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First (ish) post, same old dilemma

But where I'm coming from is, what's the point in liking yourself if no one else does either? And I have liked myself at times, but then no one else does either. What a horrible vicious cycle.

And I feel like I've painted my friend in a bad light...he's really not all that bad. I was just frustrated with the sexual side of the situation. We're pretty good friends, and I enjoy hanging out with him, and when things are good, they are really good. It's just that sometimes he does things that just make me want to jump him, and I know that's bad. I honestly don't want a relationship with him. I know I'm not really ready for one, and besides he doesn't want one. But it would also be nice to just get to share that intimacy. Guess that's in my dreams.

And also I've been having a hard time with sex lately because I haven't been enjoying it, so I thought maybe he could get me out of that funk. Obviously, I was a bit off base. :-P
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Nice recovery.

So what are you looking for here in this thread or in life generally?

I go back to my original comments about communication. You seem to have trouble with clear, concise communication. The way you communicated events, the guy sounded like an absolute twist tie. Now, suddenly, he's not so bad and it is all about your own feelings of worthlessness. I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that one of the reasons you have some problems with your friends is rooted in your elliptical communication style and somewhat overdramatic approach to situations. Add to this, the passive aggressive 'I'm so worthless/ugly/fat/stupid/etc.' syndrome and everything and everyone else is responsible for my failure to succeed and you have a toxic combination.

When you get back home after this term, I would agree that you also do as Lex suggested and take some time to think things through and decide what you want the rest of your life to look like. Time to calm down and assess your strengths and weaknesses. Improve on the former, work on correcting the latter.
 
Is it impossible for both to be true? There are things he did that riled me up and were bad of him. I'm just saying he's not bad. Also, a lot of the problem is me as well. It's not just one or the other. My original intention was to see what people thought was going on judging by his actions, and then somehow it ended up with me backpedaling and trying to fend off criticisms against me. Obviously I'm not going to say, "Hey, we had a good, uneventful day in Prague." There's not really much to interpret there, hence why I only focused on the weird flirty or bad stuff. Sorry if that was a mistake.
 
gaytxn09 said:
Is it impossible for both to be true? There are things he did that riled me up and were bad of him. I'm just saying he's not bad. Also, a lot of the problem is me as well. It's not just one or the other. My original intention was to see what people thought was going on judging by his actions, and then somehow it ended up with me backpedaling and trying to fend off criticisms against me. Obviously I'm not going to say, "Hey, we had a good, uneventful day in Prague." There's not really much to interpret there, hence why I only focused on the weird flirty or bad stuff. Sorry if that was a mistake.
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Unfortunately, it is the nature of internet forums I think. Obviously, if he was a shit bag you wouldn't have been hanging out with him in the first place.

But I will say, I have to think that perhaps Rareboy and others aren't incorrect. That what you, in your mind, think is very clear, concise, messages you are sending someone, in fact are very convoluted. If I was a betting man, I think they are right. You give off mixed messages, and then get frustrated that they are "not getting it", even though you think you've been very forthright with them.

As a helpful tip, that will get you very far in life, you need to learn the art of seduction. Whether it's someone into your bed, or seducing someone into your point of view, or giving you a promotion.
 
^ so I repeat my question. What is it exactly you are looking for here?
 
One of my friends once said "Lex's big problem is that when people start asking for advice, he thinks they actually want it."

Sorry things didn't work out for you.

Lex
 
I was asking for advice. Mainly on how I should view the situation because obviously I'm partial.

Sorry I was unclear.
 
Hope it all worked out for you.
 
