I kissed my bestfriend last night...

[crazyguy32]

We've been friends now for over two years though I knew him since highschool. I didn't hang out with him back then, he use to be one of the biggest bullies on campus (your typical football jock). We met each other again at our old job and starting hanging out. He was still a little "douchey" when we started hanging out, but after a while he gave up trying to act so tough around me cas' he saw it wasn't working and I wouldn't take his shit. He told me once that my "softness" was rubbing off on him .

Last night he and I were sitting around at his apartment drinking and watching tv, and he randomly starts wrestling with me (the usual). He does this to remind me of how strong he is, and even though I've beaten him a couple of times he's usually too drunk by then to even stand up. Well this time after a little struggle I finally pinned him down on the ground, and I got on top on him. I started taunting him calling him my bitch and getting close to his face. He didn't back down and started putting his lips together like he was trying to jokingly kiss me, but I lifted my head away from his. He called me a pussy, and I said "oh yeah", he said "yeah", and after what seemed forever I just did it. I put my lips on his and we kissed for a few seconds... That's when it happened, he just freaked out and out of nowhere he picked me up in midair like the fucking hulk and threw me down on the ground.

He got on top of me and started choking me with his forearm screaming "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT MAN!". He looked like he was going to kill me, his face was turning dark red, and I could barely breathe. He had his fist up in the air like he was going to punch me, but I finally got "I'm sorry" out of my mouth before he hit me, and he just stopped and let out a scream I've never heard from him before (kinda like wolverine in xmen). He got up and stumbled into the bathroom. I just laid there on the floor in complete shock... I'm still in complete shock that I actually kissed him, even though we were joking I know he has a short fuse, but he's never done anything like that to me before.

I sat up on the couch and he came out of the bathroom, grabbed his keys and walked out of the door without even looking at me. I tried to say something, but the words wouldn't come. After awhile I left his apartment when he didn't return. I tried calling him the next morning but he didn't answer. I sent him a text saying I'm sorry and I didn't mean to do it, but he didn't reply. The problem with all of this is when I was kissing him he didn't try to stop me at all, I even felt his lips move a little before he went all psycho on me. What's so messed up is a few weeks ago he was telling me how he saw me as the little brother he never had, and how he was glad we were real best friends. Part of me just wants to erase it all since I was the one who initiated it, but the other side of me wants to beat the shit out of him for trying to kill me. Should I just give him time to cool down and pretend like it never happened when he calls, or should I just confront him about why he got so angry at me?

 

[joeG23]

You have got to give him time and let him make the first move to re-establish his friendship. You have touched a very raw nerve with him. It is likely that he has strong feelings for you, but they conflict with his image of himself. Let him know you are his friend and want to remain so. If you get to the talking stage, you need to let him know that he has to shoulder responsibility too for what happened. He initiated the wrestling and puckered his lips. He must also be told that the way he reacted was wrong, and must not happen again. I hope you guys work it out.

 

[texan_slant]

UM,

Well, if he thought of you as his "little brother," it is very unlikely that he thought of you in any other than that. Imagine if someone you thought of as a little sister tried to mack out with you.

You gotta give him space for awhile, with no communication. When you do try to intitiate contact, though, make sure that you get some face time in rather than being too dependent on email or text.

To be very blunt, it's very might be probable that you will no longer have a friendship, though if it does circle back to the way things were, then it will have proved what a great friend he is.

 

[medic1]

Buddy he got angry on you because you kissed him and he was probably not
expecting it. Also if he identifies as straight then i can understand , though NOT
condone his actions , also you dont know he may be wrestling with these close
feelings that he has with another guy,especially 1 that he see,s as his little
brother. Having said that your head must be up your ass with lots of conflicting
emotions as well.
All i can say is give it a little time for the whole situation to try and calm down a bit and hopefully your close friendship will count for something.
I hope that it turns out ok for the both of you .

 

[looseliam]

Fuck giving him time. Fuck wondering if he's gay.

Get this person out of your life. He'd bad news.

I don't care what the circumstances are; there's no excuse for him to do to you what he did.

 

[medic1]

Fuck giving him time. Fuck wondering if he's gay.

Get this person out of your life. He'd bad news.

I don't care what the circumstances are; there's no excuse for him to do to you what he did.

This is true there is no excuse for him hitting you,we have all seen scumbag lawyers using the Gay Panic excuse when they are on trial for causing the
death or serious injury of a gay man,should say not the lawyers on trial but
their scumbag clients.

 

[KaraBulut]

Fuck giving him time. Fuck wondering if he's gay.

Get this person out of your life. He'd bad news.

