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Trying so hard to get him

crubbed

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Okay, so... I subscribed to a dating site about 3 months ago but under a fake alias. Since I'm not out of the closet, I hate showing my face on that type of sites and stuff. As a matter of fact, I don't even think I'm that good-looking. So I put up the pictures of another (hot) guy and started surfing the site.

The next thing I know, a super-hot guy approached me. We started chatting. We've been chatting on and off for about three months now. He's not out. He kinda has some problems with accepting the gay community and his gay side. But he's so gentle. So funny. He's a dreamer. I kept inventing excuses because I couldn't meet him. He even gave me his cell number. He really likes my sunny self that comes off in our chat sessions.

Well, anyway, he told me where he works, and I promised I would come looking for him (discretely, since he's not out). He works at a bar. Needless to say, I've become their greatest customer: I go there every other day, I sit at the tables and a couple days ago I found the courage to approach him while he was re-arranging the tables. Remember: he doesn't know that I am the same guy he chatted with. We exchanged a few lines, he was very forthcoming. The next day he had the day off (damn!). And two days later he was the one who approached me: he asked 'How can you study while the music is so loud?!' (I read some text books while I'm there). We exchanged a few meaningless lines, and nothing more.

So, I'm basically spying on him. From what I've seen he's such a great guy. I love how he won't let women lift heavy weights. I love how he's the only waiter who checks the bins to see if they're full and need to be changed (the others don't care, and I was a waiter once... I know what it means! LOL). I even love how goofy he is when he tries to dance.

I'm definitely fantasizing about him. But I really believe that, given the chance, we could work as a couple. He would be my first boyfriend. The first time I have sex. But I hate the set-up.

Tomorrow I'll be visiting the bar again. This is my plan: I'll tell him I lost my wallet while I was there the other day. I'll give him my number and ask him to call me if he finds out anything. Conveniently, I will plant an old wallet of mine in the back of the bar (where they dump the trash). I will put something there to make it look like I actually used it. I'll even put a letter (written by myself) where a 'friend' will go on and on about how *special* I am. Hopefully, they'll find it and he'll call me.

Once he calls me, I'll invite him out. And God, do I wish he'll accept.
 
Or you could just ask him out.

It would appear he likes you. Not the hottie guy you listed on the ad (he apparently isn't aware that you're the "hottie" that was supposed to meet him in the bar), not the "really special guy" that some fake letter makes you out to be, but YOU. So why don't YOU ask him out? Because the hot guy who is really really special doesn't exist, and he's not going to be there to go out on a date with this guy.

So YOU ask him out. "This may seem a bit forward, but would you be interested in doing something some day when you're not working?"

Lex
 
I think you're making life way too complicated with all these games and tricks. What kind of a relationship starts with all these lies?

If you're seriously interested in him, just erase the past and start from scratch. Don't tell him you contacted him online. Certainly don't tell him you lost your wallet. Just ask him if he'd like to have a cup of coffee some time.

He's either interested in you (the real you) or he's not. But this way you'll find out quicker so you can figure out what to do next.
 
Oh.

My.

God.

When do the stupid little games end?

After he's called you?

After you've fucked?

After he doesn't call again soon enough?

When he says he has to work late but you think he's lying so you 'spy' on him some more?

Please. For the sake of your mental health and your immortal soul. Just stop it now. Ask him out.
 
Well you probably just realized why the whole faking thing just sucks.

a) As already mentioned - ask him out. Either it works .. or it doesn't

b) come clean. tell him you were there, and who you are. give him your reasons, apologize. wait how he reacts. if he "dumps" you .. you deserve it for playing games. but if you do some deep thinking, it's probably better than the slim chance that you might get together through option a) and he finds out years later .. and if he understands your reason (as you said he is not out either) maybe you guys can work it.
don't do the letter/purse set up .. please. you are grown-up now .. i hope :)
 
If i were him.. and then find out all your game.. i'll tell you to stay away from me minimus 5 km.... really i HATE these lies and people who put photos online of others. better no photo than a fake photo.
 
This is my plan: I'll tell him I lost my wallet while I was there the other day. I'll give him my number and ask him to call me if he finds out anything. Conveniently, I will plant an old wallet of mine in the back of the bar (where they dump the trash). I will put something there to make it look like I actually used it. I'll even put a letter (written by myself) where a 'friend' will go on and on about how *special* I am. Hopefully, they'll find it and he'll call me.

