Sleeping with my crush... He has a girlfriend.

[RomanticRylan]

So, my best friend told me he was having problems with growing up and coming into himself. He's had a girlfriend for a long time now, and since I've known him I knew he was gay. He thinks he can't break up with his girlfriend, they've been together forever, but I have really strong feelings toward him. He knows how I feel, and I'm sure he feels the same way.. We've been physical with eachother for about four months now and I'm getting more and more attached emotionally. I don't know what to do.. I don't want to make him chose because I know he's doing the best he can to stay sane because it probably is hard for him as he has a girlfriend he can't get rid of... But when he sends me cute texts when his girlfriend is around, it makes me uneasy. I get jealous of her and don't know what to do.

 

[AlmondMilk]

Well, what he has to realize that if the relationship is not going to work out, then it's not going to work out. Just because he spent a year with someone, sure it's a long time, it doesn't mean he has to stay with that person so the time they spent together doesn't go to waste. In reality all he would be doing is just living an unhappy life.

I don't know. My aunt was with this guy for a year. She was guilted into staying with him for like 3 more years. They were about to get married and on her wedding day she just canceled it or something because she realized she could never live with herself to stay with the guy. The only reason she stayed with him is because they've been together for so long and she didn't want to feel like it was wasted for nothing.

 

[RomanticRylan]

Yeah, that makes sense about not wasting time spent, but I think he's realizing that he could have so much more with me.. I just don't want to force him into anything. They've been together for years, even though I'm only twenty years old he hasn't been exposed to anything/one else until now. I just don't want to waste my time if he's going to live a lie with her.

 

[G-Lexington]

Right now, you're the guy on the side. And you almost certainly will remain the guy on the side so long as you allow him to. I mean, why wouldn't he? He can still be "straight", he has a girlfriend, he can have sex with her anytime he wants, and if he gets the hankering for some same-sex bangin', he's got a guy on call. Why would he give that up?

Lex

 

[RomanticRylan]

He doesn't have sex with her... Ever. They tried it once and they don't even kiss eachother.

 

[GL]

i'm with lex and not to put too fine a point on it, but you're being used. he has no incentive to break it off with his girlfriend and truth be told i doubt he will.

 

[RomanticRylan]

But he doesn't even like her. They aren't physical with eachother, he barely even sees her since I've been around, and has told me he's so much happier now that we've gotten so close. He practically makes fun of his girlfriend to me and before we got physical, he was asking me for advice about how to break it off with her.

 

[GL]

But he doesn't even like her. They aren't physical with eachother, he barely even sees her since I've been around, and has told me he's so much happier now that we've gotten so close. He practically makes fun of his girlfriend to me and before we got physical, he was asking me for advice about how to break it off with her.

with all due respect, what is he waiting for? if he loves you and wants to be with you don't you think he would have broken it off with his girlfriend already? there is a reason for that old idiom "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."

 

[lonnie1]

I agree with the comment directly above. And, I suspect this whole issue is tied up with the difficulty of his coming out. It's different for everyone. Take it from someone who lived in the closet for many years--you'll be much happier being who you really are. Talk to him to find out what's holding him up and then try to find a way to work with it if you want him.

 

[G-Lexington]

GL nailed it. Even if they're not physical, why is she there? Presumably because he wants to appear straight. And given that, it doesn't matter if she never gets any, and you get laid every night - you're still the "downlow relationship", the one on the side.

Lex

 

[Horschallen]

Talk to her and ask her to let him go for someone who will love her more?

 

[KaraBulut]

...I don't know what to do..

Usually when people say they don't know what to do it's because...

...
I don't want to make him chose because I know he's doing the best he can to stay sane because it probably is hard for him as he has a girlfriend he can't get rid of... But when he sends me cute texts when his girlfriend is around, it makes me uneasy. I get jealous of her and don't know what to do.

...they know what they should do but they fear the consequences.

You should end it with this guy.... while you can do it on your own terms. Otherwise, he will eventually marry this girl or some other girl. And if he continues to sleep with you, you will always be the "piece on the side" who is emotionally trapped in a relationship that will never go anywhere.

 

[hotb0d]

Oh come on man! If you want him, go and get him! Doesn't hurt if you just give him a necessary push so make him realize what he or the both of you want. You either end up with a boyfriend at the end of this whole thing or just move on. Why linger around a guy that afraid to break up with his gf? Even if you want to be his friend, there should be a limit.

 

[Lube]

As Lex said, she's his beard: she makes him appear straight. In fact, she's his fag hag, if they don't have any sex. But he needs her to make him "look good" (in his own mind, anyway).