Well, it all ended cuz he left, but whether it was for the best is still yet to be determined. I was trying to work up the courage to just kiss him before he left, but I was stressing about other things, so I didn't get to, so instead, I freaked out about a couple things and just thought he hated me (stupid much?) and sent several really dumb texts and called to apologize. No response on the texts or calls (though the boyfriend responded oddly enough). And I get an email saying everything was fine, that he tried to text back and it didn't go through or something, and that we'd talk soon. I am just so terrible with goodbyes, especially after we've not been separated for 10 days. It's just weird. I don't normally have regular contact with other people, and having him with me was like a breath of fresh air. Both of us also said that we hadn't jacked off at all since he'd arrived, which is weird, I guess. And then coming back to reality just completely sucked. It's not like we even got close to anything physical, especially since he said he didn't find me attractive, which was a big blow. But it was still really...I guess intimate is the best word? Sleeping in close proximity night after night. Good friends. If only he didn't put people in the friend zone and leave them there forever. I, for one, never exclude friends from the possibility of anything more. In fact, friends are probably the better option because they care about you. But I digress. Basically, it just boils down to the fact that nothing really was solved. We had our little blow-ups, learned more about each other, got to see each other near naked (not fully...damn it), and then we parted. The circumstances really suck. But what do you do?

And really the whole point of this thread was my being confused about his actions. Even now, I'm still a bit confused why he said what he said and did what he did. Were they hints? Who knows. Then, I found his Fitlads profile today. So...it seems safe to say that the boyfriend thousands of miles away doesn't stop him from having fun when he wants it. And I know this makes him sound bad, and you'll just have to trust me that he's not. They're just pretty open about it cuz they are on different continents. It's just frustrating. If only I were cuter and more muscular........
 
OK. He's gone. Good.

Now.. about the rest of your life...
 
Really, no one was criticizing him. they were merely stating that he is a source of instigation--instigation for your anxieties. The problem isn't him, or that he's around you, it's with you. Despite the fact that you KNOW he didn't find you attractive, you still persisted in the belief that "maybe" he's still dropping hints and that "maybe" despite what he told you face to face, he wants to still hook up.

But sweetie, you already said that he told you that he didn't want to hook up and that, unfortunately, he didn't find you attractive. So in essence...why were you still confused about the issue? I think you answered that bit when you said that YOU always leave friends open to that possibility and that HE doesn't. It seems like a conflict of perspectives. So just accept that he doesn't want to mess around with all of his friends, just some, whereas you're open to messing around with any of your friends.

The advice here was really about the fact that something like variable 'X' set you adrift so badly and tapped into this fevered "he likes me, he likes me not" bit. So is it that you're lonely? Is it because you were just really, really horny? Ask yourself why, despite everything he told you, you let a little voice inside yourself tell you that there was still a chance and run through your brain for his entire stay.
 
so instead, I freaked out about a couple things and just thought he hated me (stupid much?) and sent several really dumb texts and called to apologize.
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.....and once again, your inability to communicate well led to misunderstanding and drama.....

For your own sake, take a couple of courses in creative English composition and oral communications. I swear to you that it will improve your personal as well as your academic life.

Oh yes, and next time, don't ruin a friendship because all you can think about is your dick.
 
Hm. I never once thought with my dick the entire time he was here. Had I done so, he probably would have checked in at a hostel the next day because I would have just made a move or something. I made no moves. Everything was verbal.

As for the communication thing...I really don't think there was any *lack* of communication. There was too much, and all of it was poorly timed. I don't think the necessary class for what my problem is would ever be offered anywhere. English composition doesn't fit...I can argue a rose to turn brown, but that doesn't change the fact that I screwed up. I think it's just my personality, and there's not much you can do about that other than become a hermit. Which is probably what will end up happening to me (a la my great-uncle who--thankfully--died in a Wal-Mart...otherwise, no one would have known...not even his kids).

I thought talking through this with other people would help, but it obviously hasn't. Maybe I'm just not a people person and I shouldn't expect that from myself. No matter what I do, nothing really changes, so perhaps I should just do what comes naturally and just not care anymore.

Sorry I took up your time.
 
OK, skip the English composition class, and look into getting a therapist for your self-esteem issues.

Lex
 
It'd be nice to know that I could be a successful person without therapy, though it's looking more and more like I can't.

