Need advice on male get-together

[Soilwork]

What's really bugging me about this thread is the way that he seemingly looks down on gay men.

He comes in here with this "Well, I'm not one of you, I'm married to a woman and I just can't jack off anymore alone, but there's no way I'll come out because I'm SO much better than you all. So I'll meet other guys for sex, but they're all married too.. it's not like I'd do it with one of YOUR kind." (I mean, if he really just wanted advice, we woudln't have been treated to his reason for going to the party.. he felt he had to explain WHY he was going)

He just assumes that since gay men are all so without morals and standards and scruples that we'll all just fall right in and tell him how to do it.

He also seems to think that we hold the same opinions about straight people and "Straight Acting" men, and when I tell him to stick with his wife he then throws out this "I guess you'd be ok if I was cheating with a woman" thing which kinda suggests he thinks that *I* also think that being straight in ANY was is better than being gay... like the problem isn't that he's cheating but that he's lowering himself to be with the gays.

And his shock that I would stand up for myself and honesty pretty much underscores this... that "I won't take moral advice from someone like YOU..." response.

A committed relationship doesn't require a ceremony or a certificate.. it requires honesty between partners. Something that he seems shocked that gay men have and he doesn't.

 

[spooger]

I've been invited to a party, hosted at a local hotel, where about ten-twelve guys play around with each other. About half are married as am I. All claim to be DDF, but safety is up to each individual. I have never done this before.

*clip*

Now to my questions: Since I have never done this before, what can I expect to happen? Am I expected to participate with everyone and do everything they do? It's been 20 years since I've been fucked and I'm not sure I'm ready for it again. Is it safe to suck a condomless dick? What about swallowing? I avoided the bug all these years and I don't want to fuck up now.

I guess I'll give this thing a go, but I just want to know what to expect.

TIA

IMHO - moralizing is NOT what the poster requested....

if anyone wants to moralize his OPINION....start your own thread.....

otherwise....can you simply answer the poster's questions...IF YOU HAVE EXPERIENCES TO OFFER....

TALK ABOUT HIJACKING!!!.....OF COURSE THAT'S JUST MY OWN OPINION....

 

[slobone]

What's really bugging me about this thread is the way that he seemingly looks down on gay men.

He comes in here with this "Well, I'm not one of you, I'm married to a woman and I just can't jack off anymore alone, but there's no way I'll come out because I'm SO much better than you all. So I'll meet other guys for sex, but they're all married too.. it's not like I'd do it with one of YOUR kind." (I mean, if he really just wanted advice, we woudln't have been treated to his reason for going to the party.. he felt he had to explain WHY he was going)

He just assumes that since gay men are all so without morals and standards and scruples that we'll all just fall right in and tell him how to do it.

He also seems to think that we hold the same opinions about straight people and "Straight Acting" men, and when I tell him to stick with his wife he then throws out this "I guess you'd be ok if I was cheating with a woman" thing which kinda suggests he thinks that *I* also think that being straight in ANY was is better than being gay... like the problem isn't that he's cheating but that he's lowering himself to be with the gays.

And his shock that I would stand up for myself and honesty pretty much underscores this... that "I won't take moral advice from someone like YOU..." response.

A committed relationship doesn't require a ceremony or a certificate.. it requires honesty between partners. Something that he seems shocked that gay men have and he doesn't.

I have no idea where you're getting that from. Please re-read his original post. I think he laid everything out in a fairly straightforward way. He doesn't deny being gay at all.

I think you have him confused with some of these guys we get here who say, "I'm married and completely straight, but lately I find myself getting turned on by gay porn, but of course I'm straight, blah blah blah."

 

[Soilwork]

You might remember I was one of the pro-Hijacking people.

like I said.. everyone is entitled to my opinion.

 

[Yves]

What's really bugging me about this thread is the way that he seemingly looks down on gay men.

