you know, i appreciate everybody's input on this shit but i think a lot of ya need to understand where some of us are coming from. yeah, i agree with the fact that only you have the power to make your life better and etc. i know this. i also agree that ranting about it (to you guys i'm complaining or whining, don't see it that way) isn't going to change the situation either. you're a 100 percent right about that.
but however, back to this, everybody is different in terms of dealing with shit though as well as our environments and circumstances. some of us have nothing to lose while others do have things to lose from this. it's easy to say that "yeah, come out the closet. get yourself a job. do this, that, and whatever at 25 years old" but how many of you guys actually been in that position where you can relate. i also notice that many of you guys came out in your teens and your early 20s. to me, coming out when you're 16 or dealing with this matter at hand at that age is much more easier compared to when you're 25 or 30 especially when you're a grown ass man with nothing to lean back on. you are allowed sometime to figure yourself out at 16 but you don't have the same amount of time at 25 especially if you have to worry about other things on the plate as well.
speaking for myself, i grew up around an environment where homosexuality was frowned down on from the jump. if you were gay, then something was wrong with you. i learned that at an early age even though i myself was gay, it's that i didn't realize it yet. so by the time i reached a certain age and put two and two together, i pretty much hated myself and shit and did everything in my power to not be gay. i hated gay people, i became a full blown homophobe, i said some hateful shit and etc. however, i started going through an internal conflict with myself. i wanted to like girls, date them and be attracted to them but things weren't going how they should have. i had an attraction to guys. unfortunately, the gay guys that were around me at the time i was a teenager going through this were complete assholes and douchebags. they weren't helping anything at all.
you know, i knew that eventually i was going to have to handle this matter sooner or later because the longer, it went on. the more i found myself getting in a hole. i pretty much went along with something that i shouldn't have went along with and am now caught up in a situation which is going to hurt me more than it probably should. i really don't care if you guys don't like me or not. you guys can hate me all you want, call me a whiney loser or put me on your ignore list. that doesn't bother me. it's that i'm scared of losing my family and the friends that have grown to love me over this shit because they are that ignorant towards this. they shared the same ignorant mentality that i had towards gay people.
as for the whole gay friends thing, i just want to be accepted for who i am as a person and i'm down to accept so and so for who they are too. that's all that i want to do. we don't even have to put this whole sexuality shit to the forefront because to me, it's secondary if anything. if it's meant to happen, then it'll happen. i'm not all that worried about that because it'll happen. yeah, i know people don't get along with everybody but i know how people are though. to me, there aren't a lot of people that can keep it real with themselves even in the gay community. hell, i figured that since we're dealing with a taboo subject in a society that isn't all that familar with homosexuality where it takes a lot of guts to even acknowledge that you're a homosexual to yourself, that people wouldn't have no issues with people just being themselves. you know, since the gay community preaches this whole liberation shit. i then come to realize after really looking at this shit that there are just as much issues in the gay community as the straight community. it's like you got dudes playing characters and not being themselves. at least that's what i see. i pretty put myself first before i do with my characteristics and what i'm seeing is dudes doing the other way around so i feel like i have to tip toe around dudes and such. it's quite annoying. i know you're gay, that's cool. how about YOU as a person? i pretty much represent myself. even though i don't want to and feel obligated, i have an inherent responsibility to represent my gender, skin color, sexuality and etc but i put myself first. all i'm asking for is for people to keep it real with me. don't judge me for my face or how i look. judge me for my personality and get to know me first as a person before you even go about judging me. i know you guys in here claim i have a shitty personality judging from my text, my threads and all but ya don't even know me to begin with so your judgements about me are nothing. the only time your opinion about my personality matters is if you spend a day or even a week to know me and how i do. you know, for the record, i'm used to being judged being that i'm used to people having opinions on me without even fucking knowing me or just seeing me. all of a sudden, they know about my whole lifestory, how i grew up, me as a person just seeing how i walk and seeing how i look and stuff. that's all good. i'm not even mad about that.
now i'm trying to be a man about this shit and i'm basically doing this for me.