And I can't afford therapy anyway. And my parents think that going to therapy in the first place for all these stupid issues of self-esteem, introversion, social retardation, etc. has made me who I am today, i.e. gay. So...that's not really going to happen for me.

Just looks like I have to just keep going down this really bumpy road, even though I know it's the wrong one. I just don't know where to go and what to do. Hence my posting in this forum. I dunno. At least I try. Sort of.
 
I really don't think there was any *lack* of communication. There was too much, and all of it was poorly timed.
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No one said there was not enough communication, only a lack of clear communication. Too much communication, with a lot of tangential side stories, could be a real passion killer for a lot of guys. they just see it as too much drama and too much baggage for them to deal with.

Seriously, start with how you communicate and I'll bet that half the drama and screw-ups in your life would be eliminated.
 
>>>It'd be nice to know that I could be a successful person without therapy, though it's looking more and more like I can't. And I can't afford therapy anyway. And my parents think that going to therapy in the first place for all these stupid issues of self-esteem, introversion, social retardation, etc. has made me who I am today, i.e. gay. So...that's not really going to happen for me.

OK, let's sum up. You don't want to go to therapy because:

1. you can't afford it.
2. you feel it makes you less of a person, or a failure, because you couldn't make it without asking for help.
3. Your parents think therapy made you gay.

First off, #3. Huh? Maybe therapy helped you realize that you were, in fact, gay. And maybe your parents blame therapy for "making you gay".

So?

This is your life you're living, not theirs. You gotta do what's right for you, not so they can feel better about themselves through how you're living. My parents aren't crazy about all the things I do, either, but they're not the ones that get to make the decisions.

#2. So your car has several flat tires, you see it sprialing off the track and heading God knows where. But, hey, you still got your pride. It's not like you stopped and got some help changing your tires. How embarrassing would THAT be.

Look, I can't speak for you, but I want my life to kick as much ass as it possibly can. So whenever I run into problems, I try to fix them. And if I can't fix them, I bring in some help. Because dealing with my problems makes the rest of my life kick ass. So whatever it takes - talking to my friends, asking for advice, going to the doctor, seeing a therapist, whatever. And I don't hide it - I don't CARE who knows. If someone wants to think I'm weak or whatever for getting help, fine - their problem, not mine.

#1 at least can be a valid concern. But a few things to consider. First off, low-cost therapy is usually available from a variety of sources. And secondly, think about how important it is. Therapy is something that can seriously turn your life around, and get you off that bumpy wrong road, and back on a smooth one. It can make your life THAT much better. Are you sure you can't find room in the budget for that?

Lex
 
You keep saying that you "try" and nothing changes. But from what you told us, the only "trying" you did was more like "forcing" your first want. You wanted to fool around with your friend, so you talked to him about it, he told you no. Then you posted here asking for some advice and the subsequent actions were that you tried to fool around with him again and it didn't work, and now you're posting about how you tried and can't think of any reason why you failed other than because you "just aren't that kind of person." But really, it's just because you tried to get something that you knew you couldn't get but you wouldn't let it go. So of course you failed, but it's not because you "tried" to change, it's because you refused to change what you wanted.

Running into a wall repeatedly is not the same kind of "trying" as running into a wall once, reassessing the situation, and deciding to try different ways to get around it or go in a different direction.

If you really want to "try" to get yourself sorted out, it'll take more than being disappointed because your first choice didn't work out. Self pity isn't going to get you anything. That's just life.
 
Thanks, Luminum...that was a really interesting and helpful bit of insight. The only thing is...how does one just stop "trying" for what he wants so badly? It's not just physical cuz we have a relationship outside of my physical feelings, so it's really hard to separate them. It took me a long time to figure out what exactly my feelings were for him, so now I know I won't (at least for the foreseeable future) be in *that* kind of relationship with him, then how do I change what I want? I can't just tell my body, "Hey...no boy for you! Sorry! Move on!" I mean, I can, but how much good will it do.

Baby steps, baby steps.........
 
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