Good rules for fwb?

[kallipolis]

^The thread topic: Good rules for fwb? (friends with benefits)

 

[ronboy]

My ex bf and I did the fwb thing.
It didn't work for us...

If it works for you, that's wonderful!

 

[darden]

there's a fine line between fuck buddies and friends with benefits.

I've only ever had one true FWB and our only rule was that we were the only ones who ever knew about the benefits. we swore to keep it a secret from all of our other friends and future relationships (not that either of us were in the closet or anything, I'm openly gay and he's openly bi, we just didn't want the potential drama within our group of friends... and I wouldn't want a future partner feeling uncomfortable around a friend (not that it's an issue anymore; we mostly dropped out of contact after college))

 

[jensu846]

I wouldn't even bother with someone that sets strict contract rules. plenty of others to pick and play with.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Only if you haven't found the right person.

Or Android, I'd guess you'd call them.

It's very possible to fuck someone without catching feelings, if sex is all you want. But the biggest step is finding someone like-minded.

I'd be more inclined to agree if it was just a one night stand situation, but I feel (for me at least) the more frequently you interact with the other person, the more likely one of you will eventually get attached emotionally.

I also agree with others here that the distinction between FB's and FWB's comes into play as well, giving FWB's a higher likelihood of emotional attachment.

 

[mikey3000]

I'd pass and find someone else. Sex would be better with someone who actually liked people.

 

[sixthson]

Feelings for me? Goodbye

We can watch a movie - no Rom-Coms, Romance, Erotic, Independent, etc, though...

Friends with benefits. Doesn't that already imply feelings? Is there such a thing as a friend you have no feelings for?

 

[darden]

I also agree with others here that the distinction between FB's and FWB's comes into play as well, giving FWB's a higher likelihood of emotional attachment.

my own rule of thumb was that I'd never have a fuck buddy or friend with benefits that I could ever see myself dating.

the fuck buddies that I've had tended to be guys that I had great sexual chemistry with but no/few shared interests outside of bed (and two guys who were just really bad flakes... good for a midnight booty call, but trying to plan anything more than a few hours in advance was an exercise in frustration)

 

[borg69unimatrix]

my own rule of thumb was that I'd never have a fuck buddy or friend with benefits that I could ever see myself dating.

the fuck buddies that I've had tended to be guys that I had great sexual chemistry with but no/few shared interests outside of bed (and two guys who were just really bad flakes... good for a midnight booty call, but trying to plan anything more than a few hours in advance was an exercise in frustration)

Yeah... but it seems like most guys can't tell the difference between sexual chemistry and relationship chemistry.
You're doing better than most.

"Hey! The one night stand was great! Let's be boyfriends!!! I'm in love!!!"

 

[Saybrooke]

Here's the thing about me. Kissing is too emotional a thing to do with someone on a regular bases. Same with spooning. I had another fwb before and he developed feelings for me. Since we never discussed any ground rules he felt I led him on and still won't speak to me. That's why my rules are so strict. I don't want that happening again. And I am a really loving person except when sex is involved. Some may remember a while back I was posting about the same guy over and over again. Well since he broke my heart, I don't feel anything for any guy anymore. I've tried but there's nothing there. As for foreplay, hj massages and he's into feet play.

 

[xbuzzerx]

Here's the thing about me. Kissing is too emotional a thing to do with someone on a regular bases. Same with spooning. I had another fwb before and he developed feelings for me. Since we never discussed any ground rules he felt I led him on and still won't speak to me. That's why my rules are so strict. I don't want that happening again. And I am a really loving person except when sex is involved. Some may remember a while back I was posting about the same guy over and over again. Well since he broke my heart, I don't feel anything for any guy anymore. I've tried but there's nothing there. As for foreplay, hj massages and he's into feet play.

I couldn't even begin to comment competently on what are "good rules" for going about a friends-with-benefits situation.

On the other hand, I can't help but get a certain sense from both the rules and from this post that you would find it extremely undesirable for any chance of feelings developing (from either side) out of the arrangement, and with that in mind I don't think risking sex with a friend is a good idea at all, regardless of the rules. There's no perfect formula or science for this and the possibility that feelings will become involved is largely unavoidable.

 

[MoufOfKhaos]

Sent this to a potential fwb. What do you think?

We are not dating, we are not going out, I am not your bf. There’s no romance at all. No PDA, no spooning. If we have sex, it’s gonna be safe sex. If we have sex with anyone else it'll be safe sex. We will both be tested on a regular basis, preferably together. I don't like giving head and I don't like kissing. We can discuss limits and if either of us want to break off the physical aspect of this there will be no questions asked.

These are good reasonable rules right?

I like you. Let me start by stating this fact.

That said.

If you would have sent this list to me, I would have printed it out, showed it to you, laughed in your face, and left.

That list of "rules" shows both the incapability of benefits AND friendship, and makes me realize why I'm starting to see the good in one night stands rather than trying to keep a regular around that I'm not interested in dating.