He comes in here with this "Well, I'm not one of you, I'm married to a woman and I just can't jack off anymore alone, but there's no way I'll come out because I'm SO much better than you all. So I'll meet other guys for sex, but they're all married too.. it's not like I'd do it with one of YOUR kind." (I mean, if he really just wanted advice, we woudln't have been treated to his reason for going to the party.. he felt he had to explain WHY he was going)

He just assumes that since gay men are all so without morals and standards and scruples that we'll all just fall right in and tell him how to do it.

He also seems to think that we hold the same opinions about straight people and "Straight Acting" men, and when I tell him to stick with his wife he then throws out this "I guess you'd be ok if I was cheating with a woman" thing which kinda suggests he thinks that *I* also think that being straight in ANY was is better than being gay... like the problem isn't that he's cheating but that he's lowering himself to be with the gays.

And his shock that I would stand up for myself and honesty pretty much underscores this... that "I won't take moral advice from someone like YOU..." response.

A committed relationship doesn't require a ceremony or a certificate.. it requires honesty between partners. Something that he seems shocked that gay men have and he doesn't.

Are we reading the same message? I agree with the idea of honesty in a relationship but at the same time I didn´t get the "I´m not one of you" idea the first time I read this thread. Perception is subjective and we react differently to the same piece of information based on our own experiences, stereotypes and prejudices. Personally, I just saw someone providing some general background and asking for specific advice.

I´ve been here for more than two years. I´m not a frequent poster, but based on what I´ve seen there seems to be a bias against married or bisexual guys. The same standards are not necessarily applied across the board. We are a pretty diverse group and not necessarily consistent in our opinions and real life actions.

What might have happened if I had started a thread along the lines of:
"I've been invited to a party in (insert hot gay spot here), where about ten-twelve guys play around with each other. I have never done this before but I need something new. Sex at home with Mike is been boring for a while...." without even mentioning if I was in an open relationship or not.

The comments might have been somewhat different or exactly the same, who knows. Some posters might have even encouraged my sense of sexual adventure or even suggest threesomes or parties as ways to spice my sex life.

Honesty is a good thing and for many an essential component of a relationship (gay or straight) but moralizing is not the more effective strategy for behavioral change (as many gays can testify).

Spooger has a good point. The original poster was asking for specific advice. If someone wants to start a relevant moral discussion it´s welcome to start a new thread and explore all the angles and avoid lowest form of life comments or equivalents in general (I´m probably a very low form of life for some people anyway just because of my sexual orientation independent of my marital status).

 

[star-warrior]

The best thing to do I think, is be honest to your partner. Tell her that you're not having sex together has driven you to explore a sexual outlet with other men. If she knows about your past, and you need to express your sexuality one way or another, get your partner's approval first.

As to what happens at orgies, I don't know. I've never been lucky enough to have been invited. Good luck, anyway.

 

[Andreus]

i think the guy needs to tell his partner that he's stepping out, but i think we owe him the respect of at least saying it in a way that he might hear and take seriously, otherwise we are all just yelling to be the loudest.

that never changes the mind of a man looking for guidance.

would it work for you, cousin?

I seem to remember me blasting you a few times in CE&P, and it wasnt until i calmed down enough to actually communicate with you that we actually exchanged ideas and met in the middle.

right?

 

[Andreus]

in all fairness, i didnt have the option or desire to read all the posts, so i will trust your assessment

 

[bayern20]

This type of thing is stupid on all levels..be it if you are bi, gay, married, or whatever.

You are putting your wife in possible danger, condoms are especially not 100% certain when you are sucking and fucking 12 guys at the same time. And anybody who would do this probably has something already.

 

[Soilwork]

What might have happened if I had started a thread along the lines of:
"I've been invited to a party in (insert hot gay spot here), where about ten-twelve guys play around with each other. I have never done this before but I need something new. Sex at home with Mike is been boring for a while...." without even mentioning if I was in an open relationship or not.

Certianly not from me.

My BF and i go to sex parties all the time.. sometimes we throw them.

But if we know a guy has a BF, he's invited too, and we dont' just get him to pass the invitation along, we call up both people and invite them.

I'm all about free expression of sexuality and i think that men especailly need to be totally comfortable exploring their sexual appetites.

but not at the detriment of their partner.

