Need advice on male get-together

[lostparker17]

I've been invited to a party, hosted at a local hotel, where about ten-twelve guys play around with each other. About half are married as am I. All claim to be DDF, but safety is up to each individual. I have never done this before.

Some personal background. I am in my 50's (as are many of the "players"). From about 16-25, I considered myself bi and had str8 and gay sex. From 25-36, i pretty much led a gay life with almost no female partners. Then I met my wife, got married, have no kids by choice and have remained faithful ever since. She knew my background when we started dating and we had wild sex until 1992 when she just stopped. Thanks to the internet and my left hand, I have kept myself from going insane. She's a great woman and I dearly love her, but being celebate is not something I ever bargained for.

Now to my questions: Since I have never done this before, what can I expect to happen? Am I expected to participate with everyone and do everything they do? It's been 20 years since I've been fucked and I'm not sure I'm ready for it again. Is it safe to suck a condomless dick? What about swallowing? I avoided the bug all these years and I don't want to fuck up now.

Unfortunately, most of the guys will not be my type (chubby/bear, hairy daddies). However, I've morphed into their body types over the years myself, so I guess I can't worry about that, plus with Viagra, an erection won't be a problem.

Anyway, any advice is most welcome. I guess I'll give this thing a go, but I just want to know what to expect.

TIA

 

[Simon123]

I don't have advice. I'm in a similar situation and looking with interest for responses.

 

[Soilwork]

My advice..

Go back home to your wife.

You made your choice and you'll have to live with it.

The lowest form of life is the gay man who marries a woman and then thinks being "on the DL" is some form of cool lifestyle choice.

 

[slobone]

Since I've taken my gingko biloba this morning, I can just barely remember back to the days when I went to a lot of events like this. What I recall is that there was more groping and making out of various kinds than there was actual penetration. Especially in the early part of the evening.

Of course, if these guys are married, they may be more desperate and horny than the crowd I used to hang out with.

At most orgies, the basic idea is that anybody is free to approach anybody else. The second person is equally free to say "No thanks," in a nice way, or to gently remove the other person's hands from his person.

If he doesn't get the hint, you can be a little firmer. Or you can just walk away. Watch the other guys and see how they handle this.

In any event, you certainly shouldn't do anything you don't feel like doing. Nobody will criticize you for this, unless they're idiots.

And you certainly shouldn't rely on anybody's statement that they're disease-free. Always use a condom for anal sex. Most people don't think they're necessary for oral, but that's entirely your decision.

You might consult the host, or whoever invited you, to find out if there are any ground rules you need to know about.

This is actually a relatively small group, as orgies go, so maybe these guys all know each other and are pretty friendly. Most likely they'll understand if you're a little shy. And people usually don't mind if you "just watch."

And left-handed people are always welcome, since they increase the number of possible permutations in a cluster-fuck. Now if only I could remember if daisy chains are supposed to go clockwise or counterclockwise.... Kidding!

 

[TopThruster]

do you need viagra to get an erection for your wife, or do you just need viagra to get an erection for a man?

Stay with the mrs.

 

[lostparker17]

My advice..

Go back home to your wife.

You made your choice and you'll have to live with it.

The lowest form of life is the gay man who marries a woman and then thinks being "on the DL" is some form of cool lifestyle choice.

Funny, I don't remember asking for your opinion as to the morality of my actions. And, I actually didn't make a choice to be celebate for the last 14 years. And yes, we did go to counseling and it didn't work. And as I said, she was aware of my past when we got married.

I suppose you would approve if I had a relationship with another woman?

Isn't NSA sex better than looking for a lover and then divorcing my wife?

Oh, and f**k you too.

 

[bayern20]

Buddy, dont blame another poster, blame yourself.

You should not be looking outside your marriage. If you want to, do it the right way and, YES, GET A FUCKIN DIVORCE!

If you want to make it sound like you are doing your wife a favour by not divorcing her, but just cheating behind her back, well, that is not fair, and its not right.

People are going to have opinions if you state what you stated..why didn't you just say the party part and forget about the married bit and everything else?

 

[Elwood]

And as I said, she was aware of my past when we got married
Oh, and f**k you too.

Yes, but does she know about the present?? I think thats where the problem lies.
Thats is probobly going to get you a warning point!

 

[Soilwork]

Funny, I don't remember asking for your opinion as to the morality of my actions.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion. You wanna post on a board like this, you're going to not always hear what you want to hear. Something that someone in your position might wanna consider getting used to.

And, I actually didn't make a choice to be celebate for the last 14 years. And yes, we did go to counseling and it didn't work. And as I said, she was aware of my past when we got married.

Is she aware of your present? If she's cool with you shagging other men.. hey, I'm all for it. I go to sex parites all the time, and can give some great advice. But I don't help people back-stab their partners. Gay, Straight or otherwise.

