Straight Lad with a Problem

[Ryuukie]

You answered your own question. It's the last line you wrote:

I don't want to lose him as a mate but I want him to stop this obsession he has with me.

Just keep telling him that until he gets the message.

 

[AlmostFamous]

and if I had a pound for everytime I had that thought I wouldn't have a mortgage anymore. lol.

Welcome to JUB - I think from what I have read you would certainly benefit from using this place as an outlet. I don't come here as much anymore, but I certainly know that the bits of time I used to spend here were more help than I ever imagined possible and to be honest I didn't even realise I needed somewhere like this at the time.

I thought I had my "closeted" life under control and just didn't let it bother me but coming out is one of the best things I have done and I now find myself in a happy relationship, which compliments the rest of my life and didn't (as I feared) change all the other bits that were already very good.

Not saying that anyone here has all the answers because quite frankly no one does (although some would like you to think that they do). The difficult things still have to be done by you alone and take your own circumstances into account, but a place like this can make it feel less lonley and for me it gave me a chance to work out who I was in a safe environment before I took on the "real world". Nothing has to be rushed and its important to do things at your own pace.

The gay scene is not my style either - doesn't seem a lot of point as none of my mates would there. So you are not alone in that opinion.

This is your thread now - so don't hesitate to raise anything that might be on your mind, because you will always get some positive perspective on it.

Good luck with it all and I hope you keep close to that good friend of yours.

See ya around

Thanks. I never had even thought about advise forum until James had suggested it, but it has really helped me clear my head.
---------
I ended up telling one of my housemates whilst watching TV tonight, we were the only ones in and I just came out with it. His response was "Are ya? alright, always thought there was something different about you" lol :-D We had a little chat and he was fine with it, hope all of them are like this.

 

[Pringle]

Thanks. I never had even thought about advise forum until James had suggested it, but it has really helped me clear my head.
---------
I ended up telling one of my housemates whilst watching TV tonight, we were the only ones in and I just came out with it. His response was "Are ya? alright, always thought there was something different about you" lol :-D We had a little chat and he was fine with it, hope all of them are like this.

You are welcome and yeah if 3 years ago someone had told me I would have used the internet for help I would have laughed in there face but I am less judgemental these days.

And well done for that step ^ - we (the gay population) make such a big deal about it in our heads we are sometimes underwhelmed (sp) by how some people just roll with it. It can leave us wondering what all the fuss was about.

Hope they all turn out as easy as that.

 

[AlmostFamous]

Told my other housemates today, all but one took it well but he was told by the others to grow up or fuck off lol.

Thanks for the advice been feeling much happier about myself today.

 

[Telstra]

Told my other housemates today, all but one took it well but he was told by the others to grow up or fuck off lol.

Thanks for the advice been feeling much happier about myself today.

that one "might" be into men ...

 

[954dude]

This is the most sound advice for a situation we've all been in. The cards are right in front of you, play them smart and wise!

 

[Pringle]

Told my other housemates today, all but one took it well but he was told by the others to grow up or fuck off lol.

Thanks for the advice been feeling much happier about myself today.

Well bugger me senseless and call me homo - that is some good going fella!!!!!

I'd offer some congratulations but I don't think you need it - you seem to have this thing sussed at the moment.

What good company you keep - friends that were prepared to tell this other guy to get with it.

I hope others read this thread for inspiration - the journey might not be over but that is one hell of a happy start

 

[watcha77]

you have to get instantly and visibly mad when he does anything in appropriate its the only way i think.

 

[Paladin]

Told my other housemates today, all but one took it well but he was told by the others to grow up or fuck off lol.

Thanks for the advice been feeling much happier about myself today.

Well done. And you know, you may find that simply by being out among your peers, other like-minded guys will make approaches to you who wouldn't have dreamed of it before. It's one main benefit of being out. That, and the peace of mind you will have from not holding everything in anymore.

 

[AlmostFamous]

Hi again,

Came home yesterday from uni to see some mates and go to a very important football match on Sunday. Anyway thanks to my bright spark mate posting a comment on facebook my brother has found out and decided it was only right to tell my parents.

