My 6 Year Old Nephew Called Me A Fag...

[m4mFlixCom]

I'm a 23 year old open gay male, who has been in a committed relationship for two years. Both my partner and myself respect other peoples opinions and feeling and we do not "flaunt" our preference. We are both masculine acting and are positive contributors to society.

I was visiting my sister last night, when my 6 year old nephew ask me what a fag was, saying his daddy called me and Shaun that all the time.

I was stunned, and alone in the room with him, so nobody else heard it..

Should I:

A IGNORE IT
B CONFRONT MY SISTER
C CONFRONT MY BROTHER IN-LAW

I'm angry, but at the bottom of my anger, my feelings are hurt, what do you think guys??

Don't worry, you will be vindicated in a few years.

 

[m4mFlixCom]

I'm a 23 year old open gay male, who has been in a committed relationship for two years. Both my partner and myself respect other peoples opinions and feeling and we do not "flaunt" our preference. We are both masculine acting and are positive contributors to society.

I was visiting my sister last night, when my 6 year old nephew ask me what a fag was, saying his daddy called me and Shaun that all the time.

I was stunned, and alone in the room with him, so nobody else heard it..

Should I:

A IGNORE IT
B CONFRONT MY SISTER
C CONFRONT MY BROTHER IN-LAW

I'm angry, but at the bottom of my anger, my feelings are hurt, what do you think guys??

Don't fret over it, I promise you will be vindicated in a few years.

 

[Aussieguy01]

Nip it in the Budd , at least tell your nephew that it is a wrong word otherwise he will think he is able to call you that , and dont confront your sister , it dosent seem like she did anything wrong

 

[muscleboy82000]

I would be totally upset and disappointed.

• For my 6 year old Nephew, i would explain that it is a bad word and it hurt my feelings and he should not use these type of words again.
• For my brother-in-law and sister, i would approach it as disappointment in them and being upset with them allowing my nephew to hear them using such words.

At time, shame and disappointment is a very powerful tool

 

[star-warrior]

You could also educate your nephew on all the words that refer to gays. "Shirtlifter" is a hoot.

 

[windgates]

Educating your nephew is all well and good. Bringing it up with your brother-in-law is fine, but I wouldn't mention it to your sister so much unless she happened to be in the room when you were talking to your brother-in-law. Confronting her about something her husband did would put her in a really awkward place where it might make her feel like she had to pick a side to be loyal to, either to her brother or to her husband.

I don't think thats a position anyone should be in.

 

[gmoney]

Educating your nephew is all well and good. Bringing it up with your brother-in-law is fine, but I wouldn't mention it to your sister so much unless she happened to be in the room when you were talking to your brother-in-law. Confronting her about something her husband did would put her in a really awkward place where it might make her feel like she had to pick a side to be loyal to, either to her brother or to her husband.

I don't think thats a position anyone should be in.

I agree here. The sister did not commit the offense. She's naturally going to defend her husband when he's put in a negative light. You don't want her to even have the thought of choosing sides.
Like Tribi said, the brother in law might have meant nothing offensive when using the word, but he needs to know that it is offensive and hurtful to gays. Your sister should be the one to tell your nephew this is a bad word and not to repeat it. The maternal influence on the child will be much more effective.

 

[wundersteve]

I would tell the child at the time that "fag" is not a nice word and shouldn't be used.

I would likely approach my sister and tell her in a matter-of-fact way what the child had told me. No anger, just concern and querying. Since the context of the comments was not clear, I would ask her. It might be news to her, and then she could speak to her husband about it privately. He may not have realized that his words were offensive or that the child was picking them up.

This could possibly resolve everything. I would continue to have contact with those relatives and act the same way as usual, and observe my relatives' attitude towards me.

 

[Oden_grey]

Nothing you say to your sister or brother-in-law will have any effect on the language they use in private...

I happen to agree with this statement. I'm not attempting to be an asshole or anything but in the end it is pretty laughable how people here get up-in-arms so quickly over something said in the privacy of another person's home.

As much as I despise Herenthere's brother-in-law for his hateful words... there simply isn't a damn thing that anyone can do to make him stop saying "fag" in front of his kid, especially if he wholeheartedly hates gays. Furtheremore, not even the best among us can say that they have never belittled anyone behind their back! I think the expectations people have for other people are too damned high to be rational or reasonable. I think the best we can hope for is a Janus-faced culture that spews pleasantries and cordialities in the daylight and venom in the shadows.

