sometimes, i wish i wasn't gay and that i could be straight

[DigitalFudge]

THAT is how you become happy in your own adult gay skin and THAT is when you have a great life of friends and hobbies and activities and THAT is when the "good" men notice you and are attracted to you.

Or you can sit and home and cry about how the mean gay people tell them to stop whining about how life just ain't fair.

Your choice.

This is so factual it hurts my body.

 

[fetaby]

well, it's not. i didn't choose my family or to grow up in a neighborhood or a community like this unfortunately.

as for the bolded part, i'm sure there's other online communities outthere that can tell you how much of a pain of an ass i am. believe me, on my 12 years on the internet, i've been a problem on every web forum that i've ever been on and here is no exception. i won't tell you where to go though because i don't want them to know that i'm gay because then i pretty much would be ran off of those forums and some of my people happen to know about my involvement on those forums and no, i'm not trolling or an alias. i'm just being me.

Yeah, it is.

 

[72-Jay]

, everybody is different in terms of dealing with shit though as well as our environments and circumstances. some of us have nothing to lose while others do have things to lose from this.

Well said

it's that i'm scared of losing my family and the friends that have grown to love me over this shit because they are that ignorant towards this. they shared the same ignorant mentality that i had towards gay people.

I fully understand all this as I can say the same type of things (except that I myself have never had hatred towards gay people)

as for the whole gay friends thing, i just want to be accepted for who i am as a person and i'm down to accept so and so for who they are too.

This is one where I'd think most people would agree with you - in the long run everyone wants to be accepted by someone ... but by human nature not everyone is going to accept everyone else

 

[slnattak]

Yeah dealing with family can be hard. That's why having ur own independence away from them is so beneficial. If they can't accept you then you gotta find people you can, some gay people are so nice and accepting! there's some rude preps but also the 'cool loser' types that you probably would get along with most. You will eventually find your people but you can't do that Playing Victim.

I mean a lot of gay men moved to big cities to find themselves, probably got criticized by others for being one of those 'uppity mainstream fags' but they did it for their own happiness. maybe you need to do something similar. You might be jealous of happy gay people. You gotta be independent man. so a guy can fall in love with YOU not your mother's image of you.

I admit it's so incredibly silly when I see Dan Savage and other celebrities condescendingly me it gets better. If he really wanted to help why wasn't he there in physical reality all those days I was being bullied. Then it would actually mean something to me. Of course you help now after you already have a shitload of money. And it just seems to be another ploy to make yourself look better when in reality you're sort of being shallow and vapid. But haha it's okay he's a celebrity and that's what celebrities do. If they weren't shallow and vapid they wouldn't be celebs.

But I believe you can do it! No more playing the victim okay sweetie. You have a big heart, that's why others like to crush it. But I love people like that. I love you. u can do it!

 

[refujiunderground]

You sound miserable. I find that gay guys who aren't very attractive usually say things like this because they are frustrated that they don't fit into the world they were born into. They get mad because they can't get laid, or don't have friends, or are unsocial. All those things are your own fault.

It's silly when a gay boy curses life for not making their experience an easier one while not ever realizing that gays in the past had it 100 times worse. Stop being so negative and maybe you will attract some good experiences but that won't happen until you stop focusing on the things you don't like.

i am miserable. yeah, i don't find myself attractive and other people share the same sentiment as i do. i've always been frustrated that i don't fit the world that i've been born into even before i realized that i was gay. dude, i've been outcasted by my peers and others ever since i was in pre-k ever the moment the counselors or teachers noticed that i had what they thought could be "issues interacting with others" which turned out to be diagnosed as "developmental delay". i pretty much was told that i was different and would never fit in with the rest of society at an early age and looking back at my life, they probably were right but i've accepted that and i'm living a normal life as a normal human being.

