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somebody tell me a joke
- Thread starter Andreus
- Start date
timnmostud
Contemplating
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That is funny and somehow sad and true at the same time, which makes it funnier, I think!
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Did you ever hear the story about Rabbi Goldstein and Father Mulligan? They had breakfast one Friday morning and were discussing what each other was doing that morning. The priest said he had to leave right away to hear confessions.
The rabbi asked if he could observe to see how it worked. So after they arrived back at the church, woman can in and confessed that she had been unfaithful to her husband five times in the last month. Father Mulligan gave her five Hail Marys and Five Our Fathers for penance and told her to put $5 in the poor box as she left.
A few minutes later a man entered the confessional and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." Father Mulligan asked him what he had done, and he said he had been unfaithful five times in the last week to his wife. Again the penance was five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and $5 in the poor box.
Then Father Mulligan asked the rabbi if he would pinch hit for him while he answered the door at the rectory. The rabbi said he thought he could handle it.
Soon another woman came into the confessonal and confessed infidelity to her husband twice in the past six months. So Rabbi Goldstein told her she could leave and come back later. There was a special today, five infidelities was only five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and $5 in the poor box. "Come back later for the special."
The rabbi asked if he could observe to see how it worked. So after they arrived back at the church, woman can in and confessed that she had been unfaithful to her husband five times in the last month. Father Mulligan gave her five Hail Marys and Five Our Fathers for penance and told her to put $5 in the poor box as she left.
A few minutes later a man entered the confessional and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." Father Mulligan asked him what he had done, and he said he had been unfaithful five times in the last week to his wife. Again the penance was five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and $5 in the poor box.
Then Father Mulligan asked the rabbi if he would pinch hit for him while he answered the door at the rectory. The rabbi said he thought he could handle it.
Soon another woman came into the confessonal and confessed infidelity to her husband twice in the past six months. So Rabbi Goldstein told her she could leave and come back later. There was a special today, five infidelities was only five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and $5 in the poor box. "Come back later for the special."
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What do you call a group of male prostitutes?
Peter Sellers.
Peter Sellers.
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when
he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being
pulled by her dog & her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a
closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with
admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had
tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles. "Little
partner," the firefighter said. "I don't want to tell you how to run
your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren."
he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being
pulled by her dog & her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a
closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with
admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had
tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles. "Little
partner," the firefighter said. "I don't want to tell you how to run
your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren."
number2
Porn Star
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A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of blood.
Another Vampire walks in and does the same.
A third walks in and says "Give me a cup of boiling water"
Expecting him to have followed suit, the bartender was like "Why the fuck do you want that?"
The third vampire replies "I've got an old tampon- I am making tea."
A blind man walks into a fish market, inhales deeply through his nose, and proclaims "Hello Ladies!"
Another Vampire walks in and does the same.
A third walks in and says "Give me a cup of boiling water"
Expecting him to have followed suit, the bartender was like "Why the fuck do you want that?"
The third vampire replies "I've got an old tampon- I am making tea."
A blind man walks into a fish market, inhales deeply through his nose, and proclaims "Hello Ladies!"
A duck goes into a drug store and says "Give me some chap stick--- put it on my bill!"
(Wow, that joke cracks me up! I'll be laughing the rest of the night!!
Don't know about you, Andreus, but I feel much better! 
)
(Wow, that joke cracks me up! I'll be laughing the rest of the night!!
Don't know about you, Andreus, but I feel much better! )
Buckley
Porn Star
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This guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I have a problem. I think I'm a moth."
The doctor says, "I'm sorry to hear that, but you don't need a doctor, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you come into my office?"
The guy said, "Well, I saw the light . . ."
The doctor says, "I'm sorry to hear that, but you don't need a doctor, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you come into my office?"
The guy said, "Well, I saw the light . . ."
loppyears
Slut
MAUDE & MABLE
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
A classic
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
A classic
winterknight
Pure in Heart
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There were two parrots, sitting on a perch.
One said to the other: "Can you smell fish?"
*waits*...
One said to the other: "Can you smell fish?"
*waits*...
Luminox
Sex God
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Ok,a girl at uni told me this joke and I was laughing my ass of for I don't even know how long . But then again, she has the same whacky sense of humour I have, so not everybody will find this funny..Not everybody laughed at uni, at least !
Ok, there was this man who had two statues : one of a young woman and one of a young man. These statues were enchanted, and they could for ONCE only, become humans for a single hour.
One day, the man goes outside in his garden (where the statues were), and doesn't find the statues where they normally are. He starts searching the garden for them, and finally as he starts approaching the bushes at the end of the garden, he sees the bushes shaking, and hears their voices.
