questions about open realtionships

[Latimer]

Do you guys have any rules? Are you allowed to sleep with the same guy more than once, as in, have fuck buddies, or NSA/one time only?

We don't have set rules, but we know not to let it get out of hand. I guess you can say we've been disciplined about it, and try to remember the difference between infatuation and love. I once had an outside relationship that went on for about a year---we'd get together once every few weeks--but generally the sex only happens four or five times at most, generally less. I'm always straightforward about being in a relationship. It's never been a deal breaker.

I would add (belatedly! though I deal with it in other posts), that at the time I met my partner I was also escorting on the side. Fortunately that fact turned him on (so not a deal breaker) and consequently there was never an assumption of fidelity on the part of either of us.

But, the truth be told, we're now so busy with our careers, families, friends and each other that over the last year we've each of us has probably only stepped out three or four times.

 

[Richardodessa]

Yes I read the thread very carefully, and since when is my opinion not of value "saythyname"?

 

[BeMused]

In my humble opinion, they don't work in the long term. Ultimately you have to commit or it falls apart. If you're fine with that then go for it, but don't expect it to sustain itself in that form.

 

[theFallenGod]

Yes I read the thread very carefully, and since when is my opinion not of value "saythyname"?

Your opinion doesn't matter ... 22 year old Saymyname read a book, that makes him the premier authority on relationships... especially open ones... and anyone who disagrees with his vast superior knowledge is automatically labeled as close-minded and has no idea what they are talking about.

He's so knowledgeable that hes come on here to ask us how to strong-arm his bf to open it up... how to get people to stop hitting on his now somewhat available man and essentially how to control more of his bf's actions.


While I tend to agree with you that opening a relationship does tend to fall apart on most people I will however say that with some people the arrangement actually works and we have a few people on here that can attest to that and have pretty solid relationships. Some people can do it ... most people can't.


Ultimately this decision is between Jason and his bf and only they can do what they feel is right for their relationship. I personally think they have made quite a knowledgeable decision and approached it with maturity and intelligence and no matter what I wish them the best of luck. They both may love it and continue. They both may hate it and stop. They both may find someone else. But in the end they will have learned something about themselves and each other and that is how a relationship grows and blossoms.

 

[saymyname]

Yes I read the thread very carefully, and since when is my opinion not of value "saythyname"?

Apparently you didn't read the thread "very carefully" let alone the FIRST POST because, had you done so, you would have seen that the question was directed towards people who have had or are IN open relationships themselves - he was NOT asking for your approval, permission or worthless opinion on non-monogamy. He was asking for first hand advice from people with experience, not people who know NOTHING about the subject and yet come on here and moralize anyways.

 

[saymyname]

Your opinion doesn't matter ... 22 year old Saymyname read a book, that makes him the premier authority on relationships... especially open ones... and anyone who disagrees with his vast superior knowledge is automatically labeled as close-minded and has no idea what they are talking about.

No, it's just that a lot of closeminded people who have no idea what non-monogamy or polyamory are even about come on here and have to voice their totally clueless opinions... because they can't keep it to themselves. I just don't understand why people who have not even HAD an open relationship come on here and say it won't work.

He's so knowledgeable that hes come on here to ask us how to strong-arm his bf to open it up... how to get people to stop hitting on his now somewhat available man and essentially how to control more of his bf's actions.

Wow, way to make personal attacks that aren't even accurate. In that thread I never asked how to "strong-arm my bf to open up", as you so positively put it, like I mentioned earlier in this thread he always knew I was non-monogamous so it was about how to shift, and now it's fine. The other thread was about guys who DON'T KNOW we're non-monogamous hitting on people anyways - that was a thread about decency, not my personal relationship. You sound like a fucking troll. Why don't you insist on judging people? If you don't think open relationships work, why did you have to stick your nose in this thread, like you do about ALL THREADS about non-monogamy?

 

[saymyname]

To the OP please ignore the monogamy trolls. They are just insecure and sheltered. It sounds like your relationship will be fine.

 

[theFallenGod]

No, it's just that a lot of closeminded people who have no idea what non-monogamy or polyamory are even about come on here and have to voice their totally clueless opinions... because they can't keep it to themselves. I just don't understand why people who have not even HAD an open relationship come on here and say it won't work.1



Wow, way to make personal attacks that aren't even accurate. In that thread I never asked how to "strong-arm my bf to open up", as you so positively put it, like I mentioned earlier in this thread he always knew I was non-monogamous so it was about how to shift,2 and now it's fine. The other thread was about guys who DON'T KNOW we're non-monogamous hitting on people anyways - that was a thread about decency, not my personal relationship2. You sound like a fucking troll.4 Why don't you insist on judging people? If you don't think open relationships work, why did you have to stick your nose in this thread, like you do about ALL THREADS about non-monogamy?3 &5

1) Once again you are speaking out of your ass... I HAVE had an open relationship so I know it didn't work for me.... and since you didn't read anymore of what I wrote then let me reiterate... I wished them the best of luck and hope that it works for him. But Since your such an expert I wonder if you have even had a monogamous relationship to compare it to? Probably not.

2 ) You were asking for a way to strong arm him because he might have known you wanted it but he didn't want it and he told you as much and any advice that was given not to push him you ignored in that thread and focused only on the answers you wanted to hear. The first person that agreed with your POV you ran with. All the while EVERYONE else was advising you against it. Also to be jealous of other men hitting on your bf whether open or not shows you lack maturity and trust in your bf which shows you probably shouldn't be in a relationship open or not. My bf and I get hit on all the time but we trust each other and know that there is no threat to our relationship from anyone.

