My 6 Year Old Nephew Called Me A Fag...

[Kuja]

You should bitch slap that little cunt into the wall. That's what you should do!

Sorry, I hate kids.

 

[skinIsIn]

I'm a 23 year old open gay male, who has been in a committed relationship for two years. Both my partner and myself respect other peoples opinions and feeling and we do not "flaunt" our preference. We are both masculine acting and are positive contributors to society.

I was visiting my sister last night, when my 6 year old nephew ask me what a fag was, saying his daddy called me and Shaun that all the time.

I was stunned, and alone in the room with him, so nobody else heard it..

Should I:

A IGNORE IT
B CONFRONT MY SISTER
C CONFRONT MY BROTHER IN-LAW

I'm angry, but at the bottom of my anger, my feelings are hurt, what do you think guys??

Well, at least you know where your brother-in-law stands on this...if you ever have the chance, deck him square in the eye. But first, you need to have power lunch with your sis PRONTO, to let her asshat of a husband is impressioning on HER young son!!

If she's a doormat, drop her and her devil-spawn like a bad case of crabs!!

PS.
I do have one question, was the kid genuine and sincere (when broaching the subject to his favorite uncle, knowing what his ignorant-ass father said was bad,) or maybe did he ask innocently like "What's a fag?" (simularly like how kids ask "Where do babies come from?") or is he the type of little bastard that would sling this "lovely" bit of mud just to piss you off, knowing exactly what it means, and agrees fully with his dear old dad...666

 

[Snickers52]

I've decided that possibly a better thing to do is to just put some distance between you and them. After a while when one of them calls and wants to know what you haven't been around you can just say "well, I know how you guys feel about us "FAGS". Then the ball's in their court.

 

[Danugh]

and at least he didn't call you a battyboy

what is a battyboy? doesnt sound offensive at all unless he is crazy/batty lol never heard that one before.

 

[ixthrock]

Oh my. With the exception of Tribi's post, I am appalled at the responses to this thread.

I have to echo the sentiments of W10 Chubb - I do not find the word offensive at all. Even if someone used the word to intentionally belittle me, i'm big enough to take it and come out smelling like a rose. If someone is trying to offend me, why let them succeed? It doesn't sound as if your bro-in-law is calling you this "offensive" word to your face, so he's not trying to offend you. Perhaps he has a very negative image of you, but when it comes down to it, isn't that HIS problem, and not yours?

Soilwork, I simply have to disagree with you about the double standard. I won't be drawn into an ugly debate about the "N" word except to express my dissatisfaction with the way we have empowered that word into volatility, and I would hate for the same thing to happen to the word "fag." Physical assault is NEVER an appropriate behavioral response to mere speech. Yes, speech is also a behavior, and, yes, sometimes people get on my nerves and upset me and can cause all manner of grief by merely talking to me, but my inability to control my affect and/or subsequent behavior is MY responsibility, not theirs.

Here is the way I would handle this situation. Mind you, I live on MY bother-in-law's property, who is a bigot (with a bi-racial step-grandson, I might add...) and another great-nephew, who's about 7 or 8, comes to spend nearly every weekend with my sister and her husband. If I had him ask me the same question, I would respond, " 'Fag' is one of the words some people use to describe men who have a relationship with a man in the same way that your mee-maw has a relationship with your paw-paw. Some people, however, find the word 'fag' very offensive or upsetting, and so in polite society people usually use words like 'gay' or 'homosexual'." Then I would talk to him about the way those different words make ME feel, and which words I would prefer that he use. I might even include a little lesson on sociology and the etymology of the "N" word as an example of how upset people can get, couched in age-appropriate terms, of course. I agree wholeheartedly with you, Soilwork, when you say that sometimes you have to do a little parenting. That's how I would handle questions from my great-nephew.

His Paw-paw would be a different matter. I'd wait until the young'uns bedtime, or sometime when he's out of the room, and treat it as something I found hysterically funny - because, in essence - I WOULD find it hysterically funny.

