Good rules for fwb?

[journo25]

One of the best threads I've read on JUB. I gained a lot of insight reading all the posts... and of course had to consider my own past experiences and current values as I worked my way through the responses.

 

[SLOPPYSECONDS]

hows collegge folk work out noses

ha

 

[eastofeden]

Sent this to a potential fwb. What do you think?

We are not dating, we are not going out, I am not your bf. There’s no romance at all. No PDA, no spooning. If we have sex, it’s gonna be safe sex. If we have sex with anyone else it'll be safe sex. We will both be tested on a regular basis, preferably together. I don't like giving head and I don't like kissing. We can discuss limits and if either of us want to break off the physical aspect of this there will be no questions asked.

These are good reasonable rules right?

I think being honest and upfront is great and if the person is not interested they can keep on going...I also understand exactly what you mean by the other guy thinking you were leading them on...been there and taken a lot of crap for it. Being specific is sometimes necessary though the same guy who develops feelings for you won't give a damn about any rules anyway and you STILL might have to pay for it.

The only thing I would suggest is defining the term "friend"...at least for yourself.

I think the term FWB might be misleading in general. The problem is the word "friend" and how each of use defines "friend". I prefer the term fuck buddies. I liked a lot of my fuck buddies just fine but after we fucked we were done. If that wasn't the case...they would not be my fuck buddy.

 

[xbuzzerx]

I don't understand why that's such a horrible thing. There are several men who--if they thought that of me--I'd have no problem with, because the feeling would be mutual.

Not wanting to date someone isn't a knock on them. You just might not be compatible. I'm not compatible with 99.9999% of folks I know.

"We're not each other's type. We have drastically different goals in life, headed in different directions. I'm too messy, you're too OCD. Hey, you're really attractive anyway. Wanna fuck?"

If two parties know that's what it's about, good for them. It's not an insult to either party.

I think being honest and upfront is great and if the person is not interested they can keep on going...I also understand exactly what you mean by the other guy thinking you were leading them on...been there and taken a lot of crap for it. Being specific is sometimes necessary though the same guy who develops feelings for you won't give a damn about any rules anyway and you STILL might have to pay for it.

The only thing I would suggest is defining the term "friend"...at least for yourself.

I think the term FWB might be misleading in general. The problem is the word "friend" and how each of use defines "friend". I prefer the term fuck buddies. I liked a lot of my fuck buddies just fine but after we fucked we were done. If that wasn't the case...they would not be my fuck buddy.

I think you got to the heart of the matter, East. I think when people say "friends with benefits" what we picture is someone you're otherwise close and social with in the way you might be with a boyfriend... except you're also fucking them, but "not calling it a relationship", and also expecting (as in an artificial rule) that no feelings should become involved on either side, and that if they do, that's a foul. That's why and where it starts to come off like a "well, you're good enough for everything but the label" or commitment phobia.

I conceive of fuckbuddy as basically like "a one-time hookup that you hook up with more than once, or on a recurring basis." In that regard it's like you described.... the relationship basically goes little farther than getting together to have sex. I can 'get' that as something totally different from a relationship and not any form of artificial rulemaking around people's emotions or feelings a lot better. When you try to imagine the fuckbuddy also going out with you, hanging out with you, eating dinner with you, sleeping over, being socially attached with you as a "friends with benefits" sort of implies, it's hard to see how the accusation of "so basically you're involved, but afraid to acknowledge any responsibility or investment or commitment that goes along with that?" isn't reasonable.

And if you are doing all of those things with someone you not only don't have any feelings for, but also don't think you're even capable of more with, it seems both idle and selfish to say "well, I laid down rules, they knew this was a friends with benefits arrangement, if they 'catch feelings' that's on THEM, and their fault." It does seem like trying to have your cake, eat all of it too, and then transfer the calories from it to someone else and say it's their fault if they put on weight. I think that's what bugs me about the concept.

 

[mikey3000]

This is where I'm really old fashioned, but how about finding someone to have a meaningful relationship with? Is this the norm in this community, no strings attached fuck buddies? We all get hurt romantically at some point in life, but does that nean we have to shield our hearts for good?

 

[MoufOfKhaos]

Why does everyone have to play by the same rulebook that worked for you?

I don't want a relationship right now because I'm not ready for one yet - that doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to fuck and make friends in the meantime.