 

[Gentleheart]

I guess it's "reasonable", because I do like for people to be upfront, honest, and know what they want...leaving little to no room for confusion...

but something about this just doesn't sit well with me. Sometimes, presentation is key. I don't think I like the way you choose to "present" your terms. lol

It would not work. You broke my heart at the "no romance" part.

oh, and just because I love this:

 

[borg69unimatrix]

˙pǝʞsɐ suoıʇsǝnb ou ǝq llıʍ ǝɹǝɥʇ sıɥʇ ɟo ʇɔǝdsɐ lɐɔısʎɥd ǝɥʇ ɟɟo ʞɐǝɹq oʇ ʇuɐʍ sn ɟo ɹǝɥʇıǝ ɟı puɐ sʇıɯıl ssnɔsıp uɐɔ ǝʍ ˙ƃuıssıʞ ǝʞıl ʇ,uop ı puɐ pɐǝɥ ƃuıʌıƃ ǝʞıl ʇ,uop ı ˙ɹǝɥʇǝƃoʇ ʎlqɐɹǝɟǝɹd `sısɐq ɹɐlnƃǝɹ ɐ uo pǝʇsǝʇ ǝq ɥʇoq llıʍ ǝʍ ˙xǝs ǝɟɐs ǝq ll,ʇı ǝslǝ ǝuoʎuɐ ɥʇıʍ xǝs ǝʌɐɥ ǝʍ ɟı ˙xǝs ǝɟɐs ǝq ɐuuoƃ s’ʇı `xǝs ǝʌɐɥ ǝʍ ɟı ˙ƃuıuoods ou `ɐpd ou ˙llɐ ʇɐ ǝɔuɐɯoɹ ou s’ǝɹǝɥʇ ˙ɟq ɹnoʎ ʇou ɯɐ ı `ʇno ƃuıoƃ ʇou ǝɹɐ ǝʍ `ƃuıʇɐp ʇou ǝɹɐ ǝʍ

Just as a reminder to this upside down and backwards frame of thought...

... some rules were meant to be broken.

What happens if someone breaks the rules?

 

[darden]

I can understand wanting to keep romance out of a fuck buddy situation (I fell into that trap once and was accused of leading a guy on... I asked him to dinner because I was starving after fucking all afternoon, not because I wanted to go out on a date), but setting hard rules like you're engaging in some kind of contract just seems like a mood killer.

 

[journo25]

^ ^ This. In fact, all of Darden's posts in this thread resonate with me.
The rules read in a very antiseptic, cold-blooded way to me, but perhaps a FB wouldn't take offense at the parameters the OP has set. On the other hand, FWB implies someone who is already a friend (movies? dinner?) in which case the tone of the rules is offputting. Terribly impersonal. If I received these rules I'd feel insulted.

 

[MarkScott]

This is an amazing thread. I have often wondered why fwb was not more common. Seems people are saying it is very difficult to do. I would have thought if both parties could see there was no long term future, it would be possible.
And what is the difference between fwb and fb. Friends and buddies seem like the same thing and you have to both like and trust someone to want to have sex regularly. And if you like and really trust someone, I would say you are friends.

 

[xbuzzerx]

This is an amazing thread. I have often wondered why fwb was not more common. Seems people are saying it is very difficult to do. I would have thought if both parties could see there was no long term future, it would be possible.
And what is the difference between fwb and fb. Friends and buddies seem like the same thing and you have to both like and trust someone to want to have sex regularly. And if you like and really trust someone, I would say you are friends.

There's a reason you don't see it "more often." It isn't easy to manage, and can very easily hurt or end a friendship.

 

[darden]

This is an amazing thread. I have often wondered why fwb was not more common. Seems people are saying it is very difficult to do. I would have thought if both parties could see there was no long term future, it would be possible.
And what is the difference between fwb and fb. Friends and buddies seem like the same thing and you have to both like and trust someone to want to have sex regularly. And if you like and really trust someone, I would say you are friends.

I'd say that a friend with benefits is primarily a friend, but with whom you also occasionally fool around with in bed.

with a fuck buddy, on the other hand, your relationship is primarily (and often exclusively) defined by sex. the fuck buddies that I've had were nearly all hookups that became a regular thing (usually until one of us found ourselves in a real relationship or something of the sort)

 

[journo25]

I'd say that a friend with benefits is primarily a friend, but with whom you also occasionally fool around with in bed.

with a fuck buddy, on the other hand, your relationship is primarily (and often exclusively) defined by sex. the fuck buddies that I've had were nearly all hookups that became a regular thing (usually until one of us found ourselves in a real relationship or something of the sort)

These would be my definitions as well. With my fuck buddies, we honestly never left the apartment.

Personally, finding -- then keeping -- a friend with benefits was always more precarious, esp. if we lived in the same city and could see one another whenever. One or the other of us would inevitably say, "Well, we have similar tastes in movies, books, food, music -- AND we have amazing sex when we have it. So why aren't we dating? Why aren't we boyfriends?" These days, it would probably be, "Why aren't we getting married?" Awk-ward.