Saying No to Dating a Bi Guy ?

[altlover85]

Once again with the sleeping with women thing? If you are in a position to think about someone elses sexual history and you concern your self with where he's been and not with how you're gonna be better than you've already lost him. Bussy don't fail me now... So he don't want nobody else but me and only me.

Yes, once again with the sleeping with women thing. It's my preference to not have to deal with guys that have slept with women. It's not hot to me.

Nevermind all of these different variations on bi and I don't think it's that hard to understand why I'm not generally into bi guys and why some others are not as well.

 

[asu1117]

My, my, you're an angry little thing, aren't you?

Seriously, though, Naughty: I believe you're a young man with his heart rooted in idealism.

The truth is that everybody, to some extent, harbors some fear of rejection, some fear of abandonment, and the longest-lasting relationships are between two partners who're equals.

That's why we have Psychologists.

We all have our own issues, yes, but these issues can be worked through. And not everyone is so terrified that they will get abandoned that we hide from things like you are suggesting we should. A lot of people are willing to take the risk, that is taken in ANY relationship, of getting hurt so that they can be in love.

It feels like all the descriptions of relationships in this thread have become horribly sterile. On paper, some of this explanations may work well, but in reality you sometimes have to take risks and everything doesn't fit into easy little boxes for you to accept or discard.

 

[asu1117]

Yes, once again with the sleeping with women thing. It's my preference to not have to deal with guys that have slept with women. It's not hot to me.

Nevermind all of these different variations on bi and I don't think it's that hard to understand why I'm not generally into bi guys and why some others are not as well.

A great deal of gay men have slept with a woman at some point or another. According to your statement, I assume you don't date them either? On every first date do you ask a man if he's ever slept with a woman? Wow.

 

[blackbeltninja]

I think you know what he meant. If the guy had been with a woman recently (within 3 months) he wouldn't date the guy. It's a pretty easy question for someone to answer with a yes or a no.

No, I honestly want to know if he seriously enforces these ridiculous timeframes. I mean, no point in having them if you don't... but on a scale of 1 to 10, exactly how petty is it? What is the difference between a day or a week, or 2 months and 15 days vs 3 months? In the grand scheme of things when dealing with someone who might actually just turn out to be The One and your soulmate, how important is this to this guy, in all seriousness?

And I'm really just trying to see how close to the bottom of the barrel we all are here.

If the guy is going to claim the moral high ground we should at least expect a coherent defence of it.

-d-

 

[blackbeltninja]

Yet you can't take your own situation and apply that to preconceived notions about bisexuals. And the very suggestion that you should is met with accusations of "idealism"?

Get a clue. You're bigoted and you're a hypocrite and you have the nerve to be condescending while accomplishing both. Disgusting to me.

I love you, NaughtyArousal, and I want to bear your children.

-d-

 

[bankside]

Bisexuality intrigues me. I think it is in many ways a maximal experience of human sexuality and something people should aspire to.

To get this out of the way, there are what I would call "defective bisexuals" that I've met.

• Guys who fuck one gender and love the other.
• Guys who fuck and love one gender but only fuck the other.
• Guys who don't have the same emotional range across both genders.
• Guys who "look for different things from" one gender or another. "I feel dominant with women and passive with men." Blech. Eww.
• Guys who think that one gender is fun for messing around but if you can get hard for both, then you might as well pick someone your conservative parents and their neighbours approve of. Fucking cowards. I hope that every time you have sex from now on, you're forced to imagine your parents standing in the room giving you their approval.

These are some of the common bisexual defects I have encountered that would prevent me from dating a bi guy. But I don't think bi guys are all like that. Some of them would be really good candidates for a relationship, sexually and emotionally.

In the past, I have referred to myself as a bi-curious gay guy. I know I'm gay. I know I don't have any of those hang-ups with men. I know if there is a spark of curiosity to understand heterosexuality anywhere in my body, it isn't enough to make me a good candidate for a relationship with a woman, because I'd fail a few of those criteria above (but not all of them).

