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Life sucks- somebody help

I'm not denying anything. I know I have an attraction. I know enjoyed sex with another guy. I know I like putting a penis in my mouth. But does that make me gay?
 
If it did - and here's where you begin solving your problems - would that be a bad thing? Would it bother you to be gay?

You don't have to answer that to us, just think about it. If it wouldn't bother you - no worries, life is good.

But if it would, you are not a freak. It bothered me too, badly, to the point where I couldn't even contemplate thinking of myself as gay, say the word, or hell even write it down. It took a full crash and burn for me to be able to say "I am a gay man, and there is nothing wrong with that."

Generally the guys with the problems have them because they have internalized all the hateful things that bigots have said, they believed them, and think in one form or another that being gay is being a traitor to your gender. That's where the self hate comes from, the fear other people will know, the fear there' something wrong with you.

If you can convince yourself in your head that gay is absolutely normal, masculine behavior, just like straight or bi. None of this will matter to you anymore.

EVEN IF YOU END UP BI OR STRAIGHT
 
Yes. I know all the media, and religion, and othe crap got to my head that being gay is "bad". But, and I mean this in derogatory way, why isn't it wrong? Because you have an attraction and should be allowed to act on it? People have bad feelings about all sorts of things, and that doesn't make it right. And if you have the thought it doesn't mean it's who you are. You're not your thoughts.
 
Ok bear with me. The first thing you need is a major paradigm shift. Gay straight bi, these are traits, like hair color, they are neither right nor wrong.

Right and wrong are value judgments made by people for a variety of reasons then APPLIED sometimes to physical traits like sexuality because of external things, like bigotry.

Being a gay man is neither right nor wrong, it’s just me, just who I am. The haters would certainly like me to think of my sexuality in terms of wrong, but who the hell are they to make something that has always been with us in every culture at every time in history into a sin I must feel guilty about.

Fuck that.

So long as you are defining yourself, and things that are integral to who you are, things that aren’t going to change, by a someone else’s twisted need to tell you who you can and cannot be in defiance of nature and the whole history of mankind (the gay has always always always been with us) – you are not going to come to terms with yourself.

There is no right or wrong about sexuality. There is right and wrong about how you treat people, and how do the haters stack up on that scorecard?


One of the primary ways internalized homophobia defends itself is through justification. You’ve pulled out example B.

…If I think it but never do it, I’m not gay!...

Unfortunately you can be gay and never touch another man in your whole life, because the actual sex is only a part of it. Haters reduce gay to the sex because if they didn’t they’d have to deal with reality.

When you find yourself coming up with convoluted arguments why the gay can't apply to yourself, chances are you are justifying so you don't have to deal with the possibility you are in fact gay.
 
Kien- If one has an exclusive attraction.

What do you mean by an emotional attraction?
 
Look this stuff is scary, it's hard to deal with, I suspect your initial reaction is going to be a knee jerk insistence that this isn't you. Maybe it's not, maybe it is, but whatever you're thinking right now, don't stop talking.
 
ConfusedJew1 said:
Kien- If one has an exclusive attraction.

What do you mean by an emotional attraction?
Click to expand...

We use the labels because the are a method of easily classifying and they are comprehensive gay-straight-bi. Covers the spectrum accurately but is by no means comprehensive.

Emotional attractions are love as opposed (or in addition to) lust. Unfortunately when it comes to love and emotions, homophobia muddies the waters.
 
Well, I'm not going to deny it. I fell in love with my friend who I was having sex with. But I don't know if that was because of the sex or because of him.

I've never loved any other guys. I've lusted them....
 
ConfusedJew1 said:
Well, I'm not going to deny it. I fell in love with my friend who I was having sex with. But I don't know if that was because of the sex or because of him.

I've never loved any other guys. I've lusted them....
Click to expand...

Remember justification example B:

…If I think it but never do it, I’m not gay!...

You just pulled out example A:

...I'm not gay, it's just him...