back when i was trying to be straight where i was going through a deep internal conflict regarding my sexuality, i had issues with getting laid by women or getting a girlfriend. i wasn't all that attracted to them to begin with so i was pretty much forcing myself to be into them plus i was scared as all hell to talk to them in order to get laid. i've had opportunities where i've could have got pussy or a girlfriend but they were with women i wasn't even attracted to at all. i made up the excuse that i haven't found a woman that i was really attracted to and that's why i didn't persue the girls that were on my dick at the time. let me correct that, last statement. i wasn't attracted to women so even if i had some vagina right in my face with some attractive broad saying "fuck me", i probably wouldn't feel any love or attraction towards her. this led to me complaining, bitching and blaming women for why i couldn't get laid by a woman when in reality, it was me basically being in denial that i was gay. it made me a depressed having that on my head actually. like "i think i'm gay because my mind is telling me that i am but i don't want to believe it. maybe i will get a girl to fuck me, get a girlfriend that i will fall in love with and all this will cease and i'll be happy". after thinking about it from hearing from others in a similar situation, watching "it gets better" videos, that suicide that happens to the rutgers kid, man crushes that kept bothering me and etc, i pretty much realized that i was what i didn't want to be. i'm pretty much trying my best to deal with and trying to foster up the balls to come out to those around me even though they'll probably be the same way i was towards myself on this matter. my support outside this shit among some other places is limited where it's seems more easier to me to run back into the closet since the cat isn't really out the bag more so than to jump out the closet. hell, i know when i come out the closet that i won't be able to go back in which makes me wish sometimes i was outed by someone since i kinda have a problem outting myself.

as with guys, i don't have a problem getting laid. hell, to be honest with you, i think it's much more easier to get laid by a guy than a girl because a guy will straight up let you know he's interested in you where as a girl is scared to say that shit because her friends might make fun of her. hell, there's guys that will lay you and they're not even interested in you. they're thinking with their dicks. hell, even when i was in the closet to myself, i've had guys basically throwing passes at me and such. hell, there was one time when i was walking home from school 3 years ago and this dude pulled his car over and asked me to have sex with him. i know i won't have a problem getting laid by a guy. i may on the other hand have a problem finding a guy that i want to be with that wants to be with me that's willing to deal with me on my on terms as in him and me are best buddies where we hang, joke around, and get silly and are lovers.

yeah, i'm an introvert but for some reason, i manage to draw people to me where i can get into a comfort zone and talk my way into them being associates, acquaintances or friends with me. as some people would say jokingly "i happen to know everybody" because i might say hi or dap some people that i have convos here and there with. i'm just a regular ass dude.

but yeah, i'm a negative ass person and i have issues, fam. i haven't really come out entirely yet only to myself and maybe 20 people who aren't in my inner circle but hey..... you're right, i'm a negative person and have to think positive because even when i was roaming around trying to be straight, i was the same oscar the grouch ass motherfucker.

 

[mbamike]

Refuji, I can relate to your situation. My situation is similar. However, I think you are being blessed with knowing and facing your sexuality at such an early age. I spent most of my life in denial. My regret is that I did not deal with my sexuality earlier in life.

Around here, anything associated with being gay is frowned upon. Most folks around here still believe being gay is a choice. Some associate gays with pedophilia. A few years ago, an openly gay guy was attacked and killed just because he was openly gay.

Anyways, I am hearing a great deal of frustration because you are gay and the you feel as if you have not been give a fair deal. Why couldn't you be straight so you would be accepted by your family, friends and would not have to deal with the issue.

I take it you are very close to your mom. You wonder how she will take the news when you tell her.

All this stuff is bouncing around in your head and you come here to vent. Well, go ahead and vent my friend.

You are wrestling with coming out and you are finding that it is not easy. I'm facing the same situation in a similar environment.

The important thing now is that you accept yourself first. It was really difficult for me to accept that I am gay.

Then, take one day at a time and take baby-steps in coming out. I'm taking baby-steps too. Best of luck to you my friend.

