustrated and left wondering where the hell they were educated that I switch to another; only to find the same people posting there.

Is it really a total lack of education or is it the new mode of showing off and letting everyone know that you are hip and a real cool member of society?

Am I missing out on some new idealistic means of communication?

I expected and have always accepted differences due to the generation problem but I did think that we were all still being taught to write in the same way.

 

[dpnice]

My quest to find the life of a non-smoker continues. I am trying to be positive but with no evident beneficial differences it is extremely difficult. Subsequently I continually attempt to convince myself that this battle will last at least a year and I cannot hope for miracles until the approach of 2009.

With my apartment now rented next month should see my finances sorted out and back to normal. Not smoking has resulted in the diminishing of my level of expenditure causing my savings to grow. But with the economic situation as it is I feel wary about spending on luxuries and have therefore abstained from all the little pleasures that may have helped me survive more easily the lack of nicotine.

The realisation that a great deal of effort is required to change a way of life doesn’t actually aid you in making the decisions and applying the necessary effort. Subsequently I am starting with small and attainable aims. Thus a brisk walk lasting an hour every day has been easy to establish as a part of my daily routine. Cutting out all eating between meals has not been too difficult. So finally my weight is beginning to fall.

I have always been conscious that I was not one of those gifted with good looks and an attractive body but at least I always felt good in the clothes I chose to wear. Now, instead of the long lithe silhouette, all I see in the mirror is rolls of fat stretching fabric and though no-one will ever see me naked they now see how ugly and old I am even when dressed.

So the perseverance necessary for beginning a course of exercise has been easy to drag up from within. I may well have to add something else if the rolls overhanging my waist band don’t melt away within a couple of months.

Next resolutions should revolve around starting cooking again, reading and going out to see if the external world still exists.

It seems that everyone has forgotten Verone since we had her put to sleep. Madame’s relationship with her dogs and cat are strange. She is obviously their mistress yet she does absolutely nothing to care for them, all this is left up to the personnel, basically that means me. Great Danes, we have had three so far, have always been my favourite dogs so I have quickly got attached to them. Having the three of them die within an eleven year period is, emotionally, difficult to assume.

So what do I do with the two Golden Retrievers? Treat them as just part of the job because if I do they will receive no affection or attention from anyone else.

Final thought! Whilst the vet was taking care of Verone’s lethal injection I kept having to withdraw to take control of my emotions; yet at the same time I found myself contemplating the round firm arse attached to our vet. So life does go on even in the most difficult of situations.

Final, final thought! It is now 22h30 and too late for going to the cinema. I really miss there not being a showing at mid-night as now that my evening is drawing to a close I actually feel up to going out to see a film.

 

[dpnice]

Due to the unplanned generosity of madame I find myself on a break from work until next Wednesday. Some forewarning would have been appreciated to enable some organisation but I suppose I should be grateful. Mind you I am not certain that the present moment is the best for me to find myself on my own and nothing to do.

So Sunday I managed to motivate myself and went to visit the local flower show. Each year I go knowing that I shall be disappointed, knowing that there will be nothing original or new and that I shall come away with no new ideas. Yet if you look at the photographs (April08) you will see that the location, the old Citadelle, is spectacular. Perhaps that is the real reason that I go annually.

Monday I dragged myself into Nice to visit the local history museum which has just reopened after a few years of complete renovation. It was interesting in an ‘I don’t have anything better to do’ manner. Local history is not really something that inflames my imagination. But there were a few things that caught my attention and stimulated some interest so it was not a wasted visit. The good little worker that I am I amalgamated a trip for pleasure with time to do some shopping for the villa and errands for madame.

Today lethargy settled like a huge blanket over my life. I vegetated all day allowing a brief moment of enthusiasm to drag me out of my cocoon and go for my daily walk.

God this life has to improve soon or I shall be smoking again before summer.