I suppose you would approve if I had a relationship with another woman?

Fuck, no. What would make you think that? I would approve if you gave up this sham marriage that's really just been a living arrangement for the last 14 years and found someone with whom you could have a full sex life since that's so important to you.

Isn't NSA sex better than looking for a lover and then divorcing my wife?

Um.. no, in fact, it's not.

A real man with some integrity would admit his failure to make a heterosexual marriage work and would move on allowing both of you to maybe find the happiness that you haven't found with each other.

Sneaking around behind her back like some 15 year old sneaking out of the house after mom and dad are asleep is.. well, the kind of thing I would expect from a 15 year old. Amazing to me how many adult children there are out there.

Oh, and f**k you too.

Sorry.. I don't fuck married men. Ever.

 

[Soilwork]

Thats is probobly going to get you a warning point!

Oh, I hope not. I can be very blunt in my posts because kid gloves are for kids.

I know that things I post are going to rile people up.

And some of my best friends here are people who at one time or another found themselves at the end of my skewer.

 

[slobone]

Wow, when did gay people start getting so moralistic and judgmental? Haven't we suffered enough from being judged by the rest of society?

There are and always have been many possible ways to have a marriage or a relationship. There are open marriages, monogamous marriages, menages a trois, and everything in between.

And that applies both to straight and gay relationships. There isn't just one right way to do things. If it works for the people involved, that's all that counts.

Next I'll be hearing "monogamous marriage is what God intended for a man and a woman. Or a man and a man... it says so right in the Bible... um, wait a second while I think this through... "

 

[Soilwork]

Wow, when did gay people start getting so moralistic and judgmental? Haven't we suffered enough from being judged by the rest of society?

Just because I'm gay doesn't mean that I have to support someone lying to their partner and fucking around behind his/her back. Maybe the reason that gay men have the reputation of being without any integrity as people is that some of them don't.

There are and always have been many possible ways to have a marriage or a relationship. There are open marriages, monogamous marriages, menages a trois, and everything in between.

And I support every one of those.. the only one I don't support is when one of the partners doesn't realize that they're in an open relationship.

And that applies both to straight and gay relationships. There isn't just one right way to do things. If it works for the people involved, that's all that counts.

Exactly. If his wife is cool with him going out and fucking around behind her back, it "works for the people involved." However, if she's unaware of his activites, I'm going to venture a guess that it's not working for her.

Next I'll be hearing "monogamous marriage is what God intended for a man and a woman. Or a man and a man... it says so right in the Bible... um, wait a second while I think this through... "

no.. but you'll ALWAYS hear from me that 100% honesty with your partner is the only way for grown men to act. I hate people using the excuse of "I'm gay" for "I can fuck anything I want with no accountability for my actions".

 

[Yves]

I've been invited to a party, hosted at a local hotel, where about ten-twelve guys play around with each other. About half are married as am I. All claim to be DDF, but safety is up to each individual. I have never done this before.
(...)
Now to my questions: Since I have never done this before, what can I expect to happen? Am I expected to participate with everyone and do everything they do? It's been 20 years since I've been fucked and I'm not sure I'm ready for it again. Is it safe to suck a condomless dick? What about swallowing? I avoided the bug all these years and I don't want to fuck up now.

I have no experience with sex parties. I´m assuming that in an scenario like that personal limits and preferences should be respected, 100% condom policy ENFORCED and the potential participants should be aware that drugs or enhacers might be offered (alcohol + drugs + excitement = judgement impairment). I´ve seen more than a few STD cases that were traced back to a party where drugs and lack of judgement resulted in a serious health problem (and even worse if there is a male or female partner at home that might be infected as a result). Bottom line: Use a condom. It´s not enough to look healthy or hot. Condoms are the perfect accessory.

Unprotected oral sex has risks too (for HIV and other STDs). The risk is lower than anal sex, but is not zero. A sex party with men that enjoy anonymous sex adds more risk per se (thay´s not a value judgement just an epidemiological fact when you measure risk factors for STDs). A sex party is a high risk activity because of unknown sexual history of the participants and unreliable STD status info.
These CDC brochures provide info on condom use, oral sex and STDs in general. You´re welcome to join the Health & Wellbeing Forum (No flame zone) in case of additional questions.
http://www.cdc.gov/nchstp/od/condoms.pdf
http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/resources/factsheets/pdf/oralsex.pdf

 

[smakelijkus]

DDF= drug/disease free
NSA = no strings attached

 

[antdak]

I agree with Soilwork. Why do gay people need to be sluts sleeping around. I was in a 21 yr marrage, and neve once cheated on my spouce. I am looking for another partner, and have decided to wait until we are in a commited relationship to have sex. I know i may be in the minority, but I am a gay man with morals!! I would want my partner to be the same. What is wrong with that. Yes there are all kinds of relationships, but I for one, like Soilwork, will not have sex with one who is in any kind of relationship. I do not want to be the "other person." I think in some ways it does not make for a commited relationship. If it works for others then that is fine, its just not for me.

