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Operafan - Archived Blog Posts
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This has been such a horrible winter in almost every way. The snow and ice was the worst we've had in years the day you died. The weather has been so bad that we waited to put your ashes until it was spring. But today was miserable. It rained all day yesterday and the cemetery was a swamp. We slogged our way to the mausoleum.

You would have been pleased. A number of people made their way to the ceremony. It didn't last long but it was very meaningful.

Your daughter arranged the service beautifully and your granddaughter spoke so movingly of your achievements that I wept that you were not here to hear the wonderful things.

I hear you every day in my mind. Yesterday I was at a old-time store and they were selling sorghum. I remember how thrilled you were when B**** brought you some sorghum on a recent trip. The most minor things make me think of you.

I'm watching one of the old Donald Strachey movies in keeping with our Sunday night ritual of homo movie night. I miss the fried oysters too.

While I have been mourning you and us today I've been thinking about the things I'm grateful for as well.

I am grateful for the 27 years we had together.
I am grateful that you were able to be in your home until you went to the hospital.
I am grateful that you never lost your lucidity in spite of all the misery that you suffered towards the end.
I am grateful that we loved going to the opera together.
I am grateful that you introduced me to your family and how wonderful they have been.
I am grateful that you told me that loving me made you the happiest you had ever been in your life.
I am grateful for our mutual support and constancy.

I have so many things to be grateful for and this is just the beginning of my list.

I am grateful that you were in my life and that loving you touched me so deeply that my life will never be the same.

Night, baby.
 
Yesterday was the first day of spring -- and we got 6 plus inches of snow. You would have hated it. Fortunately, it has melted very quickly and I would have no trouble coming over this evening.

I got a spotlight for the painting you gave back to me. It has been in my office since I picked it up from your apartment. My office is so dark that I forgot it was there. I rather like the light shining on it. I should have suggested it for you as well since your living room was so dark as well. I think it has maintained its look rather well. I can't remember when I bought it for you -- I do remember it was at an art fair. It was very early in our relationship because I didn't know you didn't like the fantasy genre very much. But you had it framed and gave it pride of place.

I've been working on the Web all week and think I will have something to publish by the end of the evening. I know you always felt helpless when it came to computers and the Internet but you really did do pretty well. I don't know of many 80-year-olds who would have stuck with it. Although part of it was your love of JUB and also the downloading of videos for your amusement. I have to admit that I haven't kept up with Brad's story -- but there haven't been many installments since your death.

Spring break is over and I have bury myself in grading. It will all go very quickly. Of course, I would rather be with you than working all the time. You helped me break away from that computer.

Five more things I'm grateful for:

I'm grateful that
  • we went to the Met and held hands on the balcony on the second floor
  • we took our friend to NY for his last big trip
  • we had sex while he was in the room because it gave him such pleasure to know that we were enjoying each other
  • we met your granddaughter and her boyfriend and took them out to the dinner before going to the opera with us
  • we loved going to the opera together
 
Baby, I put a rose on your grave today. You left me three months ago today. I think of you the first thing every morning and the last thing every night. I miss you so.
 
Hi, baby. I went to see Rigoletto Friday night. Because you weren't there, no coffee on the way to the city, no hand holding as we drove along the way, no dinner together (I read my iPod during dinner - isn't that odd), and, of course no opera together.

I think you would have really liked this production. Nothing modernized, nothing updated, very traditional and lots of great staging. The soprano was a last minute addition because the one scheduled got sick. She was okay and the audience seemed appreciative, but I thought she really faded in the high notes. The Rigoletto was terrific and the Duke was not warmed up sufficiently during the first act but came on strong in the last two. Maddelena was pretty mousy and not anything like the buxom wench that you, and C... and I used to talk about.

Still, it was a nice production. Someone is going with me to the last production at the end of April. I don't know her very well but she seems like a pleasant person to go to opera with. Not like going with you. Nothing is like going with you or being with you.

