Tell me your dirtiest jokes!

[lyconthrope]

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

 

[lyconthrope]

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"

 

[lyconthrope]

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold!?"

 

[Jeimuzu]

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"

Hahah fantastic!

 

[lyconthrope]

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."



(KEEP THEM COMING GUYS!)

 

[lyconthrope]

A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe."
She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank."
He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot."
She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it."
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.
He says, "Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?"

(LOL I shouldnt love that one but I do!)

 

[lyconthrope]

A four-year-old boy asked his friend what a penis was. His friend's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad.
That evening the second boy asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and with his penis in hand said, "Son this is a penis. In fact, if you take a good look you will see this is a perfect penis."
The next day the second four year old boy met the first four year old boy and called him behind a hedge.
The boy exposed himself and said, "This is a penis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!"

 

[lyconthrope]

Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash.
The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them"
The lawyer says "Fuck the Boy Scouts!"
The priest says, "Do we have time?"

 

[lyconthrope]

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?

A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

 

[lyconthrope]

A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom.
The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them.
He asks the first duck, "What's your name?"
"Huey," replies the duck.
"So, how's your day been?"
"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Huey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day."
The bartender asks the second duck, "What's your name?"
"Duey," replies the duck.
"So, how's your day been?"
"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Duey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day."
The witty bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess your name is Louie?"
The duck replies, "No, I'm Puddles."

 

[Claudio63]

Joe and Brian, two very straight guys had been stranded together on a deserted island for two years and admitted that they were going crazy from lack of sex. Being the macho men they were, they played rock-paper-scissors to decide who got fucked first. Joe lost and proved how tough he was by withholding a scream as Brian penetrated him. Soon Joe found that the pain had dissipated and that Brian's rough sodomizing wasn't that hard to take. But Brian was really getting into it and started stroking his partner's back and kissing his neck to which Joe angrily turned his head around yelling:

"Hey, man! None of that sissy stuff!"

 

[lyconthrope]

What's the difference between a penis and a prick?

A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying... A prick is the guy who owns it




Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

A: Both of them.

 

[lyconthrope]

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, and start again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN: Show up naked with food.

 

[texpatriot]

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder, and orders a drink.

The bartender asks, "What's up the monkey?"

The guy with Monkey replies, "He's a special monkey. Watch this!"

At that point the guy with the monkey slaps it in the head, the monkey drops down into the guys lap, unzips his fly, and starts giving him a blow job right there on the barstool.

The bartender looks in amazement and says, "Day-hem! That's impressive!"

The guy with the monkey replies, "Would you like to give it a try?"

The bartender says, "Sure! If you promise not to slap me in the head!"

 

[Jeimuzu]

10 Things You Should Never Say to a Naked Man

1 This explains your car.
2 I never saw one like that before.
3 But it still works, right?
4 Are you cold?
5 I guess this makes me the early bird.
6 Ahhhh, it's cute.
7 Can I be honest with you?
8 Maybe it looks better in natural light.
9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10 Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

6 made me laugh! I love that...

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, and start again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN: Show up naked with food.

Proof that it's handy being gay...

 

[lyconthrope]

^^^^ hehe as if it were ever doubted!

 

[mabby7]

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, and start again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN: Show up naked with food.

wahahhahahaahhahaa ... so funny ...

 

[Joe King Jay]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

^ Damn that's a good one!!!




Here goes!

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

 

[mabby7]

A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom.
The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them.
He asks the first duck, "What's your name?"
"Huey," replies the duck.
"So, how's your day been?"
"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Huey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day."
The bartender asks the second duck, "What's your name?"
"Duey," replies the duck.
"So, how's your day been?"
"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Duey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day."
The witty bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess your name is Louie?"
The duck replies, "No, I'm Puddles."

woohooo ... another funny joke ... lols ....

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young married couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

wahahahahahahahahaha .. so funny ... really poor guy ...

ok i've got one ... it's a bit dirty ... lols ... but anyways here it goes ...

one day a man decided to go for a jog along a river ... after a long time of running, he decided to take a leak behind some bushes ...

meanwhile, a nun was also walking along the river ... after a long time of walking, she noticed a bunch of mushrooms growing near some bushes .... so she decided to pick some ... she counted "one little mushroom, two little mushroom, three little mushroom, four, four, four, four, four ...."

lols ...

and another ... it's kinda bad ...

a drunk man shouts ... "crucify all gays!!!!"
a gay guy hears this and shouts to his friends ... "sisters run, run as fast as you can!!!"
the drunk man then says... "we'll nail them using our c*cks!!!"
the gay guy hears this and shouts ... "sisters come back, f*ck, come back!!!"

lols

 

[JASON0980]

6 made me laugh! I love that...

i thought 7 and 10 were pretty damned good.