dpnice - Archived Blog Posts

[dpnice]

Here I am with the entire day stretching out in front of me yet I find myself incapable of making even a simple decision of what to do. That I find is probably the greatest disadvantage of living alone; the absence of any stimulus, the absence of input from another person.

My whole life depends upon me making the decision; me making the necessary effort; me finding the enthusiasm. The fatality is that nothing seems worthwhile if it has to be done alone. Yet if someone was to suggest doing something it would be an instant pleasure.

More and more frequently I find making that effort difficult and increasingly unnecessary as I am more than content just vegetating here.

Is it a vicious circle knowing that the pleasure gained from doing something is not necessarily a greater pleasure than remaining at home doing absolutely nothing?

I have been living like this for so long now that it now seems normal to spend a day doing nothing. So why does it evoke such a strong feeling of guilt?

 

[dpnice]

Though the sun is putting in a regular appearance each and every day the temperatures have dropped considerable, sufficient to provoke monsieur into switching on the heating.

The good side of this is that I can now get out all my nice winter clothes and pack all my linen shirts and trousers away in their bags until next year. The bad side is the monsieur Rodolphe will no longer be wandering around the garden bare-chested. It seems ridiculous a man of my age having an enormous crush on a young 35yr old but it keeps me amused, provides continues visual pleasure and as long as it does no harm nor cause any problems why not.

At the moment I am going through one of my occasional sexual frustration periods. If I didn’t keep crossing the paths of so many attractive men I could keep it under control. I am well aware that my days of being sexually active are behind me but sometimes the longing wells up out of control; just the desire to feel someone’s body next to mine. Cold showers and bromide in my tea might be needed soon.

Now as happy as I am with my uneventful life, vegetating alone in all this beauty, I can’t rid myself of this guilty feeling; that somehow it is wrong to be letting my life drift quietly by whilst doing absolutely nothing. So time to make a little effort and leave the comfort of my home and take a break in other climes. So I am off to England for five days at the end of the month, just enough time to visit friends and change my ideas a bit.

 

[dpnice]

I suppose that I should be on my knees proffering an abject apology to everybody for my prolonged and unexplained absence. Since my return from England I have been hibernating; I burrowed down to the depths of my own personal solitude and every moment free from work saw me curled up sleeping; usually spread out on the sofa with the cat purring in my arms.

At each possible occasion I retreated into a world of fantasizing where everything is feasible, allowing one to voyage in their imagination achieving things impossible in reality.

Should I be worried about my state of inertia and my retreat from all social life? If I underwent analysis any psychologist would have a field day interpreting my life. I must admit a slight addiction to my isolation. It became agreeable to imagine new fantasies, both sexual and those solving world problems; and then there were all those intricate dreams I had each afternoon. Interpreting those and their content would take a specialist years of in-depth thought.
I did occasional crawl out from the profound darkness to venture out to the cinema and see how the world was coping without me.

I suppose that I am privileged in that having no family, nor commitments I am free to do what I wish with my life. Being a social hermit seems, in my opinion, to be less of a disadvantage than being depressed or unsatisfied with one’s life.

I believe that as long as I am doing the essential at work, that I apply myself to keeping my home clean, feeding myself correctly and keeping up with daily hygiene then there isn’t any real reason to worry.

But it seems that now is the time to rejoin the world a little, or at least the JUB part of it. It seems a rather apt comparison, rising from one’s tomb to rejoin the living.

 

[dpnice]

There is a certain emptiness in my life at the present moment which is weighing a little too heavy on my emotions.

You are all obviously aware that solitude is not something which I fear and over the years I have come to accept and learn to deal with. Yet the absence of someone whom I can reach out and touch, feel beside me whilst I sleep and share those quiet moments is causing me to feel incredibly sad for several days now.

Thus the reason why I am lapsing into tears over the simplest of emotional scenes at the cinema or on the television.

Of course it is the time of year as once more I find myself on my own for both Christmas and the New Year. I am not so certain that I will make the effort to celebrate this year. Perhaps just a festive meal, but in front of the television rather than unpacking my Versace china and silverware.

