Mixed feelings of outing *long*

[Riverrick]

Joey, You are truly amazing. I never expected you to move so fast with coming out. You are very brave. Congratulations on those reactions! Talk to your sister about the rest of your family and move very carefully. Take your time and build up your support systems. Again, just amazing.

 

[Lube]

Joey, that is just an amazing story. I am so happy for you. I'm glad it has gone so well so far.

Keep in mind that there might still be a few sticklers, especially in your family. Some people just refuse something that they don't understand. For example, 30 years ago I told my family that I was an atheist. There are still some family members who will not accept that--30 years later!

But luckily that's a tiny minority of people in my family. Most don't really care. So as you're finding out, most people will be OK but you might get a couple that just can't deal with reality.

In any case, you are making great progress, and I am *so* proud of you. Good going! It's probably quite liberating.

 

[mexamor]

i luv your sister, she is way cool and i think will help with the rest of the family.

 

[Joey Smith]

1st)Hiya guys!!! I'm back with a little update.It feels SOOOOOOOOOOO GREEEAAATTTTT to have this weight off my chest!I'm soooo posotive and happy that I have finally come to terms with myself.Its gotten so much easier with telling people since telling my friends. I'm not completly out but I could careless who knows. Self-confidence is off the charts, no longer hiding or pretending just being me all the way and it feels great! I forgot to tell you guys about the date-went really well and had every intention on going on another(he said).But I hear nothing -I call a few days later then email later. I text him a week later asking if I did something wrong or if we were over before we started and NOTHNG!It hurts my feelings that he didnt think enough of me to respond or even lie But I'm over it now(was hurting for weeks) and a little more openminded.
2nd)With everything going so well I kinda forgot that it could go wrong.Finally told my mom(after the baby was born July 4th) and she tells me that her and my stepdad argued for years about it with friends and always denied it. She said she would still deny it.She seemed more concern about losing face than losing a son.Before she leaves she tells me that she's gonna pray about it and then gives me an unnecessary insult by telling me to "not get AIDS"Most people would consider this ignorance if they didnt know any better.My mom knows my morales and that I'm still a virgin.This is completly hypocritical because of her promiscous past and present along with my very active younger and older sisters behavior.The way she said it made me feel like I had prostituted my whole life and just relisied the danger.She calls later(after she told her husband) and now wants to ask some very rude and personnel questions about my "problem".I guess they thought they could intimidate me or scare me or feel bad enough to change it.I snapped on them and told them I would not be a victim, ostrasized, or scared out of it.If they couldn't except it I could careless and would coninue to live my life with or without them.We are civil with each other but she refuses to talk about it or except it but at least we talk.Ive finaly gotten to the point where I'm gonna live MY life to the fullest WITHOUT feeling like I need anyones consent or approval Ive got the weekend off and will tell my aunt and uncle regardless.I think they already know and are waiting for me to tell them.Dad though is the only one I'm still completly scared to tell even though he lives in Miami-he's the only one I dont have the courage for yet but its starting to change. Thanks guys again for all the love, support, and advice!!!LOVE YA
P.S. Love the new avatar luminum

 

[Rali_hates_Mondays]

I'm so proud of you standing up to your mom! Since you've had so much support from your friends and your sister I think it will be inevitable that your mom will come round the bend and accept your sexuality. Some things are far more important than trivial matters such as "keeping face." Keep banging those closet doors open!

Also don't worry about dating other men. I've just come out to loads of people and it's important that you keep your coming out pace to a speed with which you feel most comfortable in. Make sure you have a solid self esteem and are 100% at ease with yourself. I can tell that you're a really cool guy and I bet the right guy will be coming up to your window and begging for a date!

 

[Riverrick]

Congratulations Joey. You are pretty amazing. How your life has changed in such a short time! And you as well.

Sorry about the date. Great job with your mom. I think she's actually doing pretty well as things considered. Good luck with your aunt and uncle. Hold off on your father until the rest is in place and you feel ready.

Its nice to see you so excited and happy. It must feel nice to not be split in two anymore. Good luck with the people you have left.

