Found my "straight" crush on Grindr...

[USEDCAR]

Sounds like a cat fish page tbh


You could just lie and screen shot the grindr page and tell him one of your gay friends sent you this profile and see what he says? in person.

I would just remain his friend with no strings attached he seems like a good guy. You don't want to lose the friendship for 15 mins of sex?

 

[thegentleman]

I wonder if I should just make a comment in front of him like “oh, my Grindr is blowing up” and see his reaction?

 

[KaraBulut]

I wonder if I should just make a comment in front of him like “oh, my Grindr is blowing up” and see his reaction?

So, in other words, you want him to be honest with you but you won't be honest with him?

 

[SeaCore]

So, in other words, you want him to be honest with you but you won't be honest with him?

Is 'honesty' the right focus here? I suppose there's an element of withholding information, or rather withholding suspicion, but is the crux of this about honesty?

LIguy11 what exactly is the worst case scenario you've got going in your head? There's a reason you don't seem to want to be direct.
Right now, you seem to really want answers but there's something getting in the way.
And that's fine; there are plenty of reasonable worries about this type of stuff but it might be good to hear a little of what you're thinking.

 

[thegentleman]

Is 'honesty' the right focus here? I suppose there's an element of withholding information, or rather withholding suspicion, but is the crux of this about honesty?

LIguy11 what exactly is the worst case scenario you've got going in your head? There's a reason you don't seem to want to be direct.
Right now, you seem to really want answers but there's something getting in the way.
And that's fine; there are plenty of reasonable worries about this type of stuff but it might be good to hear a little of what you're thinking.

I guess my fear is that if I’m direct with him and ask him about it, I will scare him off and he will never talk to me again. I’m also worried that if it’s not really him and I reveal that I’m gay to him, he will somehow know that I have a crush on him and that might scare him off as well (in case you couldn’t tell, I’m a little paranoid lol). He also might find it weird that I actually recognized his body pic to begin with that was on the profile. It’s been a couple months since he sent it to me and posted it on his Instagram...

 

[Sebazz]

I'm not following, why aren't you trying to get information from torso with your real account?

 

[thegentleman]

I'm not following, why aren't you trying to get information from torso with your real account?

If it’s really him, I doubt he will reveal himself to me even though he did message me “hi” that one time.

 

[Sebazz]

Real or fake he'll lie in the beginning but if he's interested he won't lie forever. Engage in conversation, see what he wants, what type of questions he asks, what story he comes up with.. he's already seen your face so you have nothing to lose

 

[thegentleman]

So I’ve been doing some more analyzing, and I’m not sure if I’m reading into things too much - but this guy isn’t exactly the best when it comes to spelling words correctly, at least not when he texts lol.

I noticed that when he texts me “where are you”, he usually spells “where” as “were”. On Grindr the person was spelling the word correctly. However, the Grindr account also made a typo on another word which is something this guy frequently does.

The grindr guy also confirmed the hometown that this guy is from, so it’s likely it’s still him. Just starting to wonder if it’s a catfish because this guy is constantly talking about fucking girls, but I actually sort of think he may be lying/overcompensating.

 

[SeaCore]

You said you doubt that they'd reveal themselves on Grindr. Can you elaborate a bit?

What do you see happening if you honestly overshared a smidge with the torso dude? Basically saying:
Yo, your profile pic looks a lot like my trainer and it'd be kind of a relief if I knew they were into guys. I don't have any gay friends and I'm too nervous to ask them about it IRL.

That seems like it'd net a positive result. If it's a catfish, oh well. You made a catfish feel awkward; fair game since they made you feel awkward by stealing someone else's photos; in my opinion anyways.

If it's them, it puts the ball in their court and lets them decide if they want to reveal that side to you. You're not claiming to want sex, you're not claiming you want to date, all you are doing is putting out there that you are gay, you found them on a gay app, and that knowing someone else who is gay (or bi) would add to your relationship with them.

