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Tell me your dirtiest jokes!
- Thread starter lyconthrope
- Start date
Jeimuzu
The Ire Brigade
Ah, old people... y'can't beat 'em, can ya?
Pity...
It's a Peter Kay joke
Pity...
It's a Peter Kay joke
lyconthrope
Is The Alpha Female
ok I said dirtiest people, not most disturbing! lol
^ 
Q: What did the condom say to the other as they walked past the Gay Bar?
A: Ya wanna go in an get shit faced?
A: Ya wanna go in an get shit faced?
saebuffyboy
JUB Addict
not very dirty, but an ok start...
What's the differance between pink and purple...
His grip on your dick.
What's the differance between pink and purple...
His grip on your dick.
bimmrboy
Kitten Killin' Master
^ eeewwww
justsimon
Last Chance Jubber
Not really dirty, but oh well.
Johnny was sitting around the dinner table with his family when his dad asked him about his day at school.
"Well," said Johnny, "we're learning about the government. Can you explain it to me, please?"
"Sure," replied his dad, "How about an analogy? I make all the money so I'm Capitalism. You're mother makes all the rules and we have to follow them, so she's the Government. You're little brother, Davy, is the Future and our maid, who does most of the work around the house is the Working Class. And you're the one who has to deal with all of us, so you're the People."
Johnny listened while his dad continued. After a few minutes, he announced that it was time for bed and that Johnny should think about what he'd learned and talk to his dad again in the morning.
At around 1am, Johnny woke to the sound Davy crying in the other room. He stumbled out of bed and found poor, little Davy burdened with a dirty diaper. Johnny went to his parents' room, where his mother was sleeping, alone. As hard as he tried, he couldn't wake her.
With his dad missing, Johnny calmly walked back to Davy's room and changed his diaper for him. As he was walking back to his own room, he noticed a light on in the den. The door was open a crack so he quietly peered through. To his surprise, his father and the maid were going at it like rabbits on the sofa.
Not knowing what to do, Johnny walked back to his room and drifted off to sleep.
In the morning, over waffles, his father asked him if he'd come to any conclusions about government during the night.
"I sure have, Dad," Johnny replied, "The Government ignores the People, while Capitalism screws the Working Class... and the Future is full of shit!"
Johnny was sitting around the dinner table with his family when his dad asked him about his day at school.
"Well," said Johnny, "we're learning about the government. Can you explain it to me, please?"
"Sure," replied his dad, "How about an analogy? I make all the money so I'm Capitalism. You're mother makes all the rules and we have to follow them, so she's the Government. You're little brother, Davy, is the Future and our maid, who does most of the work around the house is the Working Class. And you're the one who has to deal with all of us, so you're the People."
Johnny listened while his dad continued. After a few minutes, he announced that it was time for bed and that Johnny should think about what he'd learned and talk to his dad again in the morning.
At around 1am, Johnny woke to the sound Davy crying in the other room. He stumbled out of bed and found poor, little Davy burdened with a dirty diaper. Johnny went to his parents' room, where his mother was sleeping, alone. As hard as he tried, he couldn't wake her.
With his dad missing, Johnny calmly walked back to Davy's room and changed his diaper for him. As he was walking back to his own room, he noticed a light on in the den. The door was open a crack so he quietly peered through. To his surprise, his father and the maid were going at it like rabbits on the sofa.
Not knowing what to do, Johnny walked back to his room and drifted off to sleep.
In the morning, over waffles, his father asked him if he'd come to any conclusions about government during the night.
"I sure have, Dad," Johnny replied, "The Government ignores the People, while Capitalism screws the Working Class... and the Future is full of shit!"
i like that oneNot really dirty, but oh well.
Johnny was sitting around the dinner table with his family when his dad asked him about his day at school.
"Well," said Johnny, "we're learning about the government. Can you explain it to me, please?"
"Sure," replied his dad, "How about an analogy? I make all the money so I'm Capitalism. You're mother makes all the rules and we have to follow them, so she's the Government. You're little brother, Davy, is the Future and our maid, who does most of the work around the house is the Working Class. And you're the one who has to deal with all of us, so you're the People."