I loved
. the way you Frenched kiss -- it was always so passionate
. the way you were always ready to go some place -- until the last two weeks.
. the way you stuck your tongue in my ear
. way you curled your arm around me when we watched TV
. the way we would sneak kisses in public places
 
Oh, it has been kind of a long day. Went out to eat with others because my family came down yesterday for an early Easter. On the way back I couldn't help but think about the fact that this was the first Easter without you.

I couldn't stand not being without you so I bought some yellow tulips for your grave. I know they won't last long but I hate all of the plastic flowers. I would rather that you have something real even if it only lasts a couple of days. Somehow it is more meaningful that I have to keep replenishing them rather than sticking in a plastic yellow daisy and calling it good.

I kissed your gravestone a couple of times. It was a beautiful day and the sun had warmed the plate. It was very warm on my lips. It made my cr;y a little more but it did help.

For some reason, it all made me flash back to the day before you died. Your daughter had taken a long lunch and I held your hand and cried as you slept a very deep sleep. I think I knew in my heart that you would never wake up. I don't know why I've thought about it all day long. Just random, I guess.

I hope you like the tulips. They were beautiful and sunny and yellow - just like the day. But my heart is still broken.

I miss you.
 
Hi, baby! I had a meeting in Jeff City on Friday and took the opportunity to put more flowers on your grave. Your daughter must have put out flowers the same day because there were fresh flowers there already. See, we haven't forgotten you. The weather has been beautiful so the flowers should last a few days.

I spend the weekend preparing for a dinner tonight. Wish you had been there. I think you would have enjoyed the conversation. You would have known everyone there. Your name came up of course. I miss the sneakied kiss as you walk out the door or my rubbing your leg underneath the table.

I'm up against the wall for the presentations I need to make next week. I will write early as I will be gone Sunday through Tuesday.

Things that I remember
  • Walking down the street with you in New York after having dinner with our friend. She was going 180 degrees the wrong direction back to her hotel.
  • As we were walking back to the hotel we thought we were being followed and quickened our pace. We were really glad to get back to that hotel.
  • That was our first national conference together. You took care of our tickets to the opera and the Broadway shows. You were also furious to meet your brother in the ticket line.
  • What was funny about meeting your brother was that he was there with his boyfriend. You boys never liked each other very much and yet you were so much alike. Maybe that explains everything.
  • I don't remember everything we saw but we did see Candide, Arsenic and Old Lace, and Big River. What a lovely time we had together. It was at the beginning of our relationship and we did many things together at these conferences. I loved snuggling at the end of the long days. I miss that.
 
Hi, baby. I'm going to make this one brief. I'm off to the conference where we so fatefully (at least for us) met in 1982. I remember it very vividly. I didn't think much about you because we don't know each other, but it was nice to be sharing a room with someone as I was usually by myself.

The times that I did share with someone I always hoped that something would happen and it would turn out to be more than just bunking mates.

When I got back from my meetings you were already in bed -- which I realize now was your habit. You were also naked, which I realize now was your habit, but I didn't know that at the time.

We talked for a while and then it was lights out. We kept on talking. Nothing much -- just chatting really. It went on for quite a while and then you lit another cigarette and this time you were laying on top of your bedspread and your dick was hard.

Wow -- now that's more like it!! Since all of my sex had been with total strangers in public and semi-public places this threw me off a bit. I think we talked for some more and then you lit another cigarette and your dick was still hard.

I remember saying -- quite stupidly -- "let's get this over with." You let me suck you off and then I scampered over to my bed. You wanted to talk about it in the morning and I wanted to pretend it never happened. I remember meeting Bill in the morning for breakfast and my trying desperately to pretend it had never happened. I was so far in the closet and I assumed since I was the aggressor you would tell everyone on campus that you had this fag who blew you the last night of the conference.

After a few meetings we drove home. Again you wanted to talk about it and all I remember saying is "I'm a big boy now" and I didn't want to talk about it.

When I got home, I kept waiting for the phone to ring because you had told someone about what I had done. But the weeks went by and you nor anyone else phoned and I forgot about it.