 

[Saybrooke]

I'm sorry you feel this way

But its not something that you can just change, its who you are!

It might take some time, but I hope you can accept it someday

 

[TheOscar]

after awhile, this gets irritating and boring because there's really nothing to gain from this shit at all besides fucking and sucking dudes. being in love with a guy might feel good but after awhile, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. only thing that is annoying about being straight is that you have to get a woman. with being gay, you get a whole stockpile of problems and face a shitload of hardships. with that said, i don't even feel like coming out or being bothered with this shit.

another thing that turns me off about this whole thing right here is the other gay guys that i have to encounter and deal with. not going to lie but some of you actually annoy me or piss me off to the point where i feel like hitting one of ya. i also find it annoying that i can't talk to another gay guy that just be fucking friendly with me. they're either trying to get into my damn pants or try to hit me up with this whole diva attitude where i feel like strangling them. sorry, i just had to rant real quick.

If you were straight, you'd say the same thing. That it would only be good for a while, but then you'd get tired of sleeping with women, right? Same thing.

Being gay can definitely be hard for many individuals. We are all aware about the struggles still out there. There's just nothing we can do about other people. We have to just be happy with who we are. If you try and find the brighter side, than the bad things won't be as bad anymore. Don't worry about someone killing you or anything like that, because you'll make yourself paranoid!


As for meeting other gays, try finding other spots to meet them. A club? But a club in the traditional sense....Many other times you just meet people through random occasions. Keep your eyes peeled.

 

[refujiunderground]

If you were straight, you'd say the same thing. That it would only be good for a while, but then you'd get tired of sleeping with women, right? Same thing.

Being gay can definitely be hard for many individuals. We are all aware about the struggles still out there. There's just nothing we can do about other people. We have to just be happy with who we are. If you try and find the brighter side, than the bad things won't be as bad anymore. Don't worry about someone killing you or anything like that, because you'll make yourself paranoid!


As for meeting other gays, try finding other spots to meet them. A club? But a club in the traditional sense....Many other times you just meet people through random occasions. Keep your eyes peeled.

if gaydar was real, this would be all good. i kind of have my eyes set on one guy that i saw at the guy who is a model that happens to be at the gym. i'm not going to say that i think he's gay because i do not know and i could be wrong but i wish he was gay. he's probably a straight guy though. he's hot, i think all the guys here would be on his dick. well, i'll probably say hi to him even though he makes me nervous because i like him, i guess.

 

[TheOscar]

if gaydar was real, this would be all good. i kind of have my eyes set on one guy that i saw at the guy who is a model that happens to be at the gym. i'm not going to say that i think he's gay because i do not know and i could be wrong but i wish he was gay. he's probably a straight guy though. he's hot, i think all the guys here would be on his dick. well, i'll probably say hi to him even though he makes me nervous because i like him, i guess.

That's a great idea! And you never really know, that guy could be gay. Worth a shot, right?

 

[refujiunderground]

Refujiii: could your place of residence be a factor? Maybe you're just not around the right kind of gay guys.

Different places attract different kinds of gay guys. For example, do you consider yourself an intellectual? A place like Reno or Vegas might not be for you. Instead, go to Raleigh, NC, where a lot of gay intellectuals live.

Do you get into the cowboy thing? Look up Santa Fe. Stay away from Boston.

Do you consider yourself a gay conservative? Maybe Salt Lake City would be better than San Francisco.

Are you a LTR kind of guy? Mill Valley, CA would be better than Castro Street in San Francisco.