So to cut a long story short, last night we had a very long talk about me thinking I'm gay because people are telling me that. It ranged from "do you want to go to hell?" etc talk to where I can get help to change talk

Was so pissed off I just sat there

 

[seven_sins]

We are all pulling for you man. Now that your parents know, you no longer have to live in fear of them finding out. I hope they come to accept you as you are without intimidating you and trying to change you. If you need more support with the family, you might be able to find it at PFLAG (http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194). Good luck man.

 

[Telstra]

Hi again,

Came home yesterday from uni to see some mates and go to a very important football match on Sunday. Anyway thanks to my bright spark mate posting a comment on facebook my brother has found out and decided it was only right to tell my parents.

So to cut a long story short, last night we had a very long talk about me thinking I'm gay because people are telling me that. It ranged from "do you want to go to hell?" etc talk to where I can get help to change talk

Was so pissed off I just sat there

i can imagine the scene ..... the drama while "you sat there"
would be interesting to hear those conversations.

 

[backpacker]

Hi again,

Came home yesterday from uni to see some mates and go to a very important football match on Sunday. Anyway thanks to my bright spark mate posting a comment on facebook my brother has found out and decided it was only right to tell my parents.

So to cut a long story short, last night we had a very long talk about me thinking I'm gay because people are telling me that. It ranged from "do you want to go to hell?" etc talk to where I can get help to change talk

Was so pissed off I just sat there

Gee thanks to your mate and brother. I'm sorry to hear that your parents didn't take the news well. I suppose the good news is that at least your secret is out and you don't need to worry about how and when to tell your parents. You can now start working on getting them to accept or at least respect that you are gay.

Keep in mind that parents often go through stages of acceptance. The stages typically include denial, "it's a phase", you can change if you try, "don't ask, don't tell", etc. Most parents tend to come to some level of acceptance over time. In the US there are organizations called PFLAG that can be of great help in dealing with your parents and helping them understand. I'm guessing that either PFLAG has chapters in your country or there is another group like them. Find a chapter near you and see if they can help you deal with your parents. Many of the parents there were just like your parents. I just watched a movie "Prayers for Bobby" about a former ultra conservative religious mother who became a big activist for PFLAG. Unfortunately it took the suicide of her son to change her view. That was decades ago and a lot of progress has been made since then. She still continues to fight for the cause. It will probably be a struggle dealing with your parents, but I think it will all be worth it in the end. I wish you the very best and don't be afraid to lean on your friends at JUB for support.

 

[AlmostFamous]

Gee thanks to your mate and brother. I'm sorry to hear that your parents didn't take the news well. I suppose the good news is that at least your secret is out and you don't need to worry about how and when to tell your parents. You can now start working on getting them to accept or at least respect that you are gay.

Keep in mind that parents often go through stages of acceptance. The stages typically include denial, "it's a phase", you can change if you try, "don't ask, don't tell", etc. Most parents tend to come to some level of acceptance over time. In the US there are organizations called PFLAG that can be of great help in dealing with your parents and helping them understand. I'm guessing that either PFLAG has chapters in your country or there is another group like them. Find a chapter near you and see if they can help you deal with your parents. Many of the parents there were just like your parents. I just watched a movie "Prayers for Bobby" about a former ultra conservative religious mother who became a big activist for PFLAG. Unfortunately it took the suicide of her son to change her view. That was decades ago and a lot of progress has been made since then. She still continues to fight for the cause. It will probably be a struggle dealing with your parents, but I think it will all be worth it in the end. I wish you the very best and don't be afraid to lean on your friends at JUB for support.

I'm pretty certain they'll never accept unfortunately. She's even been trying to get intouch with a priest in Birmingham who claims to do gay cures lol. didn't even know they existed tbh, you live and learn

Was talking to James and he thinks I should just act like I've been "converted" but I dunno, lying didn't help in the first place so

 

[homemadehuman]

I'm pretty certain they'll never accept unfortunately. She's even been trying to get intouch with a priest in Birmingham who claims to do gay cures lol. didn't even know they existed tbh, you live and learn

Was talking to James and he thinks I should just act like I've been "converted" but I dunno, lying didn't help in the first place so

i kinda agree with your friend,Lying won't do you any good and you shouldn't be forced to do anything you don't want to,but on the other hand it's hard enough that you have to deal with this (for some of us) confusing period of your evolving sexuality,to add the pressure of your family and friends,it's YOUR life,so tell'em to get off your back,or go with the flow and let them know what they wanna hear until you can find another solution.

and facebook has some privacy features to control other people's posts/comments on your profile,you may wanna check that out.

