Lost my love of 30 years...... and feeling lost

[PASSAT]

After Forever - 'Cry with a Smile'

Cry with a smile
My heart is bleeding
Bewildered I'm here alone
Why is there pain in a beautiful moment?
Why do I feel so lost, so empty?

Cry with a smile
My heart is healing
From pain I knew that would come
Why is there luck in a deeply sad moment?
Why do I feel so calm, so peaceful?

Take my heart and set it free
Take my heart and give it time to heal
I know in my memories you'll live
Take my heart a little while
Take it with you to the place you'll go
I know we will meet again some day

Cry with a smile
My heart was dreaming
Of time I knew would come to an end
Why do I cry about a beautiful memory?
Why do I feel so hurt, so lonely?

Take my heart and set it free
Take my heart and give it time to heal
I know; in my memories you'll live
Take my heart a little while
Take it with you to the place you'll go
I know we will meet again some day​

I do not know you and unable to give more consolation than my deepest apologies for your loss. I can't even imagine the toll on me if I lost my love of one year, let alone 30. I commend you for your strength and will throughout the ordeal.

I thought of this song because your situation also reminded me of events in my own family. Particularly with AIDS suffering [My Uncle]. The passing was what you could describe as bitter-sweet for my mom and the rest of the family. He was very ill and barely holding on. In constant pain, needing near coma-levels of drugs, and always taking turns for the worst. They dealt with his passing with tearful smiles as they knew he was at least no longer suffering.

I can only imagine that you may have the same sentiments, which can be the foundation for strength in going through loss. It's difficult to lose someone, but I think there can be some degree of relief that a loved one is no longer in pain and suffering.

But please, share your feeling with those who support you and want to help.

Peace and love be with you.

Iudicium86~
WoW~ What an amazing individual you must be...... Thanks so much for your message. You nailed my situation spot on with respect to knowing that my Steven is no longer in pain, I am truly at peace knowing this.

Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your uncle.


Bob

 

[oakpope]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have not much worthwhile to write to you, I can only say that I think pain can lessen with time, and that your 30 years long relationship is something to celebrate. This and the quality of your posts speak volume about yourself, your partner surely was lucky to have you. Your behaviour in these so sad times is outstanding and I would be proud if I could have as much courage as you have in these circumstances.

All the love in the world for you.

 

[roadtripboy]

I am terribly sorry for your loss.

 

[pocono]

I'm so sorry!

 

[seven2go]

What worries me is you going through the motions and seeming to avoid doing any kind of mourning, and coming to terms and accepting the loss.

I can only imagine the range of emotions you're going through... You should let them out and express them!

Laugh. Cry. Scream. Yell. Bawl. Smile.

Don't bottle it up. Take some time off. You deserve it. You need it.

I recently lost my Dad. I was even organist for his funeral. I stayed strong when I needed to be as it seems so have you.
It's time to let it out. Bawl your eyes out.
If you haven't yet done that.......please do.
Once that's out of the way things will only get better.......

 

[PASSAT]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have not much worthwhile to write to you, I can only say that I think pain can lessen with time, and that your 30 years long relationship is something to celebrate. This and the quality of your posts speak volume about yourself, your partner surely was lucky to have you. Your behaviour in these so sad times is outstanding and I would be proud if I could have as much courage as you have in these circumstances.

All the love in the world for you.

oakpope~
You too are an amazing individual, please don't sell yourself short - your words warmed my heart.

All my love to you as well and Thank You!

Bob

 

[PASSAT]

I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you NaughtyArousal~

 

[PASSAT]

I recently lost my Dad. I was even organist for his funeral. I stayed strong when I needed to be as it seems so have you.
It's time to let it out. Bawl your eyes out.
If you haven't yet done that.......please do.
Once that's out of the way things will only get better.......

seven2go~
First off let me extend my condolences to you on the recent loss of your father. I am strong and have my parents and Steven to thank for that. This by no means is to be construed that I don't have a soft side because I can easily become mush - - that is what I have been scared of but the love and compassion that I am finding here with individuals such as yourself will most definitely keep me from going there and for that I Thank You (I am sure Steven is thanking you as well).

Thanks for taking the time to write me.....

Peace~
Bob

 

[operafan]

I have to tell you that you will never get over the loss -- I think of my BF every day (we had 28 years) -- the memories have grown selective and I think only of the good days and not the end. The good memories will comfort you in the days to come.