I don't care what the circumstances are; there's no excuse for him to do to you what he did.

^^QFT

There's a history here. This guy's a loose cannon. He's a bully. He's abusive.

What is going on here is a pattern of extreme cold alternating with extreme hot.

He bullies you. Then he tells you that you're like a little brother to him.

He tells you that your softness is rubbing off on him. Then he gets drunk and starts getting very physical with you under the guise of "wrestling".

He taunts you about kissing him. Then he nearly kills you when you do kiss him.

This guy is a time-bomb. You're lucky to be alive. And the next time, you may not be so lucky.

For your own safety and your own sanity, get this guy out of your life. There are plenty of guys out there who are looking for friends, who will accept you for who you are and with whom you don't have to worry about being beaten up.

 

[crazyguy32]

Hey guys thanks for the replies. Well he called me this morning and told me he was sorry about what he did. I was still angry at him so my langauge wasn't exactly "proper" but he didn't fight with me he just kept saying he was sorry and that it would never happen again.

I told him I still wanted to be friends, but I couldn't trust that he wouldn't do something like that again. He told me to come over to his place later today so we can talk face to face.

Right now I really don't know what to think. I mean despite what happened he really is a good guy, and he hasn't had an "anger episode" since we went to a bar a year ago, some guy was being an asshole to me and he lost it (things got broken), but in his own weird way it showed me that he actually cares about me. I'm just going to talk to him later and take it from there.

 

[Seasoned]

He has at least two issues which he needs to address before ge kills someone, booze and anger. He ought to take the 20 question AA quiz and he ought to sign up for an anger management program today or tomorrow.

It's up to you to forgive him. If you do, please leave at the first sip of alcohol.

 

[medic1]

Hey there Crazyguy.
Am glad in a way that you both think that your relationship is savable having
said that i would urge caution tonight.
The other posters are bang-on with what they say,though only you can make
that decision of yay or nay , though all the stats that i have seen about domestic
violence shows that many offenders both male and female over time it does
escalate , and even though he is your best-friend and not your lover make no
mistake THAT was domestic violence.
Again i wish you well for later on , take care Adam .

 

[Queerwitch]

You know, you could have called the police, and his ass would probably be sitting in jail right now. A relative of mine recently "lost it" with his girlfriend (she just out of nowhere caught him in the shower and began scratching him with her nails). He was startled, she wouldn't let up, and he snapped, and began choking her. He wound up charged with assault. He spent time in jail over that bitch.

My point is, it's NOT your fault this happened because you kissed him! It was a fucking kiss, you were hardly trying to rape him. The posters here that said otherwise and then encouraged you to "make up" are dumbasses.

Just be careful. He needs professional help.

 

[crazyguy32]

Hey guys,

I went over to his place tonight, and things were a little awkward at first, like he was trying to pretend the whole thing didn't happen. We sat on the couch and he was silent for a while until he told me he was sorry about what happened last night... again. I told him that there was no reason for him to go all crazy like that over a kiss, especially when it was in jest. He went quiet for a second and then said "I don't know why I did that, I guess it was a moment of gay panic" (thanks medic1 for educating me on that term).

I told him "there was nothing gay about what we did, what if you kissed your mom on the lips would that be incest", he didn't say anything. I told him there must be something else going on b/c that was more than just a moment of "gay panic", and then he did something else I've never seen him do before... he started crying, and I was like "oh shit" in my mind.

He told me that when he was four years old his great uncle "touched" him where he shouldn't have and that was as far as he got, but it was enough to fuck him up mentally for the rest of his life. I was speecless, I didn't know what to do or say. He told me that he never told anyone about that before not even his parents, and basically now I feel like an asshole for being mad at him. I told him that I was going to help him anyway I can, but first he's gotta stop drinking so much b/c that's not helping the situation. He said he would try for me, I told him to do it for himself. I gave him a hug and he held me so tight I couldn't breathe, but this time I didn't mind it. He looked like he wanted to tell me something else before I left, but he didn't, and I didn't push it. We're going to hang out again tomorrow, but I don't think I should bring it up again. I'll keep you guys posted.

Thanks for reading.

 

[texan_slant]

WOW. That is pretty intense, and it goes to show that he trusts you. You're pretty blessed for him to feel like you have a good friendship.

Agreed that you shouldn't bring it up again; let him open up whenever he is ready to.

