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questions about open realtionships

Hey. I've never played together with my boyfriend because he's not into it. I wouldn't be opposed though. I think it would be really fun to fuck a guy while he sucks my boyfriends dick. But for some reason my bf is not into - I guess he isn't comfortable with the idea of "bringing" someone else near our relationship. The act of hooking up for us is a bit lucrative.

The longest I've had a jealousy streak last is 3 weeks, but as I told you in the PM, it was for good reason. I think jealousy can last as long as you know something is off, or as long as your partner fails to reassure you that there's nothing to worry about. Unless you're being irrationally jealous for a long time, which is going to really hurt the relationship, if you continue to be jealous after you've been reassured, I mean.
 
I have a few more suggestions. As this subject has been on my mind all day and working by myself I tend to overthink things.

1- Try to work out the issues together before using the opening to resolve them. It should be done as something you want to do not as a crutch to solve pre-existing problems. It's not a band-aid.

2- Make sure you are BOTH in agreement on it together. If one pressures the other into it, the one being pressured has just been given the opportunity to find someone new that won't pressure them into things they really don't want to do.

3- Make sure you have absolutely NO jealousy... Jealousy is a sign of insecurity and lack of faith and trust in your partner and his decisions. If you have any of that then an open relationship is not right for you at all.

4- Ask plenty of others (I suggest Nineofclubs, TXbeau, and Quanchi on here as they have answered a lot of my questions regarding the subject and seem the most knowledgable and stable) which rules they apply to make their relationship work and then make out a list and go over it together and pick which ones would be beneficial to both of you and STICK TO THEM. If you bend one rule the others are sure to follow if pretty soon you have no rules and the most important (Your partner comes first) will eventually be broken.

5- Always use protection... For every encounter...even oral... there are plenty of STD's that are transmittable through oral and you don't want to bring back something to your partner.
 
theFallenGod said:
I have a few more suggestions. As this subject has been on my mind all day and working by myself I tend to overthink things.

1- Try to work out the issues together before using the opening to resolve them. It should be done as something you want to do not as a crutch to solve pre-existing problems. It's not a band-aid.


3- Make sure you have absolutely NO jealousy... Jealousy is a sign of insecurity and lack of faith and trust in your partner and his decisions. If you have any of that then an open relationship is not right for you at all.
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Where did he ever say they have pre-existing relationship issues? I agree that opening up shouldn't be used as a crutch to aid a fumbling monogamous relationship, but he made no indication that they were having any kind of relationship/emotional issues. That's very presumptuous of you (...as usual.)

And again, jealousy is not something you can control, it's not something you can predict - it's an emotion, like ANGER, you cannot control it. Sometimes things can prompt people to make them feel think they should feel jealous. I agree that if you TEND to be jealous most of the time, then you shouldn't be open, but to say you can't "ever" be jealous is ridiculous. There's plenty of information out there on how to manage jealousy if it does come up. #-o
 
saymyname said:
Where did he ever say they have pre-existing relationship issues? I agree that opening up shouldn't be used as a crutch to aid a fumbling monogamous relationship, but he made no indication that they were having any kind of relationship/emotional issues. That's very presumptuous of you (...as usual.)
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Learn to read before you start the name calling... and check posts #5 and #9
 
theFallenGod said:
Learn to read before you start the name calling... and check posts #5 and #9
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Those are sexual issues. Those aren't really issues that can be "resolved" - they're both tops, not at the same level of horniness, etc. You make it sound like they have emotional issues that are affecting their relationship. It's a sexual issue and he's searching for a sexual solution. I wasn't calling you names, I just find it annoying when people who know nothing about poly and probably have no experience with it go ahead and run their mouths anyways.
 
saymyname said:
Those are sexual issues. Those aren't really issues that can be "resolved" - they're both tops, not at the same level of horniness, etc. You make it sound like they have emotional issues that are affecting their relationship. It's a sexual issue and he's searching for a sexual solution. I wasn't calling you names, I just find it annoying when people who know nothing about poly and probably have no experience with it go ahead and run their mouths anyways.
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It is possible to resolve sexual tensions by discussing them it doesn't HAVE to lead to opening the relationship ...




edit: I won't get into an argument with you ... I came here to help the OP out not argue with someone who is obviously trying to bait me.
 
Well, we have been talking about it today. we are not sure if we are going to open the relationship or not. It is going to take some time to figure out what is the best route for us. Thank you all very much for your opinions and advise, I would have never known how to figure all of this out without you. I will keep you posted on the outcome regardless of what it is.
 
Good luck in whatever route it takes you Jason... we're all rooting for the best possible outcome.
 
Tough topic. It seems to me that if there are things he likes to do but you don't and viceversa, you guys are not compatible sexually. Maybe you two are better off as friends but not as boyfriends. My current bf was on an open relationship and that is how he ended up with me.
 
Well. We have decided to go for it on a trial basis. We have set up rules and talked about the moral and emotional implications of it all. In the end we decided that this was worth a try. we have decided on a one month trial period, with the option to cancel before hand if either one of us decides that we are uncomfortable with it. So we'll see how it goes.
 
is there a money back guarantee? Do you get to keep the free lotion and handbag combo that was yours as a free gift for just joining?

