partnered and I still can't get laid!!!!

[GL]

well i'm glad to hear abe's side of the story. not that i doubted dirk's but its like the old saying goes, "it takes two to tango."

it seems to me that there is love between you both and a willingness to try therapy. i think it would be wise to make those changes that will allow for money in the bank and therapy to begin. i really hope that the two of you can work this one out.

 

[G-Lexington]

Nice to hear from the other side.

And yes, abe, most anti-depressants do kill the sex drive something fierce. I'm fortunate enough to be on one of the few that doesn't, but if (as you said) you've been struggling with depression for years, then you're probably on something stronger than that - and for good reason. Good to know that that's being handled.

Honestly, it does look like you two could benefit immensely from couples therapy. Even though money's tight, it seems like it'd be money well spent. Do see if you can somehow budget that in. You look like you both have the will. Hopefully, you can both find the means.

Lex

 

[Ethanjames2]

I can relate to your boyfriend. I also think anal and oral are both kinda gross. I do like the cuddling, kissing, and jacking off parts of sex. I also think of kissing someone who smokes is really gross, so you could stop that.

You may want to try an open relationship. I was in a similar situation and an open relationship did NOT work. He was the one that wanted sex but was upset that I did not get jealous if he did it with someone else. I was actually releaved. however he was insanely jealous if I played with some else.

I finally had enough and ended it. He know has a boyfriend that keeps him happy in bed, we remained friends, and I am very happyly single!

 

[Telstra]

yes we sleep together, and NO that's not even an option, isn't that a form of rape?

no not rape because u sleep together

 

[G-Lexington]

Rape is non-consensual sex. No matter what the sleeping arrangement.

Lex

 

[jockboy01]

As for anti depressents, yes, most do have decreased libido as a side effect. Wellbutrin is the best for not having this side effect. Ironically, depression itself can lower libido as well.

 

[rareboy]

Wow.

It is amazing seeing a relationship crash and burn on a bulletin board.

Duroc. If I were your guy and read what you'd put out there, that would be it for me.

And any desire I ever had would be gone for good.

I think it is time for the two of you to say goodbye and go your separate ways.

For both your sakes.

 

[french]

Wow.

It is amazing seeing a relationship crash and burn on a bulletin board.

Duroc. If I were your guy and read what you'd put out there, that would be it for me.

And any desire I ever had would be gone for good.

I think it is time for the two of you to say goodbye and go your separate ways.

For both your sakes.

You do not know them! All you know, is maybe what they say in a few posts. But are you with them for the hours they spend each day together? No!

Please, cut the bull shit. We can not make such assumptions about a member who we may know, but not very well. Are you next to him 12 hours a day while he is with his BF?

More needs to be said from these two members(duroc and abe) before anyone can derive such conclusion. And much more needs to be said. Not just a thread worth.

 

[duroc5088]

Wow.

It is amazing seeing a relationship crash and burn on a bulletin board.

Duroc. If I were your guy and read what you'd put out there, that would be it for me.

And any desire I ever had would be gone for good.

I think it is time for the two of you to say goodbye and go your separate ways.

For both your sakes.

wow. How original. lol here let me try.

Did you even read all of my comments?

well that's why you're not my guy. And i feel sorry for your guy if he has to walk on egg shells and can't say what he really feels about your relationship. IMO.

and as for saying good bye? well that's not going to happen for a long long time. He knows i'm in this for the long haul and I'll tell all of you the same thing i've told him a thousand times, he's going to have to get rid of me, because i'm not going anywhere.


and just for a little up date. We HAVE decided to go ahead and pursue couples therapy and see if we can get some of the small issues we have resolved. We spent most of the weekend talking about where we are and where as individuals we want to be in the future. And ironically enough, neither one of us could bare the thought of being without the other.

My issues:

I'm not good at talking about my feelings. When i'm confronted with how i feel i tend to not want to talk (clam up) and if the issue if pushed, i'll often use anger to cover up how i feel. Or i'll simply get on my bike and for a ride till i get my wits about me.

