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Not for the faint of heart or easily offended...

BenF

BenF

Vodka and mouthwash
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Right...bad taste jokes are the order of the day I think...PLEASE don't be offended!

Q) What's blue and fucks grannies?
A) Hypothermia


Q) What's blue and doesn't fit?
A) A dead epileptic


Q) What's pink, stiff, 12 inches long and makes women scream?
A) Cotdeath


Like I say...please don't be offended. :twisted:
 
I'm sorry, Cotdeath? I would google it, but I'm afraid of what I might see...
 
The mail just came: there's a nice cottage waiting for you in hell.

And I'll be living right next to you, 'cause I loved the jokes, especially the last one :D
 
Well if we are being sick:

Three women were in the waiting room of a gyneacologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.
"What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."
They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"
 
cot death -->
sudden infant death syndrome
<syndrome> May affect infants of any age, but some risk factors have been identified: term infants who have had a life-threatening period of apnoea (not breathing), premature infants of low birth weight, siblings of infants who have succumbed to sudden infant death syndrome and infants of substance abusing mothers.

Peak age is at 2.5 months and 4 months, but can range from 1 month to 1 year. High risk infants should have home monitoring done. It is recommended that the less than 4 month old infant should sleep on their back.

Synonym: cot death syndrome.

Incidence: 2 per 1,000 live births.

Acronym: SIDS

(27 Sep 1997)

Just incase anyone was wondering. :wave:
 
Oh dear!
Guy goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him "I'm afraid that I've got good news and bad news for you."

"Tell me the good news first, doc." the man says.

"Your cock is going to get two inches longer and a whole inch wider." the doctor states.

"That's fantastic, doc. What's the bad news."

The doctor looks at him and says "It's malignant."



Q: How do you make a cat go Woof?

A: Douse it in gasoline and throw a lit match at it.

eusa_doh.gif
 
Carlsberg-Tetley have created a new beer in the memory of Kenneth Bigley - it's got plenty of body and no head.

In other news from Merseyside - after not winning any trophies for over seven years, Liverpool Football Club have finally got something to hold above their heads...Emlyn Hughes.

I'll get me coat...
 
A thread revived from the archives...here's some more!! :p :p :p

Q) What's black and squeals?

A) Stevie Wonder answering the iron
________

Q) Who are the acknowledged fastest readers in history ?

A) Those on top floor of twin towers on 9/11. They went through 110 storeys in 6 seconds.
________

Q) Whats the worst thing about sucking grandma's cunt?

A) Swallowing Grandpa's sloppy seconds.
________

Q) Which animal has it's cunt halfway along it's back?

A) A police horse
________

Q) What's the difference between a pile of bowling balls and a pile of babies?

A) You can't shift a pile of bowling balls with a pitchfork
________

Q) What's black and walks into pianos?

A) Stevie Wonder
________

A man was walking along the clifftops at the white cliffs of dover when he found a five year old boy sreaming and bawling his eyes out.

"What's up young fella?"

crying unconsolably he replied,"My mummmy and daddy and sister were in a car and it's just gone over the cliff and they're all dead -sniff- and I'm all alone"

Undoing his trouser zip the bloke says,"it's just not your day is it!"
________

Q) What's blue & orange & lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?

A) A baby with burst arm bands.
________

Q) What's the worst thing about shagging a four year old??

A) Hearing the pelvis crack
________

Q) What's black, has 4 wheels and sits at the top of the stairs smoking??

A) Stephen Hawkins in a house fire!!!
________

After the Tsunami, local entrepeneurs have said that business is starting to pick up now that some of the locals have started to drift back.
__________________

How do you spot a Thai prostitute?

She's the one in the fishnets.



I'll get me coat...
 
what's the definition of endless love?

ray charles and stevie wonder playing tennis.
 
A man with no arms or legs is lying on the beach when a fit woman walks up to him and asks him 'have you ever been hugged?', 'no never' he replyed, so she hugged him
about 5 minutes later another fit woman comes up to him and askes him 'have you ever been kissed?', again he replys 'no never' so she kisses him
about 10 minutes later another woman comes up to him ad says 'have you ever been fucked?', by now he's thinking hes in with a chance, so he grins and replys 'no never' then she replyes 'well your about to as the tide comming in'

oh well send me to hell
 
What's the name of Helen Keller's dog?
UGH UGH
Why did he commit suicide?
Wouldn't you if your name was UGH UGH.
 
Why did Helen Keller masturbate with just one hand? So she could moan with the other....
 
Have you seen the new Helen Keller doll? You wind it up and it slams into the wall!

How did Helen Keller burn her fingers? Trying to read the waffle iron. (Gawd, I love sick jokes!!!)
 
#-o Oh I'm gonna burn in Hell for this...

Q: Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
A: Cos she wasn't wearing a seat belt.


A barman was locking up the pub for the night when a tramp knocked at the door. When the barman opened the door the tramp asked for a tooth pick. The barman was confused but gave him one and carried on locking up. A short while later another tramp knocked on the door and also asked for a tooth pick, and the barman gave him one. As the barman was just about to leave, up came another tramp but his time he asked for a straw. By this time the barman thought he had to ask why.
He said to the tramp "How come the other two tramps asked for a tooth pick and you asked for a straw?"
The tramp replied "Someone's been sick outside but all the good stuff is gone!"


A pedophile and a little boy are walking through a park in the dark. The little boy begins to cry and when the pedophile asks him what's wrong he sniffs "I'm frightened."
"You're frightened!" exclaims the pedophile, "I've got to walk back on my own!"


Q. What's better than winning a gold medal at the paraolympics?
A. Not being a spastic!


Q. What part of a cabbage can't you eat?
A. The wheelchair!


Q. What is white and bobs up and down in a cot?
A. A pedophile's ass.


Q. What has two legs and bleeds a lot?
A. Half a dog.

[-X [-X [-X ;)
 
A woman goes to see her GP with non specific symptoms of tiredness and nausea.

He says "Well you're not giving me much to go on but I'll run some bloods, come back in a week and I'll see what comes up."

A week late she returns and is greeted by the GP's grinning face.

"Looks like we've hit the nail on the head" he says "you'll be changing nappies in a few weeks."

"Oh fantastic" she says "am I pregnant?"

"No" he replys, "You've got bowel cancer."


Yeah - my coat's the black one on the left..
 
A woman was seriously injured in an auto accident that caused her to go into a coma. After months of treatment, she still showed no signs of recovery. One day the nurse was giving the lady a sponge bath. When the nurse wiped her pussy, the lady quivered. The nurse was excited. She ran into the doctor's office and informed him of the situation. The doctor took the sponge and wiped the lady's pussy and again she quivered.
Immediately the doctor called the lady's husband. When the husband arrived at the hospital, the doctor suggested to him, "Your wife is responding to stimuli. You may be able to bring her out of the coma. Try having oral sex with her. She may respond to your touch and your smell. She needs you." The husband was more than willing. He was however a little embarrassed about having oral sex in front of the doctor. The doctor suggested that he and the nurse would monitor the event from another room across the hall.
So the doctor hooked the lady up to several electrodes and he and the nurse went to the other room to monitor the session. After a while of watching the meters go beep.... beep.... beep...., the heart monitor flat lined. The lady had died. The doctor and nurse ran into the room and asked, "What happened? Your wife is dead!!" The husband replied, "I think she choked."


(!) (!) (!) (!) (!)
 
this thread is hilarious... i wish i had some jokes to add.
 
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