I Kid of course.

Glad to see that you are handling this in a mature fashion and I hope that things are only upwards from here on with you guys.
 
I wouldn't do it. Anytime you bring someone else into your relationship, it will hurt the relationship. People aren't a contract that you sign for a year and then change and get over with. You just have to TALK about whatever it is you're going through, and if the solution is to see other people, maybe you should just break up instead of having a relationship with other partners.
 
I did kind of make it sound like it was some kind of bank agreement didn't I. That's not how i wanted that to come out. But anyway, I do think this is the solution for us. I am 100% positive that there is nothing that will tear us apart, so that's not even a fear of mine. He is the love of my life, so i don't think that experimenting will hurt us at all. Our only issues are sexual ones. And we have worked on them in the past, this is not a new issues for us. If this doesn't work then we move on to the next option. To be frank if I end up having to be celibate to have him than that's what will happen (of course that is a last resort though, i kind of really like sex)
 
NineOfClubs said:
Jason0980, it's absolutely great seeing you back on JUB!

I was going to avoid posting here because these threads devolve into a lot of mudslinging, usually.

But I had to come here to say saymyname gave a great overview and response.

I'll share my observations of the 10 years, and counting, that I've been in an open relationship with you later via PM.
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can I get a forward of that pm? (!)
 
JASON0980 said:
Well. We have decided to go for it on a trial basis. We have set up rules and talked about the moral and emotional implications of it all. In the end we decided that this was worth a try. we have decided on a one month trial period, with the option to cancel before hand if either one of us decides that we are uncomfortable with it. So we'll see how it goes.
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That sounds like a good plan. What rules have you two decided on?

One thing to watch out for - if one person is hooking up more than the other, the other partner may feel inadequate and want to call it off because he's not having any fun. It's really important that both partners are having their fun and feeling sexy on the side (if they want it), and not just one.
 
Say Goodbye to your relationship Jason, tell us all later that this is the way it was meant to be and it's all good and you guys just drifted apart. It's better than cheating on him I suppose.
 
Richardodessa said:
Say Goodbye to your relationship Jason, tell us all later that this is the way it was meant to be and it's all good and you guys just drifted apart. It's better than cheating on him I suppose.
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Wow, did you even read the thread? Just because an open relationship isn't for you doesn't mean it can't work for others. It amazes me how gay people can be such close minded bigots.
 
Always been in an open relationship, and we've been together ten years. Never a question of whether or not, it's simply been that way from the beginning. We were too young when we got together (in college) to not want to continue to have a variety of sexual experiences. There are simply too many hot guys out there, too many opportunities for hot sex for us to turn down. Funny thing is, my partner gets off on hearing about my sexual adventures, wants me to talk about them, whereas I couldn't care less about his. I don't feel at all threatened when he's with another guy. I know he's not going to find a better-looking more intelligent and compatible guy. Besides we have incredible sexual chemistry, and I know we connect in so many other ways as well that a great fuck with another man isn't going to take away from what we have, and he feels the same about me. We've had some three- and four-ways, and they've been hot. I'm pretty exhibitionistic and he has a voyeur streak so it works well for us. Maybe the hottest sex we've ever had was a three-way. Hottest, not most satisfying or loving or deep, but simply hottest. Bottom line: we both know that we could never have been together this long or this happily if our relationship had been an exclusive one.
 
LatimerRd said:
Always been in an open relationship, and we've been together ten years. Never a question of whether or not, it's simply been that way from the beginning. We were too young when we got together (in college) to not want to continue to have a variety of sexual experiences. There are simply too many hot guys out there, too many opportunities for hot sex for us to turn down. Funny thing is, my partner gets off on hearing about my sexual adventures, wants me to talk about them, whereas I couldn't care less about his. I don't feel at all threatened when he's with another guy. I know he's not going to find a better-looking more intelligent and compatible guy. Besides we have incredible sexual chemistry, and I know we connect in so many other ways as well that a great fuck with another man isn't going to take away from what we have, and he feels the same about me. We've had some three- and four-ways, and they've been hot. I'm pretty exhibitionistic and he has a voyeur streak so it works well for us. Maybe the hottest sex we've ever had was a three-way. Hottest, not most satisfying or loving or deep, but simply hottest. Bottom line: we both know that we could never have been together this long or this happily if our relationship had been an exclusive one.
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Do you guys have any rules? Are you allowed to sleep with the same guy more than once, as in, have fuck buddies, or NSA/one time only?
 
It didn't work for me at all.

I only agreed to it because my first long term relationship was unfortunately with a guy unable to be monogamous. He cottaged all the time and I thought that if he agreed to an open relationship that would stop and we could have fun together.

We did have fun together, but the solo fun he was having and not telling me about continued, even expanded. I mean he had carte blanche now so why not?

There are so many other ways to make your sex life more exciting without living breathing third parties, or secretive solo encounters.
 
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