Personally, I don't care if people like my attitude or not.

 

[Riverrick]

Great Thread! Love it. Really do.

I love a thread where I can't wait to read the next post. Thanks guys, this is a great one. After I read that first post, I said, "Please God, let Soilwork see this." Oh man, jackpot!

Now I'm waiting for Lostparker to return. ("Please God....")

 

[star-warrior]

Certianly not from me.

My BF and i go to sex parties all the time.. sometimes we throw them.

But if we know a guy has a BF, he's invited too, and we dont' just get him to pass the invitation along, we call up both people and invite them.

I'm all about free expression of sexuality and i think that men especailly need to be totally comfortable exploring their sexual appetites.

but not at the detriment of their partner.

Personally, I don't care if people like my attitude or not.

Soilwork's other names are Frank and Earnest. The latter is very important from an Oscar Wilde perspective.

 

[blooeyz]

Funny, I don't remember asking for your opinion as to the morality of my actions. And, I actually didn't make a choice to be celebate for the last 14 years. And yes, we did go to counseling and it didn't work. And as I said, she was aware of my past when we got married.

I suppose you would approve if I had a relationship with another woman?

Isn't NSA sex better than looking for a lover and then divorcing my wife?

Oh, and f**k you too.

Soilwork can't help it
he's very opinionated and vocal on this topic.
Realize he knows he's right despite not knowing you or your background at all.

 

[blooeyz]

If you must go, wear a condom pop a viagra and have fun.

Can you talk to your wife about the lack of sex and come to an understanding about your expectation of your marriage, eg if she doesn't want to have sex, you will need to get that someplace else. However, you will maintain emotional fidelity to her?

 

[Soilwork]

Soilwork can't help it
he's very opinionated and vocal on this topic.
Realize he knows he's right despite not knowing you or your background at all.

I'd be interested to know what in his background could make cheating on his partner an acceptable thing.

 

[Riverrick]

Soilwork can't help it
he's very opinionated and vocal on this topic.
Realize he knows he's right despite not knowing you or your background at all.

I think Lostparker told us everything we need to know.

I agree with Soil on this - that 2 adults in a relationship should be 100% honest with each other. I mean, why wouldn't they be? The only answer I can come up with is so they don't have to suffer fallout from their own actions. Which I think is childish and immature. And always damaging to a relationship.

 

[Andreus]

I'd be interested to know what in his background could make cheating on his partner an acceptable thing.

at the risk of violating the forces of nature, I have to say I agree with this comment one hundred percent.

the old term consenting adults?

it requires that all parties are informed and do, in fact, consent.

cheating is cheating is cheating

the sex of the parties or the length of the relationship are irrelevant.

 

[Soilwork]

The only answer I can come up with is so they don't have to suffer fallout from their own actions. Which I think is childish and immature. And always damaging to a relationship.

Bingo.

Too many gay men think that being gay in a license to not act like a grown men. They seem to think that the fact that they decided to marry women even though they're gay somehow releases them from the usual rules of relationships.

Childish and immature is right. But pretty much what I've learned to expect from gay married men.

 

[Lube]

Are we reading the same message? I agree with the idea of honesty in a relationship but at the same time I didn´t get the "I´m not one of you" idea the first time I read this thread.

Yeah, I'm with Yves with this one.

I didn't get the impression the OP was being judgmental of gays (being that he said he was one).

Yet I do agree with Soilwork that cheating isn't the best policy. I can understand why lostparker17 is doing what he's doing (14 years in a relationship and no sex), but can't condone how he goes about resolving the issue. The assumption here, though, is that his wife doesn't know. A pretty safe assumption, but an assumption nonetheless.

 

[Soilwork]

don't be silly.. if she knew, he'd have said "She knows what's up" not "She knows my history".

Not that it matters... by now, the plethora of married men who come here to get porn and meet men to hook up with have all PMd him and they've had a nice "Badmouth Soilwork" party while trading tips on how to hide stretch marks on your ass from your wife.

BiMarriedMale has probably given him a list of sex parties and cruising spots in his area.