Straight men do not fall in love with every girl they bang, far from it. Why would you fall for every guy?

Plus when I said that internalized homophobia muddies emotions, what that means is you could very well be impeding in one way or another any emotions for guys that you can, because you don't want them.
 
Yes I enjoy their company. Even straight people enjoy the same sex's company. Certain people I do feel emotionally connected to. Do I think I can love them? Yes.

I THINK I'm more phsyically attracted to women. I've never had sex with a woman, so I can't gague that. And, honestly I'm not sure who I connect better with.
 
TX-Beau said:
Remember justification example B:

…If I think it but never do it, I’m not gay!...

You just pulled out example A:

...I'm not gay, it's just him...

Straight men do not fall in love with every girl they bang, far from it. Why would you fall for every guy?

Plus when I said that internalized homophobia muddies emotions, what that means is you could very well be impeding in one way or another any emotions for guys that you can, because you don't want them.
Click to expand...

There definitely was an emotional connection before we started having sex. There was something there, I don't know if I loved him then. Do I love him now? Yes, but the sex might have confused things. I loved him before too, but as a friend, not as a lover.
 
I think it's curious that you say you are more attracted to women but you've only ever been motivated enough to go find sex with a man.

Don't you think that if you really wanted a woman, physically or otherwise you'd have done something about it by now? You're 24 not 18.

Look when your body is telling you one thing, and your mind is refusing to listen, you get confused. What are you DOING? Are you out asking women out? Are you trying to hook up? Are you dating them? Have you ever done so CONSISTENTLY?

If not, sugar, your body is trying to tell you something.
 
I had sex with a man because the opportunity fell in my lap. I'm an orthodox Jew, and it's wrong to have premarital relations, and I've tried to be a good Jew. Have I dated women? Yes, and I enjoyed it very much so.
 
Oh man, so if you're an Orthodox Jew, I'm assuming practicing, that means you probably have a whole list of specific things you need to talk to gay men who understand your background and community about.

That's kinda out of my depth, being an agnostic former Baptist Scot.

I'm assuming that as an Orthodox Jew sleeping with a man is a no no also where ever it fell, but that didn't stop you now did it.

When it comes to social dynamics in a community like yours, I'm not going to be of much help.
 
You should ask if there are any Jews in here who might have a better read on your situation.
 
Yes it was a no no, an I felt very guilty. But like I said I wasn't pursuing it, it kind of just happened.

Also, yes there's a lot of pressure from the religion and that does make things more pressured, but if I'm going to be gay, I'm going to give up religion, it's kind of contradictory to be a practicing orthodox Jew and be fucking guys.

Right now I just want to figure out my sexuality and what my feelings mean.
 
Yeah, it's why I'm no longer Baptist. Though I suspect that my commitment to the Southern Baptists was no where near what you probably feel for your community. Kinda apples and oranges I suppose.

Well, how do you feel about giving up your religion. I'm not a Jew let alone an Orthodox one, but isn't that kind of like giving up a whole lot more than simply not going to services once a week?

I can't imagine that would be a very easy decision to make.
 
Well, I wouldn't mind giving up the religion to do what I have to. Yes it is more than just service once a week, but lately for me that's all it's been. I do have the mindset and Jewish thoughts, but that will quickly change. As with everything I have my ups and downs when I feel more spiritual and not. Although one is supposed to, I never really prayed three times a day. So to give it up won't be a heartbreaker. Besides, I'd love to try some non-Kosher food!
 
dude, you've never had sex with a girl, but you've had sex with a guy. you're 24. this isn't that hard to figure out.

btw, it's not wrong to have premarital relationships. it's wrong to have premarital relationships according to a very rigid and narrow set of outdated beliefs that have little to do with if someone is a good person or not.

being gay isn't a choice - following your religion is.

and there's lots of gay jews. you could just give up the orthodox part of it.
 
"No flame zone", so thanks for insulting me. Also, read above, I would give up my religion if necessary.
 
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