I like to spend money. Maybe a little too much. The reason why? well I make a lot of money. And I tend to buy stuff that i think will impress people. No i'm not talking about my clothes and what have you. I'm talking about motorcycles and cars and TVs and stuff like that.

I also drink too much. Or so i'm told. I'm a weekend drinker for the most part. But maybe once every two or three weeks, i'll buy a 6er and drink it in an evening after work. I like beer, it tastes good to me. What can i say.

I'm a nymphomaniac. I love sex. It's constantly on my mind. And it does irritate me when i'm not getting any. is it a deal breaker? nah. Not at all. Trust me in our relationship we've been through a lot worse things than having a bad sex life. And we got through them all just fine and came out on the other side knowing more about ourselves and each other.

so as for posting it on here for all to view. Yeah maybe not the best choice in the world. But I've got several good friends that i keep in touch with on jub. so I figured i'd see if anyone had any advice for me.



Thanks again,

Dirk

 

[JR]

I'm not sure that anything is crashing and burning here. I see two people in love who have a minor medical issue.

Anxiety is a bitch. I've had it on and off for decades. But it is completely under control. You create unrealistic fears for yourself, limit your exposure to the outside would and limit your exposure to any potential failure. Then you go on medication to limit your unrealistic fears, and the medication itself creates performance issues and more anxiety.

The medications slow your chemical response to outside stimuli, including sexual stimulus. That combination, with someone pawing at you for attention, becomes equally painful and frustrating for both partners. The aggressive partner needs to understand that the sexual aggression can launch a pattern of anxiety that makes pleasurable sex an unrealistic goal.

The medicated partner needs to reassure himself that his system is wired to work perfectly...just a little slower to activate the launch sequence. And you both need to recognize that after a few years on the medication that hormone production is slowed, so hormone replacement therapy may well be in order. It may give you more energy and an increased sex drive.

So hold on to your love and work on it for each other. You both sound like great guys!

 

[954dude]

Awww. I wish you the best. You obviously love him, but I guess there needs to be a long talk. Some negotiating, some compromising might occur, but it wouldn't hurt to talk.

 

[alley]

I wish you and your bf the best ---really hope the therapy is helpful.

 

[ronboy]

I'm not sure that anything is crashing and burning here. I see two people in love who have a minor medical issue.

Anxiety is a bitch. I've had it on and off for decades. But it is completely under control. You create unrealistic fears for yourself, limit your exposure to the outside would and limit your exposure to any potential failure. Then you go on medication to limit your unrealistic fears, and the medication itself creates performance issues and more anxiety.

The medications slow your chemical response to outside stimuli, including sexual stimulus. That combination, with someone pawing at you for attention, becomes equally painful and frustrating for both partners. The aggressive partner needs to understand that the sexual aggression can launch a pattern of anxiety that makes pleasurable sex an unrealistic goal.

The medicated partner needs to reassure himself that his system is wired to work perfectly...just a little slower to activate the launch sequence. And you both need to recognize that after a few years on the medication that hormone production is slowed, so hormone replacement therapy may well be in order. It may give you more energy and an increased sex drive.

So hold on to your love and work on it for each other. You both sound like great guys!

Dirk and Abe,
I've been holding out about checking in on this thread, because my LTR with Dave crashed and burned last year. But I think what my brother mod, JR, has said makes a lot of sense. You both obviously love each other, (and that means EVERYTHING!). It's not an impossible situation. Your love and dedication for each other will triumph. I'll be the first to admit that I love the physical contact of a relationship, but it's only a part of what makes you both a couple. Take it slowly, and be patient with each other. Life is great when you are in love, on the same page, and working for the common goal (a long term relationship). A big to both of you from me...

 

[jamie_01930]

partnered and I still can't get laid!!!!



for a minute , I thought I started that thread.

 

[rareboy]

rareboy...

C'mon...was that really necessary? You are so mean sometimes.

That's a new low- even for you.

Oh c'mon indeed. Go back and just read my post again.

There isn't one thing in it that I don't stand by. I said that if it were me being pilloried in public, I'd lose whatever shred of desire was left for the person who put it out there. That is the truth.

Everytime I looked in his eyes or thought of fucking, this thread is all I'd remember and boy, it is a dick shrinker, drunk posting or not.