"Aha !" , he thinks amused, "they decided to fuck and have some good ol' fun for that one hour, huh ?". Then, as he gets closer to the bush, he hears the boy telling the girl :
"Ok, my turn !Now YOU hold the pidgeon and I will shit on it !"
Ok, there was this man who had two statues : one of a young woman and one of a young man. These statues were enchanted, and they could for ONCE only, become humans for a single hour.
One day, the man goes outside in his garden (where the statues were), and doesn't find the statues where they normally are. He starts searching the garden for them, and finally as he starts approaching the bushes at the end of the garden, he sees the bushes shaking, and hears their voices.
"Aha !" , he thinks amused, "they decided to fuck and have some good ol' fun for that one hour, huh ?". Then, as he gets closer to the bush, he hears the boy telling the girl :
"Ok, my turn !Now YOU hold the pidgeon and I will shit on it !"
At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone.... "I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from the front of the audience yells out...."Then fookin stop clapping, ya arsehole!"
You Got To Love the Irish
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone.... "I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from the front of the audience yells out...."Then fookin stop clapping, ya arsehole!"
You Got To Love the Irish
The Picture On The Night Stand
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her
nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he
nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her
nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he
nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
Jeimuzu
The Ire Brigade
I lol at some of you. But some of you make me groan!
Hm, can't think of anything. I'll just have to yoink one from someone.
I had to rewrite this to make it work in text, sorry if I made it suck.
Hm, can't think of anything. I'll just have to yoink one from someone.
I had to rewrite this to make it work in text, sorry if I made it suck.
What's the difference between a male prostitute, your lover, and your boyfriend during sex?
The male prostitute says, "Are you done yet?"
Your lover says, "You're DONE already?"
Your boyfriend says, "Do you think we should repaint the ceiling?"
The male prostitute says, "Are you done yet?"
Your lover says, "You're DONE already?"
Your boyfriend says, "Do you think we should repaint the ceiling?"
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(NOTE: I heard this joke more than 20 years ago - LONG before I had ever heard of our Gery in Vancouver. But, in keeping with the theme, I've turned this into a joke that takes place in Canada. NOTHING else, other than wording differences, have been changed here. Indeed, it involves a piano, as I originally heard it.)
Many years ago, while traveling to Canada, I decided that I wanted to "wet my whistle" a little, and perhaps end up with a little nookie as well, so I decided to go to a gay bar. It was a Monday night, though, and there were only about 40 people in the place, though it looks like there can easily be 150 or more in here on a weekend night.
There was a guy talking to the bartender, and he seemed to be very distraught. I thought I'd eavesdrop, in case there was anything I thought I could offer to the conversation. I mean, there wasn't much else to do - the place didn't look the least bit "cruisy" at the time. Everybody was hanging out in couples or small groups, talking.
He was telling the bartender about his frustrations in getting his music "heard." Paraphrasing, I heard him say something like "I've been composing piano tunes for years and years, and I KNOW that I'm really good. Anybody who has ever heard me play has told me it's the most beautiful music they've ever heard. I've been told that I should become as famous as Chopin, Tchaikovsky or Bach , my music is THAT good. But I've been sending demos to record labels for years, titling my compositions, and I never hear anything from them again - or they tell me to take a hike."
"Damn egotist," I was thinking to myself, "I'll bet this guy's playing really sucks, and his friends who hear it are only patronizing him and trying to make him have a false sense of confidence."
The bartender said, "Well, it's not very busy in here on Mondays, not even busy enough to justify hiring a musician, but there's a piano over there past the dance floor, and you're welcome to bang on it a while if you feel like it. It'll have to be volunteer and not paid, though."
The customer thanked the bartender and said, "Sure, I might as well" and he walked over to the piano and sat down.
And he began to play.
I then saw one of the most amazing things I've ever seen in my lifetime. The music just poured out of that piano.
The music...
stopped...
the...
place...
COLD.
He made some music that I didn't even think was possible on a piano. I cannot come up with any words to describe how sublime, how beautiful, how hypnotic his music was - and the beauty had me crying within the very first minute.
ALL conversations stopped. Even the drinking stopped; I could see a number of people transfixed, entirely frozen and motionless, mostly with their drinks on the tables and bar, but in a couple cases with the drinks held in the air but still frozen in place. Without exception, all faces were focused on the very same spot in the bar. (It even took some doing for me to break myself away, enough to ascertain what was going on.)
He played for about 15 minutes. When he stopped, there was NO APPLAUSE. The clientele were simply too dumbstruck and speechless to do anything, and hardly anybody had even moved yet. After about a full minute of silence (you could have heard a cricket in there), one cute guy, who looked like an Olympic gymnast in his hot tanktop, started to clap, and the whole place became a cacophony of deafening applause and cheering. All this from such a small crowd!
