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I Need your Filthiest, Raunchiest, Worst Joke...

Re: I Need your Filthiest, Raunchiest, Worst Joke.

A man and his wife have been together for many years and they are desperately trying to have a baby. They had been to fertility experts and tried many different things in their quest.

One fateful day the wife goes into the bathroom and comes out screaming waving a home pregnancy test showing results that are positive.

They go to the Dr. and he confirms that the woman is indeed pregnant. The couple are overjoyed. They begin taking Lamaze classes together, get the nursery ready, have a fantastic baby shower... the whole works.

9 months pass and the couple are in the maternity ward, the husband grasping his wifes hands trying to coach her through her breathing... the woman pushing and pushing... tears streaming down both their faces at this incredibly joyous occasion.

The Dr. tells the woman "One more push" at which point the baby pops out, but instead of the Dr. holding the baby up and slapping it's bottom he proceeds to swing the baby around the room slamming it into walls and on the floor and across the room.

The couple are AGHAST a total state of shock on their faces, when the Dr. looks at them and says, " I'm just kidding, it was already dead."
 
Re: I Need your Filthiest, Raunchiest, Worst Joke.

Highlight to see answers...

What do you get when you hit a dead baby over the head with a frying pan?
A hard-on

What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?
I don't cum every time I take a bite out of an apple

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage

*****************************

Two necrophiliacs are sitting on a park bench. One asks the other, "So, are you still seeing the same girl?"

His friend shakes his head and replies, "Nah. Rotten cunt split on me."
 
Re: I Need your Filthiest, Raunchiest, Worst Joke.

2 sweet old ladies are sitting on the front porch watching the rain come down talking about the good old days when the tea kettle begins to whistle. One old lady gets up ad pulls a condom out of her pocket and begins to roll it over her cigarette. The second old lady watches this and when the first returns she inquisitively asks "What is that?"
"It's a prophylactic." replies the first. "I roll it over my smokes to keep them from getting wet on days like this."

The second old lady asks "Where did you get it?"
"At the drug store." The first lady answers.

A few days later the second old lady goes into her nearest drug store and walks to the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he sells any prophylactics.

"Of course we do ma'am, what size are you looking for?"

"Oh just one big enough to fit a camel."
 
Re: I Need your Filthiest, Raunchiest, Worst Joke.

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a really cute guy tied to the rails. I untied him, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"

His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"

"No, I couldn't find his head."
 
Re: I Need your Filthiest, Raunchiest, Worst Joke.

Those are awful! [-X

:badgrin:

(caution: the next joke isn't for the faint of heart)






A guy hires a Male prostitute and they go back to the hotel where the guy begins plowing the prostitute's ass.

He complains that it's like fucking sandpaper.

The prostitute apologizes, retires to the restroom for a few minutes and returns.

The other guy starts plowing away, and says, "That's great! What did you do?"






The prostitute replies, "I removed the scabs."

:eek:
 
Re: I Need your Filthiest, Raunchiest, Worst Joke.

"I'm ringing in to tell you I can't come into work today - I'm sick."
"Oh, that's no good - how sick are you?"
"I'm in bed with a nine year old - is that sick enough for you?"

Oh dear.

-T.
 
Re: I Need your Filthiest, Raunchiest, Worst Joke.

teadrinker said:
"I'm ringing in to tell you I can't come into work today - I'm sick."
"Oh, that's no good - how sick are you?"
"I'm in bed with a nine year old - is that sick enough for you?"

Oh dear.

-T.
Click to expand...

:rotflmao:

YES! That's more than sick enough.

How do you get your lover to scream during sex?






Call him from where you're having sex! ..|
 
Re: I Need your Filthiest, Raunchiest, Worst Joke.

okay don't hold these against me...

What's the worse thing about eating bald pussy?
- Puttng the diaper back on.

What's the difference between a baby and a pizza?
- A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.


*runs out of the room in fear now *
 
Re: I Need your Filthiest, Raunchiest, Worst Joke.

Steve Hughes, One of my favourite comedians makes a fair point. He said,

"I heard, that in England, if you have your right ear pierced, which I do, it means you're gay? Really? See, in Australia, it's when ye get yer cock in another mans arse."
 
Re: I Need your Filthiest, Raunchiest, Worst Joke.

What's the difference between jews and a batch of cookies?

Cookies don't scream when you put them in an oven.


Yo mama got a tattoo of a P on one buttcheek and a W on the other, and when she bends over, it says

POW
 
Re: I Need your Filthiest, Raunchiest, Worst Joke.

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl asks "Mummy what are they doing?". The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes".

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes. The next day the girl
asks her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?". Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"

Yucky, scroll down.............

Here goes..................

Are you prepared for this????????

It's REALLY NASTY........

















She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa"
 
Re: I Need your Filthiest, Raunchiest, Worst Joke.

How do you get 100 Haitians in a trash can ?
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Tell them it floats.



Did you hear about the gay guy who worked at the sperm bank ?
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.He got fired for drinking on the job..... :rolleyes:
 
Re: I Need your Filthiest, Raunchiest, Worst Joke.

How do you fit four gay men on a barstool ?
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Flip it over.
 
Re: I Need your Filthiest, Raunchiest, Worst Joke.

Oh christ, I keep forgeting how crap americans are with sick jokes...this is gonna be fun.

"Is it rape if he cums?"

"What activity is statiscally enjoyed by 9/10 people? Gang rape."

"Staistically, 9/11 Americans wont get this joke...

Ironicly enough, 7/7 Brits will."


"What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult."
 
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