And so on.

to me residency isn't so much of a problem actually. it's more so of getting to meet other gay guys. i live in new jersey which means i have to go to new york to interact with other gay guys and i happen to live around area where there really is no place for gay people to meet. the irony of it however is that the town i live in is supposed to be gay friendly being that it has a significant number of gay couples and people that live here. the nearest lgbt center over here is down in new brunswick and that's about a 40 to 50 minute drive out there and the hours are limited. i don't live in new york so any connection i make with anyone over in new york is limited plus i'm not there all the time. being that new york has all of the resources and jersey doesn't and i have to roam around in complete secrecy since i'm not out yet, i'm forced to go to new york where i have limited interaction with gay guys for a certain amount of time. . i don't think i would have much of a problem interacting with other gay guys. except for gay clubs and bars which are far and few inbetween and college campuses if you're in college, there is no lgbt community or area around here at all to meet other gay men unless you have grindr, go on craigslist or whatever. gaydar is pretty much how other gay guys meet other gay guys so if you're in the closet, you pretty much are fucked because you will run into a gay guy out here. for the most part, people keep within their own circles here. i would go to a gay bar over here but most of them are distant as hell and i don't feel comfortable going alone. there also are no support groups out here or clubs. smh. it sucks that i don't have a car either.


jersey is fucked up like that. we don't have shit.

 

[refujiunderground]

That's a great idea! And you never really know, that guy could be gay. Worth a shot, right?

yeah, he could be but i think i'm going to let him make the first move though. i don't want to out myself at the gym like that.

 

[pai mei]

well, i dunno about that. some people are cool, others are dickheads. i'm not beating myself up about that because i know how it works already. people will be people. i tend to be a paranoid dude where i think that there are people out to get me or people don't like my ass for whatever reason when that's not even the case. i blow shit out of proportion.

however, this whole process on being gay is hard and the way things are going on in my life as well as the people i'm dealing with makes it even worse. i just can't run away from it either.

u sound like a typical, spoiled, hetero, ufc-watching, light drug using, 20 year old.

in other words you sound like a wannabe tough guy nerd who's very insecure deepdown, and who's only purpose is to annoy me.

you're not even out, obviously you wish you were straight. how many closet cases are 'proud' to be gay? almost none, hence being closeted. once you come out, then get back to me and tell me about your problems and maybe you'll find a sympathetic ear.

but you wont will you, because you have, "99 problems", and like jay-z, a bitch aint one. of course, you have enough time to interact with extremely effeminate men, who havn't been killed by mobs of homophobes, and then criticise them and hate them for being and doing what you secretely wish you could be/do.

 

[refujiunderground]

u sound like a typical, spoiled, hetero, ufc-watching, light drug using, 20 year old.

in other words you sound like a wannabe tough guy nerd who's very insecure deepdown, and who's only purpose is to annoy me.

you're not even out, obviously you wish you were straight. how many closet cases are 'proud' to be gay? almost none, hence being closeted. once you come out, then get back to me and tell me about your problems and maybe you'll find a sympathetic ear.

but you wont will you, because you have, "99 problems", and like jay-z, a bitch aint one. of course, you have enough time to interact with extremely effeminate men, who havn't been killed by mobs of homophobes, and then criticise them and hate them for being and doing what you secretely wish you could be/do.

are you serious?

who said that i wanted your sympathy. aren't you getting ahead of yourself right there.

you know, if you think it's easy to be in my position and live my life, i'll pass my life over to you since you seem so interested in living it. i'll give you my 99 problems and i'll see how well you would manage with them since you tell me about how my life is better than i can. you seem like you know how to figure all my problems out and come out the closet to some closed minded people who don't even like gay people. let's switch places. i'll pay for your way to fly over here since you're so interested.

