I'm really considering coming out to my Mom here soon.

[Sexpun de Come]

But once I get to the "I'm gay" part I have absolutely no idea what to say after that.

Do I... shake her hand? I dunno.

 

[pilotguy121a]

There really isn't much to say after that. She'll probably sit there for a bit taking it in and then start with the questioning. Once you tell her you just have to go with the flow. At least that was my experience.

 

[Seasoned]

Play out a couple of different scenarios of how she might react and have your follow ups to each ready. Tell yourself that you will remain calm and confident regardless of her response. She may be accepting from the get go or she may have questions such as:
Do you have a boyfriend?
Have you had sex?
Have you had sex with a girl?
How do you know?

If you live in the States you may want to have some PFLAG info for her.

I'm hoping it goes well. Please let us know. Good luck.

 

[mc7777]

I just came out to my mom today! I did what Seasoned suggested. Based off how I know my mom is and think, I just had a couple of situations thought out in my head. If she says this, then I will say this. I would say though, let her react, then you react. Don't try to think ahead too much. Mine really didn't ask very many questions, but I told her that later on if she thought of any, I gave her the invite to ask away later.

Mine experience went perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better outcome. Look for my post on here some of my story! Good Luck!

 

[Sexpun de Come]

What if it goes bad and she starts crying?

 

[mc7777]

What if it goes bad and she starts crying?

It is quite possible there will be emotion from her and you as well. There is no set way or perfect process to do so. I suggest carefully examining your particular circumstances and situation. Is your mother really religious? Has she made comments that might suggest she is suspicious? Those are the kinds of questions only you can answer. Even with the perfect answers you still aren't guaranteed it to go 100% right. It could be bad, then she comes around.

I say if she gets emotional, just let her process the emotion, and go from there. If she cries for a little then looks up and asks you a question, answer it (best to be armed with the info needed to address her.) Read her reaction and respond to what she does or says accordingly.

 

[Sexpun de Come]

She's moderately religious. I think the whole "I can't have children" thing would be what would upset her the most.

And I really don't know if she suspects that I'm gay. The other day I was talking to her about how I wouldn't vote for Mitt Romney and her first reply to that was "You know he's not as homophobic as Rick Perry or Rick Santorum." Which made me a little suspicious.

Anyway. When I go to do it should I give like a speech, or some kind of introduction to it? Or should I just jump right in and tell her?

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Sexpun de Come,

I tend to advise you to jump right in and tell her that you are gay. Her quote about Mitt Romney could be an indication that she might have some clues that you are gay.

Besides that, real homophobes will never ever say something like "(...) he's not as homophobic as (...)'. That's another clue that your mother will not react too bad. Maybe she has gay friends / co-workers (etc)?

So tell her straightforward that you are gay, and wait on her replies. Likely / maybe, she will have (alot of) questions, and you can give answer to these questions.

I am unsure about your age, and your profile indicates that you are living in Iowa. I tend to think that right now the public opinion within the US about gay people is changing quickly, and in a very positive way.

Your mother will be aware that you don't have a girlfriend. Likely (?) she might also have the idea that you are 'hiding' certain items for her (i.e. visiting JustUsBoys, meeting gay friends, etc, see also the recent posting of mc7777).

Kids. Towards my opinion, parents can never ever push their childeren to get kids.

Others have already given you good advice. I would like to add to tell it soon.

Take care & good luck & feel free to react and/or ask more questions.

 

[lambdaboy]

Just when the time is right say I have tried never to do anything behind your back and be truthful with you. I know now I am gay and I am ok with it and hope you can be too, I love you.

 

[syoBsUtsuJ]

Everybody's "coming out" story is different. I came out as being bi when I was 17 and gay at 22. Ha ha, I got an eyeroll and a "no, you're not" from mom. I am 29 now, and my devoutly Catholic mother is still successfully deluding herself into believing that I am merely just going through a phase.

 

[raskdog]

My mum and dad both reacted totally opposite to what I would have expected them to. I thought my mum would have been fairly accepting of it. She wasn't. I thought my father would have been fairly negative about it. He wasn't. He wasn't really positive either. It was just like, "Meh. Who cares?"

The thing I found funny about it was that I was sure my mum had some inkling. I had a fascination with Harrison Ford before I came out. My mum noticed this and said to me, "You know he's a male don't you"? When I reminded her of this conversation after I came out it was like, "Yeah, but I didn't really mean anything by it. I didn't even think that you might have actually been gay". I told my mum first and her reaction was, "Don't tell your father. It will kill him". I told my father six weeks later and he was fairly non-plussed about the whole thing. My mum is now very accepting but it took her a while.

Anyway the point of this is that you can never tell for sure how someone is going to react so be prepared for a variety of different reactions.

 

[tbtmo02]

When I came I out i just told her that I am still me and nothing changed except for the person i want to be with. Just reassure her just you still that same person. If she reacts badly I would suggest stepping away from the it for some time and let her think about it.