Once he calls me, I'll invite him out. And God, do I wish he'll accept.

You've already started this whole thing out on a deception. And you want to add more deception?

As the others have told you, it's a bad idea.

Just ask him out.

However, a bit of caution. There's something a bit unhealthy about all of this. A touch of obsession or stalker-like, maybe?

Whether he says "yes" or he says "no", perhaps it would be better if you didn't hang out where he works and watch him anymore.
 
Okay, so... I subscribed to a dating site about 3 months ago but under a fake alias. Since I'm not out of the closet, I hate showing my face on that type of sites and stuff. As a matter of fact, I don't even think I'm that good-looking. So I put up the pictures of another (hot) guy and started surfing the site.

The next thing I know, a super-hot guy approached me. We started chatting. We've been chatting on and off for about three months now. He's not out. He kinda has some problems with accepting the gay community and his gay side. But he's so gentle. So funny. He's a dreamer. I kept inventing excuses because I couldn't meet him. He even gave me his cell number. He really likes my sunny self that comes off in our chat sessions.

Well, anyway, he told me where he works, and I promised I would come looking for him (discretely, since he's not out). He works at a bar. Needless to say, I've become their greatest customer: I go there every other day, I sit at the tables and a couple days ago I found the courage to approach him while he was re-arranging the tables. Remember: he doesn't know that I am the same guy he chatted with. We exchanged a few lines, he was very forthcoming. The next day he had the day off (damn!). And two days later he was the one who approached me: he asked 'How can you study while the music is so loud?!' (I read some text books while I'm there). We exchanged a few meaningless lines, and nothing more.

So, I'm basically spying on him. From what I've seen he's such a great guy. I love how he won't let women lift heavy weights. I love how he's the only waiter who checks the bins to see if they're full and need to be changed (the others don't care, and I was a waiter once... I know what it means! LOL). I even love how goofy he is when he tries to dance.

I'm definitely fantasizing about him. But I really believe that, given the chance, we could work as a couple. He would be my first boyfriend. The first time I have sex. But I hate the set-up.

Tomorrow I'll be visiting the bar again. This is my plan: I'll tell him I lost my wallet while I was there the other day. I'll give him my number and ask him to call me if he finds out anything. Conveniently, I will plant an old wallet of mine in the back of the bar (where they dump the trash). I will put something there to make it look like I actually used it. I'll even put a letter (written by myself) where a 'friend' will go on and on about how *special* I am. Hopefully, they'll find it and he'll call me.

Once he calls me, I'll invite him out. And God, do I wish he'll accept.


No offense, but I absolutely hate the part of you putting pics of a different person on that dating site. I am so sick of bullshit like that with people pretending to be someone else. Now one lie leads to another lie. Big surprise. Where does it end?
 
If i were him.. and then find out all your game.. i'll tell you to stay away from me minimus 5 km.... really i HATE these lies and people who put photos online of others. better no photo than a fake photo.

I have to agree here. I would want nothing to do with you if you were playing that game.
 
uh...I don't know how to say this but we are two of the same kind lol. I'm having similar story except mine has been going on for 8 months now. To be honest, this guy and I, we just really click. However, I, like you, was under an alias of someone else. Over the past 8 months, I have came to realized that I can't live a day without thinking about this guy. I dare to use the word, love, to describe my feelings for him. The bad part, he doesn't know who I truly am, I was still under a different alias when I talk to him. Long story short, I told him who I really am last Monday and well.....I really want to talk to him in person and to tell how sorry I am but I think he wants his space to collect his thoughts. I'm leaving him alone for the moment. Hopefully he will forgive me and maybe, just maybe I'll have a chance with him.

anyways, back to your story lol. I think you should tell him who you are before you do anything further. You're only 3 months into this, still early enough to fix your mistakes. If he's a nice person he will forgive you and may God be with us, these hot guys of ours will come around and sweep us off our feet and forgive our wrongdoings. Best of luck.
 
Wow, I always wondered what the people who did this kind of "pretend to be someone else" crap were actually like. How did you think it would turn out? At the very least, he'll feel betrayed if you tell him that you were the same guy he talked to online. At the very most, he'll be furious.