Have you ever noticed the resemblance between the words 'indignant' and 'dignity'? I believe it's difficult to be dignified when one is indignant.

Then I would attempt to ferret out whatever ill-will my brother-in-law harbors towards me, if any, but that's mainly for MY benefit - to allow myself to know how far I should trust this individual. Any attempt to "enlighten" him (i.e., draw him more into line with my point-of-view) should be viewed as just that - an attempt. As I said before, if he DOES harbor any ill-will towards me, it is basically his problem, not mine.

 

[Lube]

Based on the original post, I'd say the very first reply--Slobone's--was the best. If the brother in law really is a jerk, there's nothing you're going to do to change him. In fact, having this little bit of knowledge is a powerful thing. It would be interesting to get the sister & brother-in-law alone, and then make up a conversation about "someone at work" who called you fag--and see what their reaction was.

However, after hearing the OP's second post, where he said that he & bro-in-law actually get along quite well, I think Tri-Bi had the best answer. Maybe bro-in-law uses "fag" cause that's the only word he's ever used? Maybe he doesn't realize how offensive it is? Maybe he thinks 'gay' is condescending, too? Or maybe that's how he deals with his discomfort. In any case, quietly telling them how offensive it is to you is the way to go. If he gets defensive, he's not worth staying friendly with.

 

[davy]

i think we might be jumping to conclusions on this.

a while back, my nephew asked me was a beaner was. i told him it wasn't a nice word and he told me that his dad (my brother in law) used it.

as it turned out, my brother in law used it to chew out someone else who was making jokes about beaners. (as in: how dare you call someone a beaner) my brother in law is white, his wife (my sister) is mexican. that alone should have been enough proof that he never would have used the word disparagingly. but i was too caught up in my drama queen mentality to consider it.

look for signs of whether or not you and your brother-in-law are really as close as you think you are. if there's ANY doubt; then confront him and your sister at the same time so that she can't make any excuses for him.

oh, and make sure the kid's not there.

 

[iflookscouldkill]

Well I wouldn't confront your brother in law unless he said it to your face or within you hearing it. If you are going to confront someone your sister would be the best bet, just be honest with her and tell her your feelings are hurt and that you're angry and hopefully you'll be able to get it resolved.

 

[nwdavis]

Simply ask your nephew if he knows what the work bigot means. And explain to him that his dad is a bigot. And remind him to tell his dad who told him the definition.

 

[Soilwork]

I have to echo the sentiments of W10 Chubb - I do not find the word offensive at all.

It's not the word that's offensive. It's the sentiment behind it and that he should feel so comfortable using it against this 6 year-old boy's uncle.

If you can't see that.. well.. get better glasses.

 

[W10 Chubb]

The Free Online Dictionary even says:

fag (f

g)
n. Offensive Slang Used as a disparaging term for a homosexual man

Get it? Disparaging! Offensive!

People using this word are usually trying to slam you, put you down. They WANT it to be offensive. That's why the brother-in-law says it because it expresses how he feels about Gay people.

gay (g

) adj. gay·er, gay·est 1. Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex

See, that's Neutral. Just an identifying word.

But I don't feel put down when the word is used. i am a faggot - I accept this and the word is a description of a homosexual. If i accept that gay people can call me this then i am not then going to tell others that they can not just based on their sexuality - after all I wouldn't wish to discriminate against some one because of that ! I realise that others feel differently. But if my six year old nephew asked me if i was a fag i would say yes and think nothing more of it. nor think badly of his father.

 

[W10 Chubb]

It's not the word that's offensive. It's the sentiment behind it and that he should feel so comfortable using it against this 6 year-old boy's uncle.

but what is the sentiment behind it - that this man hates fags - if so he has a funny way showing it by leaving his child with one. if the use of the word is every day to him then the sentiment might not be negative!

 

[OptimalOptimus]

A & B DOnt' let them brainwash him. THAT IS INSANE !

The only place he got that was from hearing his parents Talk about you two.