 

[mc7777]

I did the whole pulling off a band aid approach. What I mean is that I thought I could pull the band aid slow and have it hurt for a duration of time, or pull it off really fast and have it hurt at once.

I just got ticked I wasn't sure what to say so I pull the band aid off fast. She walked into the room after I told her I had to talk to her. I just said, "I'm gay," awaiting her reaction that would dictate my response. My plan was to simply respond to what she did reacting accordingly.

In my situation I was the one more dumb founded with her response. I actually felt kind of dumb and caught off guard when she said she made up her mind 3 YEARS AGO!

 

[Seasoned]

I bet you're relieved!

 

[Sexpun de Come]

I just turned 18 recently so I still live at home and I'll be starting college in a few days (here's hoping that'll go well)

I think I'm gonna tell her soon that I want her to go with me to my next counseling session, which I got to talk to someone about being gay.

Hopefully it'll go better if I have someone there mediating it. But it would mean I'll be forced to do it at that point in time and won't be able to chicken out at the last minute.

Also y'alls stories have made me feel more calm about this. Thank you for that

 

[Seasoned]

Please do exactly what feels right for you to do, but I'm going to ask you to consider a suggestion. Why not keep the joint counseling session open as a possibility after you tell her? It seems to me that by bringing her to a therapy session to tell her you think you're admitting to a defect rather than another normal sexual orientation. Remember that you're not seeking help to explain a terminal illness. So, my question to you is, how do you feel about being gay? If you are not at least 90% self-accepting I'd consider postponing telling your mother.

Please remember this about advice, take what you like and leave the rest. You have your mind and your experience and your therapist to help do what is right for you. I think your mom knows or why else would she have brought up her thoughts on the level of homophobia in the Republican Party?

I'm wishing you all the best. Try not to be so scared. You are normal, just not in the majority.

 

[Sexpun de Come]

What I feel about being gay is that I've never been more sure about anything in my life and that I want to finally be open about it.

The only reason I'm considering bringing her there is because having a third party there to aleviate the tension might end up being helpful. I just can't find a time that feels right in my everyday life with her.

I'm not going to present it like it's a defect or a mental illness. It's caused me a great deal of stress and pain over the years, but it's far from something that I'm ashamed of or convinced that I can reverse.

(sigh) My session is tomorrow. I haven't told her that I want her to attend yet, and I'm constantly having doubts of whether or not I should or just keep it to myself. I know that if I don't work up the courage to do it it'll just keep eating at me.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Sexpun de Come,

Thanks for the additional information and good to read that you are ready to be open about yourself. I tend to think that right now, when starting college soon, is an excellent moment to tell your mother that she has a gay son who is a very happy and relaxed guy.

I agree with Seasoned that it is very likely that your mother either will have some ideas about your sexual orientation or has friends / workmates / aquaintances / relatives (etc.) who are gay/lesbian. In other words, she seems not strongly against gay people. Her views about the homophobe level of people within the Republican Party is a very clear demonstration of this.

Hey man, start telling her, with or without the third party (that's up to you), that you want to tell her something important. Just say to her 'Mom I am gay and I am happy' and your task is done. The door of your closet is open and you can go to college as a happy and relaxed student who happens to be gay. You can make straight and gay and all kind of friends over there, but you won't need to hide/ly to your mother (and to other people) about this important part of yourself.

So I would like to wish you good luck. Don't hesitate, and be aware of the award that you will live with much, much less stress, when you don't need to hide/ly anymore that you are gay.

Good luck, and please keep us informed.

Take care

 

[NCDogGuy]

Hello Sexpun de Come,
Did you have your session today? What did you decide to do?

Seasoned gave good advice as usual.

My advice/thoughts are:
- You cannot predict how others will react. You can only control how you present yourself and you react to them.
- How others react is a reflection on their emotional state and their being, not a reflection or statement about you.
- I like thinking of out coming out as sharing something important about ourselves so that we can have a more honest relationship with those we care about.
- Only you know when the time is right. Folks here told me I would know I was ready to come out when I reached the point I was obsessing about it. At that point the stress of not doing it became worse than the fears of what might happen.

Having said all that, you are still dependent on your parents and are about to start college. Regardless of my first statement, if you honestly think there is a reasonable chance your telling them will cause them to cut off their support for you, you can consider waiting until you are more independent. I consider that ethical to do because I think parents cutting off support for their gay offspring simply because of them being gay is a heinous violation of the parent-child relationship.

Best of luck to you. I hope things go well when you do share this side of yourself with your parents.

 

[Sexpun de Come]

No, I didn't bring her to the session. I did however tell her that I wanted her to go to my next session (which is on the 13th). So basically I agreed to come out to her on that day.

Now I'm probably gonna stress out thinking about it for the next two weeks or so.

And I doubt they'll kick me out of the house. They don't love gay people, but I could never see them doing that.