this is what i don't get with people such as yourself. you came out the closet and made it to the other side. that's great. not everybody is like you. some of us come from places and are around people that happen to be family members, acquaintances, friends and neighbors that will hurt you if they found out you were gay. yes, some of us actually care about what we lose and to be honest with you, we're not ready to lose it yet because we're not at a point in our life where we can afford to do that yet. maybe when you were 15 or 16, you didn't have to worry about that because of your age, people showed you some mercy like "you're a gay teenager so we'll give you a break". i don't know which age you came out but hey... i can tell from the words coming out your mouth, you didn't have anything bad happen to you in the process. see, i would expect you to understand that but you can't even grip this basic concept because you're out and i'm not. i still live with my parents. i'm still searching for a decent job. i don't have a car. if i get kicked out my parent's house, i have nowhere to go except the homeless shelter or maybe one of my friend's home if their parent's decide to let me in. i'm pretty much by myself on this shit. i can't call anybody to help my ass if i get jammed on this. what are counselors going to do besides refer to me to some other shit. you probably had like 10 other people having your back and then you got the nerve to talk like you want to be in my position. you wouldn't be able to handle my shit if i passed it to you so don't talk like you know me.

i don't know what it's like where you live. i sure would like to trade places with you if i didn't have to risk being disowned or getting my ass beat for coming out the closet to whoever. then you have the nerve to talk shit as if you would come out the closet to get punched in the face, losing your whole family or chased out your neighborhood. stop it. next time, don't speak on stuff you don't know of. that's why i ignore anybody here that talks about "you're closeted, you're not out. try coming out first" as if they know my situation or can speak for me. thank you.

it sucks that i can't verbal attack people on this site because trying to be civil isn't my style. some of these people do deserve the insults.

 

[Soilwork]

Cry me a river.

I grew up a gay kid in a very remote and rural farming village of 1500 people.

In the 80s at the height of the AIDS crisis and hysteria about gay people and there was NO internet, no Trevor Project, no Prayers for Bobby, no GSAs at any schools, no "It gets better" videos or any other lifeline for young gay men such as myself.

I was 100% alone and on my own. And so were MANY of us here who are over about 35.

And you know what?

I still managed to have some balls, stop feeling fatalist and sorry for myself and ended up with a pretty rocking life. And so can you.

But step one is to stop thinking that you're the only young gay man who doesn't know where to start and wishes he could be straight. You can't. you might as well deal with it in a positive way.

This is your life, there are no do-overs.

 

[refujiunderground]

Cry me a river.

I grew up a gay kid in a very remote and rural farming village of 1500 people.

In the 80s at the height of the AIDS crisis and hysteria about gay people and there was NO internet, no Trevor Project, no Prayers for Bobby, no GSAs at any schools, no "It gets better" videos or any other lifeline for young gay men such as myself.

I was 100% alone and on my own. And so were MANY of us here who are over about 35.

And you know what?

I still managed to have some balls, stop feeling fatalist and sorry for myself and ended up with a pretty rocking life. And so can you.

But step one is to stop thinking that you're the only young gay man who doesn't know where to start and wishes he could be straight. You can't. you might as well deal with it in a positive way.

This is your life, there are no do-overs.

you're right. i think i need to make sure i have a good living situation first before i come out because i know i can't be out and live here. not with my crazy ass father. i know he might try to do some shit to me if he finds out that i'm gay. i'm trying to get a stable job so i can move out my parent's house.

 

[Soilwork]

you're right. i think i need to make sure i have a good living situation first before i come out because i know i can't be out and live here. not with my crazy ass father. i know he might try to do some shit to me if he finds out that i'm gay. i'm trying to get a stable job so i can move out my parent's house.

You see how much more productive and pro-active that tiny post was than the rest of the thread?

Good for you.

You just made a tiny step towards a life you will like.

 

[refujiunderground]

You see how much more productive and pro-active that tiny post was than the rest of the thread?

Good for you.

You just made a tiny step towards a life you will like.

but trill talk though, even if everything went well in my life such as me coming out, having a place of my own, and a job even, judging from your observations of me in this posts and some of the others you may have seen, is it safe to assume that i probably could be a nutcase? just saying.... i think i'm emotionally unstable and have something wrong with me upstairs.