What would be the worst case scenario from doing this?

I'm also curious, because it's a little fuzzy. Are you in the closet?

 

[thegentleman]

You said you doubt that they'd reveal themselves on Grindr. Can you elaborate a bit?

What do you see happening if you honestly overshared a smidge with the torso dude? Basically saying:
Yo, your profile pic looks a lot like my trainer and it'd be kind of a relief if I knew they were into guys. I don't have any gay friends and I'm too nervous to ask them about it IRL.

That seems like it'd net a positive result. If it's a catfish, oh well. You made a catfish feel awkward; fair game since they made you feel awkward by stealing someone else's photos; in my opinion anyways.

If it's them, it puts the ball in their court and lets them decide if they want to reveal that side to you. You're not claiming to want sex, you're not claiming you want to date, all you are doing is putting out there that you are gay, you found them on a gay app, and that knowing someone else who is gay (or bi) would add to your relationship with them.

What would be the worst case scenario from doing this?

I'm also curious, because it's a little fuzzy. Are you in the closet?

Your suggestion would make me feel kind of awkward if the Grindr guy is really him. I don't know, we just talk on a pretty much daily basis at this point. I feel like I need to somehow find out if it's him without being so upfront and direct as I'm afraid it might scare him off if he knows I'm onto his secret. As far as I know right now, he doesn't know that I know (if it is really him, that is).

As for myself, I'm partially in the closet but out for the most part. All of my close family members and friends know, but I'm usually not open about it with acquaintances or people who I'm not that comfortable with yet.

 

[SeaCore]

And why would that scare them off?
Do you have a picture of your face on Grindr? Because if so it seems downright bizarre for someone invested in keeping up a secret to interact with someone they know IRL. It's just begging to get caught, especially if you get to chatting and the suggestion of meeting up arises.

 

[thegentleman]

And why would that scare them off?
Do you have a picture of your face on Grindr? Because if so it seems downright bizarre for someone invested in keeping up a secret to interact with someone they know IRL. It's just begging to get caught, especially if you get to chatting and the suggestion of meeting up arises.

Well if he isn't out (he's told me he's DL on the fake profiles I've messaged him from), I'd assume he would be put off by me being so upfront and asking him about it. He also might think it's weird that I even recognized the photo to begin with.

And yes, my face pic is my main profile pic on my Grindr page. Which is why I say I'm not entirely in the closet, I don't really care who sees it.

 

[thegentleman]

Another thing - this guy seems to avoid hanging out with me in any capacity aside from when we’re working out. He will make suggestions, such as going on the cruise together as I mentioned above, and even mentioned getting “fucked up” for our birthdays. He also sends out snaps asking “anyone wanna get food?” and things like that. I’ll reply yes and he will seem like he’s up for it, but then he never follows through. Yet I see him on social media out eating with other people almost every day.

The other night we were supposed to see a movie, it didn’t happen and he said we would go the next night (last night). That didn’t happen either, I called him out on it and he said “I don’t like going out, only work. I’m the worst.” Yet he is the one who brought it up in the first place. I told him “maybe you just hate me” and he said “F U” and then I never replied.

I’m wondering if he’s avoiding hanging out with me because he knows I’m gay? He’s a flakey person in general so I’m not trying to take it personally, but I just don’t know anymore. He seems like he wants to be friends aside from just training me but he never follows through.

 

[TX-Beau]

Another thing - this guy seems to avoid hanging out with me in any capacity aside from when we’re working out. He will make suggestions, such as going on the cruise together as I mentioned above, and even mentioned getting “fucked up” for our birthdays. He also sends out snaps asking “anyone wanna get food?” and things like that. I’ll reply yes and he will seem like he’s up for it, but then he never follows through. Yet I see him on social media out eating with other people almost every day.

The other night we were supposed to see a movie, it didn’t happen and he said we would go the next night (last night). That didn’t happen either, I called him out on it and he said “I don’t like going out, only work. I’m the worst.” Yet he is the one who brought it up in the first place. I told him “maybe you just hate me” and he said “F U” and then I never replied.

