Straight Lad with a Problem

[cityboi]

^ Yes, you do have to have an honest talk with him. Then maybe some time away from him.

 

[backpacker]

First, let me say thanks for being such a good and supportive friend. He's lucky to have a friend like you.

I'm sure this has been a very difficult time for both of you. He will probably continue to pine after you until he gets someone in his life that reciprocates his feelings. The best thing you can do is encourage him to seek out a boyfriend. Help him look for a guy. Read personal ads together, help him write a personal ad, maybe go to gay bars with him (include your girlfriend), encourage him to join gay groups or whatever else you can think of in your area. Most universities have some type of gay group. If yours has one, make sure he joins it. You helping him look for a guy will serve two purposes. First, the obvious of him finding someone. The second is that if you are active in the search he will start to realize that you have no interest in him sexually.

With regard to his advances toward you, you need to make it clear in no uncertain terms that it's inappropriate and not welcome. Start by telling him flat out that nothing romantic is ever going to happen with you. Don't sugar coat it, but also don't be mean. Reassure him that you will still be his best friend, but he needs to stop hitting on you. If he doesn't stop hitting on you, it could change the friendship. You need to be dead serious when you have the talk. Don't laugh or make it seem like it's a joke in anyway. If after that talk he continues to hit on you, in a firm voice say something like "Please don't do that, it's inappropriate and I don't like it." Repeat as often as is necessary. It may take him some time for him to emotionally believe what you are saying.

If you try the above and it doesn't work, then the best thing you can do is distance yourself a little from him. That doesn't mean drop him as a friend. Just don't be as available to him. That may force him to turn you desires to more appropriate guys and make him realize that he is messing up his friendship with you. If he questions you about the distance, tell him why.

Good luck and thanks for being so compassionate.

 

[fjancsi80]

You are a really good friend, most straight guys would simply drop him immediately. You should know that most gay guys go through a similar phase in life - we tend to fall in love with our best friend, especially when somebody is young and just discovering his sexuality. You are the closest person for him (except his family) and he may be confused, unstable and yearning for intimacy. And "converting" a straight best friend is the most typical gay dream. Many gay guys retain a fetish for straight dicks even in later life

On the practical level the advices above are probably the best. Try to support him as a friend but draw clear lines. He needs to know the he hasn't got any chance with you, no "experimenting", no drunken nights, no "friendly" hugging. Realising this he will move on and begin to look for a boyfriend.

 

[KaraBulut]

Ok, sorry for bothering you's but didn't know where else to look for help and advice.

First of all, you're not bothering us.

It is good that you are trying to maintain a supportive friendship with him.

Understand that a lot of friendships start with an attraction. For straight guys, that attraction is taken for granted as just being what "best buds" feel for each other. For gay guys, it's much more confusing because love between friends is also a lot like love between lovers. Sometimes it's hard to tell the two feelings apart.

What you have to do is exactly the same thing that you would do if a close female friend developed a crush on you. You would say:

• I have a girlfriend
• I love you as a friend
• But it will never be what you want it to be. Make it clear that never means never.

If your friend cannot live with these terms, then he needs to put some space between the two of you until he gets his feelings under control.

Ever since he's told me all this he's been really different, acting more 'gay' (in the stereotypical gay way) when around me, touching me inappropriately and just basically hanging around me.

We often comment that being in the closet is like having to hold your breath all the time because you have watch every gesture, every pronoun (saying "she" instead of "he")- indeed, you have to screen everything you say and do so that you don't slip up.

So, now your friend has come out. He finally feels like he can exhale and relax around you. It will be a while before he finds the level of "gayness" that is right for him.

If his touching and hanging around makes you uncomfortable then you need to tell him so. Don't say, "You're being too gay". Just say, "The way that you are touching me makes me uncomfortable". He needs to hear how it makes you feel. He needs to hear that you do not want him to touch you that way again.

Some of this will resolve on its own when he finds gay friends and he finds a boyfriend. Until then it may be a bit rocky. You deserve a lot of credit for posting here and trying to find a solution so that you can keep your friend and be a friend at the same time.