 

[goethe]

Time is a great healer - hopefully when your parents come around from the initial shock and disappointment of what they have just discovered they will calm down and start to understand your feelings and support you through this.

As has been already said the road to acceptance can often a long one with several different different emotional trials along the way. (The Five Stages of Grief are classed as: Denial -> Anger -> Bargaining -> Depression -> Acceptance). I think when my dad found out that I was gay and proceeded to shout names at me like 'faggot' and an 'uphill-gardener', whatever that means, he missed out the denial part lol. At that point I felt just as you do now, and I thought that I'd burnt my bridges with my parents. Thankfully the next day when I was sobbing away in my room and my dad had gone to work my mum came in and gave me a hug and said that she loved me no matter what and that my dad did too he just was having trouble accepting it.

I'm sure your parents love you too - they may be saying some absolutely crazy and hurtful things at the moment but this is their way of dealing with it. It's a painful process dealing with your prejudices face on and it will take them time. If your parents are strictly religious it will be even more difficult for them but they will always still love you. I've made up with my dad now, it took well over a year for him to acknowledge the fact that it wasn't something he had done wrong that made me like this or something that he could do to put it right. One day out of the blue he just burst into tears asking for forgiveness and telling me how much he loved me. It felt good being able to forgive him, put the issue to bed and be able to get on with my life. Although you've been forced out of the closet and you feel like shit right now you might look back on this day in a few years time and see it as a significant step forward in getting to the point of being comfortable in everyone knowing who you are.

That said, some parents may never fully come to terms with their child's sexuality and if that's the case with yours then it's just something they will have to live with. You are who you are, you didn't choose to be gay and you sure can't change it/'be cured' despite whatever divine powers this Priest in Brum may profess to have. Yes you can pretend to be straight for a while, or live a double-life or whatever but the only likely ultimate outcome of doing that is you will end up becoming miserable or living a life of regrets. This is your life - don't try and live it pleasing others at the detriment of your own happiness.

When you head back to uni take up on some of the advice in this thread, most English universities have several LGB support groups, sports clubs and social events. The only way to meet like-minded people is to get out there and take the plunge. You might be pleasantly surprised.

This thread has already proven you've got already got a great best friend to help you through this and he's already done you a massive favour by introducing you to JUB. More often than not there's someone on here who knows what you are going through and how you're feeling so you really aren't on your own.

I hope the footy at least gave you some reason to cheer this weekend, I pray for your sake that you aren't a Chelsea fan.

All the best - keep your chin up

 

[AlmostFamous]

Time is a great healer - hopefully when your parents come around from the initial shock and disappointment of what they have just discovered they will calm down and start to understand your feelings and support you through this.

As has been already said the road to acceptance can often a long one with several different different emotional trials along the way. (The Five Stages of Grief are classed as: Denial -> Anger -> Bargaining -> Depression -> Acceptance). I think when my dad found out that I was gay and proceeded to shout names at me like 'faggot' and an 'uphill-gardener', whatever that means, he missed out the denial part lol. At that point I felt just as you do now, and I thought that I'd burnt my bridges with my parents. Thankfully the next day when I was sobbing away in my room and my dad had gone to work my mum came in and gave me a hug and said that she loved me no matter what and that my dad did too he just was having trouble accepting it.

I'm sure your parents love you too - they may be saying some absolutely crazy and hurtful things at the moment but this is their way of dealing with it. It's a painful process dealing with your prejudices face on and it will take them time. If your parents are strictly religious it will be even more difficult for them but they will always still love you. I've made up with my dad now, it took well over a year for him to acknowledge the fact that it wasn't something he had done wrong that made me like this or something that he could do to put it right. One day out of the blue he just burst into tears asking for forgiveness and telling me how much he loved me. It felt good being able to forgive him, put the issue to bed and be able to get on with my life. Although you've been forced out of the closet and you feel like shit right now you might look back on this day in a few years time and see it as a significant step forward in getting to the point of being comfortable in everyone knowing who you are.

