somebody tell me a joke

[TickTockMan]

"A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much?'

"The hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

"The guy says, '$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!'

"The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'

"'Yes.'

"'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'

"'Yes.'

"'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'

"'Yes.'

"'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'

"The guy says, 'What the hell? I'll give it a try.'

"They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

"He is so amazed, he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1000?'

"The hooker replies, '$1,500.'

"'$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that.'

"The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy.

Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.'

"The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job says, 'Sign me up.'

"Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can't believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into his retirement saving for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

"He asks the hooker, 'How much for some pussy?'

"The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window. Do you see how this whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?'

"'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?'

"'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'"

 

[Beachguyj]

I"m gonna beat my dick like it owes me money.

 

[SLOPPYSECONDS]

was a dude name a tony
was a cute ass a pony
ans all da town take turns
ridin him
everywhere

how taxis invent

thankyou

 

[frankfrank]

Trivia: crosswords in the United States have very little resemblance to those in the UK.

Very true, both in the structure and in the clueing.

British crosswords clues have two parts (one part is a real definition, the other part is wordplay), and the demarcation between the clue parts is usually intentionally vague.

Furthermore, many of the letters in British crosswords aren't "checked" (i.e. part of both Across and Down), while American crossword construction rules generally dictate that ALL letters in the grid be parts of words both Across and Down, with words a minimum of three letters long.

US and British crosswords are AS different from each other as are the games Monopoly and roulette. I'm not as good with working the British ones, but I can often get some of the answers - and sometimes entirely fill out the ones with "Americanized" clues. (British ones will sometimes have clues which will be obscure on this side of the Pond.)

 

[frankfrank]

A British clue that I made up a couple months ago: can you guess this one? "Checked" letters are shown.

Type of flashlight for a native climbing down from the Andes (12)

_ _ C _ _ _ _ S _ _ _ T

 

[Beachguyj]

 

[JayHawk]

Saw this on tv the other night.....

Why doesn't Justin Bieber shop at Sports Authority?












































































He prefers Dicks!

 

[Essex Boy]

A man makes a phone call. A little boy answers.
Man: Hello, Is your mum there?
Boy: Yes.
Man: Could I speak to her please?
Boy: No.
Man: Why not?
Boy: She's up in the attic.
Man: Oh, I see. In that case is your dad there?
Boy: Yes.
Man: Could you ask him to come to the phone please?
Boy: No.
Man: Why not?
Boy: He's in the attic as well.
Man: I see. So are there any other adults in the house with you?
Boy: Yes.
Man: Well, who?
Boy: The Police are here.
Man: The Police? I think I'd better to speak to them then. Could you ask an officer to take the call please?
Boy: No.
Man: Why not?
Boy: They're in the attic.
Man: What are they all doing in the attic?
Boy: They're looking for me.

 

[frankfrank]

A British clue that I made up a couple months ago: can you guess this one? "Checked" letters are shown.

Type of flashlight for a native climbing down from the Andes (12)

_ _ C _ _ _ _ S _ _ _ T

Incandescent.

 

[refujiunderground]

this is not a joke but this is pretty damn funny.

 

[vulgar_newcomer]

Q:What do people do in Mississippi (insert favorite red neck Mecca) on Halloween?
Aumpkin

 

[Beachguyj]

What has 6 balls and fucks poor people?




























the lottery

 

[frankfrank]

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of blood-stained women's panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

Answer... "They're Carol's."

 

[SLOPPYSECONDS]

dude go sit on wood a bench in nice park yea nice park a pretty ans lot tree
but bench wet cause it rain ans rain wet
dude face not happy ans nice suit pants a wettys
anoda dude cum a by on littul merry walk tra la la in park
dude on bench look him ans say
* WET * in no a nice face
ans dude stop tra la laa a look dude a sec ans say ! YEA ! ans go on way tra la la laa
it start rain again
dude ons bench now a all wet ans he get off a bench ans rest day he tell everyone he wet
so if ya wet
it maybe rain on you taday or ya just wet

thankyou

 

[jkom1f]

What's black and blue and red all over?

Rihanna in the passenger seat of a Lamborghini

 

[Essex Boy]

A man called an escort agency and said, ' I want to hire the tallest, skinniest girl you've got. She's got to be very supple, long-limbed and bony. I require her to perform an unusual service for me at my home and I am willing to pay accordingly'. When the escort turned up he told her to strip off then said, 'You'll do,' and ordered her to get down on all fours naked on the hearth rug. 'Stay there and don't move,' he said then left the room. A minute later the door burst open and he came back in with a big, boisterous, slobbering Great Dane on a leash. He bent down close to the dog, pointed to the call-girl and said, 'That's what you'll look like if you don't eat your Cesar Gourmet Filets!'

 

[gamestarp]

This is the dirtiest joke I have ever heard.

A young man falls deeply in love with an attractive young woman. He likes romantic movies, she likes romantic movies. He likes his steak rare, she likes her steak rare. He sleeps late, she's a night owl too. Everything they do together, they enjoy. The lady is quite conventional in bed, never doing anything except straight cock and pussy sex, but she's great at it, so that's ok too.

Only one interest seems to separate them. The young man was brought up in the country, and he's a fanatic for deer hunting. But the young lady is a city type, and doesn't fancy wandering about in the woods and killing Bambi. But, the young man figures he can put up with her lack of interest in that one hobby, since they are perfect matches otherwise, and they get married.

Everything is wine and roses for about six months, but then comes hunting season. The boy begs and pleads with his new bride to come hunting with him, to no avail. He goes alone, or with his friends, but one weekend morning he rises early, goes down to the kitchen, only to find his friends are busy. He doesn't want to go hunting alone, again.

He decides he's had enough. He's the man, after all! Hers is but to obey! He storms up the stairs, strips the covers off his naked young wife, and lays down the law. "Goddammit, either you come hunting with me, give me a blowjob, or let me fuck you up the ass!"

His startled wife is worried by this first sign of aggression in her husband. She's got to calm him down somehow. She can't abide the thought of gutting a murdered deer. And she's heard that anal sex is quite painful! So, she agrees to give the boy a blowjob. Kneeling naked before him, she takes his prick fully into her mouth, only to immediately spit it out and begin to gag.

"That tastes like shit!" she exclaims!

Replies her husband sheepishly, "Yeah, the dog didn't want to go hunting either."

 

[Adrock-JD]

coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee
coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee

 

[Adrock-JD]

 

[Vitamin]

Necromancy is a sin.