 

[eastofeden]

This is where I'm really old fashioned, but how about finding someone to have a meaningful relationship with? Is this the norm in this community, no strings attached fuck buddies? We all get hurt romantically at some point in life, but does that nean we have to shield our hearts for good?

Who said fuck buddies aren't meaningful?

I think someone should have a meaningful relationship with themselves first and if that includes fuck buddies then so be it.

 

[xbuzzerx]

Why does everyone have to play by the same rulebook that worked for you?

I don't want a relationship right now because I'm not ready for one yet - that doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to fuck and make friends in the meantime.

I can understand not wanting to be in a relationship. I can also understand not giving up sex if you may spend some undefined period of time not ready for a relationship.

I don't understand basically engaging in a relationship with somebody, but treating any feelings developed as the enemy, and drawing up a blame game if someone does get them. If you aren't ready for a relationship then don't engage in one, even if you're giving it some "different label" or make-believing that you can have every part of a relationship and not the title and that it's then "someone else's fault" if feelings become involved.

 

[mikey3000]

Who said fuck buddies aren't meaningful?

I think someone should have a meaningful relationship with themselves first and if that includes fuck buddies then so be it.

I think what the op wants in his initial request isn't particularly meaningful, do you? I think that a relationship with the self has to include love and respect of the self, mind, body and soul.

 

[Willie Boy]

Sent this to a potential fwb. What do you think?

We are not dating, we are not going out, I am not your bf. There’s no romance at all. No PDA, no spooning. If we have sex, it’s gonna be safe sex. If we have sex with anyone else it'll be safe sex. We will both be tested on a regular basis, preferably together. I don't like giving head and I don't like kissing. We can discuss limits and if either of us want to break off the physical aspect of this there will be no questions asked.

These are good reasonable rules right?

The whole thing comes off as being unfriendly..... and seems to be more about denying benefits than anything else.

Tbh if someone sent me that I would tell them to go fuck themselves!!

that sounds like a reasonable response.

 

[mikey3000]

Tbh if someone sent me that I would tell them to go fuck themselves!!

Oh, I just got that. That is so funny.

 

[eastofeden]

I think what the op wants in his initial request isn't particularly meaningful, do you? I think that a relationship with the self has to include love and respect of the self, mind, body and soul.

I don't buy that ...never have.

I fail to see what effect sex with other consenting adults has on one's ability to love or respect themselves.

 

[Gentleheart]

How are you lecturing on norms with your own relationship attachments? If anything, I'd expect you to be understanding that these things work differently for everyone.

sorry, mikey. I have to co-sign with Spec on this.

 

[Kulindahr]

Sent this to a potential fwb. What do you think?

We are not dating, we are not going out, I am not your bf. There’s no romance at all. No PDA, no spooning. If we have sex, it’s gonna be safe sex. If we have sex with anyone else it'll be safe sex. We will both be tested on a regular basis, preferably together. I don't like giving head and I don't like kissing. We can discuss limits and if either of us want to break off the physical aspect of this there will be no questions asked.

These are good reasonable rules right?

"No spooning".

Dude, just get a blow-up doll.

 

[journo25]

It just dawned on me that most of my FB's have been partnered -- so no relationship beyond sex possible -- but to people who were pretty vanilla sexually (wouldn't lick FB's asshole, which I love to do, etc.). In these cases, "falling in love" was never an option and it was all about getting needs met. Although these were pleasurable repeat encounters with nice guys, they started as a hook-up so I wouldn't consider them FWB's.

 

[blackbeltninja]

sorry, mikey. I have to co-sign with Spec on this.

And Ninja makes 3.

-d-

 

[xbuzzerx]

And Ninja makes 3.

-d-

Spec, you, Gentle & the Shark make 4 tonight.

 

[Gentleheart]

Spec, you, Gentle & the Shark make 4 tonight.

I'm lovin' the sound of this.

 

[mikey3000]

So because I have two loving partners, one for 27 years and the other for 5 years, I'm not allowed to have an opinion on noncommittal sex? And you all judge me? Man, some guys on here fuck two strangers a day without judgement, yet someone who actyally loves his partners is an asshole. Got it. Love bad-pig sex good. I learn more and more on here every day.

 

[MoufOfKhaos]

I didn't even know you had two partners until you mentioned it just now, so you can hop down off that cross.