That said, some parents may never fully come to terms with their child's sexuality and if that's the case with yours then it's just something they will have to live with. You are who you are, you didn't choose to be gay and you sure can't change it/'be cured' despite whatever divine powers this Priest in Brum may profess to have. Yes you can pretend to be straight for a while, or live a double-life or whatever but the only likely ultimate outcome of doing that is you will end up becoming miserable or living a life of regrets. This is your life - don't try and live it pleasing others at the detriment of your own happiness.

When you head back to uni take up on some of the advice in this thread, most English universities have several LGB support groups, sports clubs and social events. The only way to meet like-minded people is to get out there and take the plunge. You might be pleasantly surprised.

This thread has already proven you've got already got a great best friend to help you through this and he's already done you a massive favour by introducing you to JUB. More often than not there's someone on here who knows what you are going through and how you're feeling so you really aren't on your own.

I hope the footy at least gave you some reason to cheer this weekend, I pray for your sake that you aren't a Chelsea fan.

All the best - keep your chin up

Not going back to Uni till tomorrow. Was supposed to be today but my mam wont let me go back in this weather lol. And no I'm not a Chelsea fan, Sunderland lad through and through.

 

[Kyanimal]

I think I've just learned something new! You're in the U.K.?? All the time reading this, I was picturing you somewhere like the "Heart of Kansas", or somewhere in the "Deep South" of the U.S.A.!! (And, no, I am not disparaging any of those places!)

What have I learned? It would seem that ALL of us, world wide, have much more in common than we realize! Our own problems are not as localized as we might believe! We are not as "alone" as we might think!

Yes, you are looking at a bit of a "rough patch"! But, please know that this, too, shall pass. For the immediate future, things might not seem to be going the way you would like them to. But, "Hang in There"! Give your family some time, consideration, and respect, for "suddenly", now, they are finding themselves having to deal with what you have already been trying to cope with for some time. They are, also, in need of some understanding, too.

Exactly how things will transpire, from this point, can not be precisely predicted. However, in general, all will eventually "calm down". Yes! There is a brighter future for you!!

To sum up all the great advice that has been offered, so far ... see my "siggy".

And, of course ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[backpacker]

Was talking to James and he thinks I should just act like I've been "converted" but I dunno, lying didn't help in the first place so

That solution would work for some people, but not for others. The problem with lying now is that it will probably make it all the harder to come out again later. Of course that may be worth it to you to avoid the harassment now.

Normally I would say it's a bad idea to go back in the closet, but your independence and education may be at risk. If your parents are paying for your schooling and you think that they may cut you off if you "remain" gay, then lying may be the best option. For some people, even that wouldn't be worth it. It's a personal decision that only you can make.

 

[AlmostFamous]

I think I've just learned something new! You're in the U.K.?? All the time reading this, I was picturing you somewhere like the "Heart of Kansas", or somewhere in the "Deep South" of the U.S.A.!! (And, no, I am not disparaging any of those places!)

What have I learned? It would seem that ALL of us, world wide, have much more in common than we realize! Our own problems are not as localized as we might believe! We are not as "alone" as we might think!

Yes, you are looking at a bit of a "rough patch"! But, please know that this, too, shall pass. For the immediate future, things might not seem to be going the way you would like them to. But, "Hang in There"! Give your family some time, consideration, and respect, for "suddenly", now, they are finding themselves having to deal with what you have already been trying to cope with for some time. They are, also, in need of some understanding, too.

Exactly how things will transpire, from this point, can not be precisely predicted. However, in general, all will eventually "calm down". Yes! There is a brighter future for you!!

To sum up all the great advice that has been offered, so far ... see my "siggy".

And, of course ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

Yup, the glory of England. Hate England, can't wait till I move away. Unfortunately time wont do much, they wont accept homosexuality. It's just the way they are and what they believe in.

That solution would work for some people, but not for others. The problem with lying now is that it will probably make it all the harder to come out again later. Of course that may be worth it to you to avoid the harassment now.

Normally I would say it's a bad idea to go back in the closet, but your independence and education may be at risk. If your parents are paying for your schooling and you think that they may cut you off if you "remain" gay, then lying may be the best option. For some people, even that wouldn't be worth it. It's a personal decision that only you can make.

I'm seriously contemplating it. Back at uni now so don't feel like I'm being watched every minute of the day lol.