 

[Joey Smith]

Well today my mom calls to see how I was doing and wants to come by apartment to use the pool(She's always wanting something when she calls to check on me).I know it was wrong but I forced her hand about coming to terms with me.She made some small talk about my sister and the baby in which I said I wont be having any.She tells me then that I dont know what I want, that its just a phase I'll grow out of and its temporary. I snap again about it and we argue for about 15 minutes over the phone in a very heated and vicious debate.I tell her that she can deny it to her grave but it wont change anything. I say She should be concerned about my happiness and not my image, nothing has changed and if people were telling her for so long that maybe she should listen and open her eyes.She then screams "MY SON IS NOT A FAG!".I tell her that her and everybodies else opinion I could care less about and that I'm going to live my life regardless if they agree., why should she and them care about who I sleep with, since none of them or doing anything for me-I dont need her or them.I told her she is ignorant for believing everbody is like the stereotypical gays on her homophobic t.v.

So I guess you want to be a girl now huh she ask.I tell her I'm about to hang up the got damn phone but before I do I explained how I am a guy that enjoys being a guy with a guy like she's reeaaly slow and using the F word in every other word(I never speak to her like this but she got me really worked up).And how she's the only one with a problem not me and should look at her fucking life before denouncing mine. I believe I struck a chord.

She calms down enough for me to tell her how she made me feel with her last comments a few days ago.She apologizes but admits that with even everybody telling her that its still hard for to come to terms with it and she needs more than a week to understand it.She doesnt agree with it and still believes its a temporary phase but I'll do what I want.We are still a long way off and I know thes conversations are far from over but at least now I think she has a better understanding of it than she did before.

 

[Riverrick]

Wow.

Speechless.

Kind of jealous really. I've never gotten to yell all of the things at my mother that I'd have liked. I came out 25 years ago and she's ok with it now but when I think back on that day long ago when I first told her and her terrible behavior, I wish I had just let it all out. God knows she deserved it.

You're a superhero, man.

 

[Dejajb]

Joey you are my hero!!!

I have yet to come out to my parents, although I feel they would both be ok with it and love me. I just want to congratulate you and wish you the very best, you deserve it! Just have fun and don't let your mom ruin what bright future i am sure you will have.

 

[Soilwork]

Good for you.

This thread is bringing back SO many memories about my coming out and all the yelling and screaming and fights. My mother whining and complaing that she didnt' WANT a gay son and that she just hoped one day I'd change my mind.

Like it's that easy.

She came around years ago.. and she's fine with my sexual orientation (and that of my little brother). It's me she doesn't like... which is fine.. she never liked me much anyway.

anyway.. You just keep doing what you're doing.. stand up for youself, don't take any of her shit, and be the proud gay man I can tell you're going to be.

We're all on your side here.

 

[Joey Smith]

Well.....I told my aunt a few days ago over the phone(got screwd over at work).Went really badly She knew(my mom told her) and was wating on me to tell her.I tell her and she instantly starts denouncing it and criticizing it.She uses Bible verses and brings up all the negatives about it and basically tells me what my mom says to me but with a little more fire.She even says "WHAT? YOU EXPECT ME TO JUST ACCEPT IT!?!" and not to use the word "morales"Im stunned and speechless. I try to explained some of the aspects to her but she rattles them off like their nothing and is so mad she doesnt even tell me bye but gives the phone to my uncle.

He is AWESOME!He's just like I thought he would be and says he doesnt see me as any different and if need be it can be me and him against the world.He believes I'm hiding something from them or that I have another motive becuase he didnt see a reason to be told( he believes what I do in my personal life is my buisiness as long as I'm safe)They have to leave to go out so it ends a little early. I'm so hurt and shocked I cry myself to sleep.It was MUCH worse than my mom becuase my aunt has never done anyhting like this to me- she's looked out for me better than my mom(thats why it hurts more and why I couldnt stand my ground -I fell apart without a fight)I dread calling them and am in a bit of depression.