It is true that making the effort becomes harder the longer one is alone. I sometimes wonder if it is all worth it; the answer is yes if it gives me even the smallest of pleasures. But this year I am not so certain the pleasure I will get will be worth the effort.

The weather is also not helping, being very cold accompanied by grey leaden skies and frequent rain. I didn’t come to live in France for this kind of weather; where are my blue and sunny winter days? Everyone is bundled up in bulky clothing to keep warm so this old voyeur isn’t even having the pleasure of seeing handsome young men strolling around shirtless.

Thank goodness I haven’t sunk as low as self-pity and despair and I suppose sadness is not a too unpleasant emotion to experience for a few days. I bet the minute the sun puts in an appearance my mood will change.

 

[dpnice]

It is bloody cold, the skies are a leaden grey and it is pouring with rain. As for the Christmas spirit it seems unlikely to put in an appearance this year.

Rather than sinking into a moribund pit of despair I am really quite happy to be home toasty warm with a mug of hot chocolate at hand. Unfortunately my comfort is punctuated by the necessity of poking my nose outside to smoke a quick cigarette.

I have just returned from the dentist, a painless visit this time. I activated myself and quickly prepared the rabbit for this evening’s meal. It is marinating in white wine and herbs in the kitchen.

With madame being absent, apart from attacking all the cleaning in the villa, I have had the time to amuse myself trying out new recipes. It is really extremely pleasant pottering around in the kitchen each evening, a glass of wine and music keeping me company.

I am venturing out when necessary; mainly shopping and a few visits to the cinema. I shall take myself off to see Avatar this afternoon. I have stopped planning the cinema for the evening as by the time I have eaten I no longer have the desire to jump in the car and drive into town.

So life meanders along its lonely route; at least I am warm and well fed.

 

[dpnice]

Well I have tried to do my best. The fridge is full of festive food; I have played a couple of Christmas carol CDs and driven around looking at the decorations in town. But still the Christmas spirit is absent.

I am not feeling miserable or depressed just ordinary. So looks like I am not going to have that special warm feeling this year.

As the television programmes are abysmal I shall probably be hanging around JUB for the evening.

I would promise myself a pleasurable walk on the 25th but with the torrential rain forecast that seems unlikely.

So all that I really can do is wish you all a wonderful Christmas and hope it is shared with family and friends.

 

[dpnice]

Christmas morning, no presents to unwrap, Christmas songs playing non-stop on the radio and no-one to hug me whilst wishing me a Happy Christmas. I suppose I should be as miserable as hell, but in fact I feel, not at all swamped by festive joy, but quite relaxed and at peace with the world.

By a miracle when I awoke at 6hr, as I do every day of my life, I managed to roll over, snuggle down and fall asleep again for a couple of hours.

The sun has put in an appearance so despite the glacial wind I should be able to treat myself to a long winter stroll this afternoon. I shall be able to share a little of the season’s joys with all the families thronging the length of the sea front.

The sea is a spectacular blue with huge waves crashing over the rocks so the sea front should be quite exciting.

Being on my own I prefer to eat a festive meal on Christmas Eve leaving today to simple meals; a little bread and cheese for lunch with dessert to follow, a glass of wine and I am content. Some pheasant pâté and a good salad this evening.

The TV programme is abysmal so I shall probably be returning to JUB throughout the days.

So to all you others all alone, far from family, friends and loved ones here is hoping today is not too miserable and that you manage to find some happiness and peace in the simple joys of living.

 

[dpnice]

Though I spent the evening in lonely splendour I felt really quite festive. Perhaps it was the champagne. Obviously to have seen in the New Year with a loved one at my side would have been preferable but us single men have to make do with the life we have been given.

Then when you read about the suffering others are experiencing in their lives it makes being alone not so bad after all.

I spent the early part of the evening phoning friends in England and though I was the only one on his own they were all spending the evening at home. I suppose as we are all in our 60s home seems preferable to a night out clubbing.

2010 kicked in with the good news that madame has delayed her return until Monday evening leaving me with the weekend to myself as a welcome bonus. On her return I have the cooking to do so the fewer meals I shall have to do whilst coping with my own tasks is good news for me.

Then I had a good end of year bonus in my salary cheque which filled my current account to overflowing. I shall have to sort out my savings accounts again as they are all reaching their maximum.

