TickTockMan
"Repent, Harlequin!"
That has been my favorite joke for years.
A magazine I use to read asked each US Representative and Senator to send them their favorite joke. This one got me the most.
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somebody tell me a joke
- Thread starter Andreus
- Start date
That has been my favorite joke for years.
A magazine I use to read asked each US Representative and Senator to send them their favorite joke. This one got me the most.
Father Mike and Father Rico were standing together peeing at the urinals. Father Mike couldn't help but sneak a peek at Father Rico's junk, where he discovered a Nicorette patch. "Um, Father Rico, it's none of my business, but I think those patches are supposed to go on your arms, no?" "Nawww!" replies Father Rico. "They work fine right there. I'm down to three butts a day."
Ellybelly909
Happy Festivus!
Newt Gingrich and Jesse Helms had just passed another anti-gay law and were about to shake hands when a congressional aide told them they couldn't, "The law clearly states a prick can't touch and asshole."
DeafFoxDemon
Gay and Deaf!
who is Andreus? and btw, all the Jokes are funny as heck
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Andreus was a rather opinionated Greek guy who lived in the Boston area. His heart was in the right place, and he was steadfast and sincere in his beliefs, which he sometimes expressed very strongly here. It was very evident that he was a caring, and highly intelligent, person.
He died several years ago from AIDS, and he continued to post here as long as he could. Briefly his brother Mitri (who some people think wasn't "real" but I definitely think he was, because the styles were very different) was hanging out with us in here. Andreus' English was flawless...Mitri's English was not very good but he was still able to communicate his thoughts in a surprisingly intense manner.
Andreus is missed and was respected by the great majority of people who got to "know him" (to the degree that's possible on an Internet forum, at least), even those who vehemently disagreed with him.
****************
The Heaviest Element Known to Science
The CSIRO in Australia has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
[EDIT: I assume that is the number of people who sit in Parliament?]
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other byproducts are produced.
He died several years ago from AIDS, and he continued to post here as long as he could. Briefly his brother Mitri (who some people think wasn't "real" but I definitely think he was, because the styles were very different) was hanging out with us in here. Andreus' English was flawless...Mitri's English was not very good but he was still able to communicate his thoughts in a surprisingly intense manner.
Andreus is missed and was respected by the great majority of people who got to "know him" (to the degree that's possible on an Internet forum, at least), even those who vehemently disagreed with him.
****************
The Heaviest Element Known to Science
The CSIRO in Australia has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
[EDIT: I assume that is the number of people who sit in Parliament?]
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other byproducts are produced.
- Joined
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Just another of those days!
There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a huge, hairy biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, dude," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life, I say". "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took to get home. I found my wife with another man, and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"
There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a huge, hairy biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, dude," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life, I say". "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took to get home. I found my wife with another man, and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"
SLOPPYSECONDS
Albatross
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has nice day now
* ooh *
or press 2 if ya no like has nice day now
* ooh *
or press 3 if ya no like 2
* ooh ? *
or press 4 if ya no like 3
* UH? *
or press 5 if no like 4
* gah *
or press 6 if no like 5 ans if like hear all options again press O we is company wot a care jingull jungull happy doo
* smash *
thankyou for ya waitin ans has nice day or
* smash smash smash *
so how ya new phone thang?
* takin up smokin *
ooh dat nice
yes we is SMILE you ans afta please fill in preformance thang so we can IM PROVEEEEEEE smile a fa you
* SMASH SMASH SMASH *
why ya kickin da door? SMIIIIIILEEEEE or
world folk sure awsums
lucky awsums no read this
" SMIIIIIIIILEEEEEE "
ooh
* ooh *
or press 2 if ya no like has nice day now
* ooh *
or press 3 if ya no like 2
* ooh ? *
or press 4 if ya no like 3
* UH? *
or press 5 if no like 4
* gah *
or press 6 if no like 5 ans if like hear all options again press O we is company wot a care jingull jungull happy doo
* smash *
thankyou for ya waitin ans has nice day or
* smash smash smash *
so how ya new phone thang?
* takin up smokin *
ooh dat nice
yes we is SMILE you ans afta please fill in preformance thang so we can IM PROVEEEEEEE smile a fa you
* SMASH SMASH SMASH *
why ya kickin da door? SMIIIIIILEEEEE or
world folk sure awsums
lucky awsums no read this
" SMIIIIIIIILEEEEEE "
ooh
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A while ago a new supermarket opened in Chicago . It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don't buy my toilet paper there.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don't buy my toilet paper there.
^ 
What did Sally get for Christmas ?
Nobody knows, she couldn't open it.
What did Sally get for Christmas ?
Nobody knows, she couldn't open it.
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What's the square root of 69?
8-something.
8-something.
LemonMonk
Slut
What do you call a computer that can sing?
A Dell.
A Dell.
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- Location
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Don't leave us hanging...inquiring minds want to know (the answer).
Deepak Patel had just finished his Masters Degree in tiddlywinks, and he felt so very liberated. "At last! No more studying, no more term papers, no more exams, no more Thesis! I think I'm going to see what this big United States is all about."
He filled his car with his meager belongings, and headed east from the University of California at Riverside. He had wanted to go to Las Vegas his entire lifetime (well, since he found out about it in Grade 2 back in Trivandrum, India), so he headed up Interstate 15 and spent a couple days there, somehow managing to lose $71,943.22! The 22 cents came from the hole that showed up in his pants pocket, because there aren't any gambling machines in Las Vegas to accommodate such a small amount of money. He continued up to Interstate 70, turning east there. Much later in the day he reached Denver. "Cool! A CAPITAL! I really love visiting capitals."
And the day after he left Denver, he had that thrill again, at Topeka. He was also so happy that he had a lot of spare time to play Naked Twister with the entire Phelps family. You know, after all, that "God's family puts the FUN in dysfunctional." (This IS NOT really a joke, I saw that exact message on a church in Cornelius, Oregon in 2006...)
But, considerably later in the trip, about four hours after passing through St. Louis, Missouri and approaching yet ANOTHER state capital, he suddenly realized "Oh, DARN...I forgot to take the food out of the refrigerator and the fruit bowl back in California. Oh well. I'm certainly not going back there for that. Some leftover palak paneer, five or six eggs, a few apples/bananas/oranges, and some yoghurt..."
And about an hour later, at that state capital, there was the arrival of Deepak, the somewhat weary Indian, apple-less. (Sorry, this isn't a very good joke...I just now made it up...)
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A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run"
The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN RUN". The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk."
The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, RRUNN!"
The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he's got four balls."
The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run"
The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN RUN". The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk."
The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, RRUNN!"
The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he's got four balls."
The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"
This woman, a virgin, is on her very first flight when the engine sputters and the plane starts to go down. In a panic the woman jumps up and screams, "OMG! I have never felt the love of a man and now I'm going to die!!! Argh!!!!! Who here on this plane is man enough to make me feel like a woman before we crash?" This tall, dark and georgous young man stands up and slowly walks up to her as he takes off his shirt. He grabs her tight in his arms, hands her his shirt and whispers in her ear, "Here, iron this."