Stand up to them. Don't let them get away with that.

 

[ixthrock]

but what is the sentiment behind it - that this man hates fags - if so he has a funny way showing it by leaving his child with one. if the use of the word is every day to him then the sentiment might not be negative!

my sentiments exactly. now, if the man's sentiments are that he hates fags...that's not a battle id want to waste my breath on by attacking directly

(I'm of the opinion that small-town queers do more to advance our "civil rights" by living quiet little respectable lives, sharing love and interacting daily with members of their family and small communities - than any amount of urban pride festivals)

but if his sentiments are not really that much different from all of his gay friends...or even the six-year-old boy's uncle's (our original poster - remember him?) friends...who am i to enforce a double standard.

all of the posts seem to assume the worst about the brother-in-law. if that's the very thing that inflames me about bigots - that they assume the worst about us gay men...well, it puts me in the mind of the quote from gandhi or whoever, "be the change you want to see in the world..."

 

[MadeUpName27]

B & C

​

 

[blooeyz]

I would have told my nephew that was a bad word and he shouldn't use it because it is hurtful to me.
Then I would goto my sister and tell her what transpired, kiss her, leave immediately and not come back.
Then I would send extravagant gifts to my nephew for birthdays and holidays but never set foot in their house again.

 

[Soilwork]

but what is the sentiment behind it - that this man hates fags - if so he has a funny way showing it by leaving his child with one. if the use of the word is every day to him then the sentiment might not be negative!

Well if it's just "everyday" to him then why is the starter of this thead surprised to hear it?

Obviously it's not a word used in front of him.

And besides that.. sorry.. there's no way to use the word "fag" in a positive way.

Unless you're gay yourself.

Sorry.. I'm not backing down on this one.

 

[ixthrock]

Sorry.. I'm not backing down on this one.

Well, of course not; nor would I expect you to - at least not anymore than i would expect a bigoted brother-in-law to change overnight from a five minute heart-to-heart. It's good to see that you are a principled individual, that you take stances on important issues and stick to them - but i knew that already, from the tenor of your posts over the past year or so.

I have often found that people with strong opinions, opinions that they develop through careful introspection and the strength of their OWN character - rather than skimming their opinions from the surface (or dregs, as you will) of pop culture - are only going to become more entrenched in those opinions during a direct assault.

I also run across a lot of people that like to be contrary, whether they have a strong character otherwise or not. It's why i often suggest humour and light-heartedness during intense conflict - all in the name of avoiding a knee-jerk defensive reaction.

Actually, I take a little perverse pride in being able to say that I openly disagree with JUB's beloved Soilwork (at least on SOMEthing), so long as it's understood that i still have tremendous respect for both you AND your opinions. After all, YOU are not secretly an epithet-hurling parent. (at least, i hope not)

you can be my bodyguard, and i can be your long lost pal,
i can call you nelly, and nelly - when you call me - you can call me fag.
(tell mr. simon i'm sorry I F*ed up his rhyme)

 

[josefjosef]

I would have a talk in private with my sister. You sister, if reasonable, can have a conversation with her husband. Confrontation is difficult, and could cause problems in the future. Your sister should be able to discuss the matter with hubbie - you do not want to cause a problem for your sister; otherwise it may needlessly flare up and get out of control.

If necessary cool the issue,and if the kid says anything again correct the word usage. Any confrontation will alway leave you as the "fag is upset"; it may come to a point where you have an ex-sister.

Never sell your soul but it is not worth creating unnecessary friction.

 

[voyager1994]

my advice is to educate your nephew about using 'hurtful' words like 'fag' etc. then tell him that if he hears his dad use this word again, he should tell his dad that it's not a nice thing to say to gay people, especially to gay members of the family. i'm pretty sure that this will have a bigger impact than confronting your brother-in-law.

'if the father can't teach the boy, then let the boy teach the father.' be a role model of non-violence to both your nephew and brother-in-law. hope you feel better soon.