I talk to my mom just to call and say I love her-my friends brother was killed so it makes me feel better knowing I have someone to argue with.And we talk for a while no yelling or screaming- just talking.She says she is going to still pray that it changes and doesnt agree with it or understand it but still loves me.She is still hoping its temporary and cant imagine me with another guy but wants to try and understand it(any help would be appreciated - if there is a website to help her deal I think she may try it

I talk back with my uncle and he thinks I was brave but a little dumb to do it.His main concern is I dont loose my focus and get caught in the nightlife.His interpertation of my aunts behavor is that she is scared, worried and hurt about me and wants to numb the pain by cutting me off.All she see's is the danger and negative backlash I will recieve(gay bashing, aids, stereotyping,and losing all I worked for) and rather than go through all the pain of me feeling this she wants to stay mad at me so she doesnt hurt later from my loss.My uncle tells me to try and fix it by reassuring her.

When I speak to her its about an hour later before we go into the conversation (I was really scared) but she was in a better mood.I explained nothing has changed that I'm still going to school and work that I'm not gonna loose sight of my goals and will stay safe. I reestablish this for about 20 minutes.She says she thought about it and agrees she did treat me wrong and apologizes for overreacting.She cant really stay mad at me or stop talking to me forever.She still loves me but is just worried about the dangers.As long as I stay safe and happy she is happy-if she treats me any different let her know and she will stop.It may not agree with her but its my life and if it makes me happy she doesnt see a problem with it and nothing will change.I Love Them.Little by little I think they are getting better.

 

[Soilwork]

Send them all here..

http://www.pflag.org/

My parents would have been lost without them.

 

[Joey Smith]

Hiya Jubbers! Not much really going on around for me but thought I should give a little update.
Well my entire family doesnt know but the ones that do dont want it to get any farther.To me I could careless what family knew or said, but they all agree that its best being where it is.They all think I'm inviting trouble if I post it to the world.I think they say it from 2 factors the fear of me being treated differently(being an open gay male in the south is a double negative asking for trouble someone said) and being ashamed of it.I wont say anything but if anyone ask I WILL NOT DENY IT! whether its friends or family or strangers.Nobody right now is trying to understand it and wont bring it up so neither will I.Thanks for the link SOILWORK nobodys ready yet but I can wait.
Work is different We have mostly "Bible Toters" that openly voice their opinions and sadly have a lot of pull-not trying to make enemies, the job is stressful enough and word travels fast.
I did have a little trouble with friends.They all said nothing would change but a few made me question.They are always busy or can never respond back to me.I confronted 2 of them about it.One I got my ass handed to me for even entertaining the idea -I love her it shows she cares.The other (the guy I've known since I was 12)said it does make him uncomfortable but if it was a big deal we would not be in house.He says he has cant to judge me and I'll always be the same kid he knew
The last friend-no response at all.Guess he couldnt deal.It hurts becuase we were friends for a while and he didnt have the balls to honestly admit to me it was a problem.Worse he lied to me and had me believing everything was fine.I'd rather be hurt once openly than the slow and torturing guess of being abandoned.I believe and felt our friendship deserved more than that or at least the closure of a goodbye.But its been about 2 months no calls,emails,texts or response to my messages- it just really hurts my feelings is all.
The last thing is this- I was just reading the post about "Hitting the scene alone" .Since I cameout I've been wanting to get more into "the gaylife" but havent been sure what to do or how.I've always wanted to go to a club but never could.I know nothing about them.I'm only 19 so I was wondering what I can do at a club I dont drink or do drugs(hate the taste of alchohol and I like being in control of my body and memory).I'm a very friendly and pretty open guy, I love meeting people and joking around and I wouldnt mind dancing a little.I'm pretty fit(not bodybuilder but definatly in shape) and was wondering what you could where that shows off the body and doesnt scream slut.I know where I'm gonna go and will probably go alone-any advice?
Thanks again guys for being so awesome and supportive-I FREAKING LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

 

[Joey Smith]