Then in late August or September you asked me if I wanted to room with you again at another conference -- this one in Houston. I was astonished that you called but I said yes. I guessed you didn't hate me for sucking on your dick after all.

The first night we were in Houston, we watched a porn and you finally asked me if you could do to me what I had done to you earlier. And, boy did I say yes. We had a wonderful time at that conference and many others that we went to together.

I'm so glad that I decided to "get it over with." It changed my life forever.
 
Baby -- It has been four months since you passed away. I can't believe that it has only been four months. It seems like you have been gone a long time.

I took out some flowers for your grave today. Another sodden, wet day. I don't think it is just my feelings that are gray and rainy -- it really has been raining like crazy.

I stood by you grave and thought about the good times and how much I miss you. There will be a memorial service on campus for all those from the U who passed away this year. I will go and think of you and us.

I miss your brown eyes. I miss your hairy chest. I miss your bristly mouth. I miss the way you held me. I miss being able to cook for you and to love you. I miss the candles and the romance. I miss the weeknight movies and the Sunday movies. I miss watching Poirot with you. I miss your enthusiasm about your what you have been reading and hearing about what you grandchildren have been doing. I miss everything.
 
Baby - I just got through reading a thesis and am working my way through a research paper. I can't imagine what you would have done to these papers. I've never been around such a meticulous (picky) editor in my life as you were. In all the writing that I've done in the past you have been my editor -- and I've needed one.

I learned a great deal from you as an editor -- and many other things as well. I've continued to use your editing skills for my own (never quite as good as yours, of course) but I'm passing them on to another group. The other things that I learned from you, generosity of spirit, ebullience toward life, depth of love, a passion for fried oysters -- well, they're going to have to learn those things on their own.
 
Took some new flowers to your grave, honey. It was another drizzly day and I couldn't help but think about the fact that 9/10 times I've been to the grave site it has been snowing or raining. I think that is kind of symbolic, don't you? I lean on you gravestone and rub my fingers over your name. It helps me to feel a little more connected. I miss you.
 
I don't know why, but I was thinking about our spaghetti nights on Sunday. I don't think I've made Spaghetti Bolognese since you died. I know I haven't made Linguini with White Clam Sauce. It is so easy to do -- why haven't I made that? Maybe because you aren't here with me to eat it. I need to order it out -- maybe it still hurts a little bit too much to make it for myself.

Miss your hugs and kisses.
 
Babe, it was raining so hard that I didn't get flowers on your grave on the 25th. I waited until closer to memorial day and put a ring of red roses on your grave. I entwined a ribbon with the words "I miss you every single day" around the roses. The woman who sold me the flowers said they wouldn't last very long. I said it didn't matter because they were for me at that moment. I'll take out some more flowers later.

I hadn't figured out why I wanted only fresh flowers for your grave. They always looks so sad when I go back out. But there is something depressing about seeing all of these plastic flowers. I guess it is that it is so easy to stick the flowers in the vase and turn away and forget.

I don't want to forget -- I want to keep returning to think about you and us and each time I bring flowers. Even though they wilt, they and I are renewed each time I come out.

I fixed dinner for relatives who stopped by yesterday after putting out flowers for memorial day. It was a nice day, but I was pooped after the cooking and cleaning. I'm trying to work on classes today.

I'd rather be going over to your place to be loved.
 
I just saw an ad for the new iPhone with it's wonderful built-in camera for phone to phone video. I had to cry just a bit because it reminded me of our nightly Skype sessions. I knew when to quit working because it was 10:00 pm and it was time to call my baby.

We didn't always have a lot to talk about but we would catch up on the day's events. Your events were too often about your increasingly frequent doctor visits. Damn, I wish I could have spared you that.

At any rate, I turned on the spotlight in my office on the watercolor that you gave back to me. When I have all the lights off except for the spotlight, it seems like you are with me just a little bit more.

I hope I don't lose my Skype talents since I'm not using it every night. Just like I'm not using body parts that I used to use whenever I was with you as much as I used to.

I guess everything slows down.