I must also think about spending some money and treating myself.

I would have posted my annual photograph wishing you all a Happy New Year but I looked so miserable in all the pictures I took that I decided it defeated the object of putting one here.

So be assured I am far from miserable, smiling even. Here’s wishing you all the happiness and success you deserve for 2010.

 

[dpnice]

Here I am once more back in the calm of my own home; installed in front of my computer screen with a huge box of tissues at my side to cope with a streaming cold caught whilst suffering the winter chill of a whistle stop visit to England.

Thanks to madame’s understanding and kindness I was able to break off work for a couple of days to go and attend the funeral of a departed friend. Not so much as to say my farewells but to give my support to John my closest and dearest friend, for it was his younger brother who had finally succumbed after a three year struggle with cancer.

Death for me has always been an end so for those to whom it comes I feel a sadness for their parting but believing that it is a finality which ends all reality for them I find it difficult to grieve for them. It is those who are left behind who draw the deepest felt sympathy from me.

After 43 yrs together his partner now finds himself alone having to cope with a future that will no longer be shared with someone he loved, who understood him better than anyone and with whom each moment was lived in partnership. He has little hopes of ever finding someone to refill that gaping loss and must learn to live a life of solitude which he has never experienced before.

It is honestly that, rather that the death of a close friend, that brought floods of tears to my eyes whilst listening to the eulogy and prayers so beautifully read during the funeral service.

Do the many years spent together compensate for the pain one suffers when a loved one dies? I suppose it is the many memories forged throughout those years that provide the cement with which to build a new life alone.

I must admit that I spent quite some time thinking about my own mortality and that of my few closest friends. Selfishly I was left hoping that my time comes before theirs as I think it would be unbearable to have to say goodbye to them and carry on life without their precious presence.

The strangest of things is that though such a day is overshadowed by such sadness and grief at the same time there is much joy in that it is time when absent friends and acquaintances re-meet after years of separation.

I am certainly glad I went and a little overwhelmed by the gratefulness expressed by so many friends over the fact that I had made the effort to be present.

At my age I suppose I can expect the departures to gradually increase over the coming years so all of you make sure you live your lives to full and search out happiness where ever you have the chance to find it.

 

[dpnice]

I am positive that madame doesn’t have some dastardly plan in the back of her mind. But, it seems to me that after each of her absences I find myself working unbelievable hours with not a minute to myself. Not that I need any but it would be nice just to have time to unwind.

A week of guests, lunches and dinners, saw me crawling into bed in the early hours of the morning leaving just a couple of hours’ sleep before I had to stagger upstairs to prepare breakfast. Thank goodness for personal pride in a job well done. Of course, my organisation is more than perfect even if I do say it myself so everything was more than perfect with nothing left undone.

Then the chamber maid calls in ill obliging me to add all her tasks to my own ever growing list. I am certain that she has had more days off work through illness than I have had holidays last year.

The weather has been particularly depressing since the beginning of the year. I didn’t move to France to suffer grey skies, rain and icy cold days. I can get that in England as I experienced at the beginning of the week.

I drastically require some sunshine.

One advantage of my short trip to England was the eye opening evidence that my nostalgic longings of retiring back there to a small cottage with garden are totally illogical. In no way could I survive even a week of that abysmal weather. Where it is so cold you have to summon up all your courage just to get out of bed. Where the few moments of nakedness before jumping under a hot shower are close to being in hell.

Here in the South of France I am cold but still in shirt sleeves when I step out the door. I was obliged to smother myself in as many clothes as possible just to step out a smoke a cigarette whilst back home.

At least people no longer ask me continually when I am going to return to England to live; as though the over 20 years I have spent in France were just a slight punctuation in my life.

 

[dpnice]

Well the weather hasn’t improved but with the appearance this morning of the chamber maid work conditions have.

At least I am liberated sufficiently to take my rest days; all one and a half of them. I wonder why all workers have two whole days rest whilst those who work in service industries are allocated only 1 ½. I am perfectly content never having a weekend free but it would be pleasant to have two whole days; seeing that I will not finish work until 15hr this afternoon you can’t really even call it a half day, more like two evenings free.