Wow, cant believe its been a month since I was on here, but I'm back with a little update. First off I want to apologize for being away so long-it was unitentional! I've been working like crazy, then I went to a vacation in Texas(1st time flyer still paying for it but loved it!)The day after I came back I worked a full week before I got a day off.Then my computer died a week before school started!The vacation ended 3 weeks ago and school started on the 21 but I've only had 2 days off and I've been sick WHAT THE FLUFF?!? When it rains it poors.
I've really miss being around you guys cause your so great whether its for a laugh, to cheer me up, or giving advice on life experiences.Its a big cruel and harsh world out here and I'm feeling it.
Well remeber how great things were last time I posted, guess all good things come to an end.I've been pretty much out an open with almost everyone but it seems as if my fears are becoming reality.Since comming out I feel soooo alone and unwanted.People that were regarded as friends and family have abandoned me.
Family has been absolutly horrible.I am no longer the "golden child" I am simply a dissapointment.Most of the family know and are not happy.My grandfather found out and I think he is going to confront me about at my neices baptismal(He is a pastor and I am really scared he's going to flip the situation on me)Most others are all "Well I thought so much better of you" or You need to be fix, the lifestyle you chose is unnatural.(Lifestyle I Chose?I chose to be this way?There was no choice only acceptance)They scare me with Bible verses which do scare me or they corner me and make me really uncomfortable with their questioning.Everyone is trying to either scare me out of it, guilt me out of it, or impose something about it to make me uncomfortable.Although never really spoken about before some make it a rule to denounce it or make these rude homohpobic remarks sometimes but not often, guess they want a rise out of me.My mom who I thought was making progress has regressed.She wont ever speak of it, or mention or watch or listen to anything with gay people.She is completly fine until someone mentions anything remotely about it then she snaps.She made a joke that she needs a man like me and I joke that I need one like me too and she begins insulting & cursing at me!She is in deep denial and still believes I can be "fixed".But for the sake of getting along I never mention
it.
Most of the girls I new treat me differently with little jokes and snide remarks or like they're better than me.The guys are even worse.Most wont even talk to me or completly avoid me.Some think I'm trying to convert but I explained I havent been around long enough to know how.I told them becuase I'm attracted to guys it doesnt mean I'm atrracted to every guy but then comes the put downs and stereotypes.I would never jeoperdize a friendship based on a crush(learned here), anybody I go after has to have a mutual interest-I'm not chasing anyone who cant be caught.But they dont see that, nobody can see past my "sick little problem".People I've known from 1 to 6 years,PEOPLE THAT KNOW ME!They say they cant deal with me!Its like they no longer see me as a friend-A GREAT FRIEND AT THAT WHO HAS CRIED WITH THEM, COMFORT THEM,TALKED TO THEM, AND GIVE THEM EVERYTHING I'VE HAD SO THEY WOULD NOT SUFFER!But they dont see that anymore,all they see is a lying sick homo.(Because I was in the closet!).I dont understand how they can judge me when they know me and what I've been through.Some have even said that they cant see me past that aspect
why?
It hurts so bad.I always said I would wait for a boyfriend before I cameout just incase I loose everything.I've lost almost everything with friends, family, and even total strangers and still no boyfriend.The few people I have left are on totally different schedules,got their own drama or dont know how to help.
The local gay community hasnt really been that great either.I used to identify as bi but since comming out I feel like my attraction to woman has seriously dropped(may be a subconscious thing since I no longer have to pretend but the attraction is no more than curiosity of never having been with one) so I identify as gay. But it seems that that has bit me in the ass as well.1 guy I told said that until I slept with a woman I had no right to call myself gay. Another thinks I'm confused and should seek out women to test myself before even attempting to find a boyfriend.So what just experiment with sex with random people or force myself to try to like something I'm not intersted in-GET LOST!I have horrible gaydar so I cant tell who is or isnt unless they are flamers and its pretty hard to meet someone when working and going to school full time.My only posotive and completly understanding source has been this board which I had been denied for almost a month due to my schedule.
Sorry to rant and rave so long about the little trifles in my life but...its hard.Everyone looks at you and treats you different.I feel like a leper.Its so cold hurtful and lonely sometimes.Having no one able to understand, being constantly judged and abandoned.It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, and true friends and family say I'm better off without these people but it doesnt make it any easier.I almost regret ever coming out.
But I dont.
My one consolidation is enough to keep my vitality and inner strength alive-and that is I can wake up everyday without question and see myself for who and what I truly am and accept it.Never having to question my mind or motives and to be truly mentally free without inhibitions are doubts about myself.Although hurt and afraid I am proud to look at the journey I've made despite its consequences and will coninue to move on to a path that betters me.I believe everything happens for a reason we may not know it or understand it now but it does.Its just that I'm not used to the pain,the hurt,the fear, and lonliness.I just feel like I've been cut open and left to bleed emotionally without care.Sorry but I just neede an outlet for my evergrowing frustration in this hard world.I'll shut up now.
.