I’m wondering if he’s avoiding hanging out with me because he knows I’m gay? He’s a flakey person in general so I’m not trying to take it personally, but I just don’t know anymore. He seems like he wants to be friends aside from just training me but he never follows through.

Ok, so this guy is flaky, borderline dishonest, won't be seen with you in public, won't follow through, won't tell you the truth about himself, and the attraction is what?

Of course you are playing games as well. If you won't tell him about you, why should he tell you about him? This would resolve itself with one conversation. I generally find that guys who are worried that the other guy will run if you ask him out, are pretty sure already they aren't going to get what they want. So why are you still pursuing this? It's in your power to have an answer. It may not be the one you want - so maybe you don't ask because of that? Even if he's gay that's no guarantee he'd be into you.

That's the bitch of it, isn't it, putting yourself out there on that limb may mean you crash and burn, but you can't win if you never try. How long are you going to angst before you make the gamble? How much time are you going to spend on needless indecision?

Do something about it, and if it's no, it's no and there are other men in the world.

 

[TX-Beau]

Frankly what you are describing is not attractive. What are you going to do if you got him? Be his dirty little secret? You deserve better than that, we all deserve better than that.

 

[thegentleman]

Ok, so this guy is flaky, borderline dishonest, won't be seen with you in public, won't follow through, won't tell you the truth about himself, and the attraction is what?

Of course you are playing games as well. If you won't tell him about you, why should he tell you about him? This would resolve itself with one conversation. I generally find that guys who are worried that the other guy will run if you ask him out, are pretty sure already they aren't going to get what they want. So why are you still pursuing this? It's in your power to have an answer. It may not be the one you want - so maybe you don't ask because of that? Even if he's gay that's no guarantee he'd be into you.

That's the bitch of it, isn't it, putting yourself out there on that limb may mean you crash and burn, but you can't win if you never try. How long are you going to angst before you make the gamble? How much time are you going to spend on needless indecision?

Do something about it, and if it's no, it's no and there are other men in the world.

I guess I just find him so attractive physically that I’m putting up with more than I should be. I also do see a nice side to him. He was blowing up my phone yesterday asking me what’s up and I was kind of just giving short answers/not replying and he finally asked “what’s wrong”, I played dumb and said “who said anything is wrong lol”, to which he replied “cause you’re not talking to me”. I just said “lol” and left it at that. Perhaps he’s feeling some type of guilt for ditching me again, which he should.

I know that even if he is gay he might not be into me. I’d be satisfied with just being friends though. He seems like a nice/fun guy when we are together. I actually feel sorry for him in a way, I feel like he needs a friend who he can be open and honest about himself with and I feel like he doesn’t currently have that in his life.

 

[TX-Beau]

I guess I just find him so attractive physically that I’m putting up with more than I should be. I also do see a nice side to him. He was blowing up my phone yesterday asking me what’s up and I was kind of just giving short answers/not replying and he finally asked “what’s wrong”, I played dumb and said “who said anything is wrong lol”, to which he replied “cause you’re not talking to me”. I just said “lol” and left it at that. Perhaps he’s feeling some type of guilt for ditching me again, which he should.

I know that even if he is gay he might not be into me. I’d be satisfied with just being friends though. He seems like a nice/fun guy when we are together. I actually feel sorry for him in a way, I feel like he needs a friend who he can be open and honest about himself with and I feel like he doesn’t currently have that in his life.

Well obviously you are not that friend. Closet cases are in the closet, they aren't looking to be open and honest with anyone, including themselves - especially themselves. You can't change that, you can't fix it. He'll talk or he won't on his own schedule - he may never come out, you may be completely mistaken, he may burst from the closet in flame and glitter, none of which can you affect in any way.

What are you getting out of this? There is some reason you are focused on this, what is it?