 

[joeG23]

I am not surprised by your news. Your friend needs help, but you are probably not best placed to give it. I would encourage him to talk to a professional counsellor - is there someone at college? school? a phoneline (gay or straight) he can call. He has to get this out of his system and make sure it does not ruin his life. He can deal with it. He needs to know you are there for him. You need to respect his space, but you are also a friend who can give him support. He might be gay, he might not. At the minute there's too much going round in his head to be sure. Does he know you are gay? That is going to be another complication, and is another reason why he needs to sort himself out if your friendship is to be a lasting one. He has put his trust in you, you need to respect it. Best of luck.

 

[medic1]

Hey there Crazyguy.
Am really glad that you went through with the visit last night i think that you
will find over time and when he feels more comfortable more details will come
out,hindsight is a strange thing perhaps you now know why he drinks so much.
In time and at a pace that you both feel comfortable with he will benefit from
counseling for both his drinking and violent mood swings.
There is no way that you can condone what he did but perhaps now you may be willing to listen to what he has to tell you.
Though if he ever reverts back to his old self then buddy you have done your best
to be supportive but call it a day .
What you have to realise and i think you do is the soul-searching he must have done to even admit this sexual abuse ever happened and i think that it is an
indication of his feelings of trust in you that have helped him to manage this.
Though you have to show a bit of tough love and llay down the law,as in he must
never,ever lay a finger on you again or that will be the end.
What he probably neds now more than anything is re-assurance from you that
you will be there to support him and that what happened was in no way his
fault . Take care buddy .

 

[crazyguy32]

I am not surprised by your news. Your friend needs help, but you are probably not best placed to give it. I would encourage him to talk to a professional counsellor - is there someone at college? school? a phoneline (gay or straight) he can call. He has to get this out of his system and make sure it does not ruin his life. He can deal with it. He needs to know you are there for him. You need to respect his space, but you are also a friend who can give him support. He might be gay, he might not. At the minute there's too much going round in his head to be sure. Does he know you are gay? That is going to be another complication, and is another reason why he needs to sort himself out if your friendship is to be a lasting one. He has put his trust in you, you need to respect it. Best of luck.

I'm not gay, only curious which is why I found this forum, and probably why I kissed him, but all that seems pretty minimal right now considering what he's going through.

 

[crazyguy32]

Hey there Crazyguy.
Am really glad that you went through with the visit last night i think that you
will find over time and when he feels more comfortable more details will come
out,hindsight is a strange thing perhaps you now know why he drinks so much.
In time and at a pace that you both feel comfortable with he will benefit from
counseling for both his drinking and violent mood swings.
There is no way that you can condone what he did but perhaps now you may be willing to listen to what he has to tell you.
Though if he ever reverts back to his old self then buddy you have done your best
to be supportive but call it a day .
What you have to realise and i think you do is the soul-searching he must have done to even admit this sexual abuse ever happened and i think that it is an
indication of his feelings of trust in you that have helped him to manage this.
Though you have to show a bit of tough love and llay down the law,as in he must
never,ever lay a finger on you again or that will be the end.
What he probably neds now more than anything is re-assurance from you that
you will be there to support him and that what happened was in no way his
fault . Take care buddy .

Thanks for your comments. I want to talk to him some more about everything, but I'm going to have to take it one day at a time.

 

[evanrick]

I'm no therapist but I'd say he's acting out anger he has towards his uncle on you. He was violated, and when you kissed him, he felt the need to defend himself as he wasn't able to before. I don't know if he's gay but he clearly loves you, seeing you as a person that can give
him the love he needs. If he sees you as a brother, he may have felt his trust was betrayed.you may want to tell him that you have feelings for men and you kissed him in that context, since he views your relationship differently than you.

 

[Queerwitch]

Still be careful. And I'm not trying to preach. The fact that such a horrible thing happened to him so long ago did not absolve him from failing to control his feelings, and reacting to a kiss from a friend by trying to choke him. And again, you have no reason to feel sorry for having been mad. He didn't slap your face, or merely pull away, he *choked* you.

Talk to any woman who's been with guys who promise never to hit them again after it's happened once. See how many of the guys kept that promise.

Best of luck to you both.

 

[crazyguy32]

I'm no therapist but I'd say he's acting out anger he has towards his uncle on you. He was violated, and when you kissed him, he felt the need to defend himself as he wasn't able to before. I don't know if he's gay but he clearly loves you, seeing you as a person that can give
him the love he needs. If he sees you as a brother, he may have felt his trust was betrayed.you may want to tell him that you have feelings for men and you kissed him in that context, since he views your relationship differently than you.

Maybe I should clarify things. I consider myself straight as I haven't done anything with another guy before beyond the "kiss" and actually I've never really thought about it that much until it happened with him. I've never looked at him in a sexual way, and I see him as a brother as well, even though we are not blood related, so I don't see anything wrong with what we did.