 

[Riverrick]

Joey, this is such a great post.

I'm disappointed in your Mom but understand, given your description of recent events. After all, she's getting the same brainwashing they are attempting with you. I would guess that's why she is sliding backward.

Boy, there is really an all out effort to change your reality, isn't there. This is truly a mind-fuck experience. Hold onto any anchors you have. If you make it through this, nothing else in life will be much of a challenge.

I recall you had a supportive uncle. What's going on with him now?

Its truly a testament to your well developed "self" that you haven't cracked under the pressure. I wish they could see how lucky they are to have you in their lives and how they are risking losing you.

Thanks for the update. Post as often as you need to.

 

[Joey Smith]

Sorry to be such a total depressing act the other day-its been really tough but I think I may have an outlet:Clubbing. Before you guys say anything i just wanna let you know that I dont smoke or drink(their underage drinking policy is pretty strict anyway) and I havent hooked up with any random guys(yet!) I had such a blast that it killed all my negativty.I ended up getting their at 10:15 and left at 3:40AM and still made it to work that day.Its already an addiction but I think as long as it doesnt conflict with school or work its not a problem. There are so many hot guys their, I didnt know NC had so many attractive people. I walked around without my shirt on half the night and got plenty of attention(such an ego boost!) being looks, a few calls and some people got a little touch(nothing below the abs though-havent lost all inhibitions).
I need some pointers about it though cause I am so clueless.I do go alone but I never drink or I finish it before setting it down.I'm not looking for love there but if it happens cool-but I let guys know upfront I donr do hookups.But I have no clue if someone is interested in me until they are basically all over me.
Example: I'm dancing bymyself and I see this really cute kid with his shirt off on the opposite side of the floor.As songs go on he is slowly etching hisself closer to me by moving from one side to another. I'm still dancing in my own world I see him moving but again I am so clueless that I dont put 2 and 2 together.Another song goes buy and he's soooooo close to me I could probably lick the sweat off him.And it finally hits me when we're going at the same rythm
'Oh you wanna dance with me' It was probably almost 20 minutes of work this guy put in before I realized what was up. We end up dancing real close for about 2 songs before someone else cuts in but by then I'm a little excited(almost full freakin wood-is this what people want out of a dance?) and embarassed so I leave the floor to calm myself down.When I comeback he's dancing with another guy becuase I think he thought I lost interest.I am so clueless.
Any advice on how to spot a guy eyeing you or how to get some attention without getting raped on the floor?I have no experience with this.I ended up dancing with a bunch of other hotties throughout the night.I feel like such a total slut-And Dammit it feels GREAT! Ive gone through nearly my whole life feeling unlove,unwanted and unattractive but it all left me there.I just wish I could go more often.

 

[CoolBlue71]

Joey Smith,

I'm going to give you advice. And I'm hoping you can respond to me because there are some questions within the whole of my message.

Considering that you're over the age of 18, has it dawned on you to change your life and get the hell away from your family and others within that environment that has shaped your life? It's not so much running away from these people; it would be an act of you departing an arena that doesn't serve your needs and interests, and that you would be pursuing, and building, your adult life in a new and potentially exciting — and rewarding — environment.

I don't say any of this by taking into account your own background of southern roots, as if I'd assume being in the south is so full of hatred, ignorance, and repression. I'm not focused on that so much as I am in absorbing that, while you're experiencing something new, you're on the receiving end of some emotional harm and hostility. Your family, and the people you've referred to as friends, do not appear to be looking out for your best interests, are not compelled to acquire an awareness of your rite of passage. They are unwilling to give considerations, and they are not going to evolve anytime soon.

The fact that you've come out also takes into account acknowledging a reality. And the reality — your sexual identity, that is — is being rejected. But it doesn't change your own makeup. Those people insisting that it can be changed are not awake to reality. But you are. Are you wanting to change these people's perceptions? I suppose you can take time to go to work on them by just being you and standing your ground. Consistently. Or would you want to leave them alone so they can just be who they are, maybe evolve and accept, keep the status-quo — while you move on with life? Your life.