My opinion is that any two guys with these many unresolved problems after two years might as well cut their losses. It isn't as though they have to agree and immediately start dividing up their mongrammed finger tip towels.

It reminds me of a couple whaling on one another in public in their trailer park and then turning on the cops when they turn up, the battered spouse screaming about what a good person the other one is and how dare anyone stop the brawl.

This wasn't posted in the Relationships forum, I notice.

It was posted in Hot Topics.

I can guarantee, after 25 years with the same guy, that two partners slagging one another on a bulletin board is not the way to sustain a long term relationship. I can also guarantee that almost every relationship that fails is due to problems with money, drinking and one oversexed partner.

As far as I see, even couple's therapy can't save this mess.

Prove me wrong.

 

[duroc5088]

Oh c'mon indeed. Go back and just read my post again.

There isn't one thing in it that I don't stand by. I said that if it were me being pilloried in public, I'd lose whatever shred of desire was left for the person who put it out there. That is the truth.

Everytime I looked in his eyes or thought of fucking, this thread is all I'd remember and boy, it is a dick shrinker, drunk posting or not.

My opinion is that any two guys with these many unresolved problems after two years might as well cut their losses. It isn't as though they have to agree and immediately start dividing up their mongrammed finger tip towels.

It reminds me of a couple whaling on one another in public in their trailer park and then turning on the cops when they turn up, the battered spouse screaming about what a good person the other one is and how dare anyone stop the brawl.

This wasn't posted in the Relationships forum, I notice.

It was posted in Hot Topics.

I can guarantee, after 25 years with the same guy, that two partners slagging one another on a bulletin board is not the way to sustain a long term relationship. I can also guarantee that almost every relationship that fails is due to problems with money, drinking and one oversexed partner.

As far as I see, even couple's therapy can't save this mess.

Prove me wrong.

wow, aren't we quite the shrink. Well we don't have money problems, he quit his job for personal reasons about five months ago and we got ourselves in a bind because what i make is not enough to support our household for the three months that he was trying to find another job, non of our bills are going unpaid, it just took us a while to get back on our feet after he started his new job two months ago,

I don't drink anymore unless he is drinking with me. So that explains that.

and as far as being oversexed, well i'm 24 and yes i have a very high libido, but we've been dealing with that for two years now, So i don't see any reason for that to end our relationship.

Rare boy, why don't you try pming Abe and I and getting to know us and our lifestyles before you start making assumptions about who we are as people. Thanks and have a good day.

Dirk

 

[Alpha1851]

^Well, of course we're going to make assumptions, speculate, and offer up advice. Isn't that what you were looking for? You do have a very detailed blog by the way so it's not as though he's pulling the information out of thin air. You just don't like Rareboy's answer. I happen to agree that love doesn't conquer all. There's nothing wrong w/ wanting to get laid by the way and there's also nothing wrong w/ needing to vent from time to time. I wouldn't classify you as a nympho. In my opinion, it's my fellas job to fuck me. Respect plus friendship plus loyalty equals a great friend. Respect plus friendship plus loyalty plus sex equals a relationship. In my world anyway. And do note that I used "my" and "me" a lot in the above sentences. I'm by no means trying to psycho analyze you or yours.

I do thank you for creating this thread as I've learned a great deal about myself and what I expect to get out of a relationship. There are some things that I'm not willing to compromise on so, I have always looked for fellas who share my same religious beliefs, political ideology, spending (or rather saving) habits, and career goals. Now I know to add sex drive to the list.

 

[Dduder]

So me and the boy have been together for two years now and for about the last year and a half it's been a struggle to get him to have sex with me. Now i'll be the first to admit, I have an unusually high sex drive, and his is unusually low. Which is a constant struggle. It's not a matter of love, we both love each other with our whole hearts.

Now let's talk about what sex is to me. To me, sex is an expression of your feelings and love for another person. It also let's the other person know that they are physically attractive to you. Which in my case is never a problem, my man's fuckin' HOTTTT, and i tell him all the time that i love the way he looks. But he doesn't often return the favor. To get an I Love You out of him I have to say it first. And even when i do get sex it's usually because i've been begging for it.