I have missed my solitude, my moments alone, since the beginning of the year so this is a good opportunity to spend some time at home; a quiet dinner with a bottle of wine and time to finish the book I started during my flight back to England.

With this miserable weather I have absolutely no desire to make the effort and bustle forth into the real world. A few hours on JUB will be completely sufficient to amuse and keep me occupied.

 

[dpnice]

Well yippee! It is snowing here, just sufficient to give that Christmas card appearance. Compared with the quantities that some of you are experiencing I doubt whether we can really honestly say it is snowing. As it is a rare occurrence here in the South of France it is quite exciting; but not exciting enough for me to poke my nose out of the door. I am staying in the warm until it has melted and the temperatures risen a few degrees.

A few days ago I did something I haven’t done for far too many months; I sloughed of my self-imposed skin of solitude and join an ancient friend for the afternoon in town.

I had put a little distance between us over the years due to his habit of arriving in their holiday home and only contacting me a few days before they had planned to return to England. It always gave me the impression that I was the least interesting of things they had to do so they left seeing me to the last moment.

Since his partner died I have seen less and less of him and admittedly felt quite guilty about it but also quite adamant that I was going to leave it up to him to contact me first.

So eventually he telephones; obviously in need of company, but then that is what friends are for. So rather than just having a conversation over the phone I suggested we spend the afternoon together; a little shopping, coffee and cake somewhere smart and go to see a film.

Yes it was a pleasant time, I have always enjoyed his company; he is a chatterbox who never stops, but fun nevertheless. Plus it did prove that my prolonged solitude has not yet caused my social skills to wither and die.

So it may well be that my imposed solitude is going to be interrupted now and again whenever he is back in the area. Not a bad thing I suppose.

 

[dpnice]

The intention was to spend the whole day at home doing absolutely nothing but life always gets in the way. Simple obligations like food shopping and a dental visit dragged me out into the cold but made coming home an even greater pleasure.

This weather is really making me miserable; without the warmth of the sun it seems that most of my favourite moments have been drained of all pleasure. So we battle on hoping for a change in the near future.

 

[dpnice]

I have recently noticed a certain dissatisfaction about my life insinuate itself into my thoughts. Perhaps it is only the influence of this extremely long period of miserable weather on my vacillating moods or, possibly it is something more serious and requiring some effort to eradicate.

The greatest disadvantage with my situation is the amount of time I am obliged to commit to meeting madame’s needs and the subsequent restriction of the time available to manage my personal life. To put things into perspective I must honestly admit that my job is neither stressful nor exceptionally tiring, just involving ridiculously long hours of presence.

With only two evenings a week and a few hours each afternoon to myself it seems that I am letting my life stagnate, yet incapable to find the time to do anything worthwhile. Fitting in trips to the cinema becomes a major organisational obstacle, especially if there is more than one film that I want to see in one week.

I am too addicted to lazing around at home doing nothing, but now having to sacrifice those unproductive but pleasurable moments in order to fit in all the essentials.

Obviously at my age I am not at all willing to change jobs in order to reap more time to myself nor willing to make great efforts to overcome the problem. So if this is the case is the problem really that important.

A great advantage to my situation is that madame is absent for long periods quite frequently during the year and thus I do catch up on having a life to myself. Perhaps that is in fact the reason for my present sentiments as she has cancelled her holidays due to the work in progress here at the villa. Possibly I have lost the ability to work continually during three whole months having adapted my life around her frequent absences.

Working for a family really isn’t a job at all but rather a way of life.

On a lighter note I recently had my first experience of being asked if I wanted a reduced entry for senior citizens. At my age it was to be expected and I found it rather amusing as it was said with such honesty and evident kindness. Much more appreciated than those “oh you don’t look 60yrs old”. I am old so does it really make a difference if I look 50 or 60? Does anyone look different at those ages?

Cheap cinema entries here I come.