Bottom line however, I wouldn't present myself as, or pretend to be, a suitable candidate for a heterosexual relationship. If my guy and I had an open relationship, however, I would be curious about bi guys and their experience of sexuality, and I would be curious about a select few women too. In the right circumstances it could lead to a few fun evenings if we had the right couple as friends.

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=316232
I started that poll on the heartbreak / emotional question.

And would I date a bi guy? My question to him would be "Did your last girlfriend know you are bi?" and if he said "Yes, of course. I told her" then he would have passed a good many of my "defective bisexual" tests right there.

 

[gdude30]

I've been biting my tounge about this issue so much lately. I am seeing the different sides of it. Although I think the notion that "Gay men aren't really gay they like women too" is kinda bullshit and more like a lash since they are the ones who are often referred to as "Bi's aren't really into women they really like men more".

Personally as a gay man the general view I have of bisexuals is they are able to have their cake and eat it too. They got a little more acceptance for still liking girls and for still having str8 values. They can go from A to B whenever they want and still have the rights, acceptance, and obviously the sex.

It should be understood that what I just said is a generalization. Some bisexuals might actually have "EMOTIONAL" attachment to men and women. Not just love the girl, fux her, and just fux the guy. Some bi men might be really confused and hurt that they can't decide or just not be ready to decide. Or maybe even NOT WANT TO DECIDE. As much as gay men would like to deny that they might never want to decide. And if they can live their life like that and still maintain happiness than gold stars for them. Gay men are very promiscuous and enjoy their sex but eventually need something new so they start to want "Str8" boys but than complain that they can't have a relationship with a str8 guy or that they want to know how to get more str8 guys.

Gays, str8's, bi's, as a sexual orientation...no as men with cocks MEN CHEAT. Not all men but I don't think you can really group "Bi's cheat more", "gay's cheat more", "str8's cheat more". It's easier to say gay's do because they are juggling two genders and the dynamics that go with that are confusing to outsiders.

Monogamy isn't as big as it used to be. But than again who knows how strong monogamy has ever been. I am just plain tired of people. Gays, bi's, straights, women's, I don't care. People are just so god damn annoying sometimes. Part of the problem with this thread is not enough information is given. Even if an OP wants to really know something they give a little bit and add a little controversy in the topic and it turns into chaos or is assumed to be trolling.

I honestly thing the biggest problem for every fucking gender and orientation is that people now have become so god damned desperate to date and FEEL they have to date, fuck, or marry and because they are not ready or doing it for the right reason problems arise. They can't find someone, they are finding the wrong people, cheating, divorce, depression, and etc.

Don't date someone or try to go out looking for love or a relationship just because everyone else is. Regardless of the gender or sexual orientation.

But than again this defies all logic. Because if people did what they felt was right for them and when the time was right instead of rushing, desperation, and the prince charming case. Than what would we watch on tv? Apparently dramas, soap drama's, "THE REAL WORLD GURL", and crap known as "REAL TV" is the logic of this world and society.

 

[altlover85]

A great deal of gay men have slept with a woman at some point or another. According to your statement, I assume you don't date them either? On every first date do you ask a man if he's ever slept with a woman? Wow.

I think I said a few posts back that I would have a similar rule as purple if I were to date bi guys. My bf is gay, but used to be married and has kids. He hasn't had sex with a woman in 25 years and feels more emotionally and sexually connected to men, so it's not an issue for me. He chooses to identify as gay and I understand that.

And I'm really just trying to see how close to the bottom of the barrel we all are here.

If the guy is going to claim the moral high ground we should at least expect a coherent defence of it.

-d-

I think it's more of a psychological thing than a hard and fast rule. I wouldn't be as into a guy if I knew he was fooling around with a woman a week ago. If i didn't know that, it wouldn't make a difference to me. I never said it was totally rational.

We weren't talking about present-day societal stigmas.

Lube pretentiously said "if you used your ____ hand 80% of the time, would you call yourself ambidextrous?" He did so to imply that someone that favors a man could not be bisexual. (which I disagree with, because when you tell some gay men out here that you like women 20% of the time, they still freak out and call you a liar for calling yourself gay...hence the problems with labels as a whole)

That's where the comparisons started. Then when he pressed that they were not alike, I pointed out that once upon a time, left-handedness was a stigma. Same bullshit, different millennia.

