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Tell me your dirtiest jokes!

callmewhenursober said:
10 Things You Should Never Say to a Naked Man

1 This explains your car.
2 I never saw one like that before.
3 But it still works, right?
4 Are you cold?
5 I guess this makes me the early bird.
6 Ahhhh, it's cute.
7 Can I be honest with you?
8 Maybe it looks better in natural light.
9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10 Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
Click to expand...

:lol:

Shit, all these jokes posted in this thread are gold!!!

Love this thread!!

Here's another.

A man walks into the bar and orders three double-shots of vodka.

The bartender asks, "that's a lot of liquor, what's the problem?"

The man replies, "I just found out my younger brother was gay."

The next day, he comes back and orders the same thing. The bartender asks, "What's wrong now?"

The man says, "I just found out that my older brother is gay."

The next day, he comes in again, and orders the same thing. The bartender asks, "Man, isn't there anyone in your family that likes women?"

He replies, "yeah, my wife."
 
Queer Quotes​

1. Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?" -- Jon Stewart

2. The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft we can all declare homosexuality instead of running off to Canada. --Lorne Bloch

3. The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. --Lynn Lavner

4. My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share. --Rita Mae Brown

5. Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons. --Letter to the Editor, The Advocate

6. You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight. --Barry Goldwater

7. If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer." --Robin Tyler

8. I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother. --Charles Pierce, 1980

9. That word "lesbian" sounds like a disease. And straight men know because they're sure that they're the cure. --Denise McCanles

10. The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. --Dennis Miller

11. Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an antigay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won't be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole. --Judy Carter

12. Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't. --Author Unknown

13. When it comes to exploring the sea of love, I prefer buoys. --Andrew G. Dehel

14. My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it. --Amanda Bearse

15. Some women can't say the word Lesbian...even when their mouth is full of one. --Kate Clinton

16. It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It's like disapproving of rain. --Francis Maude

17. 'You could move.' --Abigail Van Buren, "Dear Abby," in response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood.
 
ok here goes.................

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE AT A GAY PICNIC? ALL THE HOT DOGS TASTE LIKE SHIT!!!!
 
Kamekateka said:
Queer Quotes​

1. Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?" -- Jon Stewart


17. 'You could move.' --Abigail Van Buren, "Dear Abby," in response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood.
Click to expand...


:D Love those.
 
Kamekateka said:
Here goes!

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
Click to expand...

lols ... so funny ... ..| and so fast too ... hehehe
 
A car load of Lesbians, and a car load of Gays had a race to see who could get from L.A. to New York the fastest.

It turned out the the Lesbians got to New York lickety split, while the Gays were still back in L.A. packing their shit.

;)
 
texpatriot said:
A car load of Lesbians, and a car load of Gays had a race to see who could get from L.A. to New York the fastest.

It turned out the the Lesbians got to New York lickety split, while the Gays were still back in L.A. packing their shit.

;)
Click to expand...

LOL that reminds me of one...

Why are gays always the first to check out of the hotel in the morning?

Because they get their shit packed the night before.





So this little kid runs into the house from outdoors, to the kitchen where his mom is standing, doing the dishes. He tugs on her skirt and says, "Mommy! Mommy! How old am I?"
Mom replies, "Why Billy, you are FIVE years old!"
Billy gets excited and runs out to the living room where his grandmother is sitting on the couch. He taps her knee, "Grandma! Grandma! Guess how old I am!!!!"
Grandma leans over, unzips his fly, and reaches in. She concentrates very hard as she begins juggling his testicles.
juggling
juggling
"hmmmm"
juggling
Grandma zips his pants back up and says, "I'd say you're about five years old."
Billy's eyes light up and he asks, "Grandma, how'd you know that?"
She replies, "Oh I heard you mom tell you in the kitchen."
 
So this woman is cleaning up her young son's room. He's about 14. While she is vacuuming and dusting, she notices a magazine sticking out from under the mattress. She pulls it out and is quite horrified to see that it is, in fact, a hardcore porn magazine, complete with bondage and S&M of the most eye-opening kind.

Whips. Chains. Leather. Handcuffs. Candle wax. Nipple clamps. You name it, it's in there. Immediately she runs down to her husband and drops it in his lap.

"Look what I found in your son's room!" she fumes. He is quite taken aback by the contents as he looks at a few of the pictures. "Well don't just sit there!" she yells, "do something!"

"Well," he replies, "I don't think we should spank him..."

-d-
 
A gay couple were sharing a bottle of wine when the first guy said, “I bet you can’t tell me something that’ll make me both happy and sad at the same time”.

The second guy thought about if for a few moments, and then said,
“Your cock’s bigger than your brother’s .”
 
what women would do if they had a penis for a day

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......
 
Check your Dirty IQ!
Questions:
1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Answers:
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!

Now Really! Just what were you thinking?
 
More sick than dirty

a drunk goes in to the local bar and tries to get a free drink. After many attempts he starts to leave when a guy says . How bad do you want that drink. He says man, real bad. So the guy says I'll buy you a drink but first you have to take a swig out of the spittune. The drunk thinks about it and then picks it up and starts to drink some. After a period of time the other guy says , hey I sad just a small swig. the drunk says . I know but I couldn't stop as it was all one juicy strand.............
 
So this child molester is taking a kid out into the woods.
It's dark and scary, and the kid is frightened. He starts crying, "Mister, please let me go! I want to go home!"
The molester snaps back, "Shut up little twerp! Let's go!"
They go out deeper into the woods. It's getting darker and scarier.
The kid starts crying again, "Mister please please I'm scared!!!"
The molester, annoyed at this point shouts at him, "SHUT UP! Christ, what are YOU crying for??? I'M the one who has to walk back alone!!!"
 
Three vampires go into a bar. The first one walks up to the bartender and asks for a glass of blood. The bartender says to him:

"I'm sorry, we dont sell blood here."

The vampie returns to the table while the second vampire walks to the bar. He also asks for a glass of blood. The bartender, starting t look a little annoyed, says

"Look, mate, like I told your firend there, we don't serve blood here"

The vampire returns to the table. The third vampire walks to the bar. The bartender, now really annoyed, turns to the vampire and yells

"LOOK MATE, LIKE I TOLD YOUR FRIENDS THERE, WE DON'T SERVE BLOOD HERE!!!!"

THE vampire replies "that's ok. I was wondering if I could trouble you for some hot water."

The bartender, a little flustered, says "yeah, sure"

The vampire returns to the table and his friends look at him like he's nuts.

"Are you fucking stupid, we're vampires, we drink blood dumbass, not water"

The third vampire just smiles, pulls a used tampon out of his pocket, and says to the other two "Tea time!"
 
A young guy goes into a bar and sits on a stool. The bartender comes over and stands waiting for his order.
Finally the guy looks up at the bartender and says, "I just had my first blow job in the alley."
"No shit," responds the bartender. "That calls for a drink on the house."

After a moment's thought, the man says. . .







"Yeah. . . yeah, that might help get the taste out of my mouth."
 
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