Some of what I'm saying — the suggestion that you may wanna move away — might be greeted with, "How can I afford to do this?" Uh, I don't know the gravity of the pain you're experiencing because it is not helpful for me to assume that I totally get what you're saying and feeling. All I can do is tell you that you should be thinking about something that a lot of under-21 folks do not consider: That there's life outside of your own domain.

Keep in touch.

 

[Riverrick]

Somehow I missed your post, Joey. I am really glad that you found this place. You can be openly gay there and feel your sexuality in all its splendor. You get attention and you meet other gay guys. So its good.

Yes, dancing can be very high in sexual energy. And you get to hook up with someone for a brief period of time and move on if you want.

Now, keep in mind that you are young and lonely and kinda vulnerable. I think its smart to avoid one night stands for now. Remember, that's why they are called this - its one night and the other guy moves on whether you have developed feelings for him or not. So, be careful.

Congratulations on this new twist.

 

[Soilwork]

If clubbing and dancing makes you feel good.. do it.

Dancing on a crowded dance floor surrounded by a bunch of other like-minded people really is the elixer for feeling better, isn't it?

As far as that one guy saying until you sleep with a woman you have "no right" calling yourself gay... bullshit.. you tell him that until he gets it up the ass he has no right calling himself straight.

You're doing great.

Coming out sometimes is amazing, and sometimes is horrible, but it's always worth it in the end. You make some friends there at the club you go to... most of them will be just fair-weather friends, but it'll still give you someone you can connect with.

Just have some fun and close the outside world out.


and yeah.. coming out is never easy.. but in the end it's always worth it.

 

[ineffablejk]

Joey, Well... Where to begin.

Everyone has to live there own life and what works for one person does not necessarily work for someone else. With all of this in mind I'll tell you of my experience.

I have learned that when dealing with family you have to give them a long, long time to come around. The more paitient you are with your family the greater impact it will have on them and they will slowly realize that you are the same person that they have always known. But, it takes a long time, sometimes years. I think it's important to keep supporting your family like you always have thats one strong way of letting them know that you are the same person. Be careful of falling into the trap of over doing it to get there acceptance, like I did. People see through that quickly and will think you are trying to win them over. You have to give them time to get there on there own. With friends I found that they were not motaved to spending less time with me because I was gay but because we were on different paths having different scheduals and different interests. People grow and often grow away from each other.

As far as the "fundies" = religious fundamentalists are concerned, I went to a very conservative fundamentalist college while under grad. There is a whole bibical logic that I use to put there scriputure quoting off but, if you want to debate the topic with them it will only work if they are willing to listen and most do not want to listen they just want to tell you why you are wrong. Generally, what I say to them is, Is this a plank and splinter issue? = "Don't worry about the splinter in someone else's eye when you have a plank in yours". Most of these people of course think that they are beyond repoach and if that's the case you have to go into "We are all sinners in Gods eyes" approach. If you want to know more about this let me know but I don't want this to become a sermon.

Concerning the clubing, I cautiously recommend it. I had the same goals that you have. I only went out on Friday and Saterday night's. Going out during the week had problems for me with getting enough sleep and having time to study. I limited myself to two drinks a night at the clubs. I only took enough money with for the cover and the two drinks. That way I can insure that I am in control. The next problem is the guys that want to purchase drinks for you and get you drunk. Generally, I tell them that they can get me bottled water because I don't drink liquor that much. I also have a rule not to go home with anyone I meet in a club. I will meet them the next day for coffee or a meal to see what they are like in the day light. This quickly tells you who wants what. The guys that are only interested in hook ups will disappear quickly, the guys that are interested in friendship will argee to meet you. With the guys that agree the next problem is, are they going to rember the next day and can they get out of bed the next day before 3:00 PM to do something. One thing that became a problem was that after a while people thought I was a hustler or had AIDs because I never would go home with anyone. Give it time and it does work itself out.

Concerning work, I never tell anyone at work about my sexuality. Money and promotions are survival. There are to many "Corporate Assholes" that will use this information against you or for there own betterment. I have not had a problem at work myself but, I have over heard management conversations concerning guys that are very gay and out, its not good. The office is a "Boys Club" dispite laws and equality.

Don't forget my disclaimer, this is what works for me. It won't necessarly work for you or someone else. You have to look out for you and take care of yourself. It sounds like you already know this.