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB! Although I have a feeling this one might be more temporary than most newbies.

The advice above is all sound. He's almost certainly simply ecstatic at finally being out. And since you're his friend, and are being so accepting, he's developed some feelings for you. It happens. You'll see a lot of threads in this section from guys in your friend's shoes. Our advice to them would be my advice to him - cool down. You're a great friend, and he shouldn't jeopardize it by pushing limits.

You can be both supportive AND cut him off at the pass. Any time he does anything that makes you feel more than a bit uncomfortable, call him out on it. "I really don't like you touching me that way. So I'd rather you didn't do that anymore, OK?" And if he keeps hanging around, just plan some more alone time. Tell him "I think it's great that you're out now. But I do need to get some more alone time in with my girlfriend."

Lex

 

[racer2438]

You need to have a good sit down talk and let him know how you feel and why it bothers you and that it must stop.

Since you have not said anything firmly he thinks he has a greeen light to do what he is doing.

So a calm talk and tell him your fine with him and you dont want any problems, you want to stay friends, enough is enough.

He may not like it and feel turned away but tell him that your not shutting him out, but that what he is doing is just not for you.

So give him his talk and tell him that is what needs to happen. He can be ask gay /femme/butch as he wants but that does not give him the right to do what he is doing.


Good luck

 

[G-Lexington]

Point 1. Friends like you for who you are, not who you pretend to be. You became friends with him because you liked him, not because he was straight. That's going to be true of everybody. If they like him straight, they'll like him gay. There's no reason to "keep it hidden" until later in the friendship.

Point 2. So you were drunk and kissed him. BFD. I've had drunk straight guys kiss me, paw at me, dry hump me. Does that mean they're gay? No, it means they're drunk. That's what drunk people do. In vino veritas only goes so far.

Point 3. Just don't answer all the texts. If he texts "have I done something wrong", don't answer that either. When you have some spare time, feel free to text back and say "Sorry - I was busy", give a quick answer, and then get on with your life.

Honestly, you might send him our way. He may need someone a bit removed from the situation to tell him to cool it off a tad. Or a lot.

Lex

 

[hanzosword]

I agree with everyone else. He is just gonna have to back off and just be your friend once you tell him how you feel. I'm curious though, what happened during your curiosity phase?

 

[G-Lexington]

You might also send him to our sister site, Empty Closets. That an all-ages forum, no porn, more friendly, less horny. Either/or.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

2 more points I forgot to include:

- When he came out to me (although tbh I did really know already) he told me that he doesn't want anyone else to know until next year at Uni (September). He said something about he wants to have proper friends here before he comes out so that they don't all run away.

This makes perfect sense. Right now, you're the only one that he can relax and be himself around. You're getting the mega-dose of gay while he pretends to be straight everywhere else.

...apparently I thanked him for bringing me home (although I did call him Freddie) and kissed him. Anyway he keeps bringing this up saying that being drunk brings out your true feelings but I was just really drunk, the fact that I seriously can't remember it shows how much I'd drunk that night.

Doesn't matter. Even if you both ended up naked and having hot-sweaty-butt-sex on the kitchen table, it doesn't matter. You don't consider yourself gay. You have a girlfriend. You just want to be friends with him and nothing more. That's all that matters.

It's not possible to turn someone gay with inappropriate gestures, incessant text messages and all the other things he's doing. He needs to cool it down.

Cheers. I might actually tell him about this forum to see if he's interested. Hopefully it'll mean less stuff put on just me.

You can also print out this thread and send it or read it to him.

I was just curious. You know when you go through puberty and you get turned on by practically everything? I just got aroused by gay sex, watched some gay porn then after a bit it didn't really turn me on anymore and I stopped.

Well, you've already said that you've experimented with guys and you're comfortable where you're at with your girlfriend.

Don't worry about getting off to gay porn. We all know of guys who experimented with other guys either when they were horny teenagers or during the wild college years.

From a practical standpoint, guys are situational sexual. We're curious about sex and we're curious about the human body. Most of us wouldn't turn down a blowjob from a guy or a girl if it were offered.