We have talked and talked and even though i understand his side of things, "i'm just not a sexual person", for some reason he always just brushes off what i say as being horny, and puts a guilt trip on me for making sex such a chore.

Now let's talk about that last sentence. Sex being a chore? For me sex is a pleasure, i love the body contact, i love being touched and i love being kissed, but in all fairness, I do have incredible stamina and it can take me a while to get off. For him........ well not so much. For starters, he doesn't like to give or receive blow jobs, I can't touch his dick until he is warmed up and even then he'll still slap my hand away, and i can't touch his nipples until he is just about to cum, I smoke so making out is out of the question, and don't even think about dry humping, and as for anal, well "the thought of it is just gross". so what are we left to do you might ask, well hand jobs. That's about as much action as we see anymore.

About 3 months ago we were down to having sex about once every 2 or 3 weeks. we talked about it and we came to a solution, scheduled sex nights twice a week. Worked great for a while, though most of those nights we just did hand jobs, but hey, i can deal with that. Then just this past weekend I bring up the fact that we had missed our last to sex nights which meant it had been a week. No big deal, it was a joke anyways. And he got all pissed and started accusing me of just thinking of him as a dick, and all this other shit. Well now it's been two weeks since our last J/O session and about 4 months since we've had anal sex. And i'm spent. I'm tired of worrying about it, i'm tired of wondering if maybe he doesn't find me attractive anymore, and i'm tired of having to beg for sex. Luckily for him i would never think of leaving him, and i would never consider cheating on him either. And what's even better is that my pregnant sister is moving in with us for a while till she can get on her feet, so i know the sex is going to deffinately be put on the back burner. I mean FUCK!!! it's so frustrating when all i really want is for someone to show me how much they love me.

so now i'm sitting here about to cry.......again!!! because i haven't so much as gotten a hug today.

so all you guys out there that feel sorry for yourselves, because you are single and can't get laid, well it could be worse, you could live with someone and still not get laid.

rant over
Dirk

Seems like you should start dating palmella, chief.

Now seriously, I suspect that he doesen't love you very much. Why? Because people cherish making love to their loved one, and even if they don't, they still do it anyway because they enjoy making their loved one happy. So in either case your boy doesen't love you or he does love you but is an unusually selfish asshole.

 

[luminum]

Hi Dirk and Abe,

It's good to see you both again. It also seems like you guys are at least communicating about your issues, since Abe found this thread and posted in it, too.

You can't make Abe have a higher libido nor could Abe ever try to stem your larger sexual appetite. Abe also mentioned some things that are going on in your larger relationship that could easily result in friction when it comes to sexual needs. I think it's important to work on those issues first as they signify the importance of stabilizing the relationship, which you both seem to care about a lot.

Certainly the honeymoon is over, and it's a natural thing for couples to go through, so if there's friction or a decline in euphoria, I think it then becomes all about exploring one another on a more day-to-day level. Expenses are tight, which is another issue, but it's up to both of you to decide whether or not you want work through that issue and the others. If you can't seem to do it well alone, then perhaps some couples counseling will help you two figure out what you both need.

Now why the hell has this not been moved to the Relationships board?

 

[cocktales]

You guys sound perfect for each other, 'cept for the sex thing.......

Now, it's very unusual for two people to "hang them selves out" for everyone to chime in on their problems and for you two to do that is totally awesome and positive that you BOTH want to salvage this LOVE!

SO, what you MUST do till you can afford to get counseling, you MUST allow "some" time for sex, .........even if it's just for one or the other to get off; but NOT you!

I think it's a great compromise when anyone of you will take it upon yourself to allow yourself to be present when your partner is simply jacking off; but you're there holding him, kissing him and letting him know that you DO love him....

ALL Of us in LTRs have at one time or another found "low-libido" times, when sex is often just NOT there, but you MUST consider the other half of you.....the one you love and want to live the rest of your life with....

SO, "please" DO anything that will allow the one who wants sex to have it "while-you-are-present" and you'll find that both of you will feel better!

Good luck and don't give up!