 

[Jay.Jay]

If you decide to talk to your nephew about it, I would add one comment to those that have already been made. I would try to make the conversation a positive one for your nephew, in that I wouldn't go negative - 'you shouldn't use that word', etc. Your nephew asked a question about the meaning of the word, and I would answer that question, including explaining why I would be hurt / upset. I would follow this up by telling him that I understood that he was just asking about the word, and that he hadn't hurt my feelings by asking, and that it is important that he ask questions when he doesn't know something, as he wouldn't want to hurt someone's feelings. This makes saying 'don't use it' unnecessary. I also wouldn't say anything negative about your brother-in-law. You want your nephew to take on board that:

(a) words can hurt people
(b) this is one such word
(c) from which he should know not to use it

but also

(d) if unsure, he should ask someone he trusts (like you) for help understanding

Depending on whether he thinks about this, he may work out that his daddy shouldn't use words like this and ask next time he hears it - if so, you don't want him to say 'Uncle X said you were bad for calling him...', as this will just provoke a defensive reaction. You want any statement made by the nephew to dring him to a halt and to think about what he has said, rather than to defend himself to his son. (Note, I agree that you shouldn't encourage your nephew to say anything, but that you should recognise that he may choose to do so on his own - after all, he did choose to ask you about the word.)

As you might guess, I'd advise not going with 'do nothing'.

As for talking to your sister or brother-in-law, you're in a better position to judge this based on your relationship with each of them, and on what you believe was your brother-in-law's intent. If it was really reflective of ignorance rather than prejudice, then a rational discussion between adults seems warranted. If it is relective of homophobia, then some distance is probably needed - and a discussion with your sister explaining why you want some distance may be appropriate.

 

[wilehart1978]

That's a pretty tough call. I'd be more concerned about what else your brother-in-law has been saying about you and your partner. I think I'd say something to my sister - if anything else out of concern. For me, the fact he is being exposed to the word "fag" at his age is pretty disturbing. I can only imagine what other derogatory terms to used "describe" people your nephew has heard.

I'm a 23 year old open gay male, who has been in a committed relationship for two years. Both my partner and myself respect other peoples opinions and feeling and we do not "flaunt" our preference. We are both masculine acting and are positive contributors to society.

I was visiting my sister last night, when my 6 year old nephew ask me what a fag was, saying his daddy called me and Shaun that all the time.

I was stunned, and alone in the room with him, so nobody else heard it..

Should I:

A IGNORE IT
B CONFRONT MY SISTER
C CONFRONT MY BROTHER IN-LAW

I'm angry, but at the bottom of my anger, my feelings are hurt, what do you think guys??

 

[herenthere]

Hey guys, thanks so much for allowing me to vent and responding to my problem. After much thought and getting the whole situation in proper perspective, I felt it best to have lunch my my bro-in-law and leave my sister out of it.

We met for lunch and I simply waited until the right time and told him I had reason to believe that he had issues with my sexuality. He was totally shocked and of course denied it. After sharing what had happened with my nephew, he was for a lack of a better word...dumbfounded...As tears came to his eyes, he explained that yes he had referred to me and my partner as the two old "fags".
but said he means it in the same text as he calls me a "jerk" when my teams scores or wins.

I went on to explain that I'm a big boy, and words and name calling I can live with, but he needs to put his son first and foremost and realize what he is teaching this child. He could not have agrred more and said he would talk to Jed and let him know, that Dad blew it.

He also went on to explain how much he admired Shaun and myself for living our lives as we want, and I felt really good after our talk, and I'm really glad that he is, the awesome person I always thought he was, who made a mistake, owned it, and will do all he can to make it right.

Thanks Again Guys.

"the old fag"

 

[DaveyH]

I'd tell my nephew that using that word is not right. Then I'd confront my brother-in-law and tell him if he wants to call me a fag, do it to my face. If he did, then I'd kick his ass. Nothing like a straight guy knowing a "fag'' kicked his ass.

Dave

 

[Soilwork]

well, good for you.

Some people just don't get how words can scar, even if it's not you that they're scaring.

I can handle being called names, but I woudlnt' want a child to have to hear words like that and be sent the message that it's ok for him to use those words himself.

I think you handled it a LOT better than I would have.

Good for you.

 

[Blueboy369]

Congrats on handling the situation with dignity and class. It's good to know that he was mature enough to own up to his thoughtless mistake. All is well that ends well.

 

[muscleboy82000]

herenthere

Glad you and your brother-in-law discussed and closed the issue. Family is too important to let issues develop and not discuss them. Sounds like the issue is closed.

 

[Riverrick]

You did a GREAT JOB handling that!

​

 

[SFMusic]

Bravo. You handled this extremely well.

 

[ixthrock]

yeah, herenthere, you handled that like a trooper....

but at the risk of sounding smarmy...

I also enjoyed discovering how well your brother-in-law handled it.

It is just too easy to paint black-and-white pictures of people based upon isolated incidences, and assume self-righteous stances towards them that reflect very simplistic judgements.

"Oh, he is a bigot so i'm the better person."

There really is good and bad in everyone, and we all (i believe) have the capacity to change. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of positive reasons for change.

I felt really good after our talk, and I'm really glad that he is, the awesome person I always thought he was

I couldn't be happier to hear it. this is what happens when we genuinely care about each other.

 

[starlight70]

My eldest nephew found my card collection of men in briefs, all hunky and muscular, and I thought ooops! Except that he said he would want to have a body like this when he is all grown up, and then, he moved on... phew...

Kinda guess they knew who/what I am, and they are ok with it.