Guys pursue the impossible usually because it's safe, they get to have the romance with none of the risk, of course it's not real, but it doesn't require facing the possibility of rejection either. Sometimes guys pursue the impossible to avoid dealing with themselves, guys will pursue the impossible to justify why they aren't pursuing something tangible.

Are you co-dependent? Are you trying to save him?

What are you getting out of this, because it's not getting laid, so what is your motivation to stay put and not just back burner this flaky, closeted mess of a guy, and go find one who will be seen in public with you?

You can be his friend at the gym without sacrificing your self respect - and that is exactly what you are giving up waiting for this guy to want you instead of putting yourself FIRST and looking for a guy who'll want you back.

 

[TX-Beau]

FYI we've all been there. I knew this guy who flirted and teased, every time he lost my attention he'd do something provocative - he never put out. Eventually I realized that he was never going to and finally just walked away - all the time I spent on him was wasted, it went for nothing.

Of course my revenge is that 20 years later I'm still smokin' and he lives with his dumpy wife, off in suburbia full on into breeder spread.

One may mourn the loss of his youthful beauty, but I'm so glad I came to my senses fairly quickly.

 

[thegentleman]

Well obviously you are not that friend. Closet cases are in the closet, they aren't looking to be open and honest with anyone, including themselves - especially themselves. You can't change that, you can't fix it. He'll talk or he won't on his own schedule - he may never come out, you may be completely mistaken, he may burst from the closet in flame and glitter, none of which can you affect in any way.

What are you getting out of this? There is some reason you are focused on this, what is it?

Guys pursue the impossible usually because it's safe, they get to have the romance with none of the risk, of course it's not real, but it doesn't require facing the possibility of rejection either. Sometimes guys pursue the impossible to avoid dealing with themselves, guys will pursue the impossible to justify why they aren't pursuing something tangible.

Are you co-dependent? Are you trying to save him?

What are you getting out of this, because it's not getting laid, so what is your motivation to stay put and not just back burner this flaky, closeted mess of a guy, and go find one who will be seen in public with you?

You can be his friend at the gym without sacrificing your self respect - and that is exactly what you are giving up waiting for this guy to want you instead of putting yourself FIRST and looking for a guy who'll want you back.

I guess I am just lonely and really have nothing else going on in my life right now. I'm turning 28 this summer and I've never been in a relationship. I don't have a big circle of friends, so I don't get out much. I've tried online dating/apps with no luck. I'm being honest here, I just have nothing else going on in my life. It's pathetic, I know. But it's the truth.

Today he was blowing up my phone again. He sent me a text/Snapchat message this morning saying hi and asking what I was doing. I kept it short and sweet without being rude. He texted me again later in the afternoon saying "hi" and when I said "what's up" he said "kiss my ass". I replied with "wtf" and he said "I'm just kidding lol" and I said "you're an asshole lol". His response was "love uuuu" and I don't know why, but I said "Love you too haha" with the kissing emoji face.

Later on we were talking again and I mentioned that I was busy at work today and he goes "yeah, you don't even see me anymore", meanwhile I just saw him on Monday when he trained me. -__- Anyway, I said "well you could've seen me the other night, but you ditched me as usual" and he didn't reply to that, but has sent me some other snapchat pics since.

I just don't know what to make of all of this. I don't know if he just likes the attention or if he does want to be friends outside of training but he's afraid to get too close to me for some reason? Or maybe he isn't fully comfortable around me yet?

He seems pretty invested in me and knows something is up since I'm not as responsive to him as I normally am, and I haven't initiated a conversation with him since he ditched me the other night. He mentioned to me during one of our recent training sessions that he stopped training a lot of his other clients because he doesn't care about them and they aren't committed. I asked him if he minds still training me and he told me that he actually enjoys training me and said "I actually care about you".

Of course something like that gets my hopes up considering how desperate and lonely I am. It's very exhausting, but again, I have nothing else going on in my life.