After the applause subsided, he walked back to the bartender and said "See? I do play beautiful music, don't I?"
"I still don't understand why I get nothing but flak from the record labels, if they even bother to contact me back at all. Again, I send them demos, and I put the TITLES on the songs, and that's all that ever happens."
"Yes, I agree completely with you," the bartender said. "By the way, that second-to-last thing that you played was beyond any possible description, it was so incredible. What was that one called?"
"Oh, that one," said the piano player, is called "I Love You So Fucking Much That I Could Shit."
Many years ago, while traveling to Canada, I decided that I wanted to "wet my whistle" a little, and perhaps end up with a little nookie as well, so I decided to go to a gay bar. It was a Monday night, though, and there were only about 40 people in the place, though it looks like there can easily be 150 or more in here on a weekend night.
There was a guy talking to the bartender, and he seemed to be very distraught. I thought I'd eavesdrop, in case there was anything I thought I could offer to the conversation. I mean, there wasn't much else to do - the place didn't look the least bit "cruisy" at the time. Everybody was hanging out in couples or small groups, talking.
He was telling the bartender about his frustrations in getting his music "heard." Paraphrasing, I heard him say something like "I've been composing piano tunes for years and years, and I KNOW that I'm really good. Anybody who has ever heard me play has told me it's the most beautiful music they've ever heard. I've been told that I should become as famous as Chopin, Tchaikovsky or Bach , my music is THAT good. But I've been sending demos to record labels for years, titling my compositions, and I never hear anything from them again - or they tell me to take a hike."
"Damn egotist," I was thinking to myself, "I'll bet this guy's playing really sucks, and his friends who hear it are only patronizing him and trying to make him have a false sense of confidence."
The bartender said, "Well, it's not very busy in here on Mondays, not even busy enough to justify hiring a musician, but there's a piano over there past the dance floor, and you're welcome to bang on it a while if you feel like it. It'll have to be volunteer and not paid, though."
The customer thanked the bartender and said, "Sure, I might as well" and he walked over to the piano and sat down.
And he began to play.
I then saw one of the most amazing things I've ever seen in my lifetime. The music just poured out of that piano.
The music...
stopped...
the...
place...
COLD.
He made some music that I didn't even think was possible on a piano. I cannot come up with any words to describe how sublime, how beautiful, how hypnotic his music was - and the beauty had me crying within the very first minute.
ALL conversations stopped. Even the drinking stopped; I could see a number of people transfixed, entirely frozen and motionless, mostly with their drinks on the tables and bar, but in a couple cases with the drinks held in the air but still frozen in place. Without exception, all faces were focused on the very same spot in the bar. (It even took some doing for me to break myself away, enough to ascertain what was going on.)
He played for about 15 minutes. When he stopped, there was NO APPLAUSE. The clientele were simply too dumbstruck and speechless to do anything, and hardly anybody had even moved yet. After about a full minute of silence (you could have heard a cricket in there), one cute guy, who looked like an Olympic gymnast in his hot tanktop, started to clap, and the whole place became a cacophony of deafening applause and cheering. All this from such a small crowd!
After the applause subsided, he walked back to the bartender and said "See? I do play beautiful music, don't I?"
"I still don't understand why I get nothing but flak from the record labels, if they even bother to contact me back at all. Again, I send them demos, and I put the TITLES on the songs, and that's all that ever happens."
"Yes, I agree completely with you," the bartender said. "By the way, that second-to-last thing that you played was beyond any possible description, it was so incredible. What was that one called?"
"Oh, that one," said the piano player, is called "I Love You So Fucking Much That I Could Shit."
- Joined
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- Posts
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> Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the
> same day.
>
> They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted
> to Heaven.
>
> The angel said 'Unfortunately, there*s only one space in Heaven
> today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted.'
>
> The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she
> should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, 'Look at these,
> they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will
> please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
>
> The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth
> the same question.
>
> The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it
> without saying a word.
>
> The Angel immediately said, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go into
> Heaven.'
>
> Dolly was outraged and asked, 'What was that all about? I showed you
> two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She
> simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain
> that to me?
>
> 'Sorry, Dolly,' said the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a royal flush
> beats a pair - no matter how big they are.'
> same day.
>
> They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted
> to Heaven.
>
> The angel said 'Unfortunately, there*s only one space in Heaven
> today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted.'
>
> The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she
> should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, 'Look at these,
> they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will
> please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
>
> The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth
> the same question.
>
> The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it
> without saying a word.
>
> The Angel immediately said, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go into
> Heaven.'
>
> Dolly was outraged and asked, 'What was that all about? I showed you
> two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She
> simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain
> that to me?
>
> 'Sorry, Dolly,' said the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a royal flush
> beats a pair - no matter how big they are.'