Except my thoughts of you.
 
Hi, babe. Tonight is the Tony Awards and one of our favorite evenings. We always did a special meal for this night and then we would cuddle. Was it last year that we were blown away with the Billy Elliott scenes?

This year La Cage is up for best revival. It looks like fun. It reminds me of our last (?) trip to NY when we saw a different production. That was so much fun and we shed a little tear for "I Am What I Am."

You would have loved that Jessica AKA Angela Lansbury was nominated for another Tony this year. She didn't win but looked pretty amazing. She also got an honorary presentation.

I wish we could make a quick trip. There is a play called Next Fall which deals with a gay couple who confront a crisis. The reviews have not been overwhelming but it looks like a sweet little play.

Love you.
 
Babe - I put birds of paradise on your grave today. I removed the wreath of roses that I put out on Memorial Day. The roses were gone but the ribbon was still there: "I miss you every single day."

Saw your daughter on Saturday. She was in town for something at the university and made a special effort to come by and see me. I am so grateful that your daughter and the grandchildren have been so kind to me. It will always be a special your family cared about me as well. But, hey, they had your genes and you were always such a loving fellow.

I'm off on a trip this week. It will keep me crazy busy but the last time I was there with you. I'm slowly getting used to going on these trips by myself but it always brings back the memories of you waiting for me in the room at the end of the day. We'd go out or just to dinner and then come back and snuggle. I may forget a lot of things, but I will never forget that.

I was trying to remember what we did together the last time we were in Washington. Nothing in particular comes to me -- was that when we went to see the Korean Memorial? I know the time before we went to the FDR Memorial and about froze out butts off. That won't be a problem this time.

I think of you every single day. I miss you every single day.

I love you.
 
I haven't done much sight seeing since I've been here. You would not be happy with the weather -- it's been very hot. But, of course, you would be mainly in the room being cool and reading during most of the day waiting for me to get back to the room.

I think of you all the time, of course, but when I went out with friends tonight, I had to have oysters on the half shell for you. They were fantastic! I think they were better than any that we had at McCormick and Schmick. Small, briny, and super fresh. Followed that with Linguini al Diavolo. It wasn't very Diavolo but the shrimp, mussels, and scallops were cooked perfectly. I have been avoiding the Merlots of late because they have been so horrible but this was nicely dry and no hint of the cough syrup taste that I think happens so often with Merlots.

Company was fine -- very fine, actually. However there wasn't anyone there to tell all the stories of the people he'd met. That isn't so much me -- and it wouldn't be the same without you anyway.

I went to a brunch this morning, but I didn't see C. The company always does a nice job and this was in the Mayflower Hotel -- quite regal and beautiful. You would have loved it although I'm not sure you would have liked the author so much. Didn't see much of the old crowd -- so maybe that is another way they are cutting down costs.

Another Sunday has gone by that I didn't get to kiss you, and hug you, and love you.

Night, baby.
 
Hi, babe. It's kind of funny -- this holiday was not particularly special to us so I don't know why I'm feeling so sad today. Maybe it was all those patriotic programs were already making me melancholy -- don't know -- any way I'm missing you terribly tonight.

I bought some fresh peaches at the market Saturday. I should have been able to make you a peach pie -- your favorite. I did make a peach dessert but it was not the same without you.

It's been a busy week since coming back from DC. The house guest on top of the school work means that I'm working non-stop. I don't have you to slow me down with our Sunday evening ritual. No Glenlivit, no pasta dinner, and no loving before the movie. I just watched my favorite clip from the movie Patrik 1,5 where the guy comes back to his husband after they had split. The kiss and total collapse embrace is my favorite scene in all gay films right now. It seems so authentic and the guy who gets his husband back is so totally overwhelmed. I can't remember -- did you see this? I don't it was out before you died.

You would have loved it. We could have cried big sloppy tears together -- now I just get to do them alone.

I think of you kissing the inside of my ear and my squeeling and rocking back and forth on your lap and both of use laughing like crazy.

I miss you so much.................ILY
 
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