As Molten Rock said, actions speak louder than words.

Give him up until he dumps her, if ever. Right now, he's a total loser, and you deserve better than that.

 

[rareboy]

You.

Are.

Wasting.

Your.

Time.

Cut him loose and look elsewhere. And stop trying to rationalize. It makes you seem sad and lost somehow.

 

[D-Ruby85]

He is really just using you,if he can cheat his Girlfriend like that,its very likely his having sex with other people,not just you. And since yo'all have been doing it for 4-MONTHS (THATS A LONG TIME) on a no strings attached/downlow basis its very unlikely his going to break up with her,if he really wanted you he would broken up with her a long time ago,his had long 4-MONTHS.

Secondly they MAY not have a sexual relationship with her,however,they do have an emotional relationship "He thinks he can't break up with his girlfriend, they've been together forever. Emotional relationship VS Sexual relationship,Emotional almost always wins. At the end of the day who hand is he holding,yours or hers? HERS
And if he did break up with her for you,whats the guarantee that his not going to cheat on you like he did with his ex girlfriend, thats his with for years. History tends to repeat itself,same script different act.

 

[Eagle653]

Who knows, but you all may be giving the other guy (the one dating the girl) too much credit for consciously manipulating a scenario in which he has it "both ways."

Another explanation is that he is confused and literally does not know what he wants, and may be having a hard time coming out to himself.

In the end, it depends on what you want out of this. If you think you have a chance at him, then guide him along and be supportive and keep the line of communication open. Since none of us are there, it's impossible to know what's really going on in his head. It could be that he wants you, but doesn't know how to go about doing that. Or, it could be what the consensus of other posters in this thread think. If you think you have a chance, and you think you can help him through this, then do it. It will take patience, though, and there are no guarantees.

Fourteen years ago, the man who is now my partner coached me out and gave me confidence to come out to myself and commit. I was not far off from where your friend is now. It's a confusing process, and a scary one and one that does not always happen over night. If he'd given up on me, I would probably have slinkered back into my safe closet for who knows how long. But, he was in love and wasn't going to let go of someone whom he felt he had a chance of getting.

Good luck to you.

 

[frcd2pst]

He doesn't have sex with her... Ever. They tried it once and they don't even kiss eachother.

And they've been together for years? She already knows he's gay

Breaking up with her would free her to live her life, too.

 

[alexthegreat]

I think you should sit down with him and let him know how you feel. Tell him that you'll be there for him, but you think that you guys should stop being physical towards each other until he isn't in a relationship. Let him know that you can't be the one to just fill the physical aspect, and that you deserve and want a deeper connection with him. He also needs to think of this girl's feelings as well.. She deserves someone who can give all of himself to her, not just play her while he is cheating on her with another man.

Or, perhaps the reason you're having trouble is because you're afraid that he'll choose her in the end. Maybe you actually like being just physical with him as well? Something to consider... but if you continue this behind this girls back it makes you a VERY big ass.

I know this is as hard on you as it is on him, otherwise you wouldn't have come here for advice.

I think if you love him like you say, you should remain a person he can talk to and continue to give him your support. However, I do think you're doing yourself a disservice by letting sex (or whatever you guys do) dominate your actions towards him. Meaning, don't be afraid to let go of this guy. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

This is all assuming that you also are gay... If this is just a road to discover just as much as it is/was for him, this may complicate things a little more down the road. Just something to think about as well. If you yourself are just skeptical, maybe you should find someone that this would cause less "problems" for.

Hang in there, the night is darkest before the dawn, etc.

 

[TX-Beau]

Talk to her and ask her to let him go for someone who will love her more?

Really bad idea. I've tried this one in my wasted youth. She refused to believe me, ran to him, and he sided with her to save his closeted ass.

The girlfriend almost always has some clue. Whether she wants to acknowledge it or not is another issue entirely, no matter what, he'll side with her. Why, because he's in the closet and that will trump you every time.

You understand that? The closet will win every time. How do we know you'll lose him to the closet? Because he's in it, with a girlfriend, cheating on her, hiding you in his dirty little secret box.

How long do you want to be his shameful perversion?

You can't force him out of the closet. He won't date you until he begins to come out. You push him before that, you'll lose, because in the end it's everything you want from him that he's running from.

Now what are you doing to her? I guarantee you she'll think you're the home wrecking slut if she ever finds out. Trust me here, never insert yourself into other people's relationships.

To steal from another poster.

You're.

Wasting.

Your.

Time.

Move on.