 

[Fire]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I didn't read all the posts in the thread, so I'm probably repeating, but please don't let anybody tell you how to feel. Some people may try to bully you into cheering up because your grief makes them uncomfortable. You feel how you feel, so you can stop worrying about what's "normal."

 

[Yves Grey]

I'm very sorry for your loss, Passat.

I life is always something to celebrate.

I don't think there's anything wrong with your keeping a stiff upper lip. It's something you've conditioned in yourself, and so it's not a habit not likely to be readily undone. Even so, I think the full spectrum of emotions arise naturally from somewhere deep within, and it's important to acknowledge and digest each of them in due time, to remain true to yourself and your feelings.

From what I have read, Steven was a vivacious and caring man. He shared his love and humor with the world--and not least of all with you! I'm sure even now he's smiling down on you with all that same affection and adoration. I hope his memory can bolster your heart and help you to find the peace he wants so badly for you to have.

Both of you are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

Thanks for listening/reading....

you're in my heart Passat.....

 

[Wonderwall]

I'm sorry for your loss, Passat.

I dream that one day I am in the position to have been with the guy I love for thirty years as well, your relationship together sounds inspirational. Cherish the memories you shared together and celebrate Stevens life.

 

[NineOfClubs]

Passat, I'm so sorry for your loss.

There's nothing I can say to make any difference, but I do wish you the strength to get through this...

 

[oakpope]

Passat, how are you doing ? I often found sundays to be days of blues, so I'm just checking. How do you feel today ?

 

[FPNY]

this thread made me cry. I thought of my lover of 30 years passing and experiencing what you are. You seem very strong for being able to cope the way you did. I think I would be a basket case.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[PASSAT]

Passat, how are you doing ? I often found sundays to be days of blues, so I'm just checking. How do you feel today ?

Hi oakpope~
I am hanging in there, I sort of was a bit lazy and didn't do much yesterday (Saturday). A neighbor stopped by and we threw back a few beers and then I went to sleep. This morning I got up and decided that I better start getting the house somewhat back in order - I had been putting it off because I was overwhelmed with it all. It's been a bit slow going but I got the fridge cleaned out, moved some of the plants from the funeral into place, did a load of dishes and now am doing laundry. I have definitely made a dent, so it's a start. I am not sure I want to go to work tomorrow though, I know I should but the yard is extremely overgrown now since I have not touched it since Steven's death - I may just call in a gardener so I can focus on the house. I have also been playing with the animals a bit, they know something is wrong and maybe even know he is gone and they are in their own little depressions.

Thanks for checking in on me.

Bob

 

[tomind]

I am truly sorry for your loss and I know that with time it will get easier as they say. The thing that I have always in times like this is to remember all the good things and do your best to move on. That special person will always have wanted you to be happy. hugs

 

[PASSAT]

I am truly sorry for your loss and I know that with time it will get easier as they say. The thing that I have always in times like this is to remember all the good things and do your best to move on. That special person will always have wanted you to be happy. hugs

Hi tomind~
Thanks so very much for your post, I am doing my best and you are correct about him wanting me to be happy. I feel a bit better today because the lawn finally got mowed (it was depressing me) and I finally got up the strength to call his mom to let her know that I love her and that I will always be here for her.

Thanks for the hug too - - I needed that.

Bob

 

[PASSAT]

this thread made me cry. I thought of my lover of 30 years passing and experiencing what you are. You seem very strong for being able to cope the way you did. I think I would be a basket case.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hi FPNY~
Thanks for your post, you and everyone here have most certainly help me cope with all of this. I most certainly have my moments and at other times I wonder what the hell is wrong with me... I think I am decompressing and know that if I fall into that horrible dark place that I won't be able to pull out for a very long time. I don't think he would be very happy with me if I go there, he knows what the loss of my very first love did to me.

I miss him terribly...... I am also usually very absolute and can make decisions pretty easily but picking his urn has been a real challenge for me - - I know where it's coming from and I think I have picked the style I want for him BUT for whatever reason I cannot decide on a color.

The other night I mentioned this to a dear friend who was with me almost the whole time and I mentioned that maybe I am just petrified to pick it because then everything will be final and maybe I am just not ready for that yet.


Sorry to go on and blabber about all this, my intention was to thank you for your kind post and most sincere thoughts.

Bob

PS - - Here is a link to the urns - If you have any thoughts, please let me know.

http://www.artglassmemorials.com/Style-Index.html


Thanks again....

Bob