Johnny listened while his dad continued. After a few minutes, he announced that it was time for bed and that Johnny should think about what he'd learned and talk to his dad again in the morning.
At around 1am, Johnny woke to the sound Davy crying in the other room. He stumbled out of bed and found poor, little Davy burdened with a dirty diaper. Johnny went to his parents' room, where his mother was sleeping, alone. As hard as he tried, he couldn't wake her.
With his dad missing, Johnny calmly walked back to Davy's room and changed his diaper for him. As he was walking back to his own room, he noticed a light on in the den. The door was open a crack so he quietly peered through. To his surprise, his father and the maid were going at it like rabbits on the sofa.
Not knowing what to do, Johnny walked back to his room and drifted off to sleep.
In the morning, over waffles, his father asked him if he'd come to any conclusions about government during the night.
"I sure have, Dad," Johnny replied, "The Government ignores the People, while Capitalism screws the Working Class... and the Future is full of shit!"
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Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young married couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young married couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
- Joined
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^
Can't wait to tell my friends that one!
Mines not as good as that one, but here goes.
A gay couple were sharing a bottle of wine when the first guy said, “I bet you can’t tell me something that’ll make me both happy and sad at the same time”.
The second guy thought about if for a few moments, and then said,
“Your cock’s bigger than your brother’s .”
Jeimuzu
The Ire Brigade
Again, not a joke, particularly.
Having a girlfriend would take time, and the more time you spend, the more money she demands.
Therefore, Girls = Time X Money
Now, as business has proven, time is money.
Therefore Girls = Money²
Everyone has been told a million times that money is the root of all evil;
Money = Root(Evil)
Therefore
Evil = Money²
And therefore,
Girls = Evil.
Now isn't that odd? (My eldest brother told me that one)
Having a girlfriend would take time, and the more time you spend, the more money she demands.
Therefore, Girls = Time X Money
Now, as business has proven, time is money.
Therefore Girls = Money²
Everyone has been told a million times that money is the root of all evil;
Money = Root(Evil)
Therefore
Evil = Money²
And therefore,
Girls = Evil.
Now isn't that odd?
(My eldest brother told me that one)
handyman22
Porn Star
- Joined
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Florida - Flea Paradise
One early winter's day two little fleas were heading for the warm sunny beaches of Florida to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and little flea legs. Just then the second flea arrived just shivering and shaking.
The first flea asked, "Whatever happened to you?"
To which the second replied "I just rode here on a bikers mustache and I'm soooooo cooolllddd"
The first flea said' "Don't you know the special trick to get here? First, you go to the airport, go straight to the men's toilet, wait for a young pilot to come along and when he sits down you climb right between his butt cheeks where it's nice and warm."
The second flea agreed that was a good idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for Florida again. The first flea arrives beginning to put the suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. Just then the second flea arrives, again shivvering, shaking and mumbling how cold it was.
The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that i taught you about getting here nice and warm?"
To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said. I went to the airport, went straight to the toilet and than this young pilot came in and sat down. I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke up and there I was, right back on the biker's mustache!"
One early winter's day two little fleas were heading for the warm sunny beaches of Florida to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and little flea legs. Just then the second flea arrived just shivering and shaking.
The first flea asked, "Whatever happened to you?"
To which the second replied "I just rode here on a bikers mustache and I'm soooooo cooolllddd"
The first flea said' "Don't you know the special trick to get here? First, you go to the airport, go straight to the men's toilet, wait for a young pilot to come along and when he sits down you climb right between his butt cheeks where it's nice and warm."
The second flea agreed that was a good idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for Florida again. The first flea arrives beginning to put the suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. Just then the second flea arrives, again shivvering, shaking and mumbling how cold it was.
The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that i taught you about getting here nice and warm?"
To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said. I went to the airport, went straight to the toilet and than this young pilot came in and sat down. I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke up and there I was, right back on the biker's mustache!"
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Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their partners were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."
Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."
First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."
Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."
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It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.
The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.
The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...
The captain comes along with his swagger stick.
He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.
"No, Sir!" came the reply.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.
He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"
The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.
The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...
The captain comes along with his swagger stick.
He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.
"No, Sir!" came the reply.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.
He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"
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John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
bimmrboy
Kitten Killin' Master
^ Nice