But as you get older, it's like a fog that lifts. Sometimes when the fog lifts, you figure out that you like girls. Some guys realize that they like boys. If you're really lucky, you like it all.

 

[Pringle]

Hey Ron - I have nothing to add to the advice given - all sounds pretty good to me.

Just wanted to thank you for posting this - it is almost refreshing to hear this situation from the "other side". As some have mentioned this is a very common rite of passage for a gay man and one that does pass.

It shows what a good friend you are in that you have spent the time researching this rather than just becoming a closed shop. I think it is a great idea to point him in the direction of this site (or Emptyclosets) but you might want to give this thread time to die before you do

 

[andy12]

There's fewer things worse than someone loving you. You need to break his heart as hard as possible.

 

[Oceansluver78]

Stay classy San Diego

 

[Little Beaver]

Hi Ron, I am writing this as only to you. I have not read any of the other replies to your post yet, so as not to be influenced by what others have said. No offence to anyone. First you need to tell this dude in no uncertain terms. Get over it or take a hike. I think this might be a big problem in gay /straight friendships or even gay/gay friendships. If he wont respect your feelings, then by all means drop him!I can relate two experiences I have had with this problem. The first was in highschool. Those crazy confusing years of adolescence. Dug and I grew up together and were very close friends. We had the usual puberty sex play when 12-13, but this grew into intimacy and continued through to our early twenties. Long story short... he dated girls, grew up straight. I grew up gay with a dead end puppy love crush on him. He went into denial. I went into total frustration. While drinking more than a few beers, one of the most honest things he ever said to me was, "Dave, it just doesnt work." This made me think. I new our mixed up friendship was over. It was best for both of us. The second was with a straight co worker. By this time I was a little more mature and every thing worked out fine. To my gay brothers/sisters, whatever, if we want we want to be more accepted by straight men, how about a little respect! OK?

 

[backpacker]

Spoke to him today and told him what's what. I took most of the advice given and we had a really long and productive talk.

I told him about the forum so you might hear from him depending on whether he signs up or just has a read.

Good job! Hopefully that takes care of the problem and you guys can get back to enjoying your friendship. If he joins JUB, I'm sure he will be welcomed and find support here.

 

[relaxin13]

You're a good friend.

I have nothing more to contribute, as anything I would have mentioned has already been said. (thumbs-up to everyone)

 

[Telstra]

i have nothing to add.

question for Ron,
how did you find this site? by google search or ... ?

 

[KaraBulut]

yeah, I googled it then found a link off another site.

Reet, I'm going to bow out now. Cheers again fellas and keep smiling

Thanks for joining.

If you don't mind and you remember it- please stop by in the future and give us an update. We like to hear how things go but it's also interesting to hear about this from the perspective of the person on the receiving end of the crush.

 

[AlmostFamous]

Hi guys. I'm Luke, James told me about his advice he got on here and I understand I was a bit out of line.

However, just to make things clear. That night when he kissed me he wanted to take it further, he even started taking off my shirt and groping me. I would have loved to but didn't want to lose my virginity by taking advantage of a drunk friend. and he could remember it, in the morning he begged me not to tell his lass what he was like (like i would even tell her)

I know I've been a bit of an idiot around him but i cant help myself atm. i don't know any other gays nd i dnt really wanna be out with randommers. I just feel really lonely when i think ive never loved anyone, ive had lasses but only really for show so never had proper feelings for them.

Going to the football match tomorrow with him, chance to drown my sorrows beforehand anyway lol. From the comments I've read on here you seem like nice people anyhow

 

[fjancsi80]

Hi, Luke, no wonder that you lost your head. Even a kiss would be more than enough for me

But he seems to be firmly on the straight side now, so you can't hope anything. When I was in the same situation with my straight friend, it was a totally frustrating and painful period for me which lasted about a year. He was not so generous and open minded like Ron here although not a bad guy either. In an honest moment he told me: "I am fed up with your strange behaviour. I would like to get back the old Andrew or leave my life." In the end we remained friends.