Your only option is to start over and work as though you never knew him before. However, even that is a "reality" built on lies and, if all goes well and y'all date, someday you would have to tell him about meeting him online and then he would feel betrayed then too.

Pretty much a lose lose situation unless he is just a realllllllly understanding and realllllllllly forgiving guy.

Why do people put themselves in these situations?
 
^ Well in order to have low self esteem, it follows that they need to be self conscious, right? To be self conscious, people must have at least a basic level of intelligence. If they are smart enough to be able to evaluate themselves in relation to others and decide that they are somehow lacking, then they should be smart enough to see that using a fake personality while trying to meet someone for a relationship will only end in confusion and a complex network of lies and half-truths.

tl;dr DON'T USE FAKE PROFILES, PEOPLE.
 
The thing with the fake alias is -- I did not create it to seduce *him*. It was created to ... spy on another guy LOL He contacted me. And then things unfolded. As a closeted guy, I'm very paranoid, so that's it. Fake aliases are a realiy and they are related to the taboo of being gay. But I'm on a path where I am getting rid of these tendencies, sorta kinda.

RE: on my stalkative, obsessive tendencies. Yeah, I have a problem with that. I love to know more about people than what they tell me. I'm also good at observing, studying people's habits and movements. I've been doing that since I was a kid and I knew every move my father would make in order to avoid him.

I will follow your advice. I love this board, and the intelligent people who post here. On Saturday I'll give him my number and ask him out. But isn't it too soon? I mean, we've been exchanging a few words here and there IRL only for about one week. Then suddenly I decide I like him and ask him out? Hm. But I have to. I like him, and really all those problems are only in my mind.

PS. before I read your posts, I did the fake wallet thing. It didn't work! The people at the bar found it, but noone has called me. I guess they're a bunch of thieves LOL
 
No, I don't think it's too soon. Just ask him if he'd like to do something outside of work sometime.

Lex
 
The thing with the fake alias is -- I did not create it to seduce *him*. It was created to ... spy on another guy LOL He contacted me. And then things unfolded. As a closeted guy, I'm very paranoid, so that's it. Fake aliases are a realiy and they are related to the taboo of being gay. But I'm on a path where I am getting rid of these tendencies, sorta kinda.

RE: on my stalkative, obsessive tendencies. Yeah, I have a problem with that. I love to know more about people than what they tell me. I'm also good at observing, studying people's habits and movements. I've been doing that since I was a kid and I knew every move my father would make in order to avoid him.

I will follow your advice. I love this board, and the intelligent people who post here. On Saturday I'll give him my number and ask him out. But isn't it too soon? I mean, we've been exchanging a few words here and there IRL only for about one week. Then suddenly I decide I like him and ask him out? Hm. But I have to. I like him, and really all those problems are only in my mind.

PS. before I read your posts, I did the fake wallet thing. It didn't work! The people at the bar found it, but noone has called me. I guess they're a bunch of thieves LOL

There is a difference between using an alias and (aka a different name) and creating an entire "person" through whom you communicate with the world. The latter is crazy, the former is just CYA. You can use a fake name and just leave a picture off altogether.

Personally, I would wait to ask him out, but I may just not be as upfront as others. If he liked you online, then I'd move there first. But not as your fake personality, but as the real you. Just give him a screenname or something when you see him and never touch the fake screenname again - NEVER. That way, he has a chance to get to know you and things can hopefully progress naturally from there.

Also, the wallet thing is just as much a mindgame as the fake personality thing. You are attempting to create a non-real reality for someone else in the hopes that you can puppeteer the situation. This is both weird and, to the guy, would probably be offensive.

So knock it off and just be a normal person, dammit. lol
 
I really think you should start from scratch as mentioned, and never mention the fake profile to him. I've had people using my picture on a gay website, and I got furious, so delete the profile as well in my opinion.

Ask him out for a cup of coffee and see how it goes from there ;)
 
so you're not gonna tell him the truth?

definately don't tell him the truth about anything you've done, just start fresh and be honest with him. turn over a new leaf.

Even if you left your wallet and he didn't call, go back and ask him for it.

Strike up conversations with him in person. Become a "regular" and ask him if he'd like to hang out on his day off.

Oh and I think it's time you end your fake internet correspondences with him.
 
^^^^How exactly are you going to turn over a new leaf if you're still hiding something from him?
 
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