 

[slobone]

Just because I'm gay doesn't mean that I have to support someone lying to their partner and fucking around behind his/her back. Maybe the reason that gay men have the reputation of being without any integrity as people is that some of them don't.

And I support every one of those.. the only one I don't support is when one of the partners doesn't realize that they're in an open relationship.
Exactly. If his wife is cool with him going out and fucking around behind her back, it "works for the people involved." However, if she's unaware of his activites, I'm going to venture a guess that it's not working for her.



no.. but you'll ALWAYS hear from me that 100% honesty with your partner is the only way for grown men to act. I hate people using the excuse of "I'm gay" for "I can fuck anything I want with no accountability for my actions".

I see your point, but again, there are many kinds of marriages. Some wives, especially those that have been married a long time, have the attitude, "I don't care what you do on the side, as long as you don't tell me about it." There are others who feel the same way but don't ever say it explicitly.

Remember, they haven't had sex in 14 years. Presumably she's fine with that. Does he automatically have to divorce her just because he doesn't want to continue being celibate? How would being divorced make her life happier?

Or alternatively, does he have to keep her informed about everything he does with other people? That sounds like a formula for misery to me.

He knows his wife, and their relationship, a hell of a lot better than you or I do. So at least give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

[pausanias_usa]

And some of my best friends here are people who at one time or another found themselves at the end of my skewer.

OOooh -- sounds hot

 

[Elwood]

My two cents on the subject as an ex married(with a women) man. When I first came out I joined another message board it was mostly married men who wentbehind their wives back. At first I did not think much of it, but as I slowly started to accept who I was I could not take it their anymore.

It became a bunch of married guys who justified cheating on thier wives, by saying it was not really cheating because it was with another man. No it was not cheating it was lieing to yourself to appese the guilt.

I am sorry maybe because it took allot for me to finally accept being gay (divorce and putting the kids through that) and having the balls to do something about it. I just cannot accept that attitude cheating is cheating wether it be with the same sax or not.

Now having said that, Lostparker17 if your wife is aware that you are attending a sex party and she is OK with it then all the power to you!! Go and have fun. If she is not, then the fact that you to no longer have sex is not a reason to cheat on her.

 

[Soilwork]

I see your point, but again, there are many kinds of marriages. Some wives, especially those that have been married a long time, have the attitude, "I don't care what you do on the side, as long as you don't tell me about it." There are others who feel the same way but don't ever say it explicitly.

Well, that's the rub, ain't it? I have a feeling that she would wanna know one way or the other. Call me crazy, but until she's come right out and said "Go fucking anything that moves if you want", I'm gonna think of her as the victim here.

Remember, they haven't had sex in 14 years. Presumably she's fine with that. Does he automatically have to divorce her just because he doesn't want to continue being celibate? How would being divorced make her life happier?

Well, maybe she could find a guy who she connected with on a sexual level? Maybe she doesn't have sex with him becuase she can tell he's just thinking of men the whole time? Maybe she wants to stay. Why don't we let her make that decision?

Or alternatively, does he have to keep her informed about everything he does with other people? That sounds like a formula for misery to me.

Sounds like the formula for a perfect marriage to me.

He knows his wife, and their relationship, a hell of a lot better than you or I do. So at least give him the benefit of the doubt.

Yeah, because gay men who have covert sex with other men have been known to be so damned honourable.

nothing if going to change the fact he's cheating on his wife and asking us for pointers.

 

[slobone]

I agree with Soilwork. Why do gay people need to be sluts sleeping around. I was in a 21 yr marrage, and neve once cheated on my spouce. I am looking for another partner, and have decided to wait until we are in a commited relationship to have sex. I know i may be in the minority, but I am a gay man with morals!! I would want my partner to be the same. What is wrong with that. Yes there are all kinds of relationships, but I for one, like Soilwork, will not have sex with one who is in any kind of relationship. I do not want to be the "other person." I think in some ways it does not make for a commited relationship. If it works for others then that is fine, its just not for me.

OK, first of all, just as many straight guys as gay guys sleep around, so that's not the issue. If you want to wait until you're in a committed relationship before having sex, that's great, but that's your choice. It's not a moral absolute unless you're going to hold the rest of society to an impossibly high standard.

And anyway, I'm not sure what "a committed relationship" means in this context -- please enlighten me. With straight people, it usually means they're married. With two gay men, does it mean you're literally not going to have sex until you get married, or have a commitment ceremony, or -- what? I'm just curious.