 

[pai mei]

are you serious?

who said that i wanted your sympathy. aren't you getting ahead of yourself right there.

you know, if you think it's easy to be in my position and live my life, i'll pass my life over to you since you seem so interested in living it. i'll give you my 99 problems and i'll see how well you would manage with them since you tell me about how my life is better than i can. you seem like you know how to figure all my problems out and come out the closet to some closed minded people who don't even like gay people. let's switch places. i'll pay for your way to fly over here since you're so interested.

this is what i don't get with people such as yourself. you came out the closet and made it to the other side. that's great. not everybody is like you. some of us come from places and are around people that happen to be family members, acquaintances, friends and neighbors that will hurt you if they found out you were gay. yes, some of us actually care about what we lose and to be honest with you, we're not ready to lose it yet because we're not at a point in our life where we can afford to do that yet. maybe when you were 15 or 16, you didn't have to worry about that because of your age, people showed you some mercy like "you're a gay teenager so we'll give you a break". i don't know which age you came out but hey... i can tell from the words coming out your mouth, you didn't have anything bad happen to you in the process. see, i would expect you to understand that but you can't even grip this basic concept because you're out and i'm not. i still live with my parents. i'm still searching for a decent job. i don't have a car. if i get kicked out my parent's house, i have nowhere to go except the homeless shelter or maybe one of my friend's home if their parent's decide to let me in. i'm pretty much by myself on this shit. i can't call anybody to help my ass if i get jammed on this. what are counselors going to do besides refer to me to some other shit. you probably had like 10 other people having your back and then you got the nerve to talk like you want to be in my position. you wouldn't be able to handle my shit if i passed it to you so don't talk like you know me.

i don't know what it's like where you live. i sure would like to trade places with you if i didn't have to risk being disowned or getting my ass beat for coming out the closet to whoever. then you have the nerve to talk shit as if you would come out the closet to get punched in the face, losing your whole family or chased out your neighborhood. stop it. next time, don't speak on stuff you don't know of. that's why i ignore anybody here that talks about "you're closeted, you're not out. try coming out first" as if they know my situation or can speak for me. thank you.

it sucks that i can't verbal attack people on this site because trying to be civil isn't my style. some of these people do deserve the insults.

im responding to you, not your situation. seems confusing, but it really isnt. i have a lot of sympathy for closetted guys, and i believe that people will come out when they're ready. and i also dont think people should be criticized for having difficulties in coming out.

look ive been there, and you're wrong, i had a very hard time coming out, even, or perhaps especially, to myself. i had been over it in my head many times, my contingency plans i mean. i was prepared to lose everyone. i had back up plans. i remember thinking that if thibgs didnt go well my whole life would change, that id have to stay a night at a friends house and go looking for apartments the very next and charge everything to my credit card at first, get a minimum wage job, and that would be my life.

those are the exact words i told myself too, i remember very clearly. i also remember thinking to myself that i never remembered seeing an obviously gay guy in my entire life. (which thinking back, wasnt even true, but whatevr) i live in a small mining community, faaaar away from any major cities, 8 hours away in fact, i was prepared to possibly have no one.


believe me, i sympathize. i used to refuse to even think about being gay, ive also went and got the knives to see how easy it would be to hurt myself in preparation for killing myself, so dont assume i just came flying out of the closet at 15 and everything is wonderful.

i dont mean to criticise the difficulties of your situation, but you just come off extremely poorly to me, and i dont like the attitude ive seen. maybe its just because it reminds me of someone i dont like, im not sure, (it does, btw) but its just coming off so 'woe is me' and 'better than everyone else,' somehow at the same time... maybe it was your comments about how annoying lots of gay guys are, how you just wanna dtrangle them, or whatever wording you used... you know, the effeminate guys who are pretty fucking brave in my estimation.

 

[palbert]

.... portion deleted....You can keep complaining about how terrible your life is or you can start working to fix it. It is what you make it and as long as you are content with being miserable you will continue to be just that.

What he said: fully agree; and life ain't ever gonna be perfect.