 

[dpnice]

Difficult to believe that my absence has been of such a long duration. Few things have changed apart from that of becoming an even greater recluse than I was before.
Still the same job, the same life-style and the same outlooks on life, the universe and everything.
Lost a dog and my faithful cat; some health problems but then who doesn’t at my age.
Trying to give up smoking again as I would like to live until retirement age and my doctor convinced me there was a risk that I might not if I continued smoking. Perhaps there is the reason for my return; the need for distraction and something to fill up my empty moments when I would have been outside smoking on the terrace.
I have noticed that nothing has changed; the same fights; members fleeing the battleground; false accounts; bitchy comments; the same old subjects resurrected by innocently new members, but threads in which I have commented so many times in the past.
But isn’t that all part of the joys of an Internet forum.
It is good to be back and hopefully I will be pardoned for disappearing without a word or sign. I was a little like finishing a book at the time; I closed the cover and never felt the need to open it again. But we all know how enticing a familiar story is and how finally we all succumb to opening that cover once more to enjoy and be absorbed by the hidden marvels it encloses.

 

[dpnice]

After such a prolonged absence you would be completely justified to expect a multitude of interesting stories and anecdotes about my life during these three JUBless years. Well no! Sorry!

When I logged out of JUB I think I somehow logged out of life at the same time. My quiet little life continued but at a significantly quieter pace. Not that I was miserable or depressed, certainly I was too far embedded in my solitude to experience any such strong emotions as that. Everything seemed to get put on “hold” as though I was awaiting some miraculous epiphany to extract me from the clutches of time. Well, of course, it never materialized and I continued along my chosen pathway, working, sleeping and enjoying the simple pleasures I allowed myself.
I fulfilled all my obligations, crawled out of my pit when necessary and lowered myself back in when released to my own occupations. But life wasn’t bad; I was still content, still considered myself a privileged member of the human race and still found joys and pleasures in being alone.

Obviously there were the occasional highlights which dragged me back out into the flow of life. Holidays with friends being the dominant factor in forcing me to relate with my fellow man.

Then the death knell to my greatest of pleasure; stop smoking or you may well not live to enjoy your retirement. Words that I wasn’t really ready to hear or wishing to apply to my pleasant little life. So back to JUB. I need its support as a structure to an otherwise unstructured life. I need it as something to do rather than burying my head in the sand. I need JUB as a stimulus to get out and do something rather than sit here bereft at the thought of having lost, what I considered, the most important thing in my life.

Every simple pleasure I had was intricately linked to smoking and by removing that I now need others to take their place. Other pleasures that I am not going to find sitting on my terrace contemplating the sea in sublime solitude.

Perhaps returning to JUB is the epiphany I have been patiently awaiting.

 

[Scrub]

As always I am back to read your blogs. I missed them. I also had to quit smoking. It's been about 2 years and I do miss it, but most days I don't even think about it anymore. I understand how difficult it can be to give up something that you enjoy.

Good luck

 

[eddielee]

I missed you and was very upset when you left. I feared something dreadful had happened. I am so happy that you are back!

 

[dpnice]

I would have genuinely liked this entry to be punctuated with all the interesting and unusual events in the life of this elderly Englishman living in the South of France. Exasperatingly time has slipped by so rapidly that meeting Madame’s desires (well simple requests really) has fulfilled my waking hours and left little or no time to amuse myself. It is the time of the year when preparations for stocking up the boat before its departure for the summer Mediterranean cruise have become an absolute priority. Remembering of course that Madame will be sailing away with it so there is a slight pleasure and expectation of freedom in the air.

Also the fact that it is once more pissing down with rain accompanied by a long term abysmal weather forecast is not exactly conducive to donning one’s linen suit and venturing out into town.

Naturally it is raining as it is the opening of the Cannes Film Festival, which I won’t be participating in yet again. I did go once quite a few years ago and enjoyed the crowds and the balmy summer night. But I saw no stars of the silver screen; couldn’t even force my way to the front to glimpse the famous red carpet and the evening was finally saved only by the quantity of handsome young men thronging the streets and cafes.

There is also the not too distant Monaco Grand Prix. But I am not a fanatic and the one occasion I went was more than sufficient to satisfy my curiosity for the rest of my life.

As soon as I can find some free time I swear I will do something worth commenting about. Suffice to say that the trials and tribulations of my working life should be considered as trifling compared with that which some of you must experience daily.

 

[Mike68]

I for one am glad to see you on here. I was afraid that something had happened. Had always enjoyed your posts!