3) Jason has been around a lot longer than you have and I have a lot more respect for him than I do you... I came in here to offer advice and while I did state that they didn't work for ME I gave him advice on how they could work for others... I didn't pass judgment on him at all.

4) You tell people to read the whole thread before commenting when you can't even comprehend what others are writing. You barely read anything anyone else has said which is evident throughout this entire thread focusing only on the things that you don't like and disregarding anything else and then basing your own mindless opinions and BS. I know you live in Montreal and maybe there's a language barrier.. and if so I will excuse it... but if not don't go throwing stones when you live in a very shiny glass house.

5) This is an open forum... everyone is entitled to their opinion.. that means that even people who disagree with your very narrow, limited, and highly uneducated opinions are entitled to post their own as well without you trying to make them seem like the close-minded ones to draw away from your own close-mindedness.

 

[saymyname]

1) Once again you are speaking out of your ass... I HAVE had an open relationship so I know it didn't work for me.... and since you didn't read anymore of what I wrote then let me reiterate... I wished them the best of luck and hope that it works for him. But Since your such an expert I wonder if you have even had a monogamous relationship to compare it to? Probably not.

I wasn't referring to YOU in that paragraph, I was referring to the other people who, without any ground to stand on, come on here and spout off a bunch of bullshit about non-monogamy when they have not the slightest clue what they're even talking about. And yes, I have had a monogamous relationship, and thanks again for proving to me once again how you love to jump to conclusions. And by the way, before you go and accuse ME of having a language barrier (I'm actually an American living in Montreal so English is my first language), maybe you should learn the difference between "your" and "you're." Just a sidenote.

2 ) You were asking for a way to strong arm him because he might have known you wanted it but he didn't want it and he told you as much and any advice that was given not to push him you ignored in that thread and focused only on the answers you wanted to hear. The first person that agreed with your POV you ran with. All the while EVERYONE else was advising you against it. Also to be jealous of other men hitting on your bf whether open or not shows you lack maturity and trust in your bf which shows you probably shouldn't be in a relationship open or not. My bf and I get hit on all the time but we trust each other and know that there is no threat to our relationship from anyone.

In regards to that thread, what the fuck? I was not asking people for a "way to strong arm him." Like I came on this forum and said to people, "hey, how can I force my bf to be open?" Right. I was asking for tips on how to transition - KIND OF LIKE THIS GUY IS. It doesn't help when a bunch of monogamy nazis come on and say it won't work for absolutely NO REASON. Maybe you should realize that people who aren't monogamous are marginalized in the same way the gay people in general are, so when people come on here and spout off hurtful and ignorant bullshit like that, it's fucking offensive and it's OPPRESSIVE because they are reinforcing the idea that monogamy is the only way to go and they are ignoring the realities of MANY people. As for the second thread, I never stated I was "jealous" of other men for hitting on my boyfriend. That doesn't even LOGICALLY MAKE ANY SENSE. Why would I be jealous of someone for hitting on someone I don't even have to hit on because I already am with him? Seriously, do you read what you write? That thread was about how gay men, regardless of if they know if a man is single or not, if they're under the impression that he is not single and as far as they know he's taken and not available at all, they still proceed to hit on said man. It's trashy and annoying and pretty much has nothing to do with my relationship. It was not about feeling a "threat" from other people to our relationship, or jealousy, it was about WHY someone would hit on someone who, as far as they know, is not available.

3) Jason has been around a lot longer than you have and I have a lot more respect for him than I do you... I came in here to offer advice and while I did state that they didn't work for ME I gave him advice on how they could work for others... I didn't pass judgment on him at all.

Again, I was not referring directly to you, but rather the other people who clicked on the thread, wrote something stupid, and then left. I realize that you wished him the best. That's fine. I also realize that you have more respect for him that you do for me because you pick a fight with me every chance you get, and while everyone else was complimenting me on my original response, you avoided giving any credit... dun dun dun... because you know nothing about the issue and can't even tell when someone knows what he's talking about. Maybe that's why your open relationship didn't work?

4) You tell people to read the whole thread before commenting when you can't even comprehend what others are writing. You barely read anything anyone else has said which is evident throughout this entire thread focusing only on the things that you don't like and disregarding anything else and then basing your own mindless opinions and BS. I know you live in Montreal and maybe there's a language barrier.. and if so I will excuse it... but if not don't go throwing stones when you live in a very shiny glass house.

Yeah, my opinions are mindless and bullshit - that's why all the people in open relationships that came into this thread have told me how comprehensive my response was. Right. The only time I advocate that someone disregards what someone else has said is if they come on to the subject saying "it won't work, it won't work" when they don't really know anything about said subject.

5) This is an open forum... everyone is entitled to their opinion.. that means that even people who disagree with your very narrow, limited, and highly uneducated opinions are entitled to post their own as well without you trying to make them seem like the close-minded ones to draw away from your own close-mindedness.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, yes, how very elementary and correct if you to point that out. I'm also entitled to reply to their opinion and point out how they don't really have any idea what they're talking about or any experience with the matter. If this was a thread about S/M and people were coming on here saying "YOU'RE GOING TO GET HURT, YOU WON'T LIKE IT, I DON'T LIKE IT," I think it would be fair for someone more knowledgeable about that particular subject to set the record straight. And the first post in the thread WAS directed at people who have had or are IN open relationships and he was looking for CONSTRUCTIVE advice. Having your "opinion" is one thing - he wasn't ASKING for people's moral opinions and henceforth objections to open relationships - he was asking for advice from people with experience on the subject. Don't fall back on opinions to hide how totally inappropriate and unnecessary some people's participation in this thread has been.