In terms of "preference," the extent to which one prefers a hand isn't much different than the extent to which they prefer a gender. And both are a hell of a lot more complex than most care to imagine.

I still don't see the validity of you bringing the past into this argument.

Sexual attraction is very different than handedness because of the impact it has in your life.

Gay men don't have variations, now?

Unless you're part of the "Pure Homosexual" group, I'm damn sure we do.

We don't have as many as bankside states in his post which I have quoted below this.

Bisexuality intrigues me. I think it is in many ways a maximal experience of human sexuality and something people should aspire to.

To get this out of the way, there are what I would call "defective bisexuals" that I've met.

• Guys who fuck one gender and love the other.
• Guys who fuck and love one gender but only fuck the other.
• Guys who don't have the same emotional range across both genders.
• Guys who "look for different things from" one gender or another. "I feel dominant with women and passive with men." Blech. Eww.
• Guys who think that one gender is fun for messing around but if you can get hard for both, then you might as well pick someone your conservative parents and their neighbours approve of. Fucking cowards. I hope that every time you have sex from now on, you're forced to imagine your parents standing in the room giving you their approval.

 

[altlover85]

Every single group of people in the world can be divided into subgroups. In fact, every single group that Bankside identified in his post already exists within the gay community. You don't think there are guys who will fuck femmes but would never become emotionally attached to one? Who would date a butch guy down the line to appease his "gay accepting" family and friends? They're still "gay," but they still have preferences that you'd need to know the person (not the label) to realize.

Same bullshit, different sexuality. Don't pin this issue exclusively on bisexuals.

The underlying message that those who are arguing my point have been saying is "know the person, not the label." It is enraging, disturbing, and incredibly sad that something so simple and logical is dismissed as being "naive."

I don't see it as 100% the same. If one is gay, I know they aren't going to be with women. I don't care if someone is with fems or not. Being with fems or bears or whatever is not the same as being with a women in my opinion.

I never called you naive, but I don't buy this know the person, not the label stuff. I'm pretty sure there are some people you wouldn't date due to some physical characteristics. By not dating them, you decide to not date people of a certain group. How do we define groups? With words called labels.

 

[altlover85]

^The world of fear that folks in this thread are living in is one in which a bisexual leaves them for an easier life with a woman.

I hate to say it, but if you're dating a guy who is gay and he's leaving you for an easier life with another male, the end result is exactly the same.

Physical attraction and avoidance based on preconceived notions are hardly comparable.

I think it depends on how we define "easier life". I'm pretty sure when some people in this thread say "easier life" they mean a heterosexual relationship that is more accepted by society. You can't have that definition of an "easier life" with a man.

I would say dating a woman for an "easier life" is not right and in the end probably won't work if that's the only reason why you want to date a woman.

When I talk about dating a bi guy, I'm talking about my own reasons why I don't want to date one and not the reasons of others. That is what my past posts have been about.

 

[SLCBiGuy]

I wish you knew how much harder it is to identify as Bi and have to deal with all the stigmas and stereotypes that comes with it. So many gay men have claimed that I am confused and should just "decide" who I should be with. I wish I could just "decide" on a gender to be with... but in the end I would just be lying to myself and would, in essence, become the stereotypical bi guy.

I could say I'm gay, but I would be lying to myself in saying that I have no attraction to women. I could say I'm straight, but again, I would be lying to myself by saying I'm not attracted to men. I wish it were as easy as you guys make it, but things aren't as clear cut as you see them to be.

Don't you see that by demeaning bisexuals you may force them to become the very exact bisexuals that you despise and detest?

By that, I mean the stereotypical bi guy who doesn't tell you up front that he has a slight attraction to women (remember, you said he had to decide) so 4 weeks after dating he leaves you for a woman and a bad taste in your mouth about bis. Unfortunately you do not see that your bigoted attitude perpetuated your situation.

 

[altlover85]

I've met all the guys I know of and have either had sex with or dated on dating websites. I had already prescreened out the bi guys because I didn't like the idea of being with a guy that had been with women.

If I were single and at a club and talking to a guy it might be different because I would have no way of knowing if he was bi or not.

I don't despise bisexuals, but it's not a plus in my book. Much like I generally wouldn't date younger guys or guys with kids.

My current bf does have kids and used to be married and it's not a plus in my book. I still love him, but wish he hadn't been previously married or had kids.

 

[blackbeltninja]

^But you've seen past it and evaluated him for who he is and now know that you can and do still love him.

Isn't that simply what we're asking all of you to do?

-d-

 

[altlover85]

^But you've seen past it and evaluated him for who he is and now know that you can and do still love him.

Isn't that simply what we're asking all of you to do?

-d-

I've seen past it, but I think the likelihood that I'd be with another guy with kids is low. The same goes for bi guys.

I admit that there is a small chance I would date someone that was bi, younger than me, or had kids. I can't totally rule out someone just because they are bi or younger than me or have kids. But they aren't going to be at the front of the line either.

Naughty, I just wanted to hear the other side.

Like I said, it all had to do with worrying about him going on the downlow.

Which is the same fear that gay guys have, in reverse.

Johann, your experiment was flawed. I have to agree with Naughty on this. Someone coming out as bi after a long time of dating would not put them in a positive light. It would speak to trust issues from that person and not because they were bi, but because they waited so long to tell me they were bi.

 

[altlover85]

Atl, I could reask the question tomorrow. The same women work.

What if they knew from the outset that he was bi?

(It's my guess that, still, none of the five women would date him. The other two might, though.)

You can't re-ask the question tomorrow as these women have already been asked a previous question about bisexuality and wouldn't make a good sample group. I'm not even sure what women have to do with this as we are talking about gay guys dating bi guys.

My issue is that you are talking about an innately untrustworthy bi guy in your original question, so I don't know why they would want to be with this guy anyway.

If all they knew about this guy was that he was bi and didn't want to date him due to unfounded fears, it speaks more to their idea of bi guys than it does to bi guys themselves.

My reasons for not wanting to date bi guys are focused more on the sex that they have and that being a turn off than anything about their relationship potential, which is unknowable unless I'm given a fully fleshed out human being and not just told that he's bi.

 

[fetaby]

I just asked seven unicorns which soda they liked best. 5 said pepsi and one said coke. The last one preferred iced tea and just ruined the whole conversation. Silly unicorn.

 

[altlover85]

Those cokephobic bastards!

 

[asu1117]

I suggested that this hypothetical lover was great for them in every way—googl looking, attentive, and so on, but that he confessed that he was bi.

Frankly, atl, I don't see how this particular wording could have prejudiced them.

Asking seven straight women you work with is in no way a good way to come to a conclusion. It defies everything that makes real studies as accurate as possible. So these answers offer no real backing to the prejudices that you are trying to spread.

 

[Purplebic]

Anyway, on topic, YOU said you wouldn't knob a guy who'd shagged a girl recently. Surely you must have a definition of recent with your own criteria for when it has been sufficiently long. Or do you just shift the goalposts if he's hot enough?

-d-

Regardless of time frames, there's a really obvious way around this rule, just don't talk/brag about it.

And its not that weird when you think about it. When i go on a date with a gay guy, and they spend half the evening talking to me about their previous lays, that puts me off too. Its just that 90% of gay guys know better than to waste a date talking about other encounters. Bi guys on the other hand, as i previously stated, always seem to need to reassert the straighter side of their sexuality by talking to me about their exploits with girls, or what turns them on about them... all things that don't really score points with me either.

 

[Purplebic]

Nice generalizing...

Im describing previous experiences. And i believe i have enough to go on to make an educated guess. Generalizing on one or two encounters isn't the same as avoiding a bad pattern based on ample experience.

Btw, I've run into a lot of gay guys who brag about previous lays

If you put up with it during a date, your standards are lower then mine. I expect my dates to talk about themselves, not point out every guy they